My T Left Me...Part 2

My fiance's job is....complicated.

He was looking for a job, but no one would hire him because he lacked enough experience. He found this job and they cared more about ability than experience. There was no contact when he first started, so the company didn't pay him for a 2 weeks. My fiance walked. They apologized, said they couldn't afford him full-time, and created a contract for him to work 5 hours a week at $40 an hour, anything over 5 hours would be $25 an hour, 5% commission for sales he makes, stock in the company, and a bonus for projects completed. We agreed just so he could get in experience. Oh, his title is IT Director and he builds cloud storage solutions...or something like that. Well, they never paid him for the hours he worked over the first 5, and they only paid him 2/3 of a bonus for completion of a project. His contract ended mid-March and they promised him a salary by end of March. No salary yet.

He also started building them their own cloud to host other companies data. Well, the CFO isn't paying the bill to the company where their servers are. The 1.5 million dollar deal was going to be signed this Friday, but they can't because their severs won't be online since there's nowhere to house them. And this deal was with a Fortune 500 company!

So my fiance and a coworker are going to try to get the severs back tonight before the company siezes them. If he can't get them back, the project dies, the company probably dies, and there will be no work for him. He made about 12k last year from this company. If the deal would have gone through, he would have gotten 5% of it every month. You do the math. It's a huge loss for us. He has proven his loyalty to the company and if they can't afford him still, then it's time to find a job that actually pays him what he's worth.

Besides, he'll have his MBA in May. He'll be worth a lot more then.

(((SP))) Glad to hear you are doing better. The ups and downs can be exhausting.

I can't explain how I'm feeling after the funeral on Sunday. I don't think I got any sense of peace or closure or anything I was hoping for. I feel like I'm in "fake it" mode and I'm just going through the motions all day long.

I just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking about you and following your progress.

I really hope you sleep peacefully tonight. Not because of any timetable, just because.

Just wanted to say "hi" quickly. Struggling a bit myself at the moment. But there's no way I'm giving up.

Go, us!

Yeah, go us!

I'm sorry nervous puppy. I'm glad your H went though. Maybe the peace and closure don't come yet, ut by going, it will help in the healing process. It could be that you're still in shock or semi-denial. I'm proud of you for going. I believe there's is an afterlife, so I believe your T was smiling down on you. I know you're in pain now, but she has been set free of hers. Death is one of the hardest parts of life. Next would be loss of other forms. Humans are social animals. We are programmed to make connections. So when that connection is severed, it can be extremely painful. If I could, I would reach out and hug you. I would let you cry for however long you needed. I hope your H will give you at least the space to grieve. I think him coming with you was a big step for him. It was him showing you he loves you even though he doesn't understand. Please know I'm here for you and thinking about you.

I'm sorry you're also struggling If you need someone to listen, I'm always here.

I'm not sure about the peppy attiude but we do have to stick together. None of us can't give up. We'll support each other until the next high waves comes in...and still we'll be there.

I hope you sleep peacefully as well. And everyone. And me.

I'm depressed atm because my fiance couldn't get the hardware back. Supposedly, he's quiting Thursday. I hope he does. But it sucks that he wasted a year at this job and no real paycheck. It has taken its toll on all of us. I just feel like I'm let down so many times recently. I don't know anymore. It's all too sad. And of course it's nighttime... I have a lot to be thankful for. I just wish I didn't have to struggle so much, you know?

But in about 10-12 hrs, I'll wake up, hopefully refreshed, and hopefully it turns out to be a good day. I believe there's a purpose to everything, so there must be something good coming soon. Again, I hope...

I wish my T could feel my pain. Not because I want her to hurt (well I do a little), but so she could understand what she caused. You know how women would like men to feel what cramps and labor is like just so they can understand the pain? Like that. Or if she walk in my shoes for a day.

I might have idealized my T some, but it was because she always tried to come across as perfect. If I ever had a problem with her, she would always direct it back to me. The only time she owned up to anything was her play on words. I was able to point it out to her when she did it and she admitted to it. How can you see a person for who they really are if they're never open with you? Maybe her life was as good as she made it seem. Maybe she couldn't empathize? I know, I'm back to the whys again. I'm just badly want to make sense of this. I want 1+1 to equal 2. Not x+y = termination. What is x and y??? I think I depend on logic to keep me stable. This unknown stuff just drives me insane. I don't get it. I don't understand. For most things in my life, I either know or can hypothesize what happened. But this...this I cannot. I can't wrap my head around this and it's frustrating me!

i would want my t to feel the pain too. it seems unfair that as clients we are subjected to all the pain and the crap, and the therapists get off easy.

I just talked to my advocate and she kind of messed up and told me something.

She was talking to me about the process of the grievance. She said it takes 60 days, but they might have to request an extra 14 day extension if the T isn't being cooperative. I asked her what good would another 14 days be if she won't comply within 60. She said she doesn't think it will be a problem because she's worked with my T before... Ummm. I told her she shouldn't have told me that. She tried to give the excuse that she also works with appeals. I told her that I'm the first client my T has gone through the appeal process for, so.... We both agreed to change the topic.

So this isn't the first grievance filed against my T. That makes me more sad And more angry.

Wow, I totally understand how this causes you a mixed bag of emotions.

So this news could mean that part of the problem is on her end. I'm sorry, I'm sure this does not make it easier for you.

Hugs

Yikes. What a slip of the tongue. As painful as it is to know that... hopefully, maybe, just a little it helps reinforce the fact that it's her issue and not about you.

But yeah. That's a lot of emotions to sort through.

Yeah. It does confirm that this isn't 100% me. In fact, it's probably mostly her or all her. That helps with my self-esteem? but not so much with emotional pain. After all this, I still love her. Pathetic, I know. I don't think that will ever change. That's who I am. When I love someone, I really do love them. But it hurts. It hurts to know that my T has done this to someone else. This woman who I looked up to and admired. It's disappointing to say the least.

Not pathetic!

It's not pathetic to still love her. It's not been that long and this was someone with whom you built trust. Our emotions don't just stop being just because they don't fit the facts or when someone does something to hurt us. That's why it takes time to heal. So be compassionate to yourself and be kind. It is what it is and you're taking steps to move forward.

Love can be unconditional. That doesn't mean it's wise. Sometimes, maybe the other doesn't deserve it. It means we can get hurt. But it's not pathetic.

I have never known anyone on tv or irl or online including myself (especially myself) who has held up and pushed thru these first two weeks without being a catatonic, substance-abusing, oversleeping, overphoning crabby butt mess, but was actually present, active, articulate and responsive to stimuli! I'm just effin amazed. Its like the storyline just doesnt exist and you made it up as you went along and its unfolding in front of our eyes. Youre an inspiration. now i'll get back to my chores!

It's real, I swear! I can't think of the post, but we both posted about being authentic on here. You posted that you could have come up with a better story about yourself if you wanted attention. I replied that if I wanted attention, I wouldn't be praising my T so much.

I don't know how I'm doing what I'm doing. I feel almost like I'm just going with the flow. But really, I think it's stubbornness. When I'm doing okay, I'm peaceful, calm, no real concerns. When I'm depressed, I flail and cry like a baby. But when someone hurts me or tries to take away something important from me, or even hurts someone who is down, a fire is lit under my @ss somehow and I fight, basically, to the death to stand up for what I believe in. Too bad that fire doesn't stay lit forever

To people who don't know me, I come across as sweet, caring, and innocent. But I have multiple facets. My dad, when he was in my life, used to have me meet all his potential gf's. He knew people always feel comfortable with me and that they would open up. But just because I'm nice, doesn't mean I'm oblivious or can't form an opinion. So his potential gf's would open up to me and I would tell him what I learned. It also helps that I'm usually a good judge of character (though I failed with my T ).

For me, it always comes down to life or death. Do I keep going or do I give up. And being homeless taught me what my "bottom" looks like and I have no plans to go back there. That's why my dogs are so important. They're not just dogs to me. They're my angels. They give me a reason to fight. It's sad, but true, and everyone knows that I love my dogs more than any other human being. They are my life, they keep me alive. It's why we have multiple dogs too: so if one passes away, I already have a connection with another one which keeps me going.

Sorry, went off an a tangent. I know I can't prove what I write is true, but it is. I'm good at writing, but I suck at making up stories. But many people irl can't believe the things I've gone through. Or they are shocked to see how I'm able to function even though I clearly have BPD. I don't fit the norm with anything. I don't fit into any world. It jas it's pros and cons. But it's just who I am and what I've experienced. I can't change it.

Oh, and I have been oversleeping a little

Just to clarify: i meant you made it up as you went along in the sense of - there werent a set of instructions to follow. Everybody thinks they have advice, but its still like climbing Everest - just to stay on your feet is heroic.

my dogs mean the world to me too

Scarlet,
I've been thinking about how I care about you and admire you for real and also how, given who I am, what's being posted here, your's and other's posts, is a foreign country to me. I want to stay supportive to you and I think the best way for me to do this right now is to stick with giving you hugs and sending caring your way, but to not try to do more than that, simply because, like I said, what's actually happening is foreign to me. You wrote about an ex boyfriend who had Asperger's and how that didn't mesh so well with your needs. I have been diagnosed with that. While I don't think that diagnosis was accurate and my T agrees with me, we both agree that I'm probably somewhere on the mild end of the Autistic Spectrum.

This isn't about putting myself down. When I communicate with you I'm pulling from my insides the most honest and truest parts that are there and I feel you're doing the same and I value this all and you a lot. And I can't let myself think about the fact that other people read my posts but so be it.

Just to say that it's time to change the way I connect with you but I'm still here and I still care.

Rags

I understand Rags. Please do what's best for you. I have appreciated all your support.

I hope I haven't overwhelmed you. I apologize if I have.

As far as my ex-boyfriend, that was a romantic relationship. I have no romantic feelings for anyone, but my fiance. But I have had friendships with all different kinds of people: young to old, all races and ethnicities, all ranges of intelligence, disabilties, life experiences. You may or may not be on the austic spectrum, idk. But that doesn't change that I value not only your support and perceptions, but you as a person. The diversity in life is what makes life beautiful. You were drawn to my thread for a reason, and for whatever reason whether it is known or a mystery, I'm grateful.

Please know that I am here for you as well.



I just wanted to add that I understand thinking and feelings in a different capacity. People with BPD are more sensitve and more reactive to pain. But because of this, we see the world differently, just as you do. But there's value in that. To be stuck in my emotions is unhealthy. To have someone offer a different perspective is only beneficial even if I don't agree. I hope no one, including yourself, ever judges oneself for their differences. No one is perfect, but we all have value. Not everyone will like us, but many people do (so long as you allow those people in your life). Please know that the only judgment I have of you is that you're a kind, caring person who I'm thankful has entered my life especially when I desperately need it. Thank you Rags!

Hi Scarlet

I think this is really, really normal (and not a bad wish at all). I really wish Ts would be more cognizant of the pain they cause when they screw up like this too. It seems to be so widespread (though maybe we're just seeing a biased sample here), and some Ts just do not get it. It feels really unfair that the client has to bear so much pain when a T messes up, and the T really doesn't seem to suffer any consequences.

I almost wish there were "review boards" that had to approve T's terminating clients if they'd seen them for more then... oh I don't know, say 2 months? Long enough for attachment to form, anyway.

That way the review board could say, "OK... hang on one second there. Are you NUTS? This client needs you! You've promised them the world, you're their only support, you can't just disappear now. Now, if you want to talk about how to transition them to someone else, gently, over time... we can do that, but no, you can't just kick them out."

Oh, Ts. (*Guilloche shakes head sadly*).

You know, I read a really interesting blog post somewhere (forgive me if I mentioned it before)... the person had moved and needed a new pdoc, because they were running low on meds. She was very responsible and made sure to schedule an appointment in advance of running out, so she wouldn't need a prescription immediately and wouldn't look like she was "drug-seeking" (isn't it sad that people have to go through these mental gymnastics for medicines that they need?)

Anyway, she brought up her SI and was fairly open about it, and only too late realized the pdoc was freaking out, and not looking like he was willing to take her on. The point I found interesting was, she said that... when you deal with normal (non-T) people... they give you social cues as you're talking. You can see when someone is uncomfortable, and you can hold back a bit to smooth things over, especially with someone you don't know well yet. But, with Ts and p-docs, they're trained to not show reactions. (Which is torturous to me!). So, she didn't know it was a problem until it was too late.

What you wrote reminded me of that. You have a lot of self-awareness, you care about people, you try hard to not run over people's boundaries... if your T had a problem with you, and if she had let you know... you would have moved heaven and earth to fix it, if it was fixable. You had already bent over backwards to do what she asked you to do (to try to heal) - things like trying to talk instead of writing, including her in your crisis plan, going to the DBT group.

It's a very "not human" way for her to act.... and it still makes me mad on your behalf. You had talked about her modeling a "real" relationship for you. In real relationships, people don't just quit. People talk through problems, negotiate boundaries, figure things out.

So, again, I'm sorry... and again, I think it wasn't your fault.

And, from your next post (about your advocate mentioning having worked with your T before! ) hopefully you're starting to see that it REALLY wasn't YOUR fault.

I think the problem is that 1+1 does equal 2, but in your mind, there's a contradictory belief.

So, from my point of view, one (likely!) answer to"why" is because your T was not a good enough T. *She* failed (not your fault) because SHE wasn't enough, she didn't have the skills, she didn't have the internal health/strength/whatever to stand by you, she overestimated her abilities...

But, what happens if you hear that, but your brain still believes your T was perfect? Then, the equation doesn't make sense, because the answer seems impossible!

I hope that talking with the advocate helps put your mind at ease a little bit that maybe it truly wasn't anything you did wrong.

Although, seriously... your T had other complaints filed against her? Ohhhh man, you should see the wisps of smoke starting to float up from my head!

Anyway... I hope each day gets a little bit better. I'm still so impressed with how well you've gotten through this, despite all the pain and misery. Seriously. I feel like I really need to set a higher standard for my own behaviors now

*hugs*