In Session Today: Part IV

Really good session today. We talked about transference, something that I know can be a tricky topic and I was incredibly nervous but she was really good. She was ok with my feelings and almost seemed pleased that I was comfortable enough to bring it up. We also discussed the future and how I wanted to find my place in the world. I left feeling like she really cares about me and like things really are going to be ok.

So sorry about the cold issue , RR. It helps show why you feel unwelcome by your T, but I agree she is probably germ-averse with everyone. I adore my nieces, but I can get kind of phobic if they both have colds , though the difference is I suck it up lol, and dont let it show for fear of hurting their feelings. The reason I think it helps show why you might feel unwelcome, is that most people have a warmer and friendlier response to such things, and can grasp / empathize with someone whose feelings are hurt by being left out due to illness. She sounds a little self-absorbed or a little chilly, but I dont think it is bc you are a second class client; could it be many/ most people feel that way around her?

My T comes to session with a cold somewhat often; he has little kids and allergies. He is allergic to dogs, and I live with several coated dogs so I try to be really, really careful about my clothing. If I have a cold, I definitely still go to my session and to work. Like mentioned above, my T doesn't touch clients ever, so I dont see it as very risky either way. We commiserate about colds I guess.

Today was only my third session with my T, and I'm slowly starting to open up to her more. She is so much more empathetic and caring than any other T I've seen! Today we talked about my relationship with my mother and how she was emotionally neglectful, as well as expressing my feelings and some emotionally abusive relationships I've been in. It was hard during the session, but T likes to end on a good note, so she showed me some pictures of her cat and offered me some advice for how to make a bad day better.

She is not warm with regard to exposing herself to cold virus, but I brought it on myself by asking to begin with. At least now I know where things stand.

It's a large office space and there is never any touching. All I touch inside her office are the pillows to get them out of the way.

On the plus side—and it is a big plus—phone sessions work out just fine. We covered a lot of ground, maybe even more than being there in person. It was very natural and easy.

rr -- Blondie's said it's fine if I come in sick as long as I was able to come in (and if she was sick, the same).

However, that's just her general policy and not just with respect to me.

I know all too well the feeling that there are different standards applied to different folks -- like I still (very pettily) can't get over Blondie spending the time / energy to learn about my frickin' country's culture a whole year plus after I started with her just because she got a new client from the same godforsaken place and despite having exhibited the most astounding levels of ignorance whenever I'd tried (and finally given up) talking to her about it in all this while.

But, she just doesn't see it -- we've gone round and round about it but she just gets mad at me that I don't appreciate all the other stuff she's done for me (which I suppose is true).

Not sure if this helps you feel better or not but just thought I'd throw it in there that I'm totally on the ship of feeling like I am a second-class citizen when it comes to therapy.

Thanks AY, that totally helps. I would absolutely be all over my therapist if she waited more than a year to do some learnin' about my background, and then only because another client showed up. No way could I let that go. Even with the cold thing, my therapist said she would do the same with her friends and family (not sure about the last part, but I appreciate the effort to show that we would all be equally rejected).

I have to say that it helps to just put it all out there and go back and forth about it. Every now and then, as we talked about other things during the phone session, I would add that I was still not over being hurt from the cold issue and she would mumble something about how she was hoping it had reduced some.

I wonder if you are like me in that you have to fight your way to a resolution or understanding? Like, my therapist seems to regret ever doing things that end up making me angry and I'm all no no no...let's keep going, I think I'm getting somewhere, getting to something I need to understand. That happened just now, in fact. It's like I have to hear myself wailing, hear the anger and then figure it out. I just need someone to withstand it on the other side, and for all my complaints lately, my therapist does do that.

Yes, exactly -- withstand it is it.

And, also in my case, I think I get obsessed with wanting to know why they said / did whatever it was that bothered me -- it's different here with your therapist because she already said that she'd do the same with other folks as well and so, there was nothing much else to parse out.

Being able to honestly talk about this would matter a million times more than any apology or even a change in behavior (which Blondie seems to be keen on).

But, not getting that kinda short-circuits the process of resolution for me.

I told T that I loved him, I tried to crawl away and hide out of intense shame. He handled it amazingly well, he hugged me longer than usual at the end, and promised he is not changing everything.

Such a weird but amazing feeling to be able to say that word to someone and they don't freak out. I'm scared and uncomfortable but hopefully he keeps me feeling normal about it and I am able to accept these feelings.

We had a nice walk too, was beautiful out. I got to wear shoes and not boots! AHHH

That was really brave of you DP, I'm so glad he handled it appropriately and I'm also glad you posted, as I was wondering how it went.

Dr C used to use the word "story" and finally after YEARS (LOL), I told her I don't like the word because it carries a "It's a fictional story" connotation. I told her I prefer the word "narrative". She switched to the word "narrative".

Does that feel like a guilt trip, or is it to silence you saying you feel like a low priority?

I was really nervous about having a Skype session with him due to weather. I haven't used Skype much before.
I was worried it would make me feel bad, like a phone session we had once did.
I started by telling him how nervous I was, and how I was worried about feeling worse after. We had a bit of silence and I think I was trying to gauge whether I felt connected to him which was tricky at first.
I asked him if he was better (as he was ill last week) he said yes, but that it had gotten worse before it got better, and that he had had a high temperature. I said thst I hadn't got it when I hugged him and he said good.
I asked him if he felt he knew what was different about the last 10 minutes of last week to make us more connected. He said there was a subtle shift in him and he felt more open to me; he hadn't been aware of not being open to me prior to that, but said he's sure he mustn't have been. I said I am annoyingly sensitive to those shifts in him. He said it is not annoying, but it is challenging sometimes. I said I'm not sure if anything shifted in me because I'm not as aware of what's going on for me internally as he is. He said he experiences me as very focused on what's going on for him, and less focused on myself. I said it feels like I need to be assured of his attunement for me to feel okay. (We said this was quite a young feeling).
I talked to him about the hug from last week. I said it felt like a risk to say "I love you" while we were hugging. He asked how it felt after the fact. I hesitated and said "so...damn...good". I said there was some guilt attached to that and a judging voice saying "is this therapeutic? Are you losing sight of therapeutic purpose?" And an other voice saying "shut up". He asked me whether that voice had an answer to the question. I said the only answer I have is "how would I know?".
He said it seems like it isn't as binary as all that. He said the question is valid and we shouldn't lose sight of the question but the judging probably isn't helpful.
During the call my mobile rang several times, my doorbell went, my house phone rang and the screen froze a few times, but somehow, somehow I still felt connection and love and I told him that. He said it feels the same in some ways as he is focusing his attention on my eyes, like he would in session but different too because it probably doesn't look that way to me. I said I had been searching in my mind to see whether I could feel his presence, and I did. In the last couple of minutes we said we were glad it had worked and I confirmed I wouldn't need an extra face to face session. It felt weird ending because I had to say goodbye and press a button which felt really different, but it was okay. The session ended with impressive precision on 1h 9 seconds.

Honestly, dunno.

She has made significant shifts for me — so I let it go (as best as I can, at any rate).

AY, your comment just hit me hard. Will we ever know if people can do things for us without having to also let them hurt us in exchange?

Wow...it didn’t occur to me that it’s pretty much what I said until you pointed it out.

Yes, she's made significant shifts for you...that I believe you didn't ask for (like the bell towards the end of session and your solution was to leave early iirc, but she just rearranged her schedule or something).

But when you do ask for something, she can't comply or even give a reasonable reason for why she can't comply? But will do it for someone else?

She's relying on being passive-aggressive and on your good nature to get herself off the hook.

Speaking generally here, if therapists are supposed to reparent us, how do we know we're not going to get another unsatisfactory parent, just unsatisfactory in a different way?

(That last is probably a spillover from my session yesterday, when Info breezily announced that she did therapy by building relationships. If that's the case, I don't find her very good at it. Then she got offended when I told her I couldn't tell if she cared, as opposed to other therapists I've seen. She then informed me she liked all her clients. And no other client has ever given her the feedback that they can't tell if she cares. At that point I just gave up.)

You remember correctly.

No, the problem isn’t that she won’t comply when I point it out — E.g. I’m pretty sure if I dump a bunch of stuff on her to read up about the motherland, she will totally go ahead and do it and then essentially say, “See? I did it for you too”.

But, I find that rather pointless — what bothers me is why she hadn’t done it in the first place for me but instamatically thought of doing it for another client. So, her answer to that has been that she does different things for different people but that doesn’t really answer my question.

But, back to your main point — I think it’s pretty much impossible that any sort of reparenting won’t be flawed. I think for me, stuff seems so bizarrely screwed up with the family that Blondie with all her issues seems I dunno, supremely normal in comparison? I might well change my mind about that at some point but I’m still not sure I’ll ever change my mind about my bio family, if that makes sense?

It’s sadly hilarious that Info got mad about being told it’s hard to read if she cares. (I think she does, fwiw.) I’m not sure why she’d get so worked up about it unless her personal self image was somehow wrapped up in it?

I could be wrong, but is it possible that once the second client appeared on the scene, Blondie was confronted with her ignorance and could no longer skirt it? Maybe the other client did or said something that caused her to realize she was lacking in this department, that it took a second occurence for her to not shrug this off? So, if you had been the second client where she became aware of missing the mark, she would have done so when you showed up instead of the first one? I realize this is a poor excuse if that's the case, but it takes it out of the arena of being about your value or worth to her. It's more about her being boneheaded and needing that extra push.

So yesterday:

I told him about the sexual fantasy that involved him telling me how worthless and bad I was. Which was linked to not wanting sex for pleasure, but to hurt myself with as I haven't been self harming for the past month and a half.

I told him that I'd also found his practice's earnings online. I wanted him to blow up and tell me that I'd crossed the line but he didn't, he put it down to "exploring" and said that he had a feeling I'd seen that. I feel like I don't deserve him.

I told him that I hated it when he was kind to me and began to cry when he talked about me needing somebody to fight with. He covered his eyes with his hand when I first started to crying because he knows I don't like being seen, usually he does turn away but that was the first time that he did that.

He told me he wasn't an an expert in fantasys, but also thought the fact that I could dissociate in the act was significant. Next session on friday just after psychology lecture.

I was wondering the same thing as well.

I was thinking more along the same lines as this. Sometimes we need to come across something twice before we notice it or want to take notice of it or do anything about it. Perhaps when the 2nd client came along it shook her up and made her think more about needing to/wanting to find out more. I can totally see why this would be hurtful but it is worth considering that it wasn't about her placing a higher priority on the other client at all.

(Written to T)
So, this was an enlightening session. I didn't get it when before I left, you said, "sitting in your room like a teenager." It was like I heard you say it but it took me until I was on the ground floor to process it and this was my reaction: Huh?

It was interesting when I was telling you about the dynamic with the person at work and you said this was important. I agree. When i arrived at your office, I felt relieved because the truth was finally evident to me. It makes me feel less like I have no idea what is going on, and more like, I have gotten it all along but just didn't know it. The defense mechanism made perfect sense. I feel like I am free from this entanglement. Not sure if I am, but am hoping.

Last week, I confronted said person of something she implicitly stated in passing. I asked her a question as to what she meant, and she at first was silent, and at that point, I forcefully asked her a few pointed questions. After a few questions that she tried to not answer, she just said, I don't know what you are talking about. She was upset, understandably, at me for something I did and hinted that she was upset but refused to admit her anger. Could it be me? YEs. But I don't think so. I've seen her do the same thing to other people. I've seen her talk about people, and then act like she loves them. I'm not demonizing her, however, nor am I going to continue in that unhealthy dynamic. This is the first time that I have been able to validate myself and not question my validation if myself. When I figured this out, it was physically a complete relief.

My group T once said that it wasn't a therapist's job to reparent, but to help the client find that part within and help them reparent themselves. I hated hearing it because it made me feel even lonelier. But I think she's right.

Today's session was indescribable......

I came in a bit of a mess because of what took place this morning that basically involved some sort of very angry part raging when I tried to add some color to my hair for fun (it flipped out on me about how I"m pretending, how I'm just doing the color to make my physical appearance change to 'prove I have parts') before I knew it I was in the shower washing it out very aggressively (no lost time, mind you, just...it was really a strange experience...it was a compulsion so great I couldn't resist it).

When I'd told C about this (while cowering behind my hands because part of me wanted to tell him but MOST of the parts were terrified...the fear this angry part left in its wake is like a fungus...), at first C seemed really connected... I felt encouraged. I began talking about my fear of screwing up my daughter...about how this violent part has popped out before around her, including recently when she was being very whiney -- I was ENTIRELY FINE, guys not even annoyed at all, but suddenly my mouth opens and I say to my husband "I swear if she doesn't stop, I'm about to lose my s*** on her." ?!?! wtf?! I said to C "It made NO SENSE?! Where is that coming from?! I was totally fine! That wasn't even how I felt!"

Well, then he made this...statement...at this point, guys, my memory is VERY unclear as the words are twisted in my head, so I am not 100% sure I'm getting this totally right:

"TMC, I don't think DID is your problem. I don't think multiple personalities are your problem. I don't think parts are your problem. Your problem is intrusive obsessive thoughts." (What I can't recall is if he said "TMC, I don't think you have DID") ALL I hear from this was "TMC, you don't have parts." and in that moment, literally every connection just snapped....I was ready to leave and never come back. In that moment, I felt he had played me for a fool -- led me on so I'd talk about this openly and was now saying "tmc, after observing how far into this dillusion you're willing to go...here's my REAL conclusion..."

Absolute. knife slash across my stomach moment.... that. was. it. like a bomb exploded in my head and the world ended again.

GSD snapped up front: I said "Let me just stop and clarify: I do not have DID. I never claimed to have DID. I know that I do not have DID." To which C said "I do not think you have DID."

Me: "Neither do I."

C: "So we're on the same page."

Me: "But, do you believe I have parts?"

C: "I believe parts are a universal experience"

......guys, right back to the same *******ed place......

I threw up my hands and said "just never mind. nevermind."

him after a pause: "Well that did not go well."

it is impossible for me to even try to piece together the full conversation, but eventually he literally said to me "I need you to listen to me. I don't just think the parts aren't a problem, I think they are a good thing. I am very excited to work with them. I think that is very important. I think that your fear is a huge obstacle."

Adult me knows what he was trying to get across is "your parts, while scary to you, aren't a problem to be solved. They aren't bad things." But, guys, I am just....I can't seem to get past what I THOUGHT happened...

C told me "you have one of those kinds of brains, a kind you're born with, that takes fear and blows it up and will not let it go." Yes... yes, this is true. That OCD diagnosis, here it is: obsessive obsessive obsessive.

At one point, talking about a mistake I made as a mom, I even said "My brain just takes it and blows it up into this huge, violent thing." He got excited at that like "YES that's the point I am making....your brain takes things and blows them up into these terrifying things."

Oh oh, but of course... I brought up "Well now my brain is telling me 'maybe all those traumas you remember, maybe that's exactly what you did with those...took something small and blew it up"

C was very direct that that's not what he believes, that that is not what my brain does.

....

I can't even remember the order of things all i know is I cried a LOT in session today, I even said to him at one point "I don't even know why I'm crying??" I was sobbing about my daughter....

ugh it was a mess. This session was ....I want to say it was f-ing awful, but also maybe it wasn't, maybe it just FELT awful.

I really feel I angered him too...in the end, I was saying to him "I just need us to be ok before we leave..." and he was having me observe and say aloud his actual physical body language to analyze the situation, and I just...couldn't seem to stay external to my head....

He made a comment about it being dangerous to be "too much internal" and I felt super criticized...like a failure.

I honestly feel godawful right now. Very sick to my stomach. Everything is awful, and yet...I had to come home and work... and I don't even know what to do... I want to reach out to him, but I'm SCARED to because I feel so completely awful.

I just feel so sick.