Lets talk about feelings

Ok.. I am going to be honest in this thread, I hope I don't come off as a terrible person.

About 6 years ago I had an "emotional affair" with another person ( a woman, actually) The most we did physically was make out.. Phew.. that is hard to admit. H knew that this woman had feeling sfor me and that we spend a lot of time talking to each other, but he does not know that we ever kissed or that I reciprocated those feelings back for her. We were talking about feelings in T session today. He said, I shouldn't feel bad about having those feelings, we can't control those.. What we can control is what we do with those feelings i.e. the kissing part..

Do you agree with this? I would think as a married woman I should have been more careful not to let those feelings ever happen. Like, once I learned she had feelings for me I should have distanced myself from her, in order to protect my marriage. T seems to think, feelings happen and not to feel bad about those.

What say ye? Are feeling something we control?? Or do they just happen.

healed, I have, up to this point, handled those kinds of feelings by avoiding the guy as soon as I could tell I was starting to have any feeling for him. I just avoided the whole situation.

I feel for you. You can be proud of the fact that you stopped and didn't let it go further.

I agree with your t on this one. Feelings are like thoughts or dreams, they come from a primal part of us that we have no control over....it is our actions we are responsible for ( not passing any judgment on your situation, just speaking in general terms).

I used to think I could control feelings, but what I was actually doing was just pushing them away and not acknowledging them. They never really went away, I just pretended they did.

NOW, I do think that you can't control feelings, you can only control how you react to them. And, I think that not acknowledging feelings only twists them, and makes them either more pronounced or feeds other feelings.

I half agree with you and half maybe wtih your T. I don't think we can control feelings. And we can control our behavior to a large extent (except that hormones can be awfully powerful!!) And people generally are very reactive. If we were really able to control our behavior a whole lot more people wouldn't find themselves doing things they don't want to do.

I can avoid situations in which my feelings may be too strong for me. Whether it's feelings of affection, or anger, or fear.

I hate to say this, as agreeing with therapists is never on my top ten list, but I do think all you can do is control behavior not feelings in this sort of instance.

Feelings are feelings. I agree that there is nothing wrong with them. It's behaviours that cause problems.

I allow myself to notice those sorts of feelings. Crushing on people even when married is normal. We are living breathing sexual beings.

The more one tries to push away feelings instead of accept them for what they are (normal), the more chance we have of acting... I believe.

First, I find it very brave of you to post this as it's a very vulnerable thing to do. I feel honored that you would be willing to share this with us.

I certainly understand the idea of "feelings just ARE"...but I also find it important to explore where those feelings stem from - to get a better understanding of what needs may be unmet in your life, what you can do differently in order to meet those needs, etc. The feelings may be telling you something.

Thanks all for sharing and not judging. I appreciate it.

I think that feelings are something that we cannot control. I give you credit for telling us about your experience. I want you to not feel guilt about the kissing part. This is about you and your needs or needs that you had. Your H is unable to kiss you like a woman does. Its just not the same. I too have done the same thing as you. But I dont feel guilty about it. I just needed to experience that and I know that I needed it. My H could not fulfill that need. I too did not tell him as this would only hurt him. but I dont feel guilty. I needed to experience that. I hope this helps.

I will start by saying that I have had relationships with women, and I consider myself about as bi as one could be, if we're talking Kinsey scale concepts. I have had feelings for at least one woman during the long time I've been married, although I haven't acted on them-- but I suspect, as a lack of defense in myself-- that it was because of the other person's unwillingness, not mine.

I think that feelings are often information that tell us something important. And I think that information gives us power in our lives to make changes that are good for us, or at least to mindfully consider our options, and that is also a good thing.

Thanks for raising the issue.

Very interesting everybody.. I have never thought about my feelings as something that could give me information. Like, I should actually pay attention to them.

Information can of course vary in its quality and its accuracy. Some feelings may be akin to urban legends posted on the internet or chain letters circulated through email. Others may be the stuff of long published encyclopedias or carry the kind of insight that you know is right on.

You're doing great, you know, in raising this stuff and confronting it.

My feelings are of despair and frustration. My husband is mentally abusive since he started seeing someone. He doesn't hide his feelings for her as he always leaves for work an hour earlier than normal and has an excuse about why he will be late from work, he has to go by the store and pick up something etc. He comes home red faced and run's around the house for about an hour or so avoiding me before he settles down.We have been together almost eleven years so I know him well. He no longer is affectionate towards me as before he was. In his address book he has her name and address listed and she only lives 3 miles from where we live. morals and integrity no longer play a part.

Im sorry that your husband is seeing someone else. Yes I kissed Julie and my H doesnt know and I dont feel guilty. No Im not seeing her and planning on having a long affair or leaving my H. Your situation sounds like H has found someone else. This is a tough one. Only you know what you should do in this event.

You should definitely feel good about yourself for admitting this. As others have said, feelings are so important to look at and think about, and what happened already happened and you're not defending it or something like that, so I see no need to think you a horrible person.

Emotional affairs are real and are really hard to deal with. Being married doesn't mean you shut off your sexual impulses. Actually I read somewhere that couples that acknowledge that they are both human and both vulnerable to infidelity and take measures to prevent it, do better than those that believe they'll never cheat because they love the other person. The thing is, loving another person doesn't clean up all the messiness of our own personal emotional life. Which is pretty much exactly what your T said -- be prepared for the emotions by planning on a productive behavior should they emerge.

You probably remember I've been there and done that. Didn't feel good about it, still don't, but that I did it said a lot of things about me that I really needed to deal with and not hide from. And even after that, I am still sometimes attracted to other people. It doesn't end, despite the fact that I love my H more than I can think about sometimes.

So I do what MKAC does. I limit my contact with guys I find I have some chemistry with. If it's someone I work with, I don't become friends with them, just stay friendly and professional. I have zero intention of cheating, but I had zero intention of cheating before, too. Now I just accept that I can be vulnerable and that I have these feelings sometimes, and what matters is what I do with those feelings and how I safeguard against that vulnerability.

Well that explains a lot. I still think your h has secrets of his own. Maybe he has shared them with the church and that is why they have joined with him kind of against you. I am really anti-secret of this kind. You can't pretend nothing happened to any of you. The kids pick up on it and end up paying for it. Speaking from my own experience and my friends. My advice would be to stop hiding, start talking, get h talking. Why has he chosen this path?? Then when things are more out in the open, more calm, then take action. If he refuses to talk, though, then yes, save yourself. Again my mantra is, you don't have to live down to his self-imposed limitations.

(((Healed))),
I agree with others, that avoiding contact is the best.

As far as your feelings go, is there something in your marriage that is missing? You don't have to answer that, its just that sometimes if you aren't getting what you need in your marriage, you try to find it outside of the marriage. Or you could just be attracted to her. Just a few thoughts.
Keep us posted. I think it was brave to post, I am glad you did. Take care!

healed I also think this was very brave and especially to bring it up. Most of us in fact all of us have these thoughts and then we hide them away and pretend they don't exist, Feelings scream at us to be heard and once we acknowledge them they sometimes quiet down. I agree we are not in control of our feelings but we can control our actions. I have had soooo many emotional affairs but have never acted on them but thats just me everyone is different

I think your t is right. It isn't your fault that you feel the way you do. I think that you should be honest with your H about it though, he deserves to know before you act on them.

I don't think recognizing or acknowledging to yourself that you have feelings is the same as then having an emotional affair. Those are two separate concepts to me.

If I recognize I have romantic feelings for someone , I try not to let it get to that level. I may be able to be friends with them but it is a friendship with boundaries that prevent me from pursuing that route. I have had emotional affairs as well as physical affairs in the past ( not proud but it happened) and they can be just as devastating as a physical one...most times in my opinion even worse. Both types point to a lack of something in your current relationship and should serve as a red flag.

I agree... And I know the difference. What I did was an emotional affair. I shared/had feelings for her in the way I should have/shared with my h.

I am not so sure about the should have part of this. In an ideal world perhaps that is what marriage would mean (I don't believe this but I see it as the construct that is set up in western civilization). It is not always possible to do with a spouse. I just intended to separate the two ideas. I was not trying to indicate a should one way or the other.

Interesting... I guess I feel the feeling for her should be reserved (if I am going to have them at all) should be for the person I am committed to. However, I am really learning as I go.. LOL.