[rainbow8]

I saw T after missing two weeks. When I talked about the parts needing stuff from her, she said it's not about her. It's about what they missed from my parents. She be kept saying it's not about anger towards her, but the parts are reacting to the past because she wasn't there in my past. I said the part is angry with her.

She said she is doing this out of love for me, that she wants me to get better, and I'm the only one there for me 24 hrs. a day. I heard her but inside I was dying.

She said when I leave, don't send me an angry email. Try to go on with my life and leave therapy for the session. I asked if I can email a non angry email, and she said to write about the present, things in my life, not about her.

I'm crying in my car! She held my hand at the end while she told me she is doing this for me. I didn't even get a chance to ask anything about her. What happened to our relationship? I know she's right but I can't just stop thinking about her so easily! What should I do? I told her maybe I should quit and she said I could, but it wouldn't be such a good idea, in her opinion.

She says she is NOT rejecting me or my parts, and wanted me to understand that. She's trying to get me to be there for them, not her. She's been trying for 7 years. I know I decided I want to heal, and adult agrees it's not about her. I know it's about my life. But I feel terrible now. Hugs would be nice for those child parts.

Rainbow, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I do know how you are feeling & it 'feels' cruel & unfair. I know that you are feeling rejected & I know how much you must be hurting. The relationship is still there. It's just your T is doing the 'good parent' thing. She's supporting you & is kinda doing the 'tough love' thing. She is still there for you & go back next week & tell her just how hurt you are feeling. Something good WILL come out of this. It WILL make you stronger. Hang in there Hun.

oh Rainbow, this sounds so hard and unnecessary. I can see why your t wants you to look after yourself, we all have to learn that however hard it may be. I am wondering about your t and her counter transference, I wonder how she is usually with clients who depend on her and need her, maybe she unconsciously pushes you away. I don't know if this makes sense to you but it's just what I think is happening. I can really understand how the child parts are upset and maybe a little heartbroken, truth is too painful sometimes

[ScarletPimpernel]

I know it's hard. But it's time for the child parts to grow up. You had 7 years! Most don't get that. You're going through growing pains. Like my T tells me: it's okay to cry. It's okay to miss whatever it is you're missing. Therapy is about growth and progress. If you stay stuck, your T isn't doing her job.

I'm going through a little bit of growing pains myself. Seeing my T only once every 4 weeks is so hard. I've been crying, missing her, having panic attacks. But she's still there. She's doing her job.

[DodgersMom]

*hugs to you*

[SoupDragon]

I'm sorry it is hurting for you so much right now. Not sure if this analogy is helpful?.But sometimes I think of it as being without a leg. I can feel really sad about it and benefit from leaning on someone to help me walk and comfort me. But real freedom comes from learning to use crutches. I know the leg is still missing and can still feel sad about it, but I can also use those crutches to be independent and free.

Big hugs to you.

[rainbow8]

I didn't email T until I got home from my trip. I wrote about my family and caught her up on things. I didn't even have time to talk about any of that today. I know it's my choice what to talk about, but she didn't even ask me anything about what I had written.

That's the hard part for me. I still treat her like a friend. I want to share everything going on in my life. I do have other friends but it could be because my mother was the only one interested in all the details. I feel sad that T is not really interested except when I tell her. She said in an email that I asked good questions and we would talk about then in the session, but the hour goes by too fast!

She told me I'm an adult and my parts don't have to run the show anymore. If the child wants hugs, I can get them from other people, if I want to be held, I can get a massage or something like that, or actively seek out a partner. She gave me the blanket in the session again, to soothe me, but I was hot and it didn't help.

She did hug me, as usual. She's doing her job, I know. But it's so, so painful for me. She's not leaving, she said. She's there. So why doesn't that make me feel any better?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by JoBo

Rainbow, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I do know how you are feeling & it 'feels' cruel & unfair. I know that you are feeling rejected & I know how much you must be hurting. The relationship is still there. It's just your T is doing the 'good parent' thing. She's supporting you & is kinda doing the 'tough love' thing. She is still there for you & go back next week & tell her just how hurt you are feeling. Something good WILL come out of this. It WILL make you stronger. Hang in there Hun.

JoBo, thank you. I decided on my own, thanks to the attachment article that was posted in someone's thread, that I have to heal, and stop trying to get what I can't get from my T. I've made this decision before but I never stick to it. Or maybe my T knows I am ready now. Even though I want to heal, those child parts fight for what they want.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

oh Rainbow, this sounds so hard and unnecessary. I can see why your t wants you to look after yourself, we all have to learn that however hard it may be. I am wondering about your t and her counter transference, I wonder how she is usually with clients who depend on her and need her, maybe she unconsciously pushes you away. I don't know if this makes sense to you but it's just what I think is happening. I can really understand how the child parts are upset and maybe a little heartbroken, truth is too painful sometimes

Thanks, mona. I don't think my T is pushing​ me away. She is just trying to help me grow up and help those child parts too.Yes, it's very painful even though I know it's not about T.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I know it's hard. But it's time for the child parts to grow up. You had 7 years! Most don't get that. You're going through growing pains. Like my T tells me: it's okay to cry. It's okay to miss whatever it is you're missing. Therapy is about growth and progress. If you stay stuck, your T isn't doing her job.

I'm going through a little bit of growing pains myself. Seeing my T only once every 4 weeks is so hard. I've been crying, missing her, having panic attacks. But she's still there. She's doing her job.

I admire you. When my last T and I went to monthly, I couldn't handle it. I quit and found my current T so I could repeat my pattern even though I stated otherwise. It might be harder because of those 7 years.

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

*hugs to you*

Thank you.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I'm sorry it is hurting for you so much right now. Not sure if this analogy is helpful?.But sometimes I think of it as being without a leg. I can feel really sad about it and benefit from leaning on someone to help me walk and comfort me. But real freedom comes from learning to use crutches. I know the leg is still missing and can still feel sad about it, but I can also use those crutches to be independent and free.

Big hugs to you.

Thank you, Soup. I will try to think of it that way.

[rainbow8]

I hate this attachment problem!!!

[rainbow8]

Today T had 4 candles lit. For 7 years there has been one or none. I asked why so many. She said because she likes candles. That makes me angry too! If she likes candles, why now! I think it's because there was someone new before me. A new client, I suppose. Anyway, I' m angry with T but the child parts love her. I don't know how she's going to help me heal. I'm curious.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't know how she's going to help me heal. I'm curious.

Hi Rainbow. Heal from what? The loss of your mother? If so, then doesn't that seem like a more helpful topic to focus on?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Hi Rainbow. Heal from what? The loss of your mother? If so, then doesn't that seem like a more helpful topic to focus on?

Every T I've seen has told me I missed something as an infant or child. It's from the past. It's early attachment stuff I have to heal from. I agree it's related to the loss of my mother too, but the way react has to be from very early ages.

[JaneTennison1]

Your child parts have been indulged for many years and I wonder if this has helped or hurt? I'm hoping that this T can help you move past the problems into a great place of healing but I also wonder if a fresh perspective might help. NOT to get rid of this T but maybe just check in with someone else.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I hate this attachment problem!!!

Me, too...struggling with it right now with MC and ready to try to find some way to break it...I asked via e-mail yesterday if we could spend a few sessions (H is OK with it) really focusing on the transference/attachment instead of just doing it piecemeal, in the hopes of really figuring it out and getting through it. He responded today that we can do that, but he couldn't say that we'd get through it in 3 sessions, that it might take more time than that. How the time between sessions processing is really important, too. But overall that it takes time.

So maybe you're trying to do too much too quickly? Maybe try not to push so much?

Save
Save

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I know it's hard. But it's time for the child parts to grow up. You had 7 years! Most don't get that. You're going through growing pains. Like my T tells me: it's okay to cry. It's okay to miss whatever it is you're missing. Therapy is about growth and progress. If you stay stuck, your T isn't doing her job.

I'm going through a little bit of growing pains myself. Seeing my T only once every 4 weeks is so hard. I've been crying, missing her, having panic attacks. But she's still there. She's doing her job.

i agree with this... i am going thru something similar in my therapy... and i am also at 7 years with this T. pretty much the same situation, my T is pushing me to grow and thrive. i will admit ive been stuck and almost slipping backwards. thats not to say that it's been easy and does not HURT LIKE HELL sometimes. but when i step back from those needy young parts within me, and get in my adult mode- i can see why this is good and necessary at this time. i can see the progress i am making even thru the pain. i am making more friends and doing new things. and i think the pain will lessen. this is just what's going on in my therapy, im not trying to say anything about yours. just sharing my experience

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I saw T after missing two weeks. When I talked about the parts needing stuff from her, she said it's not about her. It's about what they missed from my parents. She be kept saying it's not about anger towards her, but the parts are reacting to the past because she wasn't there in my past. I said the part is angry with her.

She said she is doing this out of love for me, that she wants me to get better, and I'm the only one there for me 24 hrs. a day. I heard her but inside I was dying.

She said when I leave, don't send me an angry email. Try to go on with my life and leave therapy for the session. I asked if I can email a non angry email, and she said to write about the present, things in my life, not about her.

I'm crying in my car! She held my hand at the end while she told me she is doing this for me. I didn't even get a chance to ask anything about her. What happened to our relationship? I know she's right but I can't just stop thinking about her so easily! What should I do? I told her maybe I should quit and she said I could, but it wouldn't be such a good idea, in her opinion.

She says she is NOT rejecting me or my parts, and wanted me to understand that. She's trying to get me to be there for them, not her. She's been trying for 7 years. I know I decided I want to heal, and adult agrees it's not about her. I know it's about my life. But I feel terrible now. Hugs would be nice for those child parts.

It sounds really tough! I hope these feelings lessen over time. I will say that you are fortunate that your therapist says that she does what she does out of love for you, I can't get my therapist to say that she likes me.. she expects me to feel it.. ugh! Sometimes they take this "where in your body do you feel this?" stuff too far.. anyways, I hope it gets easier for you. : )

[Elio]

Hi Rainbow, I'm so sorry that this seems to be the path needed to get you where you are hoping to go. It seems very painful. I admire your courage to try something different and to stick with it when everything inside is screaming to do something else.

Have you and your T done any work around finding out how to comfort the different parts and how to have the "I"/Adult listen/mediate between the needs of the different parts? Or are you trying to just will power or tough love them into silence?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Your child parts have been indulged for many years and I wonder if this has helped or hurt? I'm hoping that this T can help you move past the problems into a great place of healing but I also wonder if a fresh perspective might help. NOT to get rid of this T but maybe just check in with someone else.

Thanks but I have seen 5 Ts and this one is the only T who worked directly with the attachment issue. My child parts haven't been indulged, just accepted by my T. After all of my therapy, there's no way I'd want to get another perspective. My current​ T WAS my new perspective.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Me, too...struggling with it right now with MC and ready to try to find some way to break it...I asked via e-mail yesterday if we could spend a few sessions (H is OK with it) really focusing on the transference/attachment instead of just doing it piecemeal, in the hopes of really figuring it out and getting through it. He responded today that we can do that, but he couldn't say that we'd get through it in 3 sessions, that it might take more time than that. How the time between sessions processing is really important, too. But overall that it takes time.

So maybe you're trying to do too much too quickly? Maybe try not to push so much?

Save
Save

I know you and I have a lot in common. Am I really doing things too quickly? I've seen T for 7 years. I've never tried hard enough to have my adult Self run the show. I've let the child parts take over much of the time. So I'm confused. I don't know if I'm pushing too much or not
enough.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

i agree with this... i am going thru something similar in my therapy... and i am at 7 years with this T. pretty much the same situation, my T is pushing me to grow and thrive. i will admit ive been stuck and almost slipping backwards. thats not to say that it's been easy and does not HURT LIKE HELL sometimes. but when i step back from those needy young parts within me, and get in my adult mode- i can see why this is good and necessary at this time. i can see the progress i am making even thru the pain. i am making more friends and doing new things. and i think the pain will lessen. this is just what's going on in my therapy, im not trying to say anything about yours. just sharing my experience

I'm glad you're​ making progress, junkDNA. That's nice to hear. I know I am too, if only those parts of me could accept that T is not the answer. I know it but when I am in my session and right afterwards I get stirred up. I have a lot going on in my life but something is missing. Maybe if I had a partner again but I'm not sure I want that. I don't know what I want.

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

It sounds really tough! I hope these feelings lessen over time. I will say that you are fortunate that your therapist says that she does what she does out of love for you, I can't get my therapist to say that she likes me.. she expects me to feel it.. ugh! Sometimes they take this "where in your body do you feel this?" stuff too far.. anyways, I hope it gets easier for you. : )

Thanks, 1step. I'm sorry your T won't say she likes you. DO you feel like she does? I want to work through it with my T once and for all. Yes it hurts a lot!!!

Originally Posted by Elio

Hi Rainbow, I'm so sorry that this seems to be the path needed to get you where you are hoping to go. It seems very painful. I admire your courage to try something different and to stick with it when everything inside is screaming to do something else.

Have you and your T done any work around finding out how to comfort the different parts and how to have the "I"/Adult listen/mediate between the needs of the different parts? Or are you trying to just will power or tough love them into silence?

No, silence isn't the answer. T has many times had me try to comfort my parts in different ways through different kinds of visualizations. She wants ME, my SELF, to ask the part what she needs from me. My stock answer was "but she wants it from YOU." She used SE and IFS with me. She had circles with my "tribe". She now is trying to have me get comfort from a blanket. She suggested massage​ or finding a partner to hold me. Is that what you mean, or something else?

[Elio]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She wants ME, my SELF, to ask the part what she needs from me. My stock answer was "but she wants it from YOU." She used SE and IFS with me. She had circles with my "tribe". She now is trying to have me get comfort from a blanket. She suggested massage​ or finding a partner to hold me. Is that what you mean, or something else?

Have you defined what the "it" is? It sounds like the "it" is to be held. Is it ever anything else? Like maybe the "it" is ice cream because of feeling sad.

Can you run a circle with your tribe? Or is that part of the "it" you want from her? Have you practiced running her circle or her imaginary circle?

The circles sound like what I was starting to do with things before T's vacation.

And I'm sorry if I am asking things previously shared or tried.

I started another thread because of this one and because of LT's stuff. It made me wonder how are we similar and different in what we've done with our child parts prior to therapy, what interventions were used, what worked, and what it looks like now for people.

[Elio]

Oh, and here in my city, there is a group of people that do cuddle time. Strict rules around things so that it is clear this is not sexual in nature. Intimate yes, sex no. There are lots of use of explicit consent for each action.

I don't attend because being held is not usually one of my big needs unless I am feeling exceptionally fragile.

I can complete understand why a group like this might not work for you. When I do want to be held by T, it is more about us than just being held. However, over time, it might be possible to meet someone in the group that you click with in just the right way.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Elio

Oh, and here in my city, there is a group of people that do cuddle time. Strict rules around things so that it is clear this is not sexual in nature. Intimate yes, sex no. There are lots of use of explicit consent for each action.

I don't attend because being held is not usually one of my big needs unless I am feeling exceptionally fragile.

I can complete understand why a group like this might not work for you. When I do want to be held by T, it is more about us than just being held. However, over time, it might be possible to meet someone in the group that you click with in just the right way.

I don't think that would work for me, but it's a good idea. Thank you.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Elio

Have you defined what the "it" is? It sounds like the "it" is to be held. Is it ever anything else? Like maybe the "it" is ice cream because of feeling sad.

Can you run a circle with your tribe? Or is that part of the "it" you want from her? Have you practiced running her circle or her imaginary circle?

The circles sound like what I was starting to do with things before T's vacation.

And I'm sorry if I am asking things previously shared or tried.

I started another thread because of this one and because of LT's stuff. It made me wonder how are we similar and different in what we've done with our child parts prior to therapy, what interventions were used, what worked, and what it looks like now for people.

I don't think the "it" is just​ about being held. It's about unconditional love, attention, and safety from a mother, I assume. T has been there for me like that, but she's not my mother and I'm an adult now. I didn't respond to your post in my other thread, but I could identify with your experience with the toy cars, I think it was. Sometimes I would get that "this is it" feeling with my T too. A perfect bonding moment, or something like that. It felt like if only I could hold onto that moment forever! I've felt that sometimes in real life too but not often.

What does running a circle with your tribe mean? What does your T mean by tribe? Maybe it's different from what my T means. Mine means people I can count on and feel safe with.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

What does running a circle with your tribe mean? What does your T mean by tribe? Maybe it's different from what my T means. Mine means people I can count on and feel safe with.

Ah, that is not how I took the statement, thank you for clarifying.

I thought your T had been working with you to bring forth the different parts to let them have voice - and the different parts were the tribe and running the circle would be purposely and periodically, just checking in with each of them to see what they are up to and how they are feeling - rather than waiting until one feels the need to take control because of a need to feel safe and protected.

I think this is the way it is going to play out for me, it seemed to be the way I was headed at least.

[Elio]

Your repeated statement of your T not being your mother and you being an adult now, gives me the impression that you still haven't internalized those items.

I don't know, the thought that as infants and children grow and internalize these feelings they naturally want to and strive to explore further and further away only to periodically return to the safety of their care giver.

And another thought, is that my mother did not cease to exist or cease to be my mother just because I became an adult. Our relationship just changed. In the transference world, perhaps that is similar to how the relationship changes as the transference is worked through and the T starts to be seen as a T and not the transference object.

I don't know, I feel like I have something here, not sure if it is for you or me .. or even useful. Let me know if you want this deleted if it rubs you funny. It is posted with the hopes to help.