Couch 172: Couch me if you can

Well, H is having surgery tomorrow for his wpw.

The seminar was good. I learned a lot. Like women who don't have children are more likely to get breast and ovarian cancer than women who have children. I was able to ask if they would still give medication to women who develop cysts. The doctor said yes, that they either remove the cyst or wait for it to go away. I also learned that IUI only has 15% success rate, while IVF has a 70% success rate. And that frozen embryos survive better than frozen eggs. And using frozen eggs and embryos has better success than fresh... because the medication actually decrease the chance of implantation. (Sorry if it's tmi!)

H said we will go forward with IVF. I'm so excited and scared! But at least I have hope again. But first, my surgery to remove the cyst.

Happy Birthday Scarlett!!!



Did you drive there all by yourself? The seminar sounds very insightful-fingers crossed you hear some good news.

I hope your H's surgery goes well.

I'll happily pocket ride with you !

Also hope your H’s surgery goes well, Scarlet. Glad you were able to attend the seminar—sounds like you got some encouraging information. And happy birthday!

I contacted two T's asking if they would be willing to see me for a few sessions during the break. R won't like it but I don't really care.

EDA: It's easy for me to type I don't care but the truth is that I do. I want to rub it in his face that I don't need him and to make him jealous.

My mood is ping ponging all over the place from happy highs to crushing sadness...multiple times in an hour, for several hours now. I had T today, talked about hard stuff.

Suggested to a friend that they see my T because honestly, my T matches a lot of what he needs, he asked if I'd be uncomfortable (I would!!!) and I told him that's MY baggage and for myself to deal with.

Thank you!

My dad was nice and drove me. I was going to attempt it on my own, but I much rather have someone else drive.

My birthday actually turned out okay. Pdoc didn't call the police on me, ate dinner with my dad, went to the seminar, saw H in hospital, came home, pigged out, and now off to sleep.

QM- I know it's not easy but I would suggest that you try to put yourself and your needs first, before your friend. I only gave R's details to someone I wasn't very close to but someone I checked up on, so I wouldn't necessarily be talking about them other than we went running together or had lunch.

Have you looked at learning grounding techniques? Could you do somethin to try to distract yourself? A good movie or just a very hot bath?

Goodnight!

I'm at work I haven't been able to focus on complex work tasks (Brain is flighty) so doing small discrete tasks.

And my brain is ridiculously "buzzing" right now. It's like racing thoughts, jumping from topic to topic, spamming my facebook because gawd I suddenly have LOTS of opinions...

I consider that friend a close friend and I feel awful he hasn't lucked into a good therapist. Ex T and T thought T would be a good match for him too...

And my other friend with DID who sees T? (I like them too, they're very kind and cool and brave) I reminded them to please not talk about them therapy to me...in ANY depth. They've only mentioned shallow stuff like "T was fierce!", "T looked dang happy to see me" (even stuff like that TRIGGERS me) and I told they before not to but they still does mention stuff...

At least they aren't mad with me that I told T they have DID...

Hugs! He might be jealous (my email to ex T kicked up A LOT of emotions for her (she said!), including regret that we couldn't continue our work)

I hope the surgery goes well. I'm an IVF baby

Can I kick your therapist? He could have handled it much better.

I've the same feelings of sometimes wishing T is my friend. I know why that's impossible etc but it still is painful. My T and ex T have talked about how we can't be friends, but also how I do have qualities that'll enable me to form healthy friendships, how the longing points to what I want in life, how we can work in therapy to build my capacity for recognizing healthy and safe people and other stuff... (I have problems with interpersonal relationships, and am socially isolated)

They've both validated the pain that we can't be friends. Ex T ever said we perhaps could have been friends in a different setting but that's not to be of course.

Hugs hugs hugs

My mood swings used to be pretty bad,it might sound stupid but I would really recommend the app Calm to help focus on your breathing right now.

Post away if it helps but I have a separate and private twitter account just for me for moments when I need to get things off my chest.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, regardless of if ex- T and current T thinking it could work- theory and practice are often different. there's other T's he could see and there is no guarantee he would even click with your T. I don't see why you should have to deal with the added pressure of censoring yourself in sessions when you're supposed to be able to be able to talk freely.

I would just ask your friend to stop talking about therapy with you, as it seems they're not able to respect your reasonable request.

The last time I saw someone else he said it undermined our work together and that I went behind his back (which I did). Then we made the infamous deal that I wouldn't act out and he would make a plan for me when he went away. That was last year and only for a week, this time around it will be for a month plus throw an exam in between that, so maybe I feel justified in acting out, but what's so bad about trying to keep myself stable and safe?

I love the Calm app. Did a meditation. Slightly less wired now. Took a long walk, did grounding etc for the past IDK how long.

Now thinking I'll channel the BUZZ into posts on Reddit because composing stuff where I got to think slows my brain down. Not personal posts but links to research and commentary haha.

I know you're right that he might not click with my T.

I wish my T would say she won't take him on...

Honestly I really don't want him to see my T. He himself might not want to as well because T knows a lot about him due to me :/ Like I'm not "gossiping" about him in a mean way to my T but talking about my issues related to my friendships, secondary trauma I experience because sometimes he discloses horrific stuff...

And honestly while I've always focused on my issues, my reactions etc, T knows a lot...which should they be therapist-client...shoukd be things he reveals only when comfortable. :/

And that other friend... They replied "lol" when I asked them to not talk about their therapy to me. Ugh...

Nothing bad about you keeping yourself stable and safe

I fully believe that folks should be able to see however many therapists they want. Therapists have many patients, we can have many therapists too.

I don't believe in that "undermining our work together" thing - my T was fine with me seeing LGBTQ T (I never asked her permission, just did it, so I did go behind her back) and so was he.

Honestly if a T wants to talk about "loyalty" and set themselves up as "you should only see me" (vibe I get from your post) then they dang well should provide what a client NEEDS to be safe and stable.

I would him exactly what you've posted here, and help him look for someone else, by actually going through listings and writing openin emails if he needs a hand hold.

I'm in the camp where I'm now very selective about the people I give and spend time with. I'm not saying their a bad person but just that If i'd explained something upset me and felt they didn't take it seriously- I'd start to limit my exposure to them to protect myself. Small things can set me off when I''m down and it's kinda hard to crawl back to equilibrium.

I'm scared to. Because I know it's already "too much". Like although I am focusing talk about him to my T centered on my issues, it's already too much of his privacy being compromised.

So I'm being chicken and relieved he's switched back to "na, maybe we shouldn't see the same therapist".

I have put in quite a lot of effort over the past couple of years to help him look for someone else. "Enlisted" my therapist for recommendations, my sibling's therapist too for recommendations.

Good points. I have this huge need to be liked and am bad at setting boundaries. Like you, small stuff can set me off then I struggle to return to balance. One comment by that friend about T (even if it's "I have an appointment next week") = kaboom!

I never act out on them but always wait till I'm calm again before giving a neutral reply or encouraging them to see T (they REALLY need therapy. T said so to them and they told me though I didn't ask)...but yeah... I get dysregulated for a long time.

Tw Below

So I read this, and it seemed like he might be trying to normalize your feelings, and also defend himself a bit that he is doing the best he can? I wouldn't like getting this to read either, but I can easily imagine my T giving it to someone. If it helps, my T told me last session he was too busy to look at what I wanted to talk about in the session, so I should just tell him, and he would stick the email in his trash. He later said he was just teasing me bc it is so hard for me to get started , but it didn't feel that way too me. It hurt my feelings. There is a huge canyon between the T perspective and ours it seems like once in a while, between What they mean and what we take away? That article seemed to send the message he realizes it is difficult and messy for you, that it is normal and other therapy client/provider duos face the same challenge, that it isn't easy for him or you(?). That is my takeaway.

I just finished with R. I don't have everything down 100%

I thought that originally I was supposed to see him on tuesday the 31st as well as he gave me the dates of the 1st- 27th of august. He said today was our last session.

I burst out crying right from the start, because it felt sudden and I didn't expect it.

R: "I do want to make this better. I don't want you going into this break thinking that I'm unreliable or angry. I'm a human being who makes mistakes, but I want to try to make things better."

Guilt, confusion and shame were powerful feelings, better that he had them than me.

S: It was your responsibility to make sure we were on the same page.

R: I'm supposed to keep up with changed session times, and missed sessions. In an ideal world maybe I would have. You don't trust me, why do you keep coming? I need you to trust me now, that this doesn't have to be hopeless.

S: Do you want my pin and my online banking details too?

He sighed.

R: You call me a fraud, accept no responsibility blame him, reinforce beliefs even though I didn't get better. So I could have the sense that I was right.

S:You said the 1st to the 27th. I assumed that I would also see you on tuesday.

R: Well I stand with what I said. In an ideal world, not substituting and switching sessions. boundaries and keeping agreements ( this is about me not wanting to do three sessions over two long term- but I can't justify the cost unless i'm in a very very low place).

S: okay then.

R: I guess you want me to apologize, for what's happened for making a mistake. What good is an apology if there's no hope for forgiveness? If I apologized now - it would be me being humiliated, and I would express anger, venom and hatred.

S:Yes because that's all I am. (more crying)

R:I've seen the good in you, encouraged you to develop and grow. In this moment I see child part 7 and older part who doubts me.I was going to see you on tuesday, but since you find it impossible for me for me to offer you anything without you beating me around the head and putting the time to good use.

S: If I'm special why don't you take better care of me?

R:In your world people constantly making judgements, so I made judgments about others. I was confused, people were okay then no good. That I had a strong desire to be special being ordinary was no good. If you behave like your so special everyone else is destined to fail. Doesn't have to be one or the either. You don't have to let people walk all over you- but you don't have to set standards so high.

S: The quote from the little prince "I did not understand anything, I ought to have judged my deeds and not words."

R: I was busy judging someones deeds, look at what he was offering. I'm prepared to accept so I want to make it up to you, honoring an agreement. Both be people who didn't honor agreements. I'd pass up the session.

S:You're on holiday.

R: You'll hate me.

S: I already hate you.

R: I'll call you on tuesday, I'm sorry this has happened it's still surprising to me.

S: I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

I don't want to see him on Tuesday after this session.

OMG I'm so sorry couch. I realised why my brain was going 100mph. I missed my anti psychotic dose.

I got off work, reached home (I seriously spammed MULTIPLE friends, reddit, here, facebook)...still 100mph... Took my dose and yepp once it kicked in...

Info is apparently incapable of understanding that when I write “please don’t respond to this particular statement” in an email, it doesn’t mean “don’t respond to the whole email.”