confused.. maybe if you called him he would call you again...i'm sure he knows to be looking for calls from you right now.



i called most of T's number and stopped. No point in leaving him a message now. He wouldn't get until the 3rd and i see him that day anyway. He said it was ok because it was his job to know what's going on with me... but i dunno.

*sigh... this seperation from my husband is hard. Xmas is hard. It all sucks. In 2 days i'll be all alone here (my parents are visiting right now). No T, no friends, no family... nothing.

[sunrise]

confused, I hope you are doing OK today. I think that was a lot of heavy stuff for your T to include in his email. (((hugs)))

I've been reading Rumi, the poet, during the break. My T often has a book of his poems laying about in his office. A few weeks ago, when I was going through this phase of feeling really volatile and unable to contain my emotions, I was shopping in a bookstore and saw a book of poems by Rumi. I picked it up, opened it, and read the poem on the page I opened to. I so related to it, and it made me feel a lot better to know that a 13th century Persian poet felt exactly what I had been feeling. It made me feel more "normal" somehow to share these feelings with a man from long ago. Here is the poem I opened to:

The Inner Workings
(Rumi)

The inner working of a human being
is a jungle. Sometimes wolves
dominate. Sometimes wild hogs.

Be wary when you breathe.
At one moment gentle, generous qualities,
like Joseph’s, pass from one nature
to another. The next moment
vicious qualities move in hidden ways.

In every instant a new species rises
in the chest—now a demon, now an angel,
now a wild animal, now a human friend.

There are also those in this amazing jungle
who can absorb you into their own surrender.

If you have to stalk and steal something,
steal from them.

[chaotic13]

Sunrise,
Very nice poem, thanks for sharing! I would love to hear some interpretations. According to my son's 5th grade teacher my son's "non-literal comprehension" skills are a bit weak. During the PT conference, I had flashbacks to a college literature course where the "E" grade on my interpretation of Witman's Blades of Grass suggested that mine was weak too. :-) I think like songs or oral performances because I can hear the emotions along with the words.

Fluff,
I'm sorry you are alone this week. Where can we take this thread to help you feel better? I've never tried the chat feature, if that would help let me know. Or maybe chat with someone else.

thnx.. i'm as ok as i can be for the next couple of days. Having my parents here has kept me company and kept me busy. i cooked them dinner last night and tonight and brunch today. Generally we've been eating just you know, pre-fab something or other, or some low-level cooked meal. Yesterday i made korma chicken, butter rice, broccoli and sauteed zucchini with green peppers. Brunch was baked brie with red currant jam and french toast. And supper tonight was steak with my special mashed potatoes and gingered carrots. i love to cook for people. Friday it will be back to raw veggies and microwaved stuff.

for the following week though? i dunno.. chat is nice sometimes but i only can handle one or two people or i just lose all ability to say anything.

talking with people here is nice mckell.. thank you. it gives me something to read and to think about.

[chaotic13]

What is Korma chicken? Sorry I have NO domestic skills what so ever. However when I am off work I do try to make something different. Unfortunately, my attention span and culinary skills are very limited. I can only handle 3-4 cooking steps and a maximum of 20 min pre-cooking prep work.

I found what you said about only being able to chat with a few people at a time funny--I can relate. This summer I logged on and created an avatar in Secondlife. I had heard someone in a podcast mention using it as a teaching tool so I checked it out. I got so overwhelmed when I got into areas where there were a lot of people. The chat line was flashing, I was walking into people, .... total cognitive overload. I decided that the environment would not be a good teaching environment for ME to use at this point. Then 2 weeks later I realized my son had hijacked my avatar, turned her into some Naruto character and made a bunch of freaky looking friends who would teleport and play with him when he logged on. I was amazed at how fast he adapted to this new environment.

If you are logged on and want to chat let me know. I don't like just jumping to a room when people are already chatting for fear they are not wanting additional company. I also feel weird just entering a room and waiting for someone to join me. Well...now I know why I haven't tried that feature yet :-) Not sure what the chatetiquette is here.

it's very open and accepting generally.. the main room (psych central) and the social room are open to anyone to just jump in.. no worries about interrupting a conversation. you just log on and say hello.. tell people you are new to chat. You'll find it pretty easy. There are other rooms, like support and people go there when they really need help, or if you feel like you can offer support to someone else. There's a 21+ room and a teen room so those groups can chat when they dont feel like being in mixed company. Usually both groups mix well, and sometimes not.. different issues, different life experiences and age gaps.

other than saying hello and goodbye there really aren't many rules as far as what you have to say, i mean if you want to you can always ask if its ok to join a conversation.. you have to be polite, etc, but i think that applies anywhere on PC.

korma chicken is an indian dish.. coconut, lime, creamy, tangy... YUMMY.

[confused4ever]

I like that poem and that song, feels so much like how I feel.

My t did email me yesterday a couple of times, I did respond to him and told him how difficult the day was, my husband took the kids for the day and left me alone.......which I didn't want, but it doesn't seem to matter what I want these days.......the whole day was hard.......today isn't much better. I could call my T, but I feel funny about interrupting his break. He emailed me first yesterday so I didn't feel so guilty about responding. I thought about going to the hospital last night, but then I figured I don't really care right now. I hate what has happened to me, and how I feel about me..........don't feel worth it.........

[chaotic13]

Confused, sorry you are feeling so down. Is there any thing small that you could do to raise your spirit a bit. Maybe a bubble bath, a walk, rent a good movie and curl up with some popcorn? I've recently been on a weird kick where I listen to some old music I have. When I find myself enjoying the song, I find the lyrics online and journal little bit about why I liked or connected to the song or describe how it makes me feel. Its seems to be helping me be a little more aware of what is going through my head and its keeping my mind busy. Today I've been sticking with up beat, energizing songs like Dare You to Move by Switchfoot. Maybe you can do something similar to express what your feeling or to change your general mood. For some reason it seems to be helping me at least at the moment.

[lauren_helene]

Tonight would be my normal session night but alas, he's in another country.

I'm sure that I am a distant memory to him by now

yeah, i feel that way too almeda.. and mine hasn't left town that i know of. i cannot possibly ask.. but it would help me a lot if i knew that just on a blue moon he happened to wonder how i was doing. It would help to know he thought about any of his clients actually... then there would be that once and a while chance for it to be me.

tomorrow is the last day that i will have company. After that i wont even have friends around until the 6th. All alone. i dont mind some of it.. lots to get done... but it's the nights i dread.

one week till T time.

confused.. my heart breaks for you honey. you sound so alone and down. Take whatever comfort your T is offering and allowing.. call if you need him... you can work on the guilt later.

[Kiya]

Now i'm down - needing support - my T scheduled herself with me (rather than the front desk) because she knew i'd need it. I called today to confirm... this is so messed up... originally, today was T day (scheduled by the front) but T told me she'd be gone today and the front desk "knew that". So she scheduled Friday. I call today and they still had me listed for today but said she's not in and they have me for the 2nd. Not only do they not have me down for Friday, they scheduled someone in that spot.

*cries*

I've got alters and one attacks the body when more than a week pass without therapy. As i found this out today and learning that yet another week will pass, that alter took over and desperately sought to harm the body (while at work). Some reason, there is no SI tool to be found (unlike every other day).

I'm just at a loss. i can't tell the front desk or her how angry I am or scared because i cannot allow self to be like abuser. But I don't know how to get through this next week. Some major stuff came up and i needed to be there.
Why is it always ME who has to reschedule when there's a glitch?!!? Why not the person they messed up with?!

=( kiya

[tulips30]

Kiya, I just read your post and I know exactly what you are saying and feeling. My previous t that "disappeared" did that to me several times. He would pencil me in to his book and the front desk would do something different. I was always the one that ended up losing my appt., and it made me feel so angry and hurt. I felt like an idiot and a complainer if I would say anything or be upset. Every time it would happen, I was the one that lost the appt. and not the other person. I'm getting upset just telling you about it. YOU are NOT wrong to feel that way. I know it doesn't help much, but I wanted to tell you that!

tulips

[confused4ever]

((((Kiya)))) I am so sorry, maybe yourT just didn't relay the message to the front desk that it is your time slot, and she will correct it........

It is 2:00 am and I tried sleeping and cannot, it is two weeks now since I had more then a few hours sleep at night, the dreams are awful and vivid!!! Do you think this is all coming out because of my husband and I are not even speaking anymore? we share a house.......doesn't even feel like roomates anymore, he hates me and wants me out.......I don't blame him.........I am not worth being around!!

I need a hug.........my kids hug me, thank god.......but I feel so alone and cold inside right now, my suicide other is so dominant right now, it is hard to keep fighting. My T told me in a email yesterday that I have made wrong decisions since the abuse started 30 years ago. That it wasn't my fault, but how I grew up thinking that things were mine to keep a secret and keep everyone happy, and from the choice of taking care of mom and forgoing my career to marrying my husband that just stepped in and took my fathers role as dominant. I never saw him that way, I thought he loved me, but T says you cannot love someone and abuse them, not in the true sense someone loves someone and wants the best for them always, abusers can care and be gentle at times but only for their own benefit.....it feels like my entire life is one sided, like I loved and thought I was loved........ that is so sad to think about, how can a father not love his daughter? I hope my father is happy how his daughter turned out!!!!

[Kiya]

((((((((((Tulips, Confused)))))))))))))
thanks. *sigh* there's just nothing more to say.... it can't be fixed... i don't even know if she'll call tomorrow in regards to the message i left. i don't even want to go back and deal with it- ya know? Like i just don't care any more. Like it re-affirms that i really can only depend on myself and my bad coping skills (at least they work). At least they're there.

Confused - your t is right, a person cannot love and abuse another. My mom doesn't get it - she tells me how much my dad (abuser) loves me and how if he knew how i felt, he'd be really hurt.

[tulips30]

{{{{{confused}}}}}} I can tell that you need a warm, loving safe hug right now. I wish ai could give it to you, but alas at my cold computer this is the best I can do.

I seem to be really connecting on a personal level to the posts tonite. I relate to yours as well. I married my husband as a "daddy " replacement as well. Mine left after years of drinking and sexual absue when I was 11. It was a blessing to have him gone. But, the repercussions have lasted a lifetime. I do understan all that you are saying.

I am thinking of you right now and sending you my love and compassion. I truly am. Please know this and we will both try to get some sleep


tulips

[confused4ever]

(((((hugs to us night owls)))))))))))

I wonder how long the body can go without sleep??? they say it makes you hullucinate and thinking is messed up, sounds like my everyday reactions even with sleep!!!

I keep trying to tell myself that they had to love me in some way, some little way. I married my husband to replace my father, I never left the situation just created a new one. My dad died when I was 25 his last 5 years, he tried so hard to make it up to me, what he did. I fell for it, hook line and sinker, I was so desperate for his love in a normal parent child way. Now I feel like I just betrayed myself more. My T says I played the program my whole life, until mom died two years ago, then with the depression came all the truth, I knew it was there before but I was stil in the programed mode, and doing and acting as I was supposed to. Maybe it is true, it made sense reading that, but it hurts to realize you spent your life thinking you were loved and you were the only one doing the love.

I am told I cannot leave the house, if I do, my husband will use it against me to win custody of the kids, he sees a lawyer tomorrow, to start legal seperation proceedings, even thought I know he doesn't want me, and I know that the reasons we are married are messed up, I don't want a divorce, I don't want to or know how to be on my own!!! I am sick.........I am so used to this behavior, I don't know how to not be in it.............my T gets frustrated with me for not seeing it, maybe I see it, but don't want to.........i don' t know anymore..........I don't want to hurt my kids, put them in the middle of a custody battle......it is wrong to do that.......it is wrong to fight over them, they are not objects.........my T says fight and protect me and the children.......he is a good father..........better then their mom right now!

[sunrise]

Yes, hugs to us night owls!

confused, do you have a lawyer yet? You really need to get one or you are going to get screwed. Please get one right away for your own protection. Once your husband files papers, you and your lawyer will need to respond within a certain number of days, so it is better to have the lawyer lined up beforehand. I know it's so hard to do this in the middle of feeling such pain over being abandoned and feeling you were never loved (believe me, I am right there with you), but you have to. Don't give up.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I don't want to hurt my kids, put them in the middle of a custody battle

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Then don't put your kids in the middle of a battle. Reach an agreement with your husband that you will share custody. He gets them for so many days a week and you get them for so many days a week. You can split it 50/50 or however you and your H determine is best for your kids. My H and I are separated and split time with the kids about 60/40. Your lawyers can help you make this custody agreement. Just because you are splitting up doesn't mean you have to fight over your kids and make them objects in a battle. You and your H can make your kids a priority and reach a peaceful agreement.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I don't want to or know how to be on my own

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, it can be scary to be on your own after many years in a marriage. As part of your settlement, you can include spousal maintenance for a few years (aka alimony) until you can get on your own two feet and support yourself. Your settlement could also include additional funds for you to go back to school to get more training to enable you to get a better job. Settlements can be creative. You need to tell them what you need so it can be considered. Your lawyer will help.

Please go out and find a lawyer immediately!

(((((hugs)))))

[confused4ever]

I have an appt in two weeks with a lawyer, I dragged my feet, I know. I had an appt about a month ago and cancelled. I didn't want to believe it was over. I guess I still dno't that is why I am not acting. The amount of pain I am in, feels like it cannot stay inside anymore........its like feeling sick to my stomach and if it would just all come out, maybe it would feel alittle less painful.

Have you ever felt,
your life was just mean't
to be there for
everyone else, that you
are lost in the role of
being someone else!

I have realized so much
these past few weeks, none
of which I want to believe!

How can a father not love his
daughter, how can a father
have sex with his child?
Does he not see what it
does to his child?

Does he not care and close,
his eyes to see someone,
else that is not there.
I think it is all about him,
that I was put here for dad,
and that is what he saw,
the moment I arrived!

He taught his son's well,
how to use their sister and
throw her away when done.
I beleived their lies, everyone
of them. I thought I was someone
special at first, then I felt like
I was dirt and not worth the
shovel to pick it up with!

I am trying to see that
it wasn't me, that I had no way
to stop what they were doing to me.
I told my mom, and she said to
just let them be, if I wasn't a slut
they wouldn't want me. Watch how
you act everyone else can see,
your asking for this, I told you
not to lead them on that way!

I am grown and still feel,
that I am a horrible person for
the things that I did. I believe it
was me. I mean how could it not
be if I just left from one to find
another. How can one person,
not be loved, but love them
no matter what they have done!

I would of had a child who,
would be 27 today, but he
is no longer but another bad
memory for me.Did I have the
right to take his life away? I didn't
have a choice I was told to
make him go away. My mom who
I thought would protect me, just
gave into what was said, and
took me to the hospital that day.

Some days I feel like I can
do this, and walk away. But
lately I feel like I should be
the one that lost her life that day.
I think that I lost what ever
part of me there was left,
when he first put his hands
upon my chest.I remember that feeling
like it was yesterday, my mind
racing thinking he just slipped
and his hand must of betrayed him.

I ran to my room, and closed the
door, hoping that this was the
end of it all. But little did I know
it was the beginning of my hell,
from that day on I lost who I was,
I became someone to use,
and use all the time, the ones
that I thought loved me didn't
really at all!

Today I don't feel much better,
all the memories are back, and
with them comes the feeling of
death.

I married a man, I thought
loved me also, but now I see
I went from one to another.

I still love him, with all my
heart, and I know that is messed
up, but it doesn't help. He is
going to go, no matter
what I say, I feel like that kid
again, if I don't say, it will all
be alright, I was meant to
feel this way.Use her in anyway,
she won't fight back, she will
be that good little girl that was
the way.

I don't understand how people
can hurt others and not even
care. My feelings are deep, I don't
like to hurt the ones I love, even
though they don't.

I am trying so hard, to do what
I should, he tells me to protect
my children and me. I can protect
my kids, but I am not worth it,
whether it is my fault or not,
all the abuse, I haven't figured
out how to come out.

am I worth all this? Can I stay,
can I someday say I survived and
rebuilt, and I am stronger today.

Right now, I don't care, it would
be easier to give it all away, to lay
down and tell God to take me away.
He won't for some reason, and I
cannot figure it out, why would he
want someone like me anyway!

I am trying to fix it, I really am,
even though it doesn't seem to
be seen that way. but getting
lost in these thoughts isn't easy
to climb out, once they have you,
your miles away from feeling
like it is worth it.

I will try again today, for my kids
sake, but don't hate me if I fail,
and don't feel it was anything
anybody else said or did. It is
those messed up wires, inside
of my head, that keep repeating
to me that I am here to be used
by them again and always.

I will try what you say, stand
up for me, protect myself and my
family. It is something new, and not
sure I can do, but if I don't try
I will lose the ones that want
to help me.Asking for help, is so
hard to do, it is easier to just
be abused. The guilt, the shame,
the feelings of worhtlessness,
are ones I am used to, but asking
for help is new and not something
that I have ever learned.

[sunrise]

confused, I am so glad you have found a lawyer. That is a big first step. If it is too scary to go alone, you can take a friend or relative.

Thank you for sharing your poem. I'm thinking of you.

How is everyone doing? I hope everyone is okay and hanging in there.

I was doing pretty ok until today. This would be our second session of the week.

I didn't see her at church, which I knew I wouldn't, but hoped anyway for some stupid reason. She may or may not be there this Sunday, it just depends, and I hate hoping.

My littles keep wishing and praying SO HARD that she'll call us just to check up on us, but she shot it down when I asked if we could call her to touch base. Holding on to false hope, every time the phone rings and it's NOT her, I want to curl up and cry with my child alters.

[Kiya]

my t called and said it was her fault and she is trying to fix it. she said she expects me at regular time tomorrow.... i keep waiting for this to fall thru again - i don't want to get there tomorrow and be turned away (i may never return if that happens). I think i will call again tomorrow and verify the change.
((((((everyone))))))) - hope everyone is doing ok and getting through this time!
kiya

Kiya that is great. I didn't think it was fair that you would have to miss a whole week on account of her double booking.

I also hope everything is getting through this tough time. I was lucky enough to have the support of my T through the holidays, but I am no stranger to what it feels like when he goes away. Keep hanging in there everyone.

[sunrise]

That is great news, Kiya. Your T is making this work for you. Scheduling errors happen occasionally and I am sure it was not personal--you know, stuff happens! I have had my T double book me 3 different times with another client. It can be tense to show up in the waiting room and have another client there too. Twice I got the slot and once I "lost" to the other client. But I was OK with it because T asked me so sweetly to bow out and let the other client have it and made room for me the next day.

I am feeling a little better. Not quite so down. It has been nice to have a little time off on my own with the family out of town. Yesterday I just did what I wanted, did not clean up the Christmas mess at all; I slept when I wanted, ate when and whatever I wanted (I made sauteed mushrooms and spinach, which to me is Nirvana), and was totally unaccountable to anyone. It was great!

Last night I felt well enough to work on some legal documents: Last Will and Testament, Power of Attorney, etc. I am having surgery soon, and you never know. I want things taken care of if for some slight chance something goes wrong. I definitely don't want my husband (we are separated) getting my share of our estate, which he would if I didn't have a separate Will. So I am taking care of stuff and will go to the bank today to get the documents notarized. I guess that doesn't sound too cheery, but I've felt so down it wasn't possible for me to do this task. Today I hope to continue with getting stuff done and clean the house. Tomorrow I'm back at work and tomorrow night my kids will be back with me.

I am on an 18 day break between therapy sessions and am on day 8 today. This is the longest break since the one over a year ago between our very first and second session, which was 27 days. Only day 8. Not even halfway there. But I still don't know what I would say to him anyway when I see him. I feel like telling him I miss the days when he was my therapist. Sometimes I do not feel like he is my therapist even when I am in his office with him.

I had a dream last night that our financial guy for the divorce, with whom I do not get along well, was taking a 3 month vacation to Mexico starting February 1, and it was setting our divorce back yet again.

Have a great day today, everyone.

Sunny, when my T went away, during the 2nd week he was "not my therapist anymore." It was so much easier for it to feel like that than to feel the hurt of missing him.

When he initially told me he would only be at the center on Saturdays (before we moved to the new office) I told him he was only my partial-therapist and I missed the days in which he was my full therapist.

Glad everyone is checking in.