My T Left Me...Part 2

I was just thinking and forgot to mention... Last night, we talked a little (very very little) about food and sex (two different topics ). I told her very little, but I told her more than I told my ex-T in 17months. That has to be a good sign right? After only 2 sessions?

You're right. Maybe the group dynamic will help balance everything. I'm terrified of the group....literally. She said it consists of 10-14 people And I thought I was doing good finally being able to talk in my current group which has 3 other people. (I need a DBT group to learn how to cope with a DBT group ) But it's different. I need something different. The traditional methods have helped, but I think I've outgrown them. But maybe group will give me a healthy distance with my T, to see her outside her office and interacting with others. And to watch how she does interact with others. That right there would show me how authentic she is. Maybe this is all growing pains?

I don't know what is going on with my fiance's job. I (yes I) am setting up an appointment with his boss for next week to get a new contract ironed out. Then I would have money to T shop. But DBT Ts are scarce. I'm already traveling 40miles to see this one and I'm paying out-of-pocket! But!!! I can contact the president of BPD Global. I have contacted her in the past both at BPD Global and when she worked at NAMI. BPD Global is for family/friends of people with BPD. Hmmm. Maybe I should go to their free monthly group now that I have my own transportation?

You know, sometimes for me bigger groups can be less threatening than super small ones because I have a feeling that overall I get less attention. What also helps me is to remind myself that a lot of people are similarly nervous and uncomfortable speaking in front of a group (nevermind spilling their innermost...).

Hugs

Well the good thing about their DBT group is that they don't do role playing. I HATE role playing!

Today is going to be a great day. It's already a good day, but my fiance is going to provide me with a little retail therapy It looks like he's keeping his job and the contract with the other company is still on! So I might even get to so T shopping

Omg i hate role playing too.

Yay! I'm so glad you're getting retail therapy and T shopping

I failed again

I'm exhausted. I'm physically and emotionally tired. The ER doctor even said I looked like I was on the verge of crying. I hurt so much. I want this pain to go away. As time goes on, I remember more promises my T broke and I feel more scared of my new T. I just...idk anymore.

((((( hugs)))))

You didn't fail!

You didn't fail. You just don't have strong coping mechanisms to replace it. Taking away a coping mechanism without replacing it leaves us vulnerable to the ones we're used to that we know work for us.

You're just trying to survive. ((hugs))

Thinking of you sweetie! A relapse is not a failure. You're trying so hard and you are very brave.

(((Scarlet)))

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Its okay Scarlet you can try again, always a second chance

I just want my T. She's supposed to be here. I technically have no professional support, least not in the way I need it. It's not fair. I'm tired of all of this I want my T back!

(((SP))) I know I've been quiet for several days. I've logged in a few times but haven't stayed online long enough to do write anything.

Sorry you needed stitches. Things are difficult to deal with sometimes. Now especially. With all that is going on, your "resilience" is way down, so it's hard, if not impossible, to stay strong. I've been doing that too, it comes out differently for me, but essentially it the same kind of situation.
It's not a failure.
I think of it as your brain trying to stop or re-direct your thoughts from one thing that you have no control over, to something that you do have control over. Not sure if that makes any sense or if that's even true for you. It's just how it works for me and I can only speak from my experience.

I'm sorry you have no support i can't imagine how hard it must be for you. Its completely understandable to want your T back. I would be tired of it too

(((Scarlet)))

This is the first time I looked at PC since Friday a.m.

I agree, you didn't fail at all. You're doing your best. Good for going to ER and getting it taken care of.

I don't think failure has anything to do with this. You're coping the best way you know right now with overwhelming feelings. When you are able to find other effective ways to do this you won't cut. You are no more or less of a failure than someone who doesn't feel the need to cut in the first place.

That's why you're in therapy, to ultimately discover how to not have that overwhelming urge. But right now you're working with what you have just like anyone else.

I'm sorry it's so hard.

I'm mad at myself for cutting, but I'm also happy I did. It did exactly what I needed it to do: gave me a feeling of release, made my pain tangible, and gave me a sense of control. It's better than SUI. And I'm glad I got stitched. I don't know if that will prevent me from future episodes, but it really disgusts me and I have no desire to touch it (i.e. I won't pick at it).

My fiance was really good to me last night. I told him I was struggling again and needed distraction. So he bought Monopoly for one of his consoles and we played it together for 4 hours.

You know, I tried to get away from gaming, but maybe I should pick it back up. Idk. I need more in my life...like desperately. The thing that makes it difficult is the agoraphobia and social anxiety. I don't want to go back to school yet to finish my degree. I don't need that pressure right now. But I need to do something enjoyable to take up my time.

It's also difficult because I don't have a professional to depend on. I have my new T, but I'm not comfortable with her. I still don't understand the boundaries while she's not a DBT T. Hell, I'm not sure on them when she will be my DBT T. It's confusing me. I haven't even told her about the cutting because I don't know if I'm supposed to or not.

I can't seem to start healing from my ex-T until I have a good connection with my new T. Every time I'm in distress, I want my ex-T, which just makes things worse. If I could reach out to my new T and feel safe, it might be different.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm exhausting my strength trying to use healthy coping skills. I guess that's why I relapsed. It may only provide temporary relief, but I'll take any relief right now.

I started taking my Ativan at night again. I think that will help me get through the nights better. But I can't take it during the day especially if I have appointments.

My heart (figuratively and literally) hurts. My body is still in constant pain. And now, my fiance and I are coming down with a cold. Yay for piling stressors!

And I'm feeling guilty for writing here now. I just feel like I'm letting people down or taking advantage of them. I wish all of the support I'm receiving would magically make me happy. It helps, but it's like a drug that keeps wearing off. I'm frustrated with myself. I want to be stronger. But I just feel lost.

(((Scarlet)))
Hang in there girl, you're doing good.
If gaming is something you enjoy and you think you can do it responsibly now I'd go for it. Set yourself time limits with it and make sure you go out and get plenty of fresh air. How about another trip to the beach? There's just something about the sea. I wish I didn't live so far from it...

Oh Scarlet, I find this quite disturbing. I know. That's my problem. You do what you need to to do. I'm think there has to be some better way. Happy because you cut?? I don't get it at all.

No need to explain.

(((Scarlet))) I'm sorry things have been rough again. I think it's really a process, with lots of ups-and-downs (unfortunately). I wish emotional stuff could be linear, where we just get a little bit better every second of the day until everything is totally healed up. If only, right?

You're not letting anyone down. I'm glad you're ok though, and that you were able to get stitches for your cut. Are you going to be able to talk to the new-T this week about boundaries, maybe? I'm just thinking, if you can get it ironed out with her, that may help to at least explicitly know what her expectations are, and how available she'll be outside sessions?

Since she works with DBT, I'd be *shocked* if she were shocked about your SI. You might want to gently bring it up, and tell her that you're confused about the expectations, whether you should tell her right away, in session, not at all, or what.

Have you looked at any of the free classes online? The big ones that have tons of people in them sharing forums for questions and what not? I'm not sure if you're up for it, but it might give you something to do that would help you prepare (and feel more confident) for when you go back to school, but with a whole lot less pressure (you can just watch the videos and not participate if you want to, since they're not for a grade).

I've done a couple through http://coursera.org/ but not sure if there's anything there you'd like. I'm sure there are other places that are similar... Just a thought.

*hang in there*

I can try to explain. I'm not saying it's rational. Words can't describe the pain I'm in. Sometimes I can be distracted, sometimes I can cope through it. But as soon as the external stimuli stops, the pain is full strength. I'm wearing myself out. It doesn't matter where I'm at: home, hospital, crisis house...the pain will still be there.

Hospital should be and is a last resort. It's actually shown to be the worst place for people with BPD. That's why the hospital released me. I told them I did it. They didn't even do a psych eval. Why? Because I already have every resource that this city can provide. And the issue isn't resources...it's my ex-T abandoning me. There isn't anymore anyone can do to help me. I must just go through this process and survive however I can.

Pdoc can't help anymore with meds. I'm on the right meds and the right dosage. We know this because I'm stable when not in a crisis. New T can't help. I don't even really know what I'm doing there. Group can't help. Advocate is doing everything she can. Crisis house counselor is supporting me as much as she can, but it's no safer there then at home. Crisis Line makes me worse. Warm Li e can't help. My fiance is supportive, my family is supportive, you all are supportive.

I'm using my coping skills as best as I can. I'm med compliant, seeing my doctors, going to all my appointments, trying to only sleep at night, glass painting, playing with dogs, cleaning the house, organizing photos, going shopping by myself, went to the beach which was difficult, watching TV, keeping up my hygine...

I'm trying my best here. Are there more things I can do? Yep. But not in the state I'm in.

My number 1 symptom is fear of abandonment. It's severe. I have been abandoned (literal not perceived) many times. So my ex-T abandoning me is like sticking someone with a phobia of snakes into a snake pit full of cobras. Yeah, the example sucks, but I hope you get the picture.

Tuesday will be 4 weeks w/o my T. I'm still alive. I have 2 cuts, been to the hospital 3 times, but I'm still here. This is the second worst time in my life with the first being abandoned by my family and church to a homeless shelter at 18.

My point: I'm surviving the best I know how to in a horrible situation. Maybe others would have and easier time? Maybe they could cope better? Maybe worse? Idk. But at least I haven't given up yet.

Oh. I'm happy because the wound has helped minimize my pain with my ex-T. I'm concentrating more on the cut than on her. I'm getting an emotional break I so desperately needed and wanted.

I hope that makes a little sense?

Btw, please know I'm in no way offended or upset with your post. I'm just trying to explain from my perspective.

Cool. I'll check that out. Ty! Never heard of it.

There has been one class I really want to take and that's stained glass. I've just been too chicken to sign up.

SI is a pretty common target behavior for DBT Ts. When I showed my T mine when I first got in (didn't need stitches but I had a lot of shallow ones), he didn't seem flustered. It became the primary target behavior to work on and that's where we went from there. I've never been shamed, judged, or treated harshly because of it. In fact, my DBT T was the first to recognize that I was just trying to cope and managed to reassure my family and friends that it wasn't cause to put me IP.

I'm not worried about how new T reacts. I already got the sad and disappointed reaction from my mom and step-dad, and the worried reaction from my fiance. I doubt anyone would express anger (well maybe other members of my family, but I don't tell them). I just don't know if I was supposed to tell her already? She said she's NOT available 24/7 atm since she's not my "DBT" T yet. So it's not like there was an expectation for me to reach out to her beforehand. I'm just lost with her. The more I think about it, the less I feel connected to her. I'm hoping?/going to try to get her to allow me to process ex-T. I desperately need that. And that should hopefully help me develop a connection. If not, then I don't think this is going to work. But I'm not sure I can handle that right now.

I mentioned touch in a previous reply, but I didn't feel like talking about it...

So my T walked me to the elevator. She put her hand on my back. It felt okay. I don't know why I decided to ask so early, but I asked for a hug. It was horrible. It felt so wrong. Almost like I was violated. That worries me a lot. Either it was way to early and I was stupid to ask (I was), or there is no connection to her. I always judge a relationship based on how I feel when they touch me. If I'm comfortable, it means they're safe.

BUT...maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I can avoid attachment and transference with this T. Again, I just am lost.