[Solepa]

Hi to everyone! I'm new here and also new to anything to do with therapy. I'm 27 and I live in Europe I decided to write here because it may help me to understand what is going on with me. I decide to do something when I had a really bad panic attacks for some time and just was not myself at all. I didn't really know why this is happening to me because my life is good now. I study university, I work, I'm in long term relationship, I have rich social life and all is just good and then this happens. So I entered private therapy months ago and I had 3 sessions already .... well we got to my childhood... which sucks.
I don't really do well with this "How are you feeling?" stuff I just fanction ... I do not trust and I do not have much emotions. This all seems a bit tricky when you are in therapy. So I have a lot of going on right now and maybe somebody here is in similar situation??
I mean it is much harder then I thought it would be. I wanted to just give her analysis of my behavior, expected her to give me some kind of tools to fix myself and all will be good. BUT she wants me to actualy change the way I live and I'm scared as s.....

(excuse my english please it is not my first language)

[Victoria'smom]

First part of therapy seems to be learning to trust. Second part seems to be connecting with your feelings and expressing them. I think a lot of us are in the same boat... sucky childhood and all. I think most of us expected our therapist to help us learn skills and then we're done but it turns out they need to know why we don't have the skills to help. Hang in there you'll learn the skills it just takes some crapiness to get there.

By the way your English is better than mine and English is my first language

[Solepa]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

First part of therapy seems to be learning to trust. Second part seems to be connecting with your feelings and expressing them. I think a lot of us are in the same boat... sucky childhood and all. I think most of us expected our therapist to help us learn skills and then we're done but it turns out they need to know why we don't have the skills to help. Hang in there you'll learn the skills it just takes some crapiness to get there.

By the way your English is better than mine and English is my first language

Thank you very much for your reply. First step is the trust ...hm that is the tricky one. My therapist said something about the importance of trust. The question is how do you do that? I mean if you already have a trust issues it is difficult for you to trust people in general. I don´t even trust my best friends and I know some of them for 10 years. So how could I possibly trust somebody who I know nothing about? I don´t know if she cares about me at all....it seems so impossible.
I do trust her as professional I trust that she will be able to help me because of her profesional training and I also trust that she will keep my stuff to herself but is that enought trust for me to get better?

[Sannah]

Trust needs to develop. I think that it would be important for you to explore with your T why you don't trust (how you developed that way).

[Solepa]

I do know how this happened and I also already told her. I don´t have problem with my story telling. The problem is I don´t feel anything while doing it. I may as well just read somebody´s journal. But back to the trust. Therapy is expensive for me it is private and I pay as I go (insurance works different in Europe). It is the same price for one session as my 5days food allowance. So I try hard to do things quick I can´t spend years in therapy. So I told her a lot already and now comes the trust building ...and that I can´t seem to figure out how to do.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Solepa

The problem is I don´t feel anything while doing it.

This is an important part. IMO, getting the feelings out in therapy is the most important component. And I think that it will help with building trust.

[tinyrabbit]

I think there aren't any easy quick ways to do this. It takes time to create a trusting relationship.

[Sannah]

Exactly, it takes time and it is hard work.

[Solepa]

Originally Posted by Sannah

This is an important part. IMO, getting the feelings out in therapy is the most important component. And I think that it will help with building trust.

Yeah I guess that is my main problem I do not have much emotions going on in me. I switched them off completely in one point and I function without them for more then 10 years now. So I do use my brain mainly to guide me and I do think a lot but I do not feel a lot.
I have a good life now and then one day my body just rebels and my mind as well. So I had to do something about that I don´t like loosing control like that. Well don´t like is not the right term I ABSOLUTELY HATE it.
So I come to therapy for a quick fix. I wanted an analysis from T and solution. Hm she didn´t give me that... quite the opposite she said to be helped I have to get to some "deep myself" and it will take time.
So now I have a BIG PROBLEM: Do I want to go there? Do I have money to pay for it? How long does it take? Is it possible?? What happens where we go to this shut black box?.....and quite frankly I´m scared.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Solepa

So now I have a BIG PROBLEM: Do I want to go there? Do I have money to pay for it? How long does it take? Is it possible?? What happens where we go to this shut black box?.....and quite frankly I´m scared.

I see where you are at now. All I can say is that I really enjoy being in touch with my emotions. I had to work to get here.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Solepa

Yeah I guess that is my main problem I do not have much emotions going on in me. I switched them off completely in one point and I function without them for more then 10 years now. So I do use my brain mainly to guide me and I do think a lot but I do not feel a lot.
I have a good life now I study university, I work, I have long term serious relationship and then one day my body just rebels and my mind as well. So I had to do something about that I don´t like loosing control like that. Well don´t like is not the right term I ABSOLUTELY HATE it.
So I come to therapy for a quick fix. I wanted an analysis from T and solution. Hm she didn´t give me that... quite the opposite she said to be helped I have to get to some "deep myself" and it will take time.
So now I have a BIG PROBLEM: Do I want to go there? Do I have money to pay for it? How long does it take? Is it possible?? What happens where we go to this shut black box?.....and quite frankly I´m scared.

I can relate to the whole experience of emotions being shut down. When I began therapy I asked my T more than once, "Tell me again why we have to address emotions?" It just seemed so impractical - I can analyze and I can think pretty clearly so obviously, I thought, just apply some precision thinking to my situation and I'd be in good shape.

NOT!!!!!

Unfortunately (because we're impatient and it's expensive) it takes time. How long? Who knows? I have read a ton of books to help fast-forward my journey. Did the reading help? I have no idea.

But I did learn a lot about the brain, the mind and the mysterious 'process'.

Can you see the therapist less often - maybe once a month or twice a month? Would that be affordable? And can you supplement the T's help with reading?

Anyways, good luck.

[Solepa]

I just wrote a VERY long post on one of my problems......and I don´t know if to post it here. It is about my intimacy issues so it is quite personal. But I don´t ever meet anybody from her so what. And I really need help with that I guess. But it is long maybe too long to be read by anyone anyway.

Well I´m going to send it...why not. In the worst case nobody will read it and then I can always delete it.

[EllieBear]

I don't think the stories you shared are just childs play or nothing and I don't think you are being too sensitive. I would definitely share them with your therapist. I think they would be very traumatic. It could explain your fears of intimacy and dreams and such for sure. It sounds like there was force involved, and your family member and Instructor were both significantly older than you. I think attempted rape is traumatic indeed whether they were able to complete the act or not. And at 6, you were a young child. That shouldn't happen to any 6 year old.

[Solepa]

Originally Posted by EllieBear

I don't think the stories you shared are just childs play or nothing and I don't think you are being too sensitive. I would definitely share them with your therapist. I think they would be very traumatic. It could explain your fears of intimacy and dreams and such for sure. It sounds like there was force involved, and your family member and Instructor were both significantly older than you. I think attempted rape is traumatic indeed whether they were able to complete the act or not. And at 6, you were a young child. That shouldn't happen to any 6 year old.

Thank you EllieBear I really appreciate your time you gave me and your thoughts. I´m very pleased somebody actually read it. One day I will tell my therapist but not right now. It is easier to write it down then to talk about it personaly. I was really cross with myself to have issues from such minor stuff you know when people go through much worst. So thank you for helping me not to be so angry with me and that it is ok to have problems from this.

[southpole]

Hi Solepa, I agree with the comments above - these are things you should work toward discussing with your therapist. They sound very traumatic and would certainly affect the ways you relate to others (sexually or otherwise) as an adult.

I think the others have expressed well what I would say re the therapy process - trust is the first step, then comes the sharing and experiencing of emotions. It's very powerful.

I also struggle with the cost but I figure I can't put a price on my happiness Journalling and writing about your experiences will definitely hep. And keep posting here, I think PC is great therapy for a lot of us!

[Solepa]

Hi Southpole thank you also very much for taking the time to read and send me your ancouragement. I will keep posting here because it already helps me a lot. I mean you people help me. Have a great day.
I have less then 2 hours to my next session and I´m getting really nervous .
She will tell me off for sending her unnecessary mail. So it is going to be humiliating .... why I do make my life harder I really don´t know. Self DISCIPLINE I´m in big need of it. One would think I had enought of that before but no ... obviously not.
Also I had a vivid nightmare that I was raped on her couch so I would like to choose different sitting spot (there are chairs also) and she will want to know why (I always sit on couch). She analyzes everything SO MUCH. Well Well it will be interesting.

[Solepa]

Hello everyone! So I just got beck home after T and some socialisation in pub. I actually didn´t get told off for sending the mail!!! Wow she even told me I can write her between sessions if I feel like to. WOW and I felt so bad!
But I found out she is pregnant so she is going for maternal leave in september and I´m scared I will still need her then.
She asked me what she can do to help me to trust her and the thing is I have no idea. I have to think about that untill next week. If any of you have any idea it will be greatly appreciated.

[EllieBear]

I was hoping you'd come back and post about your session. I'm glad it went well. That's great she'll let you write to her when you want to between sessions. That's actually been something that's really helpful for me. I think trust is built by sharing a little bit and seeing that she reacts well, and then sharing a little bit more. There are lots of threads on here right now about things that help people feel safe in therapy. Maybe something there will be helpful for you. I do understand the fear that comes up even when T does something good, like not getting upset at you for writing to her. She acted differently than you expected and she accepted you. So even though its scary, things like that do build trust. You reached out, and she was there for you. Keep up the good work!

[Solepa]

I think I realized what is the most scary thing for me in therapy, why I can´t trust my T. DEPENDENCY the most horrible thought of all! What if there will be time in therapy when I can´t deal with things and I will NEED her help to keep it together? I would be completely dependent on her help and her will. Brrrrrr My biggest nightmare of all.

Like you depend on people when you are child and you don´t have a choice in that but when you gow up you can choose not to let people use your needs any more because you don´t need to depend. Since I grow up I didn´t depend on anyone for anything even small stuff like opening jar. I´m crazy like that. I keep myself save this way. If I can do anything myself I don´t necessarily need anyone. So if you don´t have anyone it doesn´t matter.

It is easy to get used to people help you with stuff and be there for you but it is not easy to get use to not having anyone once you need them.

[Solepa]

Hello hope you are having good day. I was wondering anybody ever heard about somebody who got insane from therapy?? I mean like in situation when things happen when you are a child and your body and mind lock them deep inside with a lot of other stuff like memories, emotions, needs etc. and you don´t have access to it. And then when you are grown up you need some of it to be able to live your life fully and also to understand some things that are happening to you. So you say ok lets go to therapy. And you open this black box of yours and you just can´t deal with it and it breaks you? Does this ever happen? ..... yeah I´m right before the decision if to even go there and I´m scared as hell.

[Solepa]

I don´t seem to be connecting with people here very well. Maybe because of the language I became across as rude or something?? I don´t know......Or maybe people just have other things on mind then I do.
I know nobody is obligated here to react or anything, just it makes one feel good when somebody does. I´m probably just having a bad evening ... I´m sorry

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Solepa

Hello hope you are having good day. I was wondering anybody ever heard about somebody who got insane from therapy?? I mean like in situation when things happen when you are a child and your body and mind lock them deep inside with a lot of other stuff like memories, emotions, needs etc. and you don´t have access to it. And then when you are grown up you need some of it to be able to live your life fully and also to understand some things that are happening to you. So you say ok lets go to therapy. And you open this black box of yours and you just can´t deal with it and it breaks you? Does this ever happen? ..... yeah I´m right before the decision if to even go there and I´m scared as hell.

I have not heard of it. It can be awful, but I have not heard of anyone being made insane by therapy itself without other factors.

[Solepa]

Thank you stopdog you were a little under pressure for this huh? But thank you anyway.

[Freewilled]

Solepa -
I am afraid of that too, in a way. I told T several times at our first appointment that I CANNOT stop functioning. I was like, "Im still functioning now, T, and I just cannot stop doing so for my family's sake!"

So yeah - I still am holding back so much because I have to make it. I told him its the only way I know how to survive. Still maybe I have to be willing to deal with whatever the outcome is and quit controlling it? I dunno....so yeah, I wonder the same as you. It is scary...

[Solepa]

I had a session today....I´m quite disappointed. I wanted to make some things clear to my T so I wrote a story about myself I wanted to share with her. It was kind of important to me there were also things I wanted her to know but was not able to share in person. And she would not read it. She expressed that she doesn´t want to read it but hear it from me. She thinks I feel more in control like that and I´m trying to make things perfect bla bla bla .... I was cross. But I don´t know how to tell her the things I write about I can´t express myself well enought. I do it much better on paper.......grrrr what an evening. Now I´m siting home alone with a glass of Porto and cheese feeling sad. This session was dumb.... I was dumb didn´t have answers to many of her questions.

I went to bed last night at 3.30 AM!!! Finishing this fu....ing story she didn´t read ANYWAY!!! I even didn´t study properly for my today exam because of it!!!