[Lamplighter]

This is an ongoing issue I have with therapists, and no different with this latest one whom I’ve been seeing for nearly a year now.

I wondered if anyone else here has (or had, it might have changed over time) a similar experience, whereby you feel increasing anger and irritation at your T because you feel T just doesn’t get you, isn’t listening properly, keeps missing important things you tell them, and generally isn’t doing/giving the things that you expect a T to provide (or need, or want...)

I am now in a state of permanent hostility and T is starting to piss me off big time, he seems to say really stupid and insensitive things, opposes me when I’m looking for validation and support and understanding, and while he listens to me complain and criticize him, changes nothing and carries on in his own usual dismissive and un-understanding way. I could go on and on about all the things that I perceive T doing wrong, but the general point I’m trying to make is that I’m so so angry at him, nearly all the time.

Now I’m aware that some of this is transference, some of this is anger directed at him that is also directed at the rest of the world and the people in my past for not giving me the things I need and want, some of it is possibly overreaction on my part due to how I feel and stuff like shame and fear (though I don’t accept that any of my feelings are an overreaction just that they might not be how other ‘normal’ people might respond in similar situations.)

What I’d really like to know is if there is anyone out there who has spent a lot of their therapy time feeling really angry at T, why and how, and what you did to resolve it (if you did) and if your therapy moved eventually to become positive and helpful (and if it did, what changed?)

Thanks

LL

[HazelGirl]

I believe a lot of this is transference.

Also, have you been diagnosed as borderline? This happens often with borderlines.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I have not been in this position, my problems are different. I find this an interesting topic though, can you give some details of instances that you mean? And how he responds? It might help to deconstruct some occasions this happens?

Hope you're okay

[stopdog]

I don't think the first one listens or understands. I was often in a frustrated rage when I left. It has lessened since I have gotten her not to talk and since I started seeing the second one.
It does not happen with the second one I see.
I am not borderline.

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I believe a lot of this is transference.

Also, have you been diagnosed as borderline? This happens often with borderlines.

Thanks for replying Hazelgirl, only I'm not sure how helpful it is to me to be asked whether I'm borderline .

My issue is feeling angry at T per se and I was hoping to hear if other people experience something similar and if so how they dealt with it.

I'm well aware that there's probably a large element of transference involved, but I don't think that negates what I feel - I'm struggling at the moment with continuing in therapy when it seems so pointlessly negative to me all the time, but I suspect it would probably be ultimately healing for me to stick with it, stick with the anger and work through it.

Only I'm not sure, so would like other people's experiences to think about.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

Thanks for replying Hazelgirl, only I'm not sure how helpful it is to me to be asked whether I'm borderline .

My issue is feeling angry at T per se and I was hoping to hear if other people experience something similar and if so how they dealt with it.

I'm well aware that there's probably a large element of transference involved, but I don't think that negates what I feel - I'm struggling at the moment with continuing in therapy when it seems so pointlessly negative to me all the time, but I suspect it would probably be ultimately healing for me to stick with it, stick with the anger and work through it.

Only I'm not sure, so would like other people's experiences to think about.

I didn't mean to discount anything, just to point out that, if you have indeed been diagnosed as borderline, it's very common and you're not alone.

If not, then I would ascribe all of it to transference. And although I don't personally have the same experience, I am sure others have had it.

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I have not been in this position, my problems are different. I find this an interesting topic though, can you give some details of instances that you mean? And how he responds? It might help to deconstruct some occasions this happens?

Hope you're okay

IG thanks for your sympathy and interest

Here's the actual instance which flipped me into a more constant state of hostility at T. He arranged for us to do a particular project together for a following session, but when I turned up all ready to do it, found that he'd forgotten all about it. There ensued a big panic as he had to rush around getting the materials together and ended up leaving the room in his attempts to do so. It was being forgotten that was the issue and not only really upset me but enraged me (this being my particular pattern of anger, anything that negates or dismisses or diminishes me pushes every button I have.)

I then brought it up the next session, having stewed over it all week and told him how upset about it I'd been, and the response I got was 'people forget'. End of. Hm. Cue LL flip out.

Now this is in isolation and to balance this negative picture I need to say that my T is, so far, very good at hearing me criticize and complain to him, about what he says and does. But he doesn't validate or empathize with my anger and that just makes me even angrier!

There are many instances where he's mightily pissed me off, most of them quite minor and low level stuff, all of them to do with me needing and wanting and not getting. All sorts of things tied up in this, so I'm really interested to hear of other's experiences with anger in therapy.

Thanks again (((((((( IG ))))))))))

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think the first one listens or understands. I was often in a frustrated rage when I left. It has lessened since I have gotten her not to talk and since I strted seeing the second one.
It does not happen with the second one I see.
I am not borderline.

Thanks Stopdog. You've expressed my ongoing complaint beautifully in that first line - I'm ALWAYS saying to T that he's not listening to me, he doesn't understand, he hasn't heard me, it's like a litany. And this being definitely part of my pattern, not being heard or understood (apart from that fact that that makes me endlessly repeat myself under the misguided belief that if only I say it often enough or in enough different variations maybe the other will finally get it, hear it, understand it) really really enrages me. Like you I often leave sessions in a frustrated rage, impotent and powerless.

How do you manage to keep seeing this T when she makes you so angry, my immediate response every time my T pisses me off is to want to quit, I just find it so difficult to imagine continuing with someone who makes me so angry, instant disconnect and loss of respect and trust etc etc. It's a problem.

[Salmon77]

I haven't gotten angry but there have been times when I thought maybe he didn't really understand. It bothered me a bit, but I told myself that the point of this is not that he'll understand my motivations and behavior, but that I will. So as long as I'm getting what I need and being pushed to think about things in a productive way, what he gets or doesn't get is not that important. ...Just a thought.

[stopdog]

If the woman does not listen or understand what I am telling her, then, for me, I would have no basis for believing anything she says. Why would I trust she knew how to push or what she was talking about in relation to me if she did not listen to me first? IF the woman is not listening or understanding me - then she is just guessing or playing around at me. And I have no use for being played with or guessed at in that way.
For me, it helped when she just stopped talking. Then it was not so obvious she did not have a clue about me and I never found what she said useful in the first place. But it is not unuseful to have someone who does not care and who will not interfere to tell things to that I would not tell real people in my life.

[growlycat]

It is concerning that you feel unheard most of the time. T may not be a good "fit" for you.

However, getting angry at T does happen. I get miffed when my CBT T is 5 min late but I haven't said anything.
Same thing when he forgets things, both important and not so important.

You have voiced your concerns and he hasn't adapted---have you considered a different T?

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by growlycat

It is concerning that you feel unheard most of the time. T may not be a good "fit" for you.

However, getting angry at T does happen. I get miffed when my CBT T is 5 min late but I haven't said anything.
Same thing when he forgets things, both important and not so important.

You have voiced your concerns and he hasn't adapted---have you considered a different T?

Thanks Growlycat. Unfortunately this T is the very last on my original very long list of Ts to see. I know in advance that I will not find someone who is a better fit, having worked my way through a few dozen over the years already.

I am pretty much of the mind that T doing/saying things that really wind me up is something I probably need to 'work through' rather than run away from (which is what I've tended to have to do, having been unable to previously find a T who was capable of dealing with anger).

I'd love to find a T who is a better fit, that would mean I might actually get some of what I've been looking for, wanting and needing - but that's not going to happen so for now I'm sticking with this one and hoping that it's going to be helpful. I do wish he'd buck up his attitude and ideas though

Just hoped that there might have been others on here who experienced something similar and persevered to breakthrough to some sort of healing through the hostile dynamics. I can't be the only one who has anger as the surfacing issue surely?

[AllyIsHopeful]

I wish I was able to give advice. I often have this issue but am able to hide it; however I believe that is what hinders me getting the most out of my sessions. I guess it is pretty normal. Could it be transference? Usually when I feel this way, I am able to realize that it is projection or transference. It's still hard for me to bring up the issue though.

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

I wish I was able to give advice. I often have this issue but am able to hide it; however I believe that is what hinders me getting the most out of my sessions. I guess it is pretty normal. Could it be transference? Usually when I feel this way, I am able to realize that it is projection or transference. It's still hard for me to bring up the issue though.

HH thanks too for replying.

When you say that you realize that feeling this way is projection or transference, how does that affect the dynamics between you? Do you then more or less 'blame' yourself and stop feeling angry at T, or do you just end up squashing your angry perceptions and not going into them?

And how does it hinder you getting the most from your sessions, do you mean that if you felt more kindly disposed towards T, he'd be warmer and more accepting towards you and you'd get more done? I can understand anger really getting in the way of making connection, but I also have to wonder whether the condition of getting the most out of therapy being dependent on getting rid of or hiding one's anger is healing at all. Just thinking aloud here, because I've spent a lot of my life hiding anger and being unable to work with or express it...

I think a lot of what I'm feeling is transference, and I'm for sure repeating patterns from the past (trying to get from an ungiving 'caretaker' all that sort of stuff...) BUT my anger is real and my perceived reasons for it are real too so it's almost impossible for me to dismiss it all as 'just' transference. My healing wish is for T to let me go right into the rage against him and validate and accept it as ok - I'm 100% convinced that that is the magic bullet for me. But of course, if it were a piece of cake to express said rage and even allow myself to feel it, I wouldn't need the therapy in the first place probably. BIG SIGH anger is the most villified of all the feelings and the most unwelcome in therapy. It's a problem alright.

Lamplighter, your anger might be justified.
I've felt sometimes T wasn't getting me. But not in the sense that it was a pattern.
We were able to get to what 'it' was that I felt she wasn't getting.
It could be your T's are not getting you.
It's hard to say from here.
Have you spoken to him about it? If so, what was his response?

[elliemay]

I was angry and overtly hostile with my therapist when I first started therapy. THEN some years later I had to start with a new psychiatrist, I was a real pistol with him too.

The thing that helped me was when both called me on it. My therapist got a little fed up and just asked me a lot of questions that my logical mind had to deal with (was he really treating me *that* badly etc...). It took awhile, but those very questions made me realize that this anger belonged to me. I was putting it on him.

Later on, he would do stuff that merited anger and we would work through it.

My psychiatrist did much the same thing, but indicated that he completely understood my anger. He wasn't my old psychiatrist.

Again, that anger was mine. I got over that pretty quickly.

It's hard to parcel out if the anger is coming from an internal spring versus an external cause (and yes, people can do stuff that makes us angry - we own it, but it starts with them).

Maybe asking yourself some hard questions and demanding evidence for the answers might help resolve it.

Being mad all the time sucks. I hope you can work this out soon.

Peace.

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Lamplighter, your anger might be justified.
I've felt sometimes T wasn't getting me. But not in the sense that it was a pattern.
We were able to get to what 'it' was that I felt she wasn't getting.
It could be your T's are not getting you.
It's hard to say from here.
Have you spoken to him about it? If so, what was his response?

Mouse thanks, and you are right on in what you're saying. That's exactly what seems to go on in all my therapies, the T just isn't getting me. Current T is aware that that's my complaint and I'm not slow to point out both that and when he's not getting me. But he doesn't seem particularly interested in finding out what it is he's not getting (unlike your T by the sound of it.)

And yeah, I talk to him about this, constantly . I've been banging on about wanting to deal with my angry feelings and what I'm not getting that I need and want, almost since our first session. His responses are really wishy washy, he never seems to respond directly to anything to do with my anger, and generally I find I'm being steered into other directions (he is focusing more on what he considers the 'true' cause of the anger, that is underlying hurt etc - which is possibly correct, but whatever underlying stuff there might be is totally inaccessible until the anger which it inspires is worked through first.)

Like most therapists, he's ignoring what I'm presenting and (wrongly) trying to get to what he thinks is behind it. With the result that I'm being invalidated and dismissed and feeling like I'm always being opposed doubted unheard and worse, seen as in the wrong.

Sorry got a bit carried away there, have been thinking more and more about the whole anger issue and seeing just how lacking my T is in this situation. I get so tired of going into therapy with the same complaints the same criticisms the same pointless and unheard explanations about what I need and want

[feralkittymom]

Unattached anger doesn't get resolved. It's blind, undifferentiated rage. Specific moments of anger attached to specific moments of injury get resolved. Perhaps he's trying to get to the underlying hurts that inspire the anger in order to deconstruct them and for you to experience such moments together: a hurt and its attached anger (and any other feelings so attached), so that they can be healed.

[nicoleflynn]

I see no point in staying with a t that doesn't get you, or that you feel angry with (most of the time?)....every t isn't a good fit for us. I would find another one.

[Aloneandafraid]

Just thought I would mention (probably not relevant but....) the other week I was ready to give up and I felt this intense frustration that I have made no progress in the year I have been seeing T. In fact, I am in a much worse place now than I was this time last year although I have had a lot of things happen (bereavements, job loss, illness to deal with). Anyway - my T said (on more than one session) that she thinks my frustration with her at not moving on is actually anger at not getting my needs met in RL. I dont know if this resonates at all - Im sorry if its way off topic but just thought I would share. I do actually feel angry with the world at the moment and desperately want to get past this - I want to feel empathy and connection with my T which at the moment Im not sadly. She also keeps voicing the positives to every situation which is extremely annoying. She just doesnt have any experience of what I am going through. This makes me angry but i also feel guilty for feeling angry. I am just mixed up. Please forgive stupid post!

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

HH thanks too for replying.

When you say that you realize that feeling this way is projection or transference, how does that affect the dynamics between you?

It's not always projection/transference, but when it is I do catch it fairly quickly. Now it is usually before the session is even over. It puts a temporary strain on our communication because initially T perceives it as criticizing or attacking her, so she gets a tad defensive. I am able to diffuse the situation now, but before it would cause ruptures.

Do you then more or less 'blame' yourself and stop feeling angry at T, or do you just end up squashing your angry perceptions and not going into them?

I never blame myself necessarily...because I'm not doing it intentionally or consciously. I used to blame myself. Now I realize it is an emotional defense and it is going to happen now and then. Sometimes I throw these perceptions out the window and don't verbalize my realizations of transference/projection. Usually I do admit to her, however, and then apologize.

And how does it hinder you getting the most from your sessions, do you mean that if you felt more kindly disposed towards T, he'd be warmer and more accepting towards you and you'd get more done? I can understand anger really getting in the way of making connection, but I also have to wonder whether the condition of getting the most out of therapy being dependent on getting rid of or hiding one's anger is healing at all. Just thinking aloud here, because I've spent a lot of my life hiding anger and being unable to work with or express it...

YES. Yes...I do feel this way. You actually put the exact words to my feelings I haven't been able to verbalize and I want to give you a giant hug for it. lol I do feel like my disposition affects her warmth and level of empathy toward me and what I'm telling her. I am definitely going to address the topic of anger with my T in the next few sessions. I never want to feel as if I have to hide it and I am not allowed to work through a certain emotion.

I think a lot of what I'm feeling is transference, and I'm for sure repeating patterns from the past (trying to get from an ungiving 'caretaker' all that sort of stuff...) BUT my anger is real and my perceived reasons for it are real too so it's almost impossible for me to dismiss it all as 'just' transference. My healing wish is for T to let me go right into the rage against him and validate and accept it as ok - I'm 100% convinced that that is the magic bullet for me. But of course, if it were a piece of cake to express said rage and even allow myself to feel it, I wouldn't need the therapy in the first place probably. BIG SIGH anger is the most villified of all the feelings and the most unwelcome in therapy. It's a problem alright.

I completely understand what you mean by dismissing it ALL as transference. For me, much of it is transference and I realize that; But sometimes it is me genuinely being angry at T for not really HEARING me or understanding something I'm explaining so vividly. I so understand you when you say you wish you could go into the rage against T and have them validate/accept it as okay. I wish I could show any color of emotion, good or bad, and have a neutral or objective reaction from my therapist. I guess to a certain extent it makes me realize she is human, with human emotions, but it is still frustrating because it is healing to be "allowed" to feel all emotions, no matter what.

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Just thought I would mention (probably not relevant but....) the other week I was ready to give up and I felt this intense frustration that I have made no progress in the year I have been seeing T. In fact, I am in a much worse place now than I was this time last year although I have had a lot of things happen (bereavements, job loss, illness to deal with). Anyway - my T said (on more than one session) that she thinks my frustration with her at not moving on is actually anger at not getting my needs met in RL. I dont know if this resonates at all - Im sorry if its way off topic but just thought I would share. I do actually feel angry with the world at the moment and desperately want to get past this - I want to feel empathy and connection with my T which at the moment Im not sadly. She also keeps voicing the positives to every situation which is extremely annoying. She just doesnt have any experience of what I am going through. This makes me angry but i also feel guilty for feeling angry. I am just mixed up. Please forgive stupid post!

((((((( Aloneandafraid )))))))

Not a stupid post at all, you describe pretty much what I go through, often. I’m sorry though you’re having such a hard time dealing with feeling like you’ve made no progress (I can very much sympathize with that one!) and it sounds like you’ve been having a rubbish year of it all up


What your T says about the frustration being down to not getting needs met in real world certainly does resonate, for sure I’m not and haven’t had many needs met out there and yes that’s at the bottom of a lot of my issues. BUT I’m in therapy specifically to try and get some of those needs met - which may or may not be a really stupid thing for me to be doing/expecting – and therefore I find it a tad disingenuous when a T passes the buck in that way by blaming external factors and not looking at what’s going on in the room. But I get how feeling angry, especially at the whole world (snap!) but also specifically at T, can make you feel guilty. And how much nicer and better and generally more pleasant everything would be if only we could feel warm and fuzzy and close to our Ts. Fat chance of that for me I’m afraid


I also sympathize very much with how you must feel with your T constantly pointing out the positives when in fact, you’re feeling bad about things and could do with some understanding and validation, rather than that gung ho cheerful kind of opposition (which by the way I find incredibly dismissive and invalidating, but that’s me...)

I hope you can persevere and find very soon that you have indeed made progress. I’m told (and just have to take it on faith) that change and progress in therapy is like a creeping thing, you don’t really notice it at the time. Maybe you actually are making progress and just don’t know it, yet. Got to hope haven’t we?

Thanks for your post

[Lamplighter]

Hello again HH, thanks for responding again

Ah I wondered about the issue of transference and how it panned out in the room – if it makes your T defensive (something I find unprofessional in Ts, but unfortunately all too common) then I can understand your working to pre-empt it in order to avoid causing ruptures. Must put a bit of strain on you though, having to monitor your reactions and feelings so that they don’t negatively affect T? I’d find that would just increase my feelings of anger and hostility.

Hey that’s good that you no longer blame yourself for the transferential feelings – I still struggle big time with all my feelings, bought into the line that said I am totally and only responsible for everything I feel – easily translated into ‘blame’. Ugh.

LOL glad what I said was of some help. Here’s a giant hug back I hope you do manage to have a decent discussion with your T about your anger, and not having to hide it. If you do, could I be a pain and ask you to post about it? I’d be really interested to hear how that talk goes

Yeah T’s humanity might have its uses, but it can really get in the way of our healing I reckon. I don’t go to therapy to suffer the same crappy responses I get in the real world, I pay good money for a therapist to NOT be humanly affected by my issues and feelings, that’s what it’s all about as far as I’m concerned. So I don’t buy into the humanity excuse too easily – like my T saying in response to my upset and anger about his forgetting the project ‘people forget’. Well yeah, but I’m paying YOU T, to NOT forget... Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Anyway, thanks so much for taking the time to reply again, it was really useful to read what you wrote. (((((((( HH ))))))))))

p.s. I love your signature. All too true!

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful
HH thanks too for replying.

When you say that you realize that feeling this way is projection or transference, how does that affect the dynamics between you?

It's not always projection/transference, but when it is I do catch it fairly quickly. Now it is usually before the session is even over. It puts a temporary strain on our communication because initially T perceives it as criticizing or attacking her, so she gets a tad defensive. I am able to diffuse the situation now, but before it would cause ruptures.

Do you then more or less 'blame' yourself and stop feeling angry at T, or do you just end up squashing your angry perceptions and not going into them?

I never blame myself necessarily...because I'm not doing it intentionally or consciously. I used to blame myself. Now I realize it is an emotional defense and it is going to happen now and then. Sometimes I throw these perceptions out the window and don't verbalize my realizations of transference/projection. Usually I do admit to her, however, and then apologize.

And how does it hinder you getting the most from your sessions, do you mean that if you felt more kindly disposed towards T, he'd be warmer and more accepting towards you and you'd get more done? I can understand anger really getting in the way of making connection, but I also have to wonder whether the condition of getting the most out of therapy being dependent on getting rid of or hiding one's anger is healing at all. Just thinking aloud here, because I've spent a lot of my life hiding anger and being unable to work with or express it...

YES. Yes...I do feel this way. You actually put the exact words to my feelings I haven't been able to verbalize and I want to give you a giant hug for it. lol I do feel like my disposition affects her warmth and level of empathy toward me and what I'm telling her. I am definitely going to address the topic of anger with my T in the next few sessions. I never want to feel as if I have to hide it and I am not allowed to work through a certain emotion.

I think a lot of what I'm feeling is transference, and I'm for sure repeating patterns from the past (trying to get from an ungiving 'caretaker' all that sort of stuff...) BUT my anger is real and my perceived reasons for it are real too so it's almost impossible for me to dismiss it all as 'just' transference. My healing wish is for T to let me go right into the rage against him and validate and accept it as ok - I'm 100% convinced that that is the magic bullet for me. But of course, if it were a piece of cake to express said rage and even allow myself to feel it, I wouldn't need the therapy in the first place probably. BIG SIGH anger is the most villified of all the feelings and the most unwelcome in therapy. It's a problem alright.

I completely understand what you mean by dismissing it ALL as transference. For me, much of it is transference and I realize that; But sometimes it is me genuinely being angry at T for not really HEARING me or understanding something I'm explaining so vividly. I so understand you when you say you wish you could go into the rage against T and have them validate/accept it as okay. I wish I could show any color of emotion, good or bad, and have a neutral or objective reaction from my therapist. I guess to a certain extent it makes me realize she is human, with human emotions, but it is still frustrating because it is healing to be "allowed" to feel all emotions, no matter what. __________________
Walking Out Doors Only Works When You Shut Them...

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Unattached anger doesn't get resolved. It's blind, undifferentiated rage. Specific moments of anger attached to specific moments of injury get resolved. Perhaps he's trying to get to the underlying hurts that inspire the anger in order to deconstruct them and for you to experience such moments together: a hurt and its attached anger (and any other feelings so attached), so that they can be healed.

Hi Lamplighter,

I'm quoting what feralkittymom has said because I was thinking along the same lines as her and want to add to her comment.

The kind of anger you are describing is a really diffuse anger about not getting your needs met. The needs are repressed, so there is nothing to hear; nothing to listen too. That's why it seems like he isn't hearing you.

Example (this is a random topic I chose): a person feels alone in the world and a conversation about an upcoming holiday comes up. The person doesn't recognize the aloneness, so expresses anger about holiday advertising. Only it doesn't stop there; the anger will range from traffic to capitalism. Presented to a therapist, he knows the anger has nothing to do with traffic or capitalism. You just know.

I believe your T is doing the right thing by trying to help you access what's behind the anger. Like FKM said, you can only do that with directed anger. This anger is diffuse; think of it as all the disavowed aloneness of the person in the example above, but spread out (diffuse) over all interactions throughout the entire week.

Sorry if it sounds dismissive to say there is "nothing" to hear or listen too. It's just that the things you are angry about might not have anything to do with the anger. If that's the case, then it can't be listened too. I don't know how else to explain it, but I hope you get to the bottom of it soon!

edited to add:

I found someone who explains this much better:

When children have to cope with dysfunctional parents—especially when the mother is demanding and the father is absent physically or emotionally—they learn to suppress their own needs and capitulate to the needs of the parents. Essentially, the children learn that hiding their true thoughts and feelings is the surest way to survive.

Eventually, the child will carry this emotional hiding right into adulthood, where it will cause frustrating difficulties in interpersonal relationships. Always holding back your true thoughts and feelings, you will feel constantly misunderstood. And then something odd happens. Blind to your own psychological defenses, and unable to see your role in the communication difficulties, you will blame others for everything. “It’s your fault!” You will always be at odds with others because, in blaming them, you fail to see that you are unconsciously speaking the angry words—“It’s your fault!”—you feared so deeply to say to you own parents.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

Hello again HH, thanks for responding again

Ah I wondered about the issue of transference and how it panned out in the room – if it makes your T defensive (something I find unprofessional in Ts, but unfortunately all too common) then I can understand your working to pre-empt it in order to avoid causing ruptures. Must put a bit of strain on you though, having to monitor your reactions and feelings so that they don’t negatively affect T? I’d find that would just increase my feelings of anger and hostility.

Hey that’s good that you no longer blame yourself for the transferential feelings – I still struggle big time with all my feelings, bought into the line that said I am totally and only responsible for everything I feel – easily translated into ‘blame’. Ugh.

LOL glad what I said was of some help. Here’s a giant hug back I hope you do manage to have a decent discussion with your T about your anger, and not having to hide it. If you do, could I be a pain and ask you to post about it? I’d be really interested to hear how that talk goes

Yeah T’s humanity might have its uses, but it can really get in the way of our healing I reckon. I don’t go to therapy to suffer the same crappy responses I get in the real world, I pay good money for a therapist to NOT be humanly affected by my issues and feelings, that’s what it’s all about as far as I’m concerned. So I don’t buy into the humanity excuse too easily – like my T saying in response to my upset and anger about his forgetting the project ‘people forget’. Well yeah, but I’m paying YOU T, to NOT forget... Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Anyway, thanks so much for taking the time to reply again, it was really useful to read what you wrote. (((((((( HH ))))))))))

p.s. I love your signature. All too true!

Yes, it does get frustrating having to monitor what I say and really think before I portray specific emotions. It creates major imbalance. "Wait, is it really okay for me to show happiness, sadness, and tears? How could those be okay if anger is not?" Then I begin second guessing everything and completely shut her out, which is counterproductive.

Well your response inspired me to address the issue of expressing anger in sessions today. So I did and I can't really report how effective it is yet since she just gave me the solution today, but at least I now have a solution to hiding the emotion! It's a start. If you are curious on the specific advice she gave, I mentioned it (JUST for you) in the most recent thread I posted. The thread has the title "T warmed my heart today" and I posted it below my original post so no searching necessary.

I totally understand what you mean about T's forgetting things. I don't have this issue with my Therapist, but I have it with my pDoc from time to time and it is very frustrating.