Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

penguinh · Mar 02, 2014, 12:51 AM

Dear T,

There's still much I need to work on but I don't know what to say anymore... And I don't want to bother you or bother with this anymore...

tametc · Mar 02, 2014, 01:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leah123

I am better than this. I'm better than bad communication and feeling like a petulant child and being afraid of a breakdown. I am better than this. But it helps to be reminded... and there's no one to remind me.

I need to remember: this feeling did not occur in isolation. This isn't me just randomly acting crazy.

Here's February:

Coworker & I have to decide which 6 of our 12 person team to lay off.
Lay them off.
Deal with three of them staying around two weeks, making for a sad, awkward work environment.
Take on the work of two of the six, in addition to my normal 60 hour per week job workload.
Attend a demanding full-time college course.
Have my husband home ill with the flu for two days.
Deal with the reality of living with him while not sure if our marriage will last.
Have my daughter home five days with the flu and on holiday.
Have a death in the family.
Cut back on therapy.
Deal with debt straightforward... no more money shuffling.
Deal with my husband telling kiddo we were going to get divorced if she didn't behave better.
Deal with their fighting.
Deal with her Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
Deal with her anxiety.
Find out it seemed he's been paying for online sex shows, which turned out to probably be credit card theft, also stressful.
Miss my therapist as she changed two appointments and isn't available.
Get sick.
Triggering dental procedure.
Triggering encounter w/homeless man.
Deal with serious topics in therapy, exposing and uncomfortable.

It wasn't all bad, but.... is it any wonder I'm completely overwhelmed right now. It shouldn't be. And if we add the PTSD to the mix, sigh.

Oh, Leah, my heart hurts for you. Any one of these things could overwhelm a person. Please keep posting and reaching out to us. You can PM me any time.

Willowleaf · Mar 02, 2014, 04:04 AM

Aargh! I really hate you right now despite the fact you haven't done anything wrong. You encouraged me to reach out on the weekend and you answered my email encouraging me to ring you. I did but it didn't help. What did I expect. I still have the massive list of stuff to do today. You couldn't do it. You were irritated that my family kept interrupting and wanted me to put myself first but it was hard, though I get your point. You said that when I am feeling like this work is not a great idea as I need to really look after myself but I have some deadlines that can't be missed. Some things can be shelved but I already knew that. I just want more. More than you can give.i feel like a bottomless pit that the more you put in the bigger it grows. I am considerering trying to stop. I know the advice I would give others is hang on in there these states are not forever, but when you are in one it is difficult to imagine climbing out. Oh why am I me. Please stop being kind as I can't take it

Mar 02, 2014, 04:33 AM

Dear T,

I'm having trouble sleeping. How about you?

HealingTimes · Mar 03, 2014, 09:38 AM

Dear T
what a waste of a session.

Leah123 · 10:05 AM

Today is Monday. I survived the weekend. Only two hours until my family clears out and I can cry, take a nap, hear my music in peace. It's been an ugly three days, no doubt about that. I fell short of my standards, but... I'm going to forgive myself for that. You didn't want to hurt me. You want to help me, and have proven it over and over for a year. But your idea of help isn't what I needed. That's happened several times before. I don't know what to say about this. Perhaps I don't need to say anything further- my weekend emails will clearly express what we must do. Can I forgive you too...

That's a good question. It's hard to see you as good-enough-mother and not feel despair at being left to my own devices, knowing I just wasn't ready, not this time.

Maybe it's a conversation for another time. I'm too pained and tired and aggravated perhaps, for this.

nottrustin · Mar 03, 2014, 10:25 AM

Dear T,

I have so much that I need to work with you on if only I could bring up the subjects. I don't know why I am scared as you have helped me with so much and I trust you completely

The first thing we need to talk about is why I can't ask for help when things are bad? even when I was at my lowest and made some stupid choices I gave you well thought out but not 100% truthful responses... It would have been so much better then if I had been truthful as I know you would help me get the help I needed,

HealingTimes · Mar 03, 2014, 01:17 PM

Dear T
you hurt me today. Not physically, but emotionally. I know you didn't mean to and I know it wasn't intentional. But it hurt all the same.
After our session today I am not going to contact you via text, I want to make us both wait until next Thursday. I am not sure if I am trying to punish YOU or ME, probably both. But this is important to me, to honour these feelings I am having.

I don't know how I am going to refrain from texting you...but I will.

HT.

someone321 · Mar 03, 2014, 02:38 PM

Dear T,
I feel like I need to tell you something but I have no idea what

There is just nothing which I have to share... I would tell you tomorrow that i have to work on my laziness but I guess you cannot help me with it - yeah, I know that at the end of the therapy it should be better but I need a faster solution...
You were curious about the mechanisms behind getting triggered, so after the session I triggered myself and wrote down step by step what caused what - I've already sent you that but I don't want to discuss it... I did it only because you were curious but I don't have the need to talk about it....
Maybe we could discuss if and then maybe how I should tell my husband about my diagnosis - wait! You still didn't give me the official diagnosis so this topic also has to wait... So what will we talk about tomorrow?!

Freewilled · Mar 03, 2014, 04:10 PM

Dear T,

I'm starting to see some positive things happening in my recovery...well at least right now

I'm not feeling too badly about not seeing you till next week. I'm working on mindfulness and feel a little empowered. My interpersonal stuff is coming along. It's slow, but coming along all the same.

I'm having flashbacks or whatever they are - pretty intensely. But I've been managing. I'm thankful I can tell you about them if I want when you get back and you will probably not think I'm out of my mind.

doyoutrustme · Mar 03, 2014, 07:21 PM

T,

You pushed some buttons last sesh that are still stinging, even though you were delicate about it. Of course, the intense feelings surfaced after I left and are worstening from all the rumination. I'm gonna be effed up by the time we meet again.

tapatalk post.

Mar 03, 2014, 11:53 PM

Dear T,

Today you asked me about something which I had already told you about and which we had discussed at length. Your memory is normally excellent, which is why it's so strange that all this information completely fell out of your head.

blackrat1081 · Mar 04, 2014, 05:01 AM

1. I'm pretty sure someone is pretending to be me online. They wrote lyrics and signed my first and last name, it's just creepy. I don't know how they found out about my crush on you but I am horrified you'll receive messages claiming to be from me, and believe I'm txting/emailing you. But I'm not. I don't want to tell you this b/c I'm afraid you'll think I have paranoia and won't believe me.
2. I wish you could hold me and cuddle with me; it would be a boundary crossing, but it would benefit. It's not an actual "violation", and some crossings are beneficial so...Please maybe, could you consider it?
3. I love you, I dream about you, I have sexual fantasies about you, I hate you.

Mar 04, 2014, 09:28 AM

YT,

sorry that I'm such a disappointment and that talking about H always ends this way.

I will try harder to not bring my issues with H into the room...

Mar 04, 2014, 09:41 AM

Dear T: what a strange way I am feeling right now. Last time we talked and I said I had been waffling about cancelling that session, you said you knew "something was up" because I hadn't emailed you anything in the 2 weeks between appointments. Well, I have something I want to share that happened this weekend, it was a good thing, and I want to email it to you, but I can't let myself, even though I know we only have a short check-in session scheduled on the 13th and I probably won't have time for this. Isn't that weird?! Usually I am trying to stop myself from emailing and failing miserably, now it's the opposite, I want to but I can't let myself. I don't know why either. You never told me NOT to. I have started the email several times and pulled back before I could actually finish and send it. Oh well. Maybe I'll work on condensing it so I can fit it in next time.

HealingTimes · Mar 04, 2014, 12:28 PM

Dear T,
I have managed not to text you today. That makes me both happy and sad. I keep checking my phone to see if you have text me to see if I am OK, but I know that text wont come as I have to make myself OK, not rely on you to do it for me. It hurts.
I wonder if you are thinking of me.

Cherubbs · Mar 04, 2014, 02:44 PM

Hello lovely,
You're looking very handsome today, is that a new top?

AllyIsHopeful · Mar 04, 2014, 03:41 PM

Dear T,
I miss when you used to sit close to me. Why did that change? I want to ask but I'm afraid. I've always been uncomfortable with anyone getting in my personal space or "bubble". It made me uncomfortable that our feet would keep touching but after a while it became very comforting. You don't even come closer when I'm crying now. I just wanna know what changed. I don't know how to ask...

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Freewilled · Mar 04, 2014, 08:08 PM

Dear T,

This stuff is really hard....was your mom normal? I mean, was she loving? Did she want you?

I suspect she did cause I can see it in your eyes. No I don't know these things and that's true. But I feel it. If she did, I'm glad. You deserve that.

But did she ever purposely hurt you? Neglect you? Use you to meet her needs? Resent you for being sick? Tell you that you didn't love her? That you didn't care about her? You were never doing enough? That she wished you would grow up and leave already?

I don't think so....I'm glad if she didn't. But I really really wish you could understand more. Sometimes I get the feeling you might not want to see what I'm saying - like it's too hard to imagine. It might be easier to deny or minimize it than to admit it may have been the way I'm seeing it. It might be too difficult to hold. Maybe easier to blame the victim? I really need you on my side. Not so I can wallow in my own self-pity...no. Just so I can make sense of this. I feel shattered, T. It's more than injured. It's obliterated.

Mar 04, 2014, 08:25 PM

Dear T: I decided that I didn't want you to again think "something is up" because I didn't email you between appointments again. So I went ahead and sent the email I started about 4 times about my experience on Sunday that was so profound. Thank you for responding, it made me smile. Now I will leave you alone until I call on the 13th!

tealBumblebee · Mar 04, 2014, 08:28 PM

Dear T,

If I hadn't cancelled this weeks session and told you that I needed to rely on myself more I would be emailing you right now and telling you that I love and miss you. Buuuut since I did, I won't. But maybe you'll feel it in spirit so here it goes:

I miss and love you!

Mar 04, 2014, 09:21 PM

YT,

Thanks for your generosity....but i will be more conscience of the time in future so you dont have to.

I did have a sarcastic laugh over you saying to try not to worry about it in the future...lol...we dont have a future...only a few weeks left.

Mar 04, 2014, 09:50 PM

Dear T,

I really wish you were honest with me when the bubble burst. It would have been hard on me yes, but not working this out with you has been 100 X harder. I wish you trusted me and I wish I didn't trust you.

Yearning0723 · Mar 04, 2014, 10:41 PM

Dear T,

Please, please, please don't be upset at me tomorrow. I really need you to be calm and supportive and reassuring, even if I get upset, even I start crying, even I start taking all that sadness and anger and pain out on you. I need you to stay. I need you to be okay with me.

growlycat · Mar 04, 2014, 10:57 PM

Dear main T -
Don't leave me

Dear Insurance company slimebags---

What did Samuel L Jackson say in Pulp Fiction? Ezekiel?
Something vengeance something...

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Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

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