In Session Today: Part IV

Today was good. I told her I had reached some peace about ex t1 and she was all on board with it until I started describing what happened and then she seemed kind of shocked. I called after and left a message with something I had wanted to say in session and chickened out.

Imo, ime, this point of seeing and staying and holding is exactly what we mean when we say we want someone to take care of us. Its getting down to this point thats so hard. Feeling needy and not getting rejected as too needy. He was still there for you.

Im not saying this very well. But ya did good, kid.

I asked if she would hug me. She said yes. I asked her not to. I asked if she meant that she kept my session time for me even if we didn't have something scheduled. She said yes. It's mine until I say otherwise.
I told her I was pretty afraid of having the sex talk with my kid because I'm pretty sure I don't know what healthy boundaries are in my own life and I want to be good for my kid. She didn't understand and said all parents felt awkward. I told her it was more than that but then moved on.

I journal every session that I had with my T. I feel that it is important to look back and track the progress that we had together.

Yesterday was ok. I didn't really leave feeling much better, just sort of but he's still not the same, it feels to weird and now he's gone so I can't say anything more. I regret not saying how depressed I am and asking for 2x next week.

We had a few laughs but it wasn't the same, normally he lets me ask him anything and I had a few things on paper but when he asked what was on there, I said never mind, its all dumb.

I had to leave early cuz he had an appointment so I felt rushed out on a day I really needed to stay. I've no idea what happened or anything but I hate this feeling.

He did give me homework, shockingly but I'm debating on wether it's even worth doing.

This is not a session update, but I had a dream last night that I called my therapist to make an appointment. It was not my therapist in the dream, but a different one that I seemed to know, but is not anyone I actually know (dream logic). Anyway, she answered the phone and tried to sound like a recording, asking me to call back and leave a message. I was like wth? If she was pretending to be a machine, couldn't she also pretend to take my message?

So I called back, but there was no pick up on the other end. I kept calling and calling and could not even get a ring tone. Email was not an option.

I think this is just telling me there's a big disconnect going on, which is kind of obvious anyway so I don't know why I had to dream about it too. Normally, I would get upset with my real life therapist over things a dream version did, but at least I'm not going in that direction this time, not totally anyway. I still kind of feel like this actually happened, but will wait until next week to ask her if she would ever pretend to be a non working answering machine as a way to blow me off.

Maybe it would be worthwhile completing the HW as a way to keep therapy going while he is away. I hope you can start feeling more upbeat soon. I know how it sucks to be down...

I'm sitting outside the pet store in my car. I can't go in because tears from session are streaming down my face, but I need to get dog food.

I wonder how I have come to this, a woman sobbing in the front seat over someone ( T) who doesnt even care about her except as 1of 40 patients yet coaxes for confidences and trust, while the wonderful man who does love me in real life is far from mind . I dont know if I can go on with therapy,even though it has helped me in many concrete ways. I dont know how it is possible to talk about intimate things and have no feelings. about the other person, except oh for 45 minutes.

T yesterday. Chatted a few minutes, then he asked what I wanted to talk about. I said I'd heard back from the e-mail I'd sent MC Monday night. How his response was really nice and basically what I wanted from him, and in the past, it would have made me cry. But this time, I had little emotional reaction to it. T said that was interesting. I said I wondered if it was just a case where the relationship had been irreparably damaged.

I had the e-mail printed out with me and said T could read if he wanted. He said if I wanted him to, he would. Normally I would have handed it to him, but for some reason I didn't. I did read a little excerpt from it about how MC had said that he'd made mistakes with inconsistent boundaries in the past and was sorry about that. T said it was a nice thing for MC to say.

I told him how H said the whole thing with MC almost seemed like a romantic breakup to him, in my reaction. I said I felt weird saying that, but it almost felt that way to me, too. T said how it can be like any sort of loss, how losses--deaths, breakups, moves, etc.--of any sort can hit the same emotional areas. I said that made sense. And how at one point, right after the rupture in December, it felt like I was grieving a death.

He said death is kind of different in a way, because usually, it's not the person's choice to leave you, . But if someone is choosing to leave you, like a breakup of a relationship or friendship, that can be painful in a different way. I said it was also complicated because it's basically my choice to leave MC at this point. Because he emphasized he was still good with seeing me and H. T said that was an interesting point.

I said part of what was bothering me about the e-mail was MC's comment about how he should have been more consistent with boundaries on outside contact in the past. I said that part of me had wanted him to acknowledge that. But another part feels like, if he's saying he should have had stronger boundaries, that he's saying maybe he shouldn't have cared about me as much, or at least shown that care as much. T tried to figure out exactly what I meant by that. I tried to explain more, and I think he got it.

He seemed thoughtful for a moment and said he wanted to ask me something, but was trying to figure out how best to formulate the question. I was like, "Uh-oh." He struggled with saying it, and I said to just say whatever it was. He asked, “So was [MC] contacting you outside of session, with no charge, so on his own time, a sign to you of his caring?" I thought for a second. I asked, "Are you asking this in relation to you, since you do charge for most outside contact?" (I was trying to figure out if he thought I believed he didn't care as much because he didn't allow that.) He said no, that he was just wondering in regards to MC.

I said, "In a way, yes." T asked, "If he had charged you for the outside contact, would you have felt differently about it?" I said I wasn't sure...how if he had done that from the beginning, I wouldn't have known any different. I said I also realilzed that he probably allowed outside contact with all of his other clients. But it still made me feel special in a way.

I said in a way, the outside contact served as "proof" to me that MC truly cared. And I have trouble in general accepting that anyone in my life genuinely cares about me. So it's like I need that "proof."

That led to me talking about how I "test" people, like do or tell them things and see if they still accept me. I said I knew I did that with MC. T asked if I was aware while I was doing it, and I said that MC told me at one point that it's what I was doing and that it's something kids do their parents. I said I knew it wasn't a healthy thing to do in relationships (since I'm not a kid). T said yes, because at some point you might push too far and get rejected. I said I was really trying to avoid doing that with him, and he said that's good. Though part of me wanted to. He was like, "What exactly were you planning?" and laughed. I laughed and said I didn't know.

I said I was also trying not to do that with friends, like sharing all my deepest secrets and seeing if they still accept me (we've discussed that before). He said everyone in my life doesn't need to know all of my secrets. That I probably don't know everything about my friends either. I said that was a good point. And when I saw a few friends recently, I didn't dump any big secrets on them and felt much more relaxed after seeing them.

I said how H knows most everything about me, yet I still struggle with why he would still accept me. So...it’s kind of a losing proposition. Like I can’t trust that someone won’t leave, no matter how much I test them. T said that was a good observation. I said also that it's not like I can prove someone won't abandon me, and he agreed with that.

T commented on how it just seems like I feel so bad about myself. He seemed sad about it. I asked, "So how do I fix that?" He said I seem to focus so much on my negative aspects. That it would help me to think of my positive aspects, too, what I bring to relationships, to friends, to employers. He said, “To give an example, if you thought some of your good qualities were being caring and having a good sense of humor, focus on those. At least half as much as in negative parts.” I said I’d try to do that more. And commented on how I'd recently checked in with a friend to see how a medical procedure had gone, and she'd said how thoughtful I was to check. While I just thought that was a normal thing to do.

I said also that I often thought about people, but then wouldn't reach out. Or, say, I'd forget about someone's birthday until 3 days after. And then I wasn't sure if it was OK to wish them a happy belated birthday. T asked how I'd feel if someone wished me a happy birthday 3 days later. I said it would feel good for them to acknowledge it. He said, "Exactly. A 72-hour-late birthday wish is still nice to get."

A couple times during session, we ended up talking about something off topic, and I was like, "How exactly did we end up talking about this?" Both times, he said, "It was probably me." Once I agreed, and the other time, I was like, "No I'm pretty sure it was me this time." We got back on track pretty quickly both times.

He took out his phone to schedule, and I said I think we're already set for Tuesday. He confirmed and asked if I wanted to go ahead and schedule next Friday, too, especially if I liked this same time. So I did that.

Went to his desk, paid--I said, "I'll be sure to give you the signed slip this time!" I did, we shook hands, he said, "Have a good weekend!" I said, "You, too." and headed out.

LT--
I'm really glad 2x is going well for you, man I miss it.... I am also glad your T seems to be stepping up to your current needs and that's great! Glad you had a great session

I'm glad your session went well LT.

Dr T sounds pretty awesome!

Sorry if this is not well structured, I just want to vent somewhere or something like that...

Came into the room, did my usual roll up on the chair that is nowhere big enough to properly do this. T asked about my week, I gave him a run down of all the ****** things that happened or that I was randomly scared of during the last few days.

Then I got quiet. He asked me what I was currently feeling? I said I was sad. We talked about that feeling for a minute or two, during which I switched to angry, sad again and feeling empty. He said a goal of therapy would be to learn to stay with emotions.

While we talked about that, I started to feel sad again. I told him, and he asked me how I could tell, and what I was thinking about. Which was nothing. I said I was frustrated that I couldn't talk, because I didn't know why that was. I said I feel like crying but can't. He told me it's alright to be frustrated and to just talk about whatever comes to my mind. We talked about how my body was feeling, what emotions therer were and so on. I don't quite remember what happened, but I laid down even more. He said it might be good to cry, that it can be calming and help. At some point I started something like sobbing without tears, while he tried to be as comforting as he can. He even offered me a tissue (he doesn't have tissues in his office, nor has he ever offered me one before). It was a horrible feeling to just sit there and feel sad but not being able to cry.

He talked a bit about the change in the intensity of an emotions while you are staying with it, and I mostly just nodded, I couldn't really talk. A couple of times he asked me whether I was feeling better, and when I said no the last time he sounded really sad when he answered to that...

He asked me to look at him twice. I told him it hurts to do that, but he said I should try anyways. Once it helped a tiny bit, the other time I started to feel worse again and broke down again.

We then talked for a while about how other people have emotions too, and how I we all sometimes struggle with ups and downs. He has been talking about this for a while now, to make me feel less alone. He then also said that sometimes I evoke emotions in him and how he tries to process them and "give them back". I'm not sure whether he started talking about this because he sounded sad before, at least I didn't comment on it.

We said goodbye after an hour, which really surprised me given that I didn't talk for more than maybe 10% of that time.

This isn't really an "in-session with current t" thing, but I was finally able to talk to the guy, "D", from the mental health unit in the nearby hospital who met with me after my attempt 19 years ago. I am just now being able to process what happened. D goes to the same church as I and I have only ever had a handful of conversations with him outside of the hospital. He and my H have always been comfortable talking, both while I was in and out of the hospital and years later. (His family and our family are on the schedule to serve lunch after church together so there have been lots of opportunities for D and H to talk). Today was the first time I've really spoken to him.

I asked this guy D if he remembers when he first met. He said, yes, quite clearly and he talked about that first session. I don't know what the feeling or emotion is that I am feeling after being able to thank him for all that he did, but I know it is a good emotion. During that first session in the ICU, D had me draw a picture of something to look forward to, and I told him today that I had realized that goal from the picture. He helped me so much during subsequent hospital visits. One time a pdoc told me and everyone (as in the other patients) that I was faking it because a doctoral student cannot have major mental illness. This pdoc even discussed confidential aspects of my case with my roommate in my presence. Then this guy D brought me forms to complete to formally lodge a complaint against the pdoc and gave me encouragement!! He helped me the time I was in the hospital and demanded that I get out and refuse to take the meds. D was a calming influence then. I'm glad I had the chance to thank him. I think it was healing in a way.

D said that he wasn't really sure what our relationship had been over these two decades because he always hangs back when he sees a former patient and lets the patient make the first move. I always figured he hung back because I am overwhelming. I learned something new today.

Me (teenage pars speaking) at session Friday: No one gives a s*** about me
T1: yes they do
Me: No. the few who know that I am off and on suicidal never check to see how I am doing.
T1: Well, I give a s*** about you
Me: Yeah, but that is not enough
T1: You mean that I am just a counselor so it doesn't matter that I care
Me: no, not like that.
T1: Thank you

Etc. I left, had a bad day Friday, bad Saturday afternoon.

Text this am from T1: Tell (part) that I give a s*** today.

aww i like your T kecanoe!

Thanks, DP and Lemoncake! I feel like T is really helping me. In some ways, I wish I'd started seeing him sooner. But maybe at that point, I wouldn't have been ready for his approach? Like maybe the timing is just right...with being disillusioned both with ex-T and MC...and being ready to make some changes in myself. Not that it's easy....

Blondie and I played a board game in session today for a bit (something about code-breakers). It was surreal -- I have rather hellish memories of so-called "fun" times with the family. So, it felt really odd (not in a bad way) to hang out and do something stupid and silly like that -- turns out Blondie's powers of concentration are limited.

I asked her if she thought I had cyclothymia (I've been reading up on it and some of it fit) -- she did the usual hemming and hawing and told me I present with trauma and she relates all of my stuff to that. Think she largely went down that road because she suggested I could take mood stabilizers and I totally refused to take meds.

I told her I've been feeling like everything is effing bleak and my sudden unfathomable bursts of anger are a defense against going down that road again -- we talked a bit about it but I still don't think (even after a year and a half) she sees how low the lows can be. Probably coz I always present as rather solid in session.

I always wanted to sit down and play monoploy. Do you journal, would you be able to show her some of that?

Nope not easy but I've seen how far you've come and I'm proud of your progress. I believe people come into our lives at specific moments, and because of what you previously went through - you are where you are now.

Had a good session today. Managed to talk a bit about gender identity. I had alluded to it in writing but not verbally brought it up. T recognised the importance of this to me and said it doesn't matter what gender I am, I am still the same person. She's new to LGB and T stuff, but I'm glad she's accepting and acknowledges she's new at it.

T told me today that he and his wife are going on a trip for four weeks sometime in the future. I was surprised I didn't totally lose it. I was/am happy for them. I am kind of worried about how I will react when the time comes, but my first reaction wasn't/isn't one of panic. I've somehow learned that anticipatory anxiety makes things so much worse, so I can kind of redirect myself.

On the way home, though I started worrying about if he wants to get rid of me and it didn't seem in relation to him leaving. I am approaching the six year mark. So I am worried sick if he wants to get rid of me and that he thinks I'm a hopeless loser. I think it has been awhile since I have had one of these incidents.

So, I texted T and asked if he was sick of me. He responded telling me that we are okay as usual. I feel so much better.

I've just decided to ask my therapist every time if he wants to fire me yet. Seems like the week goes better if he tells me we are ok. It's a little nutty, but that's why I'm going to therapy I guess.

Our session went really well today. I was finally able to tell her why I was always so nervous during our sessions, which is related to the issue I'm in therapy for and a personal traumatic event for her regarding the same issue. I felt she was really glad I was worried about her reactions to this issue, and it was groundbreaking to just get this out of the way. So, this was a good session.

T today. Doing two separate posts--one with the more amusing, lighter stuff from the session, and one with more stuff related to the discussion about drinking.
First, the lighter, non-drinking post:

T today. A good session, though there were a series of awkward/embarrassing moments. I ran into him in the lobby by the elevator. He said hi, that he was going to take the stairs, which made me feel slightly awkward. (At first, I was like, maybe he didn't want to be alone in the elevator with me, then thought for a second, and realized he's alone in his office with me for an hour, so...maybe he just likes taking the stairs.) While in the waiting room, I noticed I had something on my pants, and was trying to wipe them off right as an older guy in the waiting room was leaning right near me to get a magazine. I mumbled, "I'm trying to wipe something off my pants."

Went back and sat down. Started making small talk as I picked up my plastic bottle of Perrier and began twisting off the top...and it promptly started exploding, water spraying everywhere. I laughed, embarrassed, and apologized, and he said, laughing, "Better on the floor than in your purse!" I said it was just water, not soda or anything. I said I don't usually have issues with these, just the lemon-flavored ones. He shared his "best exploding drink story" (it involved a freezer and forgotten sodas), and I shared one of mine.

I said I had a list of things I could talk about but wasn't sure which to work on. He looked curious and said, "OK." I pulled out list, adding that I only had two because one had leftover stuff from last session. That I had a thing or two I kept shifting from list to list. He said it could be something I'm avoiding. I said either that or it's just less important. He agreed that could also be it.

I said how one was about my daughter's IEP (individualized education plan--special supports at school to help her because she's on autism spectrum) meeting the next day, but I suspected that would be canceled due to snow. I still talked about it for a few minutes--I suspect he's fairly knowledgeable about such meetings because his son is on the spectrum (he's careful to not really talk about him though--it came up in an early session because ex-T had told me, and he said he doesn't want any of my knowledge about his son to affect me or what I talk about in session).

Discussed that a few minutes, why the meetings are stressful for me, how I had panic attack/crying in one right after I'd found out MC's wife had died. He said how it was common, but that teachers/team members remember the angry parents, not the sad ones. I said how it's also hard for me because I tend to focus on my daughter's deficits when they discuss her, while H focuses on her strengths. T asked if that's kind of a personality difference between H and me, and I said yes, that he tends to be more optimistic, while I'm more pessimistic (T did not look surprised by that).

I picked up list, briefly mentioned that I could talk about some odd dreams I'd had (fleetingly mentioned one), but wasn't sure that was the best thing to focus on right now. I said I had thought the IEP, but now that was less of an issue because of likely meeting cancellation. He said, "So are you good on that topic for now? Do you feel we addressed it enough?" I said, "For now, yes." He said, enthusiastically, "Good job! You get an M&M!" I laughed and said I guessed he was trying positive reinforcement. He laughed and said yes. (Note: I did not in fact get an M&M.)

I said I guessed what I really should talk about today is drinking, that I'm still drinking too much--see next post for this conversation. [Talk about drinking.]

One more slightly awkward moment: Near the end of the session, he looked at me and said, "Do you want a Band-Aid?" I was like, "Huh?" He pointed to my hand and said, "For your finger." I looked and noticed a tiny amount of blood by my pinky nail. "Oh, I didn't even realize it was bleeding! I'm good, thanks." I grabbed a tissue and held it on the finger (it was my left hand, but was still concerned he wouldn't shake my hand in case the other hand had touched the blood. He still shook my hand though.)

Wrapped up about the drinking thing, what next steps were--list why I wanted to stop/cut back, maybe some goals, plus what I'd lose by stopping/reducing alcohol. Confirmed Friday session, scheduled for next Tuesday. Went over, paid, he said he'd heard from someone that it was getting slippery out there, so be careful. I asked how late he was working because I knew weather would get worse. He said not too late, but he has to "pay the bills." He shook my hand, said, "Be careful walking." I said, "You too," and headed out.

And now more of the drinking content, for those interested (please no judgment on this--I'm working on it):

I said I guessed what I really should talk about today is drinking, that I'm still drinking too much. He asked why I felt it was important right now. I said because I thought I had done poorly with it over the weekend. That I kept trying to set goals for myself (like not drinking more than x drinks a week), then not meeting them. That the methods I'm trying aren't working. That a couple things have concerned me, like what time I start drinking some days.

T seemed very nonjudgmental and accepting in hearing all these things. (And he didn't bring his own drinking habits--one glass of wine a week--into it like he did last time--even though that he said he didn't mean judgmentally.) He just kept asking me questions and listening. Which was really important. Because if I feel like I'm being judged, I tend to shut down.

He talked about how it could help me to come up with a list of reasons that I wanted to drink less, then maybe look at that list twice a day. I said how I felt bad because I worried about my health in terms of my D, but then (crying) that I felt awful if wanting to be healthy for her wasn't enough of a reason to get me to cut back/stop. I said I guessed that's what made it an addiction though...He agreed. Again, did not seem judgmental.

I said how I felt like I should have the willpower to stop. He said willpower doesn't generally work for anyone, that "willpower is s**t (which amused me because he rarely curses). He gave example of trying to eat healthier, having doughnuts in the house, maybe avoiding them for a week--adding "I don't know what kind of doughnuts you'd have in the house that long" and I said, "Maybe Hostess brand ones?" and he said, "There you go then." But basically, maybe you hold off for a week, then something bad happens, and you eat them.

He seemed pretty knowledgeable about addiction in general, talking about the difference between someone who just kind of likes beer and has one once in a while compared to someone who has a stronger relationship with it. How he could likely ask me about beer, and I could probably go on for 20 minutes about it. I said that seemed right. He said it can be harder to stop because it's tied in with so many things in my life.

A big one is that my H also drinks a fair amount and doesn't think it's a problem for him--even though he'll often say he should cut back. And then he won't drink for a couple days, then will go right back to how he was. T said that's a huge factor. How if I could get H at least somewhat on board with it, that could be really helpful to me. I said how it had come up in marriage counseling before, but because H said he didn't feel it was a problem for him, since he does it for fun vs. my use of it to some extent for self-medicating. So we never came up with a solution. Plus MC seemed kind of holier-than-thou about the issue, so that didn't help.

Talked about cutting back vs. stopping entirely, since in the past, I had gone through long periods where I either drank moderately or stopped completely (including pregnancy and breastfeeding). So I felt like I could manage moderation. He said how it probably crept up on me, like the proverbial frog in a pot of water coming to a boil (where it just gets gradually hotter till it's too late). How maybe I had been moderate...but then gradually became a heavier drinker. And that if I wanted to moderate vs. stop, it could be doable, but would take more rules and goals, so would be more challenging.

Something interesting he said is that I also need to consider the things I'd give up if I stopped (or greatly decreased) drinking. I said for one, something to help my anxiety. He agreed, saying if there's something there that can quickly get rid of my anxiety, makes sense to use it. But that there are other (nonmedicated) ways, too, like meditation, light exercise, breathing exercises. And I said how I just liked the taste of beer, and some of the social stuff around it. He said it can become a bit of a ritual, tied into certain things in my life. Not unlike smoking (I'm a former smoker, but it's been over 10 years, and it was like half pack a day at the most).

Wrapped up about the drinking thing, what next steps were--list why I wanted to stop/cut back, maybe some goals, plus what I'd lose by stopping/reducing alcohol. He said we could discuss more specific goals together and how to address them once I'd done that.