In Session Today: Part VI

Not really sure about documenting this as I think it would be pretty obvious who I am if the person working with me happened to read this (hello paranoia lol).

Anyway... I have been doing an online cbt course for a couple of months now and I have learnt a few good things from it although unfortunately it hasn’t helped ease my symptoms (in fact, they’ve got worse) perhaps due to thinking about everything...

With the online course, feedback from a therapist is limited to a few times to help throughout the course. I really like the therapist who has been helping me and felt supported etc.

Because I knew the online course was limited I also booked to see a counsellor face to face through the same organisation, I had a phone induction and meet with the counsellor soon (if I’m brave enough to actually go).

Because I was worried about the online course ending (I was never given a date because for some reason I didn’t get the induction phone call) I told the therapist I was worried I would make some progress then be back to square one after it ends. I guess I was also worried about dealing with things on my own as I feel like my emotions are quite hard to cope with and intense recently. They explained that they can offer other services etc and not to worry about that we could talk further when they call to review my progress.

Well on the day my next review was due I got an email to say that the therapist had left the final review which completely threw me as I had no idea and they hadn’t mentioned in their message about discussing things further that it would be the last one. I was due to receive a call as normal to discuss my progress but didn’t receive a call after waiting all day. I check the online messages and the therapist said they tried to call. I have no missed calls and other people called me that day so I can only assume they called the wrong number. He did give his contact number and say I could call for the last review but I struggle with phone calls and feel like I’m imposing so I doubt I will do that and I just feel quite crap at the way it is going to end.

I kind of feel a bit mad that they didn’t say it would be the final review so I couldn’t prepare for that. I had also been talking about sharing some diary entries with then and had I know I could have shared then earlier. It has taken a lot for me to feel like I wanted to share those even though I wasn’t 100% and now I’m not even sure I want to do the face to face appointments. After telling the therapist how worried I was about it ending and conveying my feelings of just being left on my own to deal with things I now feel like my fear has come true and that’s exactly what has happened.

I also feel like I’m now going to be a little standoffish with the counsellor when I see him face to face (this is a different person). I feel like every time I have tried to reach out for help (now and a few years ago) things just don’t happen and I feel let down.

I’m also worried that because things have gotten worse since starting the online course that this will only continue to be harder when doing the face to face appointments and it looks like they might be every 3/4 weeks and I don’t know if I can cope with such big gaps between appointments especially if we are digging up things from the past. I have been having some really bad thoughts about life too which they know about from initial contact and I just feel I don’t know how to deal with everything on my own. I feel a bit stuck with it all.

Sorry if it’s not really an in session post but I really needed to get it out as I’ve really struggled tonight being upset and having bad thoughts about how nothing is going to help.

We started with laughing at me replying 'I am fine'. I agree this is an understatement, but I wonder if you really know how much of an understatement this is.

Then we acknowledge how you talked at me last session. I didn't really understand the point of the psychoeducation you were giving me and I am glad I was unapologetic about stating how 'yes you did talk at me'. I saw you in a different light though. Which i think might be useful for our relationship. I hope next time I can call you to account there and then without waiting until next session, but sometimes you are like a dog with a bone and for some reason I just let you get away with it.

You tried some of this new IFS tactics. That didn't go down well and I am pretty sure I dissociated within about 5 minutes. I didn't like naming the feeling and tried to change the name, you didn't understand and pressed on. I think I need to be more explict. I think you need to be more open when I say its not called something and ask me why.

Somewhere along the line we stopped this. I am not sure at what point, but i do remember you saying maybe this won't work for you. I felt a little let down by that. I feel like you are saying I am too stupid for this. I did like your clarification that emoitions work slower then thinking though, because at least I have my smarts right? That and that is exactly how it feels. My emoitions are constantly trying to catch up.

We moved on to trust. Namely the lack of it. after almost 5 years you would have thought we had more, but the fact I am still coming should be enough. Thanks for sharing what you did. I could see you were really trying. I hope my responses demonstrated my appreciation and that I wasn't chucking it back in your face, I can do that sometimes. I know disclosure isn't your inherent tactic, but even the small amount you gave was enough and made me feel valued.

Next session I want to share a few things. I hope I find the courage to force that all out. I also want to thank you and show some form of appreciation. I hope I don't feel too timid for that.

I was earlier than usual, since I'm staying at my parent's. He still only took a minute or so to get me.
We hadn't had a session last week due to Easter, he commented on that and asked how I'd been. Last week had been okay, but this week not so much.
He asked about my stay at my parent's last week (they are on vacation and I can use their place) and I told him about getting stoned every day, which he found funny for some reason.

I told him about calling my parent's. They've bought a car in the US. I tried to talk them into getting something that's at least somewhat environment friendly and they didn't even get a hybrid, just plain old gas. This developed into a discussion on self-driving cars. T tried to steer it towards the fact that computers don't have emotions, on which I fully agree with him, but he was so bad at explaining it that I had to ask stupid questions for a while.

Then we got more into what I'd been doing while I was at my parent's place. I had seen some documents on a medical condition my mom has. I hadn't known about it beforehand (though she's had it ever since I was born). It's related to my birth and we talked about it for a while.

At some point I mentioned that I missed him a whole lot and he commented on how it's been a long time since we've last seen. I told him I'd been reading the write-ups of our sessions. It's comforting to read what we used to discuss again, it helps me remember how he talks to me. T thought this sounds like a good thing, that he thinks I need physical things that remind me of people rather than just my mind. He asked whether there was anything that bothered me about my notes. I said no, the only thing was one time a few months ago where he'd first ask for a suggestion on how to handle a social interaction, I gave one, he said no, we talked for 5 minutes, and then he told me to do what I had already suggested, but as if it were his own idea. He laughed and actually remembered it and agreed with me.

T started to talk about how some people can just imagine a certain person and it's enough, they don't feel alone anymore. I said how I had actually been trying to do that and all I kept thinking about was one instance where he'd said that he'd not just abandon me. He mentioned that he says that a lot. I agreed with him but said that time it was different.

At some point while he was talking I started looking at him. He commented on that and asked whether it needed a lot of effort. When I said no he answered that's good and smiled.

He suggested that although having physical reminders can be a good thing, it can also hurt you. People might lie and if you constantly remind yourself of lies, it will hurt a lot when you find out. I pointed out that your fantasy can lie to you just as much and he agreed. I told him that I was trying to just think of him in general as well, though it helped less than reading my notes. He replied that he'd been thinking about me as well from time to time and gave some examples. After that we started to wrap up.

Reflecting on this session as well as all the things I've read over the last few days about our earlier ones,
I find that while I didn't really feel any kind of emotional connection for the first 6 or 7 months to my T and he was very blank state during our first year, he now shares a lot more his own emotions (in connection to me or what we talk about) and seems to try to change his behavior based on the needs I have. I really appreciate that he is willing and able to do that.

I immediately picked up where we left off. I told him I had been left feeling like these historical ruptures will always hang over us, like an unscratchable itch, because we dont seem able to resolve them. I said him entering back into "here's how I felt" made me think he would never really know how it feels for me, and what I need. I told him I want to say there's no blame in this, but I think you know that already? And T nodded.

Then I said something like "we had navigated the difficult bit (when I saw his wife) and managed not to say anything hurtful around that, but then we tripped over the bit that should have been easier." T's eyes lit up and he said "that's helpful". I said "how so?" And he said "I think I was feeling guilty about that happening (me seeing his wife)". He said he seems to have a pattern of feeling guilty when his behaviour impacts on me and withdrawing as a result, but then the withdrawing has an impact on me, so he feels guilty again. He said he ends up like a boat with one paddle going round and round in circles and he needs to recognise when he is feeling guilty to stop himself getting into that cycle. He said that when I had said "i think you know that there's no blame?" He had thought that he knows there's no blame from me, but still felt he blamed himself. I said it's weird because I think there's nothing wrong with someone being outside planting flowers in their own garden. I think it's perfectly reasonable. He nodded.

I said I wanted to talk about the tailspin that session sent me into. I emailed him some dark stuff at various points through the week. I had been having a lot of
We talked about how not feeling heard by him is one of the triggers for the emptiness feelings, and I also identified another trigger.

In something I am doing professionally, I found myself seeking approval from a particular person, and feeling painfully empty when I received radio silence from this person. I identified that this person is a lot like my father, and the type of validation I am seeking from him (of my intelligence) is very similar to how I would have responded to my father. I said it was so blatant it felt ridiculous. He said it's good in a way that its blatant, at least we can pinpoint it. He said Dr Jung would call this a parental complex.

We talked a lot about what I want from that. I said that I still believe in what I'm doing even without the validation, so it seems like it's one strand that feels that need, that emptiness, not the whole of me. T said yeah, it's the part of me that doesn't feel okay, where all of what I missed out on in childhood was calculated.

T said

I couldn't speak. I just looked at him. He said "how is this landing?" I managed a small "okay". I looked at him for ages. I felt so seen. I said something like "it matters to me that you said that". T said "do you believe it?" I thought about it and said "yes I do". T said "great". I said I don't know what we can do about it other than name it. T said we can nurture it, that part of me, we can be kind to it and take care of it.

We came to the end of the session, we stood up and hugged. As we hugged I said "I wanted to say 'look after me'" I felt him smile somehow. I said "thank you". He said "you're very welcome". Then I walked to the door and left.

I admitted to R that I felt quite anxious at the start of today’s session.



‘Can you pinpoint why?’

‘It has been an intense week. The Critic has been loud.’

‘What has he been critiquing you on?’

‘The Critic has trust issues.’



‘That comes from being in situations previously where you’ve not felt heard?’



‘Yes.’



‘Well, let’s start there then. How are you today, Lost, in this moment?’



‘I am dancing around what I really want to say. Do you know any more?’

She said that the earliest she would know is the beginning of June, and we can carry on as normal in the meantime.



‘It created an excellent opportunity for some real world practice in asking for what I need, which I completely bungled from my perspective.’



‘How so?’



‘We had our conversation, obviously…and our laugh. Then I had to talk to Mum about it, and I decided that I would wait until we could talk about it over dinner. I decided that I would wait until the end of the meal, which turned into waiting until I’d worked myself up over it so much that I couldn’t eat any more.’

‘It sounds like you have a habit…that’s not a negative thing…of armouring up before difficult conversations.’



‘Yes..the conversation went well, though.’



I told her about the concert I went to at the weekend. ‘Most people don’t armour up ot do fun things.’ I caught myself and requested a ban on the phrase. ‘We are not dealing with most people.’

‘Back to Lost.’



‘It was the same setlist as before. I took tissues and my pebble.’



R asked what the pebble symbolised.



‘It’s a touchstone for me when I feel upset or anxious.’



I explained that the venue had changed the seating since we last went, and the comfortable seating was problematic for my Mum’s back. I said that I’d felt quite guilty over that.



‘It was the same setlist as before, I took tissues and my pebble. My mum asked whether I thought it was going to be sad. I said I was just being prepared.’

I mentioned that I took a deep breath as Here Comes the Sun started, and went somewhere else for most of the song (albeit not intentionally) coming back towards the end.

I talked about feeling much the same during Heading for the Light. R asked about between those two moments of feeling, and I said that I was bracing.

‘There are certain songs that if I hear them in public, I brace.’

‘Not to take away from your experience or to normalise it…but I’m going to disclose something personal to me. There are certain songs that remind me of my dad, and even if I’m having the time of my life, I can still expect that emotional reaction.’

R asked what I was expecting to happen. I said that I was hoping to release some of those feelings. ‘Please piss off.’



‘Always polite.’



‘That was “The theatre is not the place for such a release.”’

‘I have learned that I can’t plan for such things. In order to explain that, I have to go back to the cinema experience in August 2016.’

‘Can you think of a time when you have just allowed yourself to feel and not tried to intellectualise?’



‘I am thinking about last November.’



‘I was thinking of the same thing. There was no thinking about it. That was just feeling.’

R then mentioned our laughter at the end of the previous session as another example of that.


'Part of your journey is feeling your emotions, not eradicating them.'

‘I am tired of this simmering frustration, but if I let it out in the way I need to…no more boat. I’m not going to jump in someone else’s boat and paddle for them, but…’

‘You would like to have a break from trying desperately to keep yours afloat. I love our analogies, it’s like the Jenga tower all over again.’

‘And what will you do then, if you don’t need to paddle furiously?’



I said that my favourite people to be with at the moment are either those who know, or those who don't have a clue.



'People who can look at me and go "Are you breathing?" or those who don't know anything.'



'You almost need the two opposites.'



‘I feel as though I am walking through landmines, but…that analogy falls apart. There is a tension between ‘What they did was not OK’ and ‘I let this happen’.’



‘Can both be true?’



‘Yes.’



‘Which is more true for you at the moment?’



‘I let this happen.’



I reached for R’s hand. ‘I knew I was already in pain. I got sucked into another story in the hope of a better ending. This was not the ending I expected. They took advantage of me, and they took advantage of my person. I am glad that she did not live to see me like this…’



‘Yes.’



‘…but I think she would understand. Something shattered in the moment I found out about that.’



‘That is very powerful. I wonder whether that is tied in with your sense of self.’



‘That sounds like a starting point.’



We scheduled for the same time next week.

I’ve been struggling immensely lately. My doctor is booked until my appointment in June. I called him today and asked if he could raise my Geodon over the phone. I know some doctors will make med changes over the phone and some won’t. Luckily he is one who will. So I’ll be taking 100 milligrams at night instead of 80. I’m pretty pleased with him and how his nurse communicated with me a couple times today and I’m pleased at how fast the prescription was called in by him and how quickly the pharmacy filled it in. I’ll pick it up tomorrow morning and start it tomorrow night.

My session on Thursday was decent. I came in a little peeved because C and I took the enneagram, and we both got the same personality type and wing. I told the therapist this, and she expressed surprise, which was gratifying. I explained to her about the enneagram and that we just took it for fun as it is not empirically validated. However, I was disturbed at how much the results resounded with me. At first, I figured I might be reading too much into it and I would be able to see myself in the other types, as well. I went and read about them, and this wasn't the case. I read her a few descriptions of my type. She asked what my takeaway was. I didn't want to answer that because my takeaway had to do with weaknesses in myself, and that felt too vulnerable. So I told her my type is the best type. She asked why. I don't remember what I said. She asked what were the drawbacks, and I told her I didn't remember. She said she thought I did remember and I just didn't want to say it. She was correct. She said the things to work on that I had read her from the description sounded good.

This led the discussion into uncomfortable waters. The therapist said she's sometimes not sure what my goals are for therapy. She asked some question that amounted to asking me for my goals. I said I didn't like the question (which I borrowed from one of Echos's writeups). She asked me why, and I told her I like to beat around the bush [about goals], which seemed to amuse her. She asked why that was preferable to being direct. I answered that feelings and emotions are icky and I don't like it. She wanted to know what feelings are icky for me and I lied and said feelings in general, which isn't accurate. She asked what I thought I was feeling right now. I told her I wanted to flee. She asked if that was because of the questions she was asking and because I was uncomfortable. I said yes. She asked if it was hard to think about having something I was working on with her. I told her I don't like committment. She said I may say that, but I've been pretty committed to coming to sessions and if C is unwell, I still show up for that session, too. I said yeah, but I get anxious when I'm supposed to be doing something. She asked for an example, and I gave one. She asked what the worry was, and I told her that I couldn't control myself. She said that I had been controlling myself, though, and wanted to know why that was. I muttered something about being brainwashed, she asked "by me?," I nodded and she laughed. I said maybe there was some subtle hypnosis or subliminal message or something. But then I started thinking maybe she would think I was actually delusional, so I clarified that I didn't actually think any of those things, but I didn't have an answer to her question. She put forth a few of her own ideas about why, which I neither confirmed nor denied.

She went back to goals. I told her C is too wishy washy to have any goals. She asked if that meant I wasn't, and if so, what were my goals. I wouldn't answer and she said I had trapped myself and maybe I was wishy washy, too. I said no, I just don't like sharing my agenda. She said maybe sometime I would consider sharing my goals with her. I said fine, but we don't have to make a whole song and dance out of it. She said ok.

She started saying stuff about how maybe there are things I want to talk about and she thinks I come because I want to be heard, blah blah. She said she wants C and me to understand how things have impacted our life in a negative way, and how to change that. I told her C's life was ruined, but I'm fine. She disagreed and listed the reasons why. I said I don't like that and I want to be fine.

I told her I didn't like how C had come to the previous session. The therapist noted how she hadn't come for a while, which I already knew. She asked if this was about C being the main person, and I told her I hate that phrase. She asked what would be a better one, and I had no suggestions and whined about it being unfair instead. I said I was jealous of C and I didn't want to share.

She said our time was almost up and asked if there was anything else I wanted to say. I said no.

SH TW

Not today but Friday
Most of the session was about my urges to SH, why I want to, and why I don't really want to try to resist the urges.
He's gone this week, so I won't see him until the 14th. That was part of it.
All the reasoning and trying to suggest alternatives didn't work, because I don't want to.
Eventually he'd tried everything and there was just silence. I was sitting there hugging my knees and looking away from him, as usual. After a bit of silence he asked me what I was thinking at that moment. That's his usual question when there's silence for that long.

Eventually I said "I want to hurt myself."
After a pause he sounded kind of sad when he said "I hope you don't." It was like he didn't expect that to convince me, but it was the only thing he had left that he could say.
I don't remember exactly how I responded to that, but it did get some degree of reengagement out of me.

This was already towards the end, and a bit later he said something referencing some conversations where we'd discussed before that at some point there wasn't anything he could do because he couldn't make me decide to make changes or whatever.
He said something about it being difficult to watch, using the word figuratively. I was mostly being a smart *** when I said "well good thing you don't actually have to watch"
He got quiet for a second and sounded reflective when he said that yes he was glad he didn't have to watch. That it would be really really hard for him to do. I don't remember his exact wording, and I wish I did, but it was several sentences stopping just short of saying he wouldn't be able to handle it. It sounded reflective/introspective, not like when I ask for reassurance and he says that yes, he cares. More like he was actually thinking about it and acknowledging his own reactions. He sounded almost like he wished it wasn't the case. I guess I'm mind reading here, and it's harder when I don't remember the exact wording, but it was like that even if it was necessary he would have a hard time being able to manage his own personal reaction and he was glad he didn't have to go through that emotional experience.

I keep going back to that moment in my mind. Not the words, but the "feel" of the moment. It's not that I normally think he's lying when he says he cares, but this felt different. It felt like he'd find it difficult to watch in the way one would if it was someone they genuinely cared about. And he wasn't convincing himself to feel that way or saying it in a performative way or experiencing it in some abstract way.
I guess I rationally knew he probably wouldn't be able to watch me hurt myself and be completely neutral and detached, but I was really caught off guard by the degree of emotion expressed.

It almost makes me want to not hurt myself. Because it matters to someone.
But also I hate that I really want to ask him more about how he'd feel because I like hearing him sound genuinely upset like that.
And part of me wishes I could actually see how he'd react to it. Even though I know that's wrong.

I hate that I have to wait nine more days to talk to him about this.

I could really use some pocket riders today. I’m so nervous.

hopping in!

Hopping in!

My new therapist, the one I had been waiting for since February, finally called me today. I’m seeing her Thursday afternoon and it looks like I’ll be seeing her every Thursday. I’m really relieved I now have a therapist and that she had an opening before my vacation in a few weeks.

Hopping in if not too late, Goatee.

Thanks, everyone. It actually went much better than I expected. Just trying to absorb it right now. I’m so exhausted. I was really scared beforehand.

Hi everyone.
T last night. I really wish I had LT's recall. But let me see.

She came and got me. On the way back to her office she asked me how life was going. I said, "Interesting." But that was really just the first word that popped into my head at the time. I went to her office and sat down. She sat down opposite me. She asked me how long it had been since I have SH-ed and I told her 85 days. To which she replied, "Hot Diggity D@mn!" Which I thought was funny. She asked me if that is the longest I have gone and I said, "No, I went a year once."


She asked me what I was doing in order to not SH. I said one I had promised not to until Pentecost. She asked, "What's Pentecost again?" Before answering her own question. I told her I've been going on long walks, doing deep breathing, cuddling with my kitties. etc. I told her I was thinking of extending out past Pentecost but that there wasn't any more Religious holidays for a while that I observe so that I thought it would be hard.


She turned around and googled on her computer and basically concluded with me that there wasn't much until September. I told her that I have a friend who has passed away and his birthday was in August so I am kind of thinking of doing that but IDK yet. She asked me about fourth of July and I said, I didn't care about that and then corrected and said, It's just that it's not personal to me.


We talked about my parents being gone and how I had to do the adulting and how that was hard for me in some respects. It's also harder to not SH when my parents are gone. She asked me something, and I said when I SH, I know that it's escalating (needing stitches etc) so that's something I don't want to do. Plus it's expensive going to the hospital and it's embarrassing. She said even if no one knew that I went to the hospital, I would still know and I would still have to pay the bill and I would still have to deal with the embarrassment. She said, "You're a person! You matter too!"


We talked for a little while about my family history. About how my grandpa was given up as a kid during the depression and changed his name to the family that took him in once he turned 18. We talked about my sister and her kids and her husband and how her husband treats her (which is not good) and how there's lots of yelling and not a lot of grace and mercy in that house.


We talked about my mom who can be quite critical and my boss who was cranky with me the other day and it reminded me of my mom and how I just can't say anything. Anything I say is wrong, or the way I say it is wrong. We talked a little about my Mom's bipolar and how that affects me and my Dad.


We talked about SH some more. About how it takes care of everything in that minute. How it doesn't last, but for that minute it's okay. And that is what makes it hard to give up.


I showed her my hand that was scratched by my Kitty and that made me want to SH--but I didn't. Then I showed her pictures of my kitties. She moved her chair closer to mine and at the time it didn't bother me. Now that I think about it, I don't know why it didn't bother me, but it didn't. She said my cats are really pretty and we talked about how adopting pets works.


Then time was up. I told her I would try to work on a date to extend no SH out to until I see her next, which actually isn't too far away, it's on the 18th. And she said that would be good and that she was sorry that I was suffering. I thanked her and then walked down the hallway and out the door.


Comments Okay.
HUGS Kit

SlumberKit, i propose Sept 20, St Eustacius


Eta - im assuming you already considered Aug 15, feast of the Assumption

Thanks UnaLuna

Dislike awkward silences in therapy and I’m a quiet person a lot of the times, but want to fill awkward silences with some kind of chatter, but I dislike useless small talk or talking just to hear myself talk. Have gone to counseling in the past and want to go again since having difficulty in a few areas of life. Need to make the effort to set up an appointment.

Hi T,


I don't know what hapened today, I cannot even tell you if we got of to a good start or where in the session it became rotten. Are you tired or am I tired and projecting? Something was a miss. You asked 'What is the problem' I had disengaged long before. I think today i just didn't want to engage and so i pulled the session down a weird path where i wasn't sure what i was saying or the point. I know i feel like **** for it, for something i don't think objectively is that bad. I am not sure what I have done, but feel you are pissed. When i said i was annoyed you shrugged. I just wanted to annoy you like a child. i don't think i have done that with you before but i know i do it.

I think when you said you didn't understand my diagram. i think that sent me over bored. we stopped pretty abruptly. Also your clock wasn't working so we ran over time. by a lot. I am pretty sure you were tired. me. i think i ddn't want to look at myself because i feel somewhat happy.

Today was much better than the last few weeks. We backed right off from anything triggering and tried to just stay grounded in the room away from anything triggering at all. We were still triggered, of course, because any time spent with this brain is triggering, but it was only a little bit and we managed to keep it well contained.
There isn't much to talk about when you are avoiding everything potentially triggering.
It's a bit like running barefoot across the scorching hot sand in the height of summer.

Today’s session was good. I mentioned the disability benefit assessment first, but said I didn’t want to dwell on it. R mentioned that she has some experience with them in another role.
Then we went straight into the meat of the session, talking about my anger.

‘When I trust somebody new with this experience…often the first thing they ask is ‘Did they ask for money?’

‘Oh.’ That was a sad sound ‘I hear that you feel dismissed then, as if you then think “Well, I’m not going to bother being authentic with you.”, because you don’t really feel heard.’
‘Yes…I have been doing some reading about non-violent communication. There are a number of common human needs, and the one that jumped out at me in my reading is the need for understanding. I don’t mean that I need to know why. I think it is safer if I drop that question, because I can’t imagine an answer that I wouldn’t somehow turn toxic.’

The conversation turned to my anger, about which R had a few more questions. I then mentioned returning to the garden centre for the first time since last time.

‘The garden centre…it sounds like there’s an association there. It’s become a trigger.’
‘Yes – in January 2011, I was in the area where they keep the fencing…three or five days after I had heard that Kim had died. Time gets fuzzy. They have moved them now, but I was blindsided by a display of pet memorials.’
‘I remember. I don’t mean to be harsh, but they do symbolise death.’

R and I had a conversation during which she disclosed that she had experienced a panic attack before, and feels that if she were to go back to the place where that happened, she would not necessarily experience another panic attack, but she would not be comfortable.
‘Exactly.’
R asked me what I would need ideally in that situation. I mentioned that it was mostly reassurance. R asked whether my mother is aware of the situation. I confirmed that she is, though perhaps not aware of the impact.
‘People need to understand before they can offer reassurance.’
I started to talk about the difference between my emotions surrounding January 2011 and Chris’ death. ‘Chris’ death was a soft sadness, but Kim’s was a tidal wave.’

‘It sounds tortuous as you talk about it.’

I agreed aned began to talk about the information that I was given. ‘Unless you’re close family, that is not normal.’
‘No.’

We talked more about this, and R observed that it sounded as though I had almost become trapped in the situation. I agreed and we finished the session by acknowledging that I am harbouring a lot of anger which I don’t know how to release without hurting myself or others.

I had a session yesterday. I couldn't get myself focused. I felt unsettled, like I didn't want to be there, didn't know what to talk about, I felt discouraged and overwhelmed. And that was how my session went, mostly. It felt scattered and disjointed, like neither of us could really get going in a clear direction. It wasn't useless. The effort to try to sort stuff out seems to have started to unblock the logjam. I had good non-traveling dreams, all with a German shepherd in them, and I woke this morning feeling clearer. So often, I wake the day after therapy having sorted something in my sleep.

Yesterday, I talked about not knowing who I am because I feel I've lost my compassionate kind self. I'm feeling a giant gap between the compassionate person I think I am and the boundaried person I need to be, like there's a huge chasm between the two and I cannot cross the line to be compassionate because I need to hold the boundary.

I heard myself say: "I don't know who I am in that gap."
(Even typing that is hard. It's a hard place to be.)

This morning when I woke, I suddenly thought, it is not a gap between my compassionate self and my boundaried self. It is a gap between my compassionate wise boundaried self and that old path, my need to rescue, to fix things, to excuse. I don't know who I am in that gap because somewhere without my noticing there has been a foundational shift. (I think that's a good thing. But it feels...empty, I guess.)

And a snippet related to my last session (paraphrased as usual for brevity), near the end, as we talked about my feeling blocked and tired and without space or energy to let go of all the things:
T- Do you remember a long time ago when you told me you were afraid that if you started crying, you'd never stop?
Me- Mm-hmm
T- And then you cried. And you cried a lot, for a long time. You were carrying years, maybe decades worth of hurt.
Me, sighs, nods
T- And then you stopped. That might happen again. You're not processing it now, and something will happen and you will process it all at once. But I don't think it will take as long. You've worked through a lot of your stuff. So you will be processing more recent stuff, and you will stop crying again.

Then at the end she tried to tell me I wasn't the Queen of...something. Fixing Everything, maybe. And I said "Pssh! As if. I totally am. I have the crown at home, all sparkly."

I just wrote a really long post of my session and it disappeared. Apparently, if you take too long to write a post, you get logged out and it disappears upon logging back as prompted when you click the post button.

it was a really good session.

Be sure you click the keep me signed in button and then that won't happen. When they upgraded the system this week, I had to do that again.

That sucks...I compose mine in Gmail as a draft (so it autosaves), then copy/paste. Glad it was a good session!