In Session Today: Part VI

Fuzzy, imo, thats enough! 80/20! Im surprised your or any t would pressure you like that.

I love you, una. ❤️

Actually, she was supporting me, paraphrasing what I have often said over the time I’ve seen her about myself and my desire to do this divorce my way, as amicably as possible so as to live by my own standards for myself and achieve best outcomes for the kids instead of being angry and spiteful. And, now that I think of it, possibly it was an extension of the conversations in which I have mentioned that my friends give me points for not losing my sh** with the ex.

Thanks for being in my corner, sweets.

EMDR T today

I felt so supported. She supports me so much and always encourages me to remember I am an adult, I am safe, those things that happened as a child are not still happening, I have power and can comfort part of me that didn't get that and always needed it. It feels so freeing because she is not rescuing me or taking care of me but instead pushing that I can do it myself. I cry so much in this therapy. I really hope it ends up heling

Saw T today. It was okay. When I arrived, his car wasn't there and my heart raced. I went in and told him. He said sorry, I said I'm not saying he should be sorry, just noticing my response to it being different. He said that he and his wife were being mindful about when to use the electric car and when to use the diesel. I didn't respond and he said "but that doesn't matter. What matters is your response to it". He asked if I am like that about anything else or if it was specific to T. I said not to that degree. I'm not a massive fan of change but I'm not usually nearly as observant as I am here. I often probably wouldn't notice.
I read him what I wrote in dear t about him revealing too much of his feelings to me. Told him that not all of me felt that way, just the part that tends to emerge between sessions. I'm calling it the teenager. T said that part of me believes it and part of me doesnt believe it and both those things are true. He asked how we can bring the teenager and the child into the room. I said I don't really care about the child and nor does the teenager. The teenager wants some space. He said he was sad that the child is being left, it sounds lonely. He invited the child to play jenga. I said he is making assumptions about what the child needs. Then I said that the child is not very present, I don't know what it's needs are because it doesn't tell me. It seems okay and even if it isn't, it's manageable because it isn't present. What if he starts playing with the child and all its needs suddenly come out and become demanding? I will still have all these demanding needs of the teenager, and the child's needs on top of that. I can't cope with any more unmet needs right now.
I told him that earlier the teenage part had he said he felt sad and he didn't know why. I asked him if he was sure he didn't know why. He said the answer would annoy me but it made him think of the child again.
I went quiet. He asked what was happening. I said it makes me think we can never stay with this long enough to work through it. I told him that I had found some of my writing from 3 years ago and I was describing the same feelings towards him that I feel now. Nothing has changed. I said it feels like nothing will ever change because it is too difficult for us to tackle together.
T suddenly said that he thinks we can do it, and we haven't come this far just to give up now. He said that this has given him some clarity that we need to stay with the ET. He said he kept going to the child and I kept consistently saying we needed to stay with the teenager again and he now realises I am right. He said he said to himself "[his name], you need to be more patient.". He said that we might not always find the most direct route but we get to where we need to be, and we can do this. I liked this sudden determination and clarity in him. I liked the things he was saying. I said I felt heard by him. I'm glad he realised that we just need to stay with this and give the teenager some space, whatever his ideas are about what the child needs. We hugged, a fairly unremarkable hug, and I left.

Echos it sounds like you are strong enough in yourself to continue working through your transference with t. Reading that session thank you btw for sharing it makes me see that I am far from ready to go any farther in this transference work with my t. I feel a little more equipped now to tell her this tomorrow.

Another snippet from yesterday, as time was getting short...

T: Last week, you were talking about (what I was talking about last week)

Me: Um. Well. We're avoiding talking about that.

T: We are?

Me: Well....I supposed I am using the word "we" pretty loosely, since you went right ahead and brought it up.
(talking)
Me: My stomach hurts.

I’m thankful for today’s session. R recalled that I wanted to talk about the safeguarding training, and reassured me that it is mainly about knowing how to escalate things should somebody disclose.
‘You don’t have a responsibility to hold anything.’
I feel reassured by that, although she said that it depends on the training as to whether they go into detail about extremes.
‘Within your organisation, you should have a Safeguarding Lead –do you know who that is?’
‘Yes.’
‘You wouldn’t have to contact anybody. It’s about following the policy set out by your organisation.’
‘This is how you implement it, rather than just “I’m familiar with the paperwork.”’
‘Exactly … How have you been doing?’
‘Given my tendency to gloss over my successes …’
‘Ooh.’
‘Let’s start there. I won a writing competition last week.’

‘Congratulations! What was it?’

‘The educational arm of Faber and Faber publishers post a prompt on Twitter every Friday at ten to ten. You have until 2:30 to write 250 words inspired by the picture and send it in.’

“That’s a fast deadline.’

‘I wrote my piece and sent it in. Winners are announced at 3:30.’

‘Very quick turnaround!’

‘I hadn’t received an email, so I thought ‘Well, at least I’ve tried.’ I thought I’d go on the website and read the winning entries. Read two runners up, and then saw my own name.’
‘Wow! How did that feel?’

‘It felt great. I have obviously had things published in the time that we’ve known one another, but I haven’t won a competition since I was a kid!’
We talked about how validating that is, and I said. ‘The thing I have noticed though, is that I see these things published and think “I could have done that better….”’
‘You won the competition, there can’t be much room for improvement!’

‘No…and whilst I was adding that to my writing CV…I keep two because not everyone needs to know about my publication history…I went online to check the date of something else, and discovered another piece had been published.’
‘Amazing.’
‘I can send links if you would like to read them.’
‘That would be great.’

We talked a bit more about how when I first met R, I talked about my creativity being tainted by my experience.
‘Now, maybe it is influencing what you are writing in a positive way?’

‘I am not ready yet to write about the experience I am still processing.’

‘And is that OK?’

‘I have to remember that it took me seven years after…after Chris’ death, to write what became Stones in the Road. There’s something bittersweet about Stones in the Road. The other experience doesn’t have that quality, although I was talking to a colleague at work a couple of months ago, and he reckons it has mileage as either a novel or a memoir. We were talking about whether the chocolate brownies had nuts in, and his severe allergy. I stood and watched as he picked up a slice of Battenberg, which also contains nuts….Should I say something?’

‘I would have struggled with that too.’
‘I was involved in that situation for eight years. It’s a long time to be involved in something and have it blow up in your face.’
R and I ended up on a tangent, before I asked what we had been talking about. ‘You were talking about things blowing up in your face. I remember that.’

‘Board meeting on Tuesday. Being on the board is a privilege, but also hard. I am used to the Critic – the things I would like to do to the Critic aren’t fit to mention.’
‘That might be a useful session, but the session is yours. Go on.’
‘The meeting was going well, and then…I might need you to move.’
‘Of course.’

‘They said they’d talked to so-and-so at the college, can’t remember his name, but he is important. He said they are going to start selling bits of it, and our building has a cross on it.’
‘Not the lovely Narnia building where you work?!’

‘By the way you said that, I can tell you know what an impact that had on me. I couldn’t say anything, but my inner 5, 6, 7 year old was… “No! I feel safe here!”

R and I talked about my attachment to the building. I am the only person on the board who works there regularly. I described my routine on getting to work, and R said she knows how much it means to me.

‘You’ve invested a lot in this.’

‘The Critic says too much.’

‘The Critic says too much. There are a lot of things in my life that are important to me, including my job. If I suddenly found out that my job was under threat, I would be concerned* too.’

‘We have to make a decision by next July. Nothing’s set in stone yet.’

R asked me what my thoughts were. ‘I can see you’ve gone somewhere. When we invest so much of ourselves in one thing, we are really vulnerable. “What am I going to do without this?...I can’t lose this!”

‘I can’t lose this. At the end of the meeting, I had to discuss something with my boss. She needed to show me an email, and while her computer was starting up, I said “I can’t thank you enough for what you have done for me.” She replied “I haven’t forgotten what you said to me last year about feeling locked up. The world needs you, Lost…and we have to help the world find you.”

‘That’s a really beautiful thing to say. That shows me that it isn’t just the place. It’s what you bring to the place…It’s you.’
‘I feel like I’ve got a superhero cape on at work, but it’s me.’
‘When I picture you at work, I picture you without baggage – birds singing around your head…’

‘Work can’t be all I need it to be…It isn’t all rainbows and puppies, but it’s like coming back out into a storm.’

‘It would be nice if you could come out into a dry day.’

I looked down and noticed that I had locked my fingers together tightly.

‘I want to feel at ease within my own skin.’

R took my hands. ‘That’s important. When you are experiencing positive sensations, use that energy to dream and plan. You might reach a point where you want to move on…I know you can’t go there yet, because that’s scary.’
‘I don’t think that’s in my vocabulary.’

‘You don’t think what is in your vocabulary?’

‘…Positivity.’
‘That was even difficult for you to say.’

‘I admire the way you notice the micro things.’

‘Always looking. It’s easier to be negative in a way, because if you allow yourself to hope, then you can be disappointed. I do it – ‘Can’t allow myself to be too happy…something is bound to come along….’

R said she felt she had been a bit too directive, but it had been a different session than usual. As we talked about work, I mentioned anger, but I think fear often shows up as anger for me. R reminded me to try and stay in the moment as much as possible.
‘You probably get tired of me saying ‘Be kind to yourself.’’

She shared some of her experience regarding hearing about my successes.

‘I feel warmth, and a little bit proud, not just because you’ve done brilliant writing, but you’ve put yourself out there.’
This week’s parting words will stay with me.
‘Well done, lovely. I would be honoured to read your pieces if you send them. Stay in that celebratory mood. I’m very proud of you.’

Part of today’s session

T: You’re looking very worried today, Em. Could you tell me what’s going on?

Me: I’m fine

T: *jokingly* Oh it’s going to be like that today is it?

Me: Gotta make you work for it sometimes!

T: Today is the first time in a long time that you haven’t looked up at me.

Me: *sighs* We still have 46 minutes. There’s still time.

T: I know the past week has been difficult for you. You described it pretty clearly in your email. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to re—

Me: *interrupting him* Oh stop it. I don’t expect you to answer my emails. You don’t have to worry about my feelings or apologize. It’s fine.

T: I usually answer

Me: What’s your point?

T: My point is, You reached out and I wasn’t there for support. And I don’t mean this in a logical/rational way. I know you understand it intellectually. But it seems to me that this has brought about certain feelings. Is that fair of me to say?

Me: I’m confused. Did you not reply on purpose or something?

T: No

Me: Then why are you bringing this up?! Why is this an issue? I don’t care if you don’t answer. You have a life. You’re busy. I don’t expect you to reply to me.

T: Why don’t you expect it?

Me: *getting incredibly frustrated* because you don’t have to! You don’t need to consider me. No one has to. I don’t need the attention!

T: Do you not think you are deserving of attention?

Me: Why are you making such a big deal about this?

T: Em, for the last few weeks we have been working on your self-worth and the shame you feel. I suspect this is all connected. Now of course, I could be terribly off. But I think it would help if we explored it a little bit. Is that something you would be okay doing?

Me: *starts sobbing out of nowhere*

T: Would it be helpful to you if I tell you what I think is happening?

Me: *nods*

T: Okay. Tell me if I am totally off, but I think that often, when you feel like you are taking up someone’s time, or someone’s space, or if you are needing someone’s attention, you feel selfish. You have been told that these feelings are wrong. So when you want to advocate for yourself, you shut it down immediately. You start thinking that you’re needy or asking for attention.

Me: Sounds accurate

T: Em, being needy and asking for attention are not bad things.

Me: I do genuinely understand that you can’t reply to everything.

T: I know that.

Me: But I suppose I did feel even more alone during a very difficult week.

T: You don’t need to do this if you don’t want to, but could you maybe look up at me if you can?

Me: *sighs and slowly looks up*

T: Em, I am genuinely very sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me.

My session went fine today. She’s the only person I actually like and want to see out of all the doctors and specialists I see.

Today the therapist called me Suzanne and was mean to me.

Part of today’s session

T: I’m glad to see you made it today

Me: Well that makes one of us

T: What’s making things difficult right now?

Me: Mostly you and your annoying questions

T: Well I did go to school specifically so I can learn how to ask annoying questions

Me: Then you wasted your time and money because I think you have a natural gift for it

T: *shrugs jokingly* I needed the easy A

Me: *silent*

T: So what is it that you don’t want to talk about today, Em?

Me: Lots of things.

T: Why is that?

Me: Because I don’t want to keep whining about things and I don’t want to bore you with my existence. I’m stupid and frustrating and why do you even allow me to have space here? What is wrong with you?

T: You might not want to hear this, but I happen to like you a lot.

Me: *rolls yes* Did you get an A in Client Flattery too?

T: A- . I couldn’t keep a straight face in class.

Me: *silent again*

T: Em, a few weeks ago, you disclosed something big. And we have been skirting around it ever since. Should we maybe try to look at that a little closer today?

Me: So this Client Flattery class...

T: Em, I know you want nothing more than to have me gloss over this. But I am not going to do that. We are going to have to talk about this. I won’t be doing my job if I continue to let you avoid this. If you are not ready to explore it yet, I understand. But, I would like you to tell me what’s making it so difficult. What is scaring you?

Me: That I will cry and I won’t be able to stop

T: Who says you have to stop?

Me: Well I can’t just go crying forever can I?

T: If you need to let this poision, as you called it last week, out, then you let it out until it is gone. Until it can’t cause you any more harm.

Me: I don’t want to be alone with it

T: You won’t be. I’m right here. With all my annoying questions.

Me: I don’t know where to start

T: How about you tell me where you were and we’ll go from there?

Therapist has some kind of family situation. He won't tell me what the situation is, and he only said that much because I noticed he seemed tired and grouchy so I asked what was going on. He says it is useful to see how I react when he is not as responsive as usual since that relates to some childhood problems I had, but mostly I just think it's frustrating. Hopefully whatever it is will resolve itself or he'll figure out how to act normal again.

Today's session was a marathon. R and I spent most of the time discussing the fallout from my safeguarding training. It doesn't seem that uncommon for people to have triggering experiences during training. She asked whether the facilitators had offered the opportunity to talk to somebody if anything impacted us, and I confirmed that they had, but 'We both know how big my can of worms is...I didn't take them up on it.'

'I would have been surprised if you had.'


We talked about my anger gaining ground again, and intensifying now that I have a 'label' for my experience, whether I want to use it or not. R reminded me that it's only been a week since the training, so it's going to take a while for me to feel comfortable with it.

'We can process it together.'

Session was a bit weird. Spent like an hour talking about my teenage years. Talked about significant teachers I had. I hardly remember any of that part of the session.

Said I was frustrated we hadn't connected. I said that's basically what motivates me to get in the car for an hour and come see him each week and I will go away frustrated if I feel that's not happened. I said I wouldn't come all this way if it was to just to talk about my past. I said it is my attachment that motivates me to actually drive here and spend most of my day on that journey. I said that I know that's bad, that it's all about wanting the connection. I said I dont care but I imagine it sounds bad, maybe to him, or would to others. T said "so you drive here, we sit, we talk, we make eye contact, we hug, you leave. What do you get out of that?" I said "something I need". I said that I think some of it is trying to fill a hole from the past. T said "I think connection only works in the present. I said I had thought, but filtered and not said

We started talking about my sense that it wasn't enough to come just for connection, and that I don't care about the therapy part of it so much. I can't remember exactly what it was in response to, but T said "almost like we're having an affair? I said "I like that thought" then I was like "I want to unpack that but we only have 5 minutes left. T said "what do you want to say or ask?" I said "what did you expect that comment to elicit in me?" He said "I wasn't trying to elicit anything, I was just commenting on your sense that it was wrong to come and see me just for connection".
We hugged and it felt like he wasnt there. For the second week in a row.

I don't know what to think about that comment. I don't know if he is being provocative, or if he doesn't hear how it sounds. He has said a few things which have suggested mutuality of ET over the last few weeks, only really subtly, like this, but I don't get it. I don't know what he is trying to do, or if he is trying to do anything. He has a new supervisor who is a bit of an ET expert, and also psychodynamic, so I dont know if that is influencing him or if he is just.. I don't know.

Echoes, i just try to remind myself that the original parental-infant bond was ALSO quite erotic. It was supposed to be our first love affair. Actually thats a quote from one of the freud books or somebody in a letter or conversation with someone - my memory is not improving with age! - where the t says, "so what are we supposed to do? Just let them fall in love with us?" And i think freud replies bingo.

I see it as retroactively placing the structural brain beam that either was too weak, or never put up to begin with. Only this time, the This Old House guys are putting one in that goes across the old kitchen AND the new living space, and is 3 beams thick and at least twice as long. And isnt wood, its steel.

Thanks Una, my T has talked about that theory too,. He has also talked about how fathers manage it when their daughters become sexually aware, and how some withdraw physical affection and that's not good. Yet there he is being completely absent in his hugs.

I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Opinions particularly welcome as I'm feeling quite unsure of myself.

This sounds frustrating and confusing. My T has done this too. Tends to say things which I then look for the correct meaning of. Has said similiar 'It's kind of like we are a couple' . I have delayed reactions and am never able to say 'what are you really saying here? which would be helpful. You seem quite strong and have an open relationship in that you can ask him 'why he said that or what he meant by it'? he made not give an answer that gives you any further clarity though. I do get where he was going with the affair thing though. I think it often feels like I am having an emotional affair with my T (also married) . There is something exciting about sitting in the room with someone and the feelings of connection.

Echoes I just wanted to say your post really resonated with me and thank you for sending it. I read it last night and it nearly made me cry actually as I've been struggling with very similar feelings - it's not wanting the therapy so much as wanting the connection with T. I also experience frustration and even panic when the session goes on and I realise I haven't felt the connection I need. It's odd as we can be talking about significant things and T is listening and showing empathy as usual...but I don't feel what I need. There has to be some discussion or overt sign of deep emotional caring or I will go away completely dissatisfied. Unlike you, I'm not able to be honest with T about this but after reading your post, plus issues that have come up for me this week around disconnection, I think I need and want to have this talk. My T sounds much like yours in being caring and open but I'm just too scared. I have a lot of shame around needing the connection as well - it feels wrong to go for that even though when I look at my life so far it makes a lot of sense that I would need what she is giving me. It's so hard isn't it.

I can't comment on the ET side of things but I can see how confusing that must feel that he's making these comments., I think for me it would stir things up more, even though it probably isn't the intention. Maybe he's trying to show it's okay to bring these things into the room and talk about sexual attraction? He sounds very genuine. My T is genuine, but sometimes things she has said have inadvertently made things harder to deal with.

Anyway, this probably isn't helpful, but you're not alone and I appreciated your post.

It's really helpful, thank you ❤

Therapy has kind of taken a long turn and my continual crisis’ seem to run the session.
I brought it up and we decided to take another look at our goals. We picked a few and sorted their importance.

Other than my living situation that seems to go on to one crisis after another (and I’m moving, so there's hope these crisis’ will end around January ::so far away!:: )

T asked me if I’d like to work on childhood trauma. I told her that, yes, there’s that, but more immediately I’m still grieving my mother’s death, how it didn’t go as expected, how I regret certain decisions I made, how basically I failed even though I tried so hard. I should have tried harder. Anyway, ‘Mom’ is at the top of my goal list.

Also up there for goals is ...I want the crisis’ to stop! I need them to STOP! Or I may crack. We are working on it. I don’t know if I’ll make it to January if all things remain the same. Yet, there’s no place else to go.

I half joked with T that ‘Intervention’ was on TV last night and 90 days at rehab is looking real good to me!

I mentioned to T I just want PEACE. Not even shooting for happiness, I want peace. But after thinking about it, is ‘peace’ a realistic goal?? Real life has ups and downs...does anyone ever feel peaceful?

Do you feel peaceful in your life? Is ‘peace’ a realistic goal?

I think peace is a realistic goal, but perhaps with a little twist on what "peace" looks like. What I mean is - perhaps peace isn't an ultimate destination, not a place you reach where you then reside in a blissful state of peacefulness, but a haven you create that you can visit along the way. Perhaps you can create moments of peace or a way to reach an internal state of peacefulness even amongst the crises. Maybe there is a way to cultivate moments of peace in your every day life that are able to calm and sustain you even as you experience the ups and downs going on around you.

Today went fine. She didn’t say anything about my weight loss and I didn’t mention it to her or my eating habits lately. I don’t know if I should have or not. I don’t want to get into an argument with her. Or a discussion since we don’t ever argue. I’m sure she’ll eventually ask. But I just don’t feel like being the first one to bring it up.

I had such a lovely session today. I had been feeling stuck and frustrated for weeks. This week I had two dreams about him. It seems that quite often when I find myself in a period of stuckness in therapy, I have a dream, and talking about it shifts something and I feel better. Like it articulates something I can't. That happened today.

I told him I had been feeling stuck and that his hugs had felt empty. He said he hadn't consciously noticed feeling disconnected. I told him about my dreams.

In the 1st dream, he had rescheduled a session and his room was open plan at the end of his kitchen/diner, basically with the 4th wall of his counselling room missing showing the rest of his house. Various members of his family wandered in (including his father, who I know has died irl) and I was annoyed with him. He didn't apologise, or do anything about it, and the only person who did was a random extended family member of his.

Second dream, he butt-dialled me before session and I heard a builder scamming him. I went into his garden. He was there with his wife but they were both much older, really elderly. I told his builder he should be ashamed of taking advantage of vulnerable elderly people.

T said the 2nd one seemed really simple. Like there was an unconscious call for help and I hadn't hesitated in coming to help him. He said it sounded like protectiveness. I said that's really interesting because consciously I think "I don't have to worry about T. T can take care of himself.". T said my dream challenged that.

We said the first one was all about boundaries. Including a literal boundary (the wall) being missing. I said he lacked authority in both - the authority to tell his family to keep out during the session, and the authority to tell the builder to p1ss off.
We talked about whether I don't trust him to hold the boundaries effectively, or think he might be losing that ability. I said that a few of the things he has said have made me concerned about the boundaries recently, and whether I can trust him to hold them. He said he was aware he had been taking some risks, and two images came to mind, one that we are walking along a tight ridge and it feels important to keep going, and another that we should rebuild that wall. He said he doesnt think the wall contains us, he thinks it boxes us in. I said "you dont think we can walk the ridge and rebuild the wall?" he said we can if we flatten out some of the spikes. I said "but we lose something?" He said "I think so". I said I felt seduced (I was reluctant to use the word) by what he is saying and want to say "f*** rebuilding the wall" because the ridge is exciting. T said that the me in the therapy room is okay with that, but it is the me between sessions that suffers and we need to do something that's okay for all of me. (It's weird how he was wanting to take risks when I was feeling cautious, and then we reversed roles - i pointed this out to him).

He kind of asked what, but could see I didnt want to list them all so he just asked whether they were concerned with the I told him I felt much better him explaining that, because, due to my childhood experiences I do sometimes feel some doubt about whether he is able to hold those boundaries, even though I know he would never deliberately hurt me. I said perhaps the way I need to feel safer is that I need to be having meta conversations with him about the therapeutic purpose of what he is saying. T said that's like walking the ridge and minding the spikes, and that makes sense. I agreed.

I said I feel really in love with him. He said he is not sure how the risk-taking and the in love feelings are connected, and we need to look more at that. I agreed.

We looked at each other for a while. I said "I love you". He paused and said 'and I love you".

We stood up and hugged. I said "that didn't feel unremarkable or non-commital. He said it didn't for him either. We said goodbye and I left.

Today we talked about having needs, email and cake. Here’s a tiny snippet of our conversation.

Me: I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been seeing you for two years now, and I’ve been trying to decide whether therapy has been helpful for me or not. This morning I was feeling sort of skeptical. I mean, it’s turned out to be something very different than what I initially expected. I was thinking about how it’s kind of like eating cake. Cake is really good and it makes you feel good in the moment, but there’s really no nutritional value and you really can’t have cake all the time or you’ll gain weight and get diabetes.

T: (Looking at me, nodding).

Me: So, if I want to be healthier, I should just cut out cake. It’s really not necessary.

T: Well, a little bit of cake now and then is good.

Me: I was thinking about how I wanted to email you on Sunday. I thought about it, but didn’t.

T: Why do you think you wanted to email me?

Me: Out if habit. I mean, I had a stressful week ahead and just considered emailing you.

T: So, you had a need?

Me: It wasn’t a need. I just thought it might feel nice to get a response. But I didn’t need anything. And I’m a fully functioning adult. I certainly don’t need to behave like a needy child. I’m not sure any of this behavior is actually helpful to me. I know how to stop it. (We both knew I meant by stopping therapy).

T: Yes, so it’s easier to just not have needs. That’s the way you’ve coped.

Me: Well, sometimes that’s just the way it works. I can’t eat cake all the time. It’s irresponsible, unrealistic and indulgent.

T: Yes, you can’t have it all the time, so you might as well not want it at all.

Me: Well, it’s sort of like when I eat cake. It feels good in the moment, but then I feel guilty afterwards.

T: (Something about how guilt might be a sign of growth).

Me: I’ve felt guilty about coming here pretty much since the first day I met you, so I’m not sure there’s any growth there.

T: I can see how you’re different today than when I first me you. You’re more comfortable.

Me: There’s an overhead fire drill that goes off periodically at work, usually for a few minutes at a time. At first, it was annoying and distressing, but now I barely notice it. It’s just natural to get used to things. You’re sort of like a fire drill. I’ve just gotten used to you. It’s not necessarily due to some miraculous transformation of therapy. Not everything that happens in my life is due to therapy. I mean, that’s sort of self-serving for you to think so.

T: (Laughing) You never would have said that to me in the past.

Me: Like I said, you’re a fire drill and I’ve gotten used to you. I think it’s called habituation.

The session actually ended well. Now I’m left feeling satisfied like I just had my piece of chocolate turtle cake. Later I will feel guilty about it, and by next week’s session I’ll be trying to convince myself not to have it again. That’s my cycle.

Today’s session felt intense, although it wasn’t. R came in and sat down. I immediately said that it felt like a long week. R asked what I meant, and I said that I am still struggling with the implications of what we discussed last week.
R asked whether it was to do with the circumstances in which I ‘found out’. We have talked at length about my experiences, without putting a label of any sort on them that stuck.
‘There’s always been a box,’ I said ‘but now there’s a label, and I’m not sure whether I can put that particular label on that box.’
R recognises that the word is loaded, but does not seem averse to using it. She asked whether I felt like I was back at the beginning, or whether I had simply changed course.
‘It’s not square one, but it’s pretty close.’ I said that I had attempted a collage on Saturday, but it turned into something else.
‘This seems like a safer way for you to engage with your experience than approaching somebody directly and saying ‘Can we talk?’’

‘Yes. When I say to my support workers that I have attended safeguarding training and it was rough, their impression of it being rough is different.’

‘So you can’t really be open with them about your experience?’

‘True. When I try to be open with people about the experience, I often hear ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.’

‘What would you need in that moment, ideally?’

‘I’d rather hear ‘I don’t know what to say, but I can listen,’ but I know that isn’t something you can just offer willy-nilly.’
‘And when you sense that somebody is even slightly uncomfortable with what you are saying, you will retreat back into your shell.’
I described the feeling as like trying to take something out of the oven without oven gloves. R nodded.

‘You thought it was cool enough, but now it’s molten again.’
R reminded me that ‘When things are hot, they cool down eventually. This is hot again right now, but it will cool.’ She asked to look at the collage again, and we talked more about the difficulty of the trigger coming up in a professional context.

‘You’re still in that moment of disbelief.’ I talked about not being able to have a conversation with my support worker ahead of time, because I did not know this would come up.
‘At lunch, my boss asked me how I was finding it. She seemed to know I would struggle with it.’

‘And what was your answer to that?’

‘I said I was OK, which I was at that point.’
I talked about reading the policy again before the training, and considering whether I should say something.

‘There is autonomy there. Do you feel you want to say something?’

‘No!’ I asked R whether she was willing to move, and then, when she sat down, said: ‘I am so tired of being brave and holding it together. I don’t want to appear fragile.’
‘Do you feel fragile?’
‘After the last two weeks, yes.’

‘Before that?’

‘No.’

‘If you were to ask me whether I feel fragile,’ R offered, ‘I would say I feel fragile most of the time. Not to the point that I’m not capable of doing my job, but I have moments of fragility on a daily basis.’

R asked who I was holding it together for. I am still scared of the answer to that question. We talked about fragility, and I said that I put a lot of effort into my work, and like to appear competent.
‘I am glad I wasn’t paid for that training, because I don’t feel like I was operating to the best of my ability.’ I explained that it became difficult to think clearly. ‘Everything seemed to slow down.’

R said she wasn’t surprised, and reminded me of my reaction when a beer bottle exploded in pottery class.

‘You still took something away from the training, you stayed in the room, and you didn’t have a panic attack. If you had been paid, I would have said you deserved a little extra. You seem to need permission to praise yourself.’
‘Yes.’

‘Have you officially celebrated your competition?’

‘..Not yet.’

‘…That was a no…’

‘That’s an accurate translation.

R and I scheduled for next week, and she said she will try not to rearrange.