Vision 2 Harm my family

all I did was yell at them ... I have not hurt them they are not in danger

Nature1968, yeah somebody close to me is on psychosis meds and they have gained weight and I know they don't like it either.

I don't know your situation but from what you written here, it seems to me you have the right to be angry at them. And I think if it helps you process this, you can keep posting here and sharing how you feel.

At the same time, do you also like them or love them aside from this behavior? Because if you do, would you want to hurt them? Because sometimes people feel very angry and then do something and then they regret it because they hurt people that they love, their family and friends, and so on.

So one thing you could do is take a few deep breaths, just try to relax a little bit and focus on positive things and whatever brings you joy. You can also contact your doctor and talk about how you feel and whatever treatment is available. If it's psychosis pills (lots of people take them, people whose angers cause them distress or worries them they would act in ways that would harm themselves or other people), then yes they might lead to weight gain but there are things you can do to lower your weight and also there are other psychosis pills available that have lower risk of weight gain. You bring this up with your doc.

But there is help available and don't let your anger get the better of you, okay?

I am a cold hearted woman , I have no love but I do know that hurting my family will not make me feel any better . I know my family loves me but I do not feel the love .
The only feelings I do have are anger or numb feeling or happy .

I think after experenceing today I will call the T that my other T recommended me to see as I am not doing good at all , I will call monday and see what other things I can do because I just can't see myself taking meds. or at least psychosis med.
I have a hard time taking pills daily I forget or I just don't feel like taking it and it messes my system up .

Talking on here is helping me

You admit you hurt an animal after fantasizing about it. People who abuse animals are statistically quite likely to cross the line into harming other humans. Therefore they are in some danger from you. You yelled at them for something that was their father's fault. You say you do not love them. Why not leave and let them be safe and happier and you will be happier also without them pushing your buttons.

and where should I go because the next place is the streets is that were I need to be ?

Oh I'm glad talking here is of help. I can not imagine how difficult it must be for you. That kind of anger sounds very distressful. And it's very tough to not feel love towards others or feel loved yourself. To just feel anger or numbness.

Another thing I had forgotten to mention is just tell them how what they do is upsetting to you. Many times people don't know how I feel till I actually talk to them about it. You have the right to express your feelings, including anger. You don't need to yell necessarily but you can just tell them how upsetting this whole thing was to you. Maybe they can explain it to you better and be more understanding.

Your comments are coming across as a tad bit hostile. I think the OP is suffering.

Nature,

I understand the pain you must be in. But are you really going to put your fear of gaining weight or of side effects or whatever in front of your family's safety?

Also, you may feel cold-hearted right now. But you don't have to stay that way. Therapy can help, and so can medications. I know it's hard. But you can improve your life and get better.

You need a psychiatrist who can do something for you to address your anger and paranoia. Anger and frustration are normal and fantasy can be helpful. But since you acted out a fantasy in the past, I think you should put your fears of weight gain aside and get serious abyour getting better. The newer medications don't have the serious side effects of the older ones. There may be some weight gain but you can take steps to control it. Maybe you can do the food shopping instead of your husband. Also, you can also put the tempting foods in locked cabinets so you can't access them.

As for your kids, remember that they have no control over what your husband does with regard to spending or anything else. You and your husband are the adults, they are just innocent bystanders at the mercy of the decisions both he and you make. Even if you are not violent toward them, an angry, chaotic environment can still be very frightening and can hurt them psychologically. It may be wise to remove yourself or them from the household until you can get your mood under control.

I disagree about fantasies. I think having fantasies , even violent ones, are fairly usual. Both therapists I see have said they are. The second one has shared some of hers and they are not tame. Acting on them is not usual. I think it is more harmful to deny violent fantasy exists.

I think, however, the OP's fantasies sounded as though they were intrusive in her head. It did not seem clear (at least to me) that she was confident that they would stay purely as fantasies - there seemed a wobbly haphazard 'I wanna actually do this' quality right there.

I am relieved that the urges have passed for you, OP. You do need your medication reviewed though. I know you are suffering but that still doesn't absolve you of blame if you seriously think you might hurt your children. Over a bloody xbox. Ffs.

If the choice is between that and harming your children, yes. But that is not the real choice and I think you are aware of that. You are at the point of becoming a danger to others when you have begun acting on your fantasies. Therefore the real option is to go to a hospital and get yourself the help you need.


She is angry. Not the same as true suffering. Nor do I belive her suffering allows her to emotionally or physically harm others. "Oh poor you" responses are inappropriate in this context and can cause people to act on their violent fantasies. I know that beyond any doubt because I have been on the receiving end of it. My mother would get responses like some of you are giving the op and then she thinks she is somehow right or justified or her thoughts are fine and safe. Once she was told her feelings and thoughts were fine and understandable, she kept ramping herself up from there.

I did edit my comments to say that fantasy is normal. However, the OP stated she acted out a violent fantasy in the past. With children involved and a general lack of loving feelings toward them, I'd be concerned that this could be more than healthy fantasy.

I don't see fearing that your family wants to kill you (the first post) as a fantasy, but as a condition that needs help.

If you know more about OP, from other interactions on the forum, then perhaps you know better. I was only reacting to the posts in this thread. What I perceived from the posts was a very strong level of anger and also great paranoia and tremendous fear in OP's posts! Initially I felt she was just sharing a fantasy but when I looked at her other posts, I felt it was more. If you feel that people are trying to kill you and hurt you, how could you not be afraid, how could you not suffer? You would suffer greatly!

I don't mean to be completely critical of your two posts here. You were reacting to possibility of physical harm happening to her children. Which would also, indirectly, lead to negative consequences for the OP legally or emotionally. It was very important to mention that and to make sure OP is self aware. I just tried to offer what I saw as lacking in the thread. Which was people seeing OP as human and suffering, and expressing that to her. She had said she knows her family love her but she doesn't feel it. It made me sad to read that.

I don't think anybody said the fear is the fantasy. When somebody is afraid or angry or even in love with somebody (like have a crush on another person), they can have elaborate fantasies or dreams. This is not mental illness by itself. There is a continuum. If I confuse fantasy with reality and act on it, then it can be mental illness.

When I read the first post, I thought she was just real mad and felt like her husband was trying to push her over the edge, not literally kill her. I thought maybe she was misunderstood and felt ignored or possibility that her husband indeed hostile to her. So I thought maybe this was a passing fear and anger and paranoia in response to having a terrible day. When I read more posts, however, I felt there was more to this, and I became more concerned, both for her and her family.

I understand you, I feel my h is trying to drive me insane, he knows what buttons to push, he plays mind games , I'm paranoid half the time, he hurts me emotionally , one minute he treats me like everything is going to be fine, the next he says, we have no hope and we might as well not live. I get fantasies as well to eliminate him. I understand you it's very difficult !!!!

ive had thoughts and paranoia that people were doing specific things just to get at me and make me angry. but in the end its just paranoia. a symptom. ive heard voices that have told me to hurt other people and my cat. but i dont do those things. i talk about them to my T. i feel like u would fare better talking to a mental health professional about all this. i sense that these kinds of posts on this particular subforum elicit strong reactions from people. saying your paranoias and intrusive thoughts and strong emotions out loud to someone safe has always helped me. maybe you do need to be in the hospital. its hard to tell someones intent over the internet. i understand having thoughts and fantasies that when voiced would probably scare other people. but this is not to say that you should hide them. i just think you would get more support if you talked to a professional about this. i think that most people tend to judge people who have psychosis as scary and dangerous. i think a trained professional who specializes in psychosis can help you. i hope that you get the support you need.

Nature, it's not your fantasies that bother me here as much as what I perceive as your apparent lack of responsibility for yourself and your own emotions. For instance you blame your h for you eating the junk food that he buys. It is disrespectful of him to continue buying the food if you have asked him not to (unless he is just buying a small amount for himself, he is entitled to that), but you are responsible for eating it and for your own health.
Your h may have made you angry by not discussing buying the Xbox with you first, but you are responsible for that anger and the way you express it. It is your emotion, not his.


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Nature, please understand that many of us on this forum have witnessed or endured the kind of violence you fear and fantasize about. Honestly, the kinds of things you are threatening/sharing are not ones I could ever be silent about.

Too often, people are afraid to make a judgement call in case it's wrong. I will always err on the side of safety, especially for children and animals. Whether or not you are just venting or are serious, you've said that your doctor is urging APs now, so someone in your real life is concerned about you and those around you. I hope you find a way to follow through and get some help.

I have read what every one has said and thank you all for your input .

I grew up in a violent , alcohol , abusive home , when I was adopted as
a baby .

I learned from my adopted father on how to deal with anger ,
If my dad was angry at our dog he kicked it , so I learned that animals are nothing but an object . I have a history of animal abuse , it was my only outlet to express my anger .

Do I love animals YES I have learned that they are special and known to save lives .Should I be around them ... no because I can snap and I don't trust
myself . But I do like animals !

I have inner rage , not just mad but rage inside me ..

The time I really need a T is when I am in my " rage " to talk me down to calm me down so I can think and not react .

I could not agree with this more. This sort of subject matter is a trigger for me but it's also very serious and I feel it's important to add my comment. I think that most people on this forum respond in caring and supportive ways to all who express themselves here and I imagine from your words, Nature1968, that you are struggling as well. But there is the added factor that even the title of your thread indicates thoughts of harm to your family, as well as the posts throughout this thread about the same subject as well as writing about past harm to animals. For this reason people will also be concerned and express thoughts about the people and animals around you that could possibly be harmed if the thoughts you describe become action or behavior. I plead for you to seek immediate help and support for what you are dealing with. Being concerned about those around you does not mean we are not also concerned about you but it is something that needs to be considered and talked about.

It's true that probably everyone fantasizes at one time or another about inflicting harm on a family member or someone they care about. That is human and it is, in and of itself, harmless. It just doesn't sound like that is what you are describing and with your acknowledged past of harming animals I think it's essential that you ask for some help. It's for you and for the ones you love. I think it is a positive thing that you have come here to talk about this-that is a very good sign that you are talking about all of this. I would keep going in this positive direction and seek the help of a professional who can be by your side and support you through all that you are going through.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Everybody is deserving of love and care. That includes your family and children but also yourself. It made me sad to hear that you don't feel love from your family and you feel they are trying to hurt you. If one can't trust one's own family, who can we trust? If we are not loved by our own family, who can love us? Then I read just now you were adopted and grew up in an abusive family. Which is again, quite sad. I also understand also that you have an inner rage that's sometimes out of control. Which can be dangerous.

Just know there is help available and despite what is happened to you in the past, you can feel love, both towards others and love from others towards you. It takes work. But it doesn't mean love doesn't exist. It's there. But first step is to know you are a worthy human being, a person deserving of love and care and respect. And your feelings are valid.

Aside from people's recommendations for seeking help and make sure you and your family are both safe when you feel uncontrollable rage, I want to also add if you can work on communication skills training. I know a few people who have sort of similar tendencies and often they struggle with being heard or listened to and they also feel powerless in getting what they want. Powerlessness can sometimes feed into paranoia. I'm not sure the case with you, but if you take meds to help control the rage, make sure you get some kind of therapy and maybe work on different aspects to improve your present situation and also deal with effects of past abuse.
Good luck.

Yes powerless is the root of my rage
Powerless to stop the sexual abuse , powerless to stop the physical abuse and so on ..
Deep down inside me is a scared lonely girl who is afraid of humans . Humans hurt me and expect me to take it over and over and when I did get help was abused again it never stops .

I don't think I can ever love because it's just not there , the wall is way to thick and strong to break down .

I will get help , thank you

Thank you for sharing your wisdom.