ok, a lot, if not all, of us are on a forced break right now due to the holidays. i thought it would be nice to support each other on one common thread. Some of us have support messages, etc set up or other such things, some dont... but we can help each other anyway. Maybe something my T said can comfort someone else, or vice versa.

YES whining and being completely pathetic are allowed. YES being all ticked off is allowed. ALL feelings about the holiday therapy break are allowed. I LOVE HIM/HER. I HATE HIM/HER. WHATEVER.

talk about how you are coping... are you doing so by being angry? Do you tell yourself you wont be going back anyway? Do you keep yourself busy? Do you leave messages or emails as if he/she were still there?

do you have a way to reach T in an emerg? Do you have other supports?

everything and all things related to T and the holiday break welcome.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'll start it off...

i asked my T for a voicemail.. and we both agreed that he sucks at leaving just vague messages, but he is awesome when he is answering something. So i called with a list of a few questions and he answered those. He did a bang up job.

i asked about how i could keep connected and he said to think about what had been said that made me feel that, to use imagery, and that it was definitely there. i asked about how he said i had been doing well and i wanted to know what he meant or why.. he gave me several examples of things he felt were progress, and he said that recently i had been more open and trusting. He said he wasn't going anywhere, no time limits or dates or anything like that on therapy.. and he said there just wouldn't be as long as i wanted to be there. He said he knew there would be times when i would block out thinkgs i need to work on and he felt it was his job to remind me of what i had talked about. He said a lot of reassuring things because he knows i need that. He again thanked me for his gift (and again that little bit of almost kiddy excitement crept out ) and told me he had eaten a lot of the cake already.

it was a very useful and calming message.

he booked me in the first day he is back and encouraged me to leave him messages to help me "get it out there."

i miss him and it's 11 days till i see him. So far i am ok.

[Perna]

You and your T's voicemail "system" sounds awesome MzJello, both of you helping the other with what they need to make it work.

I'm tired of it being the "end" of the year, want the new year and new challenges/semester and not feel so "mired" in Chirstmas, winter, 2007/old stuff. I want all these "things" (Christmas presents for others) out of my way, want to do Spring cleaning :-)

[sunrise]

My last session with my T wasn't that great. We talked about how the last legal meeting went and I wasn't that into it. I get tired of that stuff. A couple of times we seemed at odds. I would say something and he would interurrupt, "no, you're not getting it at all," and then he would explain but what he said was what I had been trying to say so I had been "getting it." It felt frustrating to feel reprimanded for no reason at all. I did say at one point after he finished explaining, "that's what I was trying to say," and he said "I know."

I did ask him what he was doing over his break (it will be 18 days between my sessions), and he talked about that and I liked that. In our early days together, I liked how he self-disclosed but did not feel comfortable asking him to do it. I just accepted it willingly when he did it. But recently I am so comfortable with him, I can ask him direct questions about his personal life. It feels good to have reached that point--it makes it more of a mutualistic relationship. For break, he is sticking around and will be doing work around the house. Cleaning up, getting rid of old junk, painting rooms. I want to do some of that too over the break, so I felt a connection there. I also really liked picturing him painting the rooms, getting paint on his clothes and holding a paint roller. That was the best thing I remember about the session.

We didn't talk about the long break ahead in terms of it might be hard for me. I am now assumed to be competent and functional and able to go several weeks without therapy. I don't think he sees me as needing extra support and I didn't ask for it or indicate the break would be a problem for me in any way. Frankly, I didn't think it would. I've been doing really great.

But the last few days have been really hard, and I've felt depressed. Not because of not seeing T but because of specific bad interactions with family members that really make me feel down and the stress of the first Christmastime separated from my husband. I realize that usually if I felt down, I could hold it a few days until I saw T and then he could help and I could let the feelings go with him. But now I don't have him there for me. And times are hard right now.

I guess I feel like his going away is not a problem for me if nothing bad comes up, but it did. So now I wish he wasn't gone so long. But on the other hand, I feel too depressed to go see him. I don't want to talk to him about what the problem is. So maybe I don't want his help. I don't understand.

We have no plan about phone calls. He is not a phone person and it would be intrusive to call him during his break. My expectation is that he is not checking his answering machine over break. I could email him, and actually did the first day after session, but he was still working then, and responded right away. I guess I think he also might not answer emails over his break. After all, he is taking a break, a vacation, freedom from all his clients, so I need to respect that.

He scheduled me for the first day he is back from break. I didn't ask for that and don't know what it means.

Well, that is rambling. Jello, I think it is really nice you made a thread where we can come dump stuff if we need to.

Perna, I want to do spring cleaning too. My brand new vacuum cleaner broke last week and no way do I want to go to the mall to return it to have it serviced. Not during holiday shopping!

Jello, it is really nice for you to hear how much your T liked your cake.

[lauren_helene]

My T scheduled me his first day back as well. I didn't ask T for any in between session contact since he's out of the country.

He usually does not encourage in between session anything buy lately has taken my calls, I think two of them. Since he has done that, I haven't needed more of them.

I hate this break though for some reason. I usually don't think about it when he goes away but this time I am.

I did get a very much unexpected Christmas hug last session! That meant the world to me and after a tough session too.

[MissCharlotte]

I am not counting how many days till I see him because I am pretending it's just an extended week.

I will not obsess--ok well maybe just a little.

I love my T and I will miss him and I will write him letters. I know breaks suck but in a weird way it allows me time to reflect on my growth since we began therapy. I feel like such a completely different person than I was a year ago.

I assume by this time next week I will be in a complete panic. Go figure.

Oh, and I will see him Jan. 3. And our last session was when I was a raving lunatic running around the office spilling water!

Yeah, he said he will be around and I can call if I need him.

[Perna]

We know, sister, the water spilling thing was an effort to have a wet teeshirt contest to rival Pink's sex on the couch?

[MissCharlotte]

OH yeah Perna. A wet t-shirt contest--exactly!!!!!! LMAO

My poem to T in his absence:

Oh let me linger in the softness of your voice
Let my heart be filled with your love
Let me share my dreams and rejoice
Despite the disquieted dove

The longings that remain unsung
Are nearing the surface of my being
Wide open the windows are flung
But the shades are drawn unseeing

[Christina86]

I don't particularily like him at the moment. I thought he was just booked up prior to the holidays - turns out he went on vacation. Way early. Not impressed. It's a different system than most though, since he works through the university... but I kinda wish I had known he was going on vacation over a week early.

He left just when I was going through crises too (my grandad dying, then my dog)... so we're going to have a lot to talk about when I see him at the end of the first week of January... so long away, bah.

I don't know if I trust or like him anymore... in fact, I honestly feel like I shouldnt go back... maybe I dont need to... I so wish I could believe that entirely.

Sigh. I hate conflicting feelings and thoughts.

[ECHOES]

Nice thread idea.

So far I am doing okay. I'm busy, busier than I've been in a long time. I'm also enjoying all this holiday stuff for the first time in nearly 5 years. Both those things help.

I saw T last on the 18th and she is out from the 19th til the end of the year. :-(

Mostly I am okay and then sometimes I miss her so much and I feel so apart from her. If I can, I talk about it with someone who understands.

Also I spend time thinking of her, or journal. I don't normally journal much but she suggested it as a way of feeling connected so I thought I'd at least journal during the time that would normally have been our session time. But when I first felt the longing and missing, I picked up my new journal bought just for this time, and began writing to her. I went on about my cat sitting beside me, loving me but not quite trusting me, so he loves to sit near me but doesn't like to be trapped by my holding him. He loves my attention and affection and loves when I talk to him and throw his toys for him to fetch, play with him. I just kept writing my observations and interpretations and in the end it seemed I was describing me and T metaphorically through me and kit-T (kitty).

I also called her office number the very first day, to listen to her recorded message like I do sometimes, just to hear her voice. I was going to tell her that I was wishing I had asked her to say pointedly to me "I will be back". I will see her on her first day back, Jan 2nd but that seems so far off sometimes. So when I called I was tickled to hear that she'd changed her message to say that she will be out beginning the 19th and "I will return on Wed Jan 2nd"!!! I laughed and left her a message that I was calling to say I'd wished I'd asked her to tell me that she will be back and how delighted I was to hear that in her recorded message that I can now hear whenever I want to!

She is available via cell phone, as she told me several times in the sessions prior to the break. She'll be out of town but accessible. I really don't want to invade her precious time off though and I think I'll be okay.

It's kind of a good opportunity to reflect and recall the many meaningful things she has said and done that have made a difference to me, have comforted me, soothed me, enlightened me.

I try not to think where she is or what she is doing. I choose to picture the room and her chair, empty, like when she has gotten up to adjust the thermostat out in the hall.way... She'll be right back.

[chaotic13]

I'm going to keep busy by visiting family. I'd like to take a trip and visit an old friend. Hopefully this will turn out OK.

I am very much ready for the New Year. I set a few goals last year- One of which I may actually achieve by the new year.

As for therapy, I am deliberately not going to email or write my T to prove to myself just to reaffirm to myself that therapy is something I want to do not need to do. This may be the a**whole in me resurfacing again but I just don't want to feel dependent. Guess I'm just feeling kind of stupid even thinking about therapy.

OMG... wet t-shirts....T shirts?! hahahaha.. and sex on the couch. Oh my! Hahahaha.

My therapist is gone until the 2nd.

Christmas is a VERY rough holiday for us. Being 1,000 miles away from family I feel very abandoned. I should not be with them, but being here with friends and not family is hard - I feel like an orphan. With my therapist being away for a week and a half I just feel abandoned all over again.

I know she's coming back. I know she cares - but I have this irrational fear. That she'll go home, and be with family, loving them of course as she should, but when she realizes how *good* and *lovable* her family is, I fear she'll come back loving me *less*.

I have an incredible hard time with remembering that love does not die as I think it does - that it does not leave when she's away - and does not leave when she doesn't say it. But having to have a long break like this inbetween without being reassured is killing me! Because *I* don't have (what I guess would be called) "object permanence" with her love - I assume she has the same problem - that she will forget me.

With all the struggles of the holiday and her being gone it's just triggering a lot more issues than what I'd like. I also fear that because I am so quick to go numb to it all, that when she comes back I will push away from her because of all the hurt.

Needing lots of support in this very hard season.

Fluffers,
Nice idea!
I'm not enamored with my T right at the moment. He actually had the nerve to go out of town for Christmas. Some people, huh! Ask me again in a minute and I might think otherwise.

[tulips30]

Glad you started this post fluff. I think we may need it. As for me, I am feeling so depressed tonite about my therapist situation, length of time, his unavailability and my inability to handle that I can't put into coherent thoughts/words . I'm really glad and grateful that you guys are all out there and that helps me feel better. Thanks

tulips

[chaotic13]

Anyone filling inspiration/insight void with movies or books?

I rented Peaceful Warrior last night. It was OK.

If you have any good recommendations please post them.

[MissCharlotte]

OK THAT IS IT!!!

Fantasy is gone.

I need my T NOW!

[ECHOES]

Today...

I miss her, I miss her, I miss her.

[Kiya]

Things are in a way just like normal (i'm in a new T relationship) and yet i am more independent now - not really in an "i can handle things" way, but of a "Well F...." and ignore it hoping it will go away sense. I think i've only had maybe 6 sessions with T. Last time she did give me her cell number and asked me to please call the crisis line if things go bad (SI) but i don't think i will if that happens. I just don't know her well enough. I spose that just *knowing* i have her number is enough. I always talk myself out of calling when I probably should.

This break is 11 days - tomorrow would be my normal T day... So i keep thinking - just till Friday, Just till Friday. She did schedule me in when she wasn't going to, so I suppose that is a bonus and I know she is concerned because the holidays are stressful for most ppl (add that by x10 for us, eh?) so she wants me to be able to reach out and have contact during the holiday time.

i have had some doozies come up, lots of triggers and some hard choices to make, but I didn't even write about them (email). I know she won't check her email until probably 15 minutes before i see her, so there's really no point.

I, too, got an unexpected hug at the end of last session (wasn't sure if that was ok or not ok with me, either).

Thanks for the thread.
Kiya

[Kiya]

Stormy - i'm right t/here with you. You said you felt orphaned, and that is just it. Tonight, i finally am away from my abusers and am alllllllllllll alone and feel orphaned. I know they are not good people and i am better off now, but... i ...

I had plans tonight with a new person.verging on friend... but she canceled = orphaned. So now i have 5 hours to kill until church (i got asked to sing in this choir because they are short on ppl - asked by the same person who now won't even be there) = orphaned.

I feel mad at myself too, because i should be jumping for JOY that I am away from abusers.... and yet, i just feel sad and empty.
kiya

[Junerain]

Love doesn't die, I have to remind myslef that, too, I do believe I have a bit of the object permanence thing goin' on in my head......

If love doesn't die does it ever keel over and hurl?

I, too listen to my T's voice on voicemail, it's the next best thing!!

This IS a great time to remember all the good things about T!!

Journaling- what a powerful tool!! It's times like these we could use tools!!

As far as movies and books, White Oleander, About a Boy, Uptown Girls, Girl, Interrupted, Big Fish, How To Make An American Quilt, As Good As It Gets, Never Been Kissed,

and books- Augusta, Gone, Get Me Out Of Here, Tuesdays with Morrie, well I'm more into movies..

good luck to everyone......

[Kiya]

Yeah, i am re-reading Girl, Interrupted. I like the book more than the movie.

[confused4ever]

I thought I could make it through this break without feeling lost with no sessions. But the holidays are hard, Christmas eve was a night of abuse for me growing up.........and tonight everytime I close my eyes I see it.........I am angry with my T over a email he sent me last night, he told me to hang on these few days and don't drink to much, and that I have to see what my husband is doing, even though all this other stuff is going on, my husband wants me out and he doesn't understand why I cannot see that. I emailed him back and thanked him for reminding me of that, like I needed it........................he called today, and I wouldn't answer, I was pissed........now I wished I had........I hate it when I act and feel like I am a kid.........those feelings take over and the adult me goes into hiding...........the only one I hurt by not talking this out was me...........now I have to wait another 2 weeks before I can talk with him.............I just want tomorrow to be over with, then maybe I will feel alittle better!!!!!

[ECHOES]

((( confused )))

[chaotic13]

Junerain,
Tuesdays with Morrie was an excellent book good choice! I highly recommend if you are looking to for something insightful to fill the void this week. That's a character one could definitely try to emulate. I also read Seven People You Meet in Heaven by the same author. I didn't think it was as good. I bought his latest book One More Day for a friend of mine this Christmas but haven't had the chance to read it myself.

I haven't read the others or seen any of the movies you mentioned--I'll check them out. THANKS

How about music??? I was walking today and used my son's ipod. I heard the following song from the Goo Goo Dolls. I've heard it before but for some reason, really listened to the lyrics today--how appropriate. Must have been thinking about forgiveness and found a little in this song.

GOO GOO DOLLS LYRICS

Better Days

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

Hope everyone is coping well tonight!

[chaotic13]

Confused,
I hope you are feeling better. I hate when I withhold or stone wall when someone is trying to help me. For some reason as my kids are playing with their toys I am surfing the Web listening to music.

I looked up a song whose chorus was playing in my head last therapy session. I had talked myself into a hole. My T asked me a question and I just could not make myself answer it honestly. She sat quietly, refusing to make eye contact with me until I eventually answered the question enough to break her silence. I HATE silence and I realized that she knew what she was doing to me. I just felt like screaming the chorus to this song.

Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I live it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't trust to find the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away and find myself today

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

I really hope you are feeling better tonight!

FYI: I really have no idea what this song is really about. For me it reflect what therapy is like for me sometimes.