[sunrise]

Thanks, pinksoil, for sharing that. Maybe I have been protecting myself. I felt strongly our last session before the break that he was not really my therapist. I was sitting there in his office supposed to be doing therapy with him, and I just looked at him, as an outsider might, and felt "who is this guy?" Nothing we talked of was therapeutic and I felt impatient with the whole session--it seemed pointless, why was I there? But maybe it was just a defense mechanism, preparing for the long break....

Yeah, I think you were already protecting yourself-- who is this guy? Well if he's a "stranger" then why would I miss him?

[MissCharlotte]

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Glad everyone is checking in.

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Pink I feel like you are the girl scout leader here!!!

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I felt strongly our last session before the break that he was not really my therapist. I was sitting there in his office supposed to be doing therapy with him, and I just looked at him, as an outsider might, and felt "who is this guy?"

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Sunny,

This is so interesting because on my last session before the break we just chatted and connected. In a weird way I think it made it easier for me to leave the room when time was up. Do you think T does that to protect us in any way?

Peace

[sunrise]

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sister said:
Sunny,

This is so interesting because on my last session before the break we just chatted and connected. In a weird way I think it made it easier for me to leave the room when time was up. Do you think T does that to protect us in any way?

Peace

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sister, I think it sounds wonderful what your T did. Maybe he was trying to protect you by giving you an extra shot of connection before you parted. I hope it helped. My T and I were pretty disconnected in our last session. I don't think he deliberately did that to make me draw back and protect myself. He is more transparent than that. I think it was just one of those disconnected sessions. My T fills 3 roles for me and the last one added on (divorce coach) may be the straw that broke the camel's back. I was OK with individual therapist and then couples therapist, but divorce coach may be more than I can handle. I feel he is not my therapist anymore. I feel like I want to go back to how things were, but it's impossible to return to the Garden of Eden. It makes me feel sad and kind of hopeless.

[MissCharlotte]

((Sunny))

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It makes me feel sad and kind of hopeless.

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Awwww Sunny. I am so sorry you feel so down. Do you want to visit my cave? It's now been decorated by Perna with pictures of all my friends from PC.

You and T have had such a strong therapeutic relationship and you always felt that you were healing within this relationship. Can you go back to having him just be your T? Consider discussing this disconnected feeling with him and see what comes up.

Peace.

[Perna]

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Kiya said:
Yeah, i am re-reading Girl, Interrupted. I like the book more than the movie.

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I'm the same way with Ordinary People.

ok, i am officially sick of this now. i have another week to go.

i'm tired, so tired... the pain has been bad lately. It has been a real help to have someone else to take the dogs out a couple times a day. And it's been nice to have company, and people to cook for (who actually appreciate it). It's been nice having them here.

i need T's support

tomorrow i will be alone

[Kiya]

I am glad everyone is checking in too - this thread has been a lifeline!

((((pink, sunrise)))))... yeah, I ... i just dunno... sometimes she is my t, other times i am "on my own" - i don't know which is easier. I am relieved that she mended the mess up and terrorized that i now have to tell her how upset I was and ready to quit altogether. I am still ready to quit - i have to change jobs and have no idea when i might be able to get in. Quitting might be better than thinking i could have support if i could fit it in. I'm not wholy attached to her, but more than i thought if just knowing i have an appnt each week keeps me stable.

Health and prayers to you Sunrise on your surgery.. and Reiki if you like!
kiya

[Kiya]

Confused, is your husband hurting your kids or treating them the same way he treats you? If so, you DO need to get custody so protect them. that is not putting them in the middle- it is helping them, the way you were not helped when you were a kid.

((((((((((hugs)))))))) i do hope you are ok,

[confused4ever]

Ok, I get what your saying about not feeling like he is your T during that session, sometimes mine will see that I am disconnected and he brings me back by talking about just things, food, what he likes to eat or make and asks me for some of my recipes, or we talk about work, but then he doesn't get back to the session, we spend all that time talking about just things, which I don't mind, but not the whole time, I know he is trying to help and feels that if we talk about normal stuff maybe it will lighten my mood for abit. But before I know it the session is over and I have the same issues that I wanted to talk abouit to hang onto for another week!!

No my husband is very good with the kids, and with the exception of one night that a arguement esculated with me hitting him first, then him hitting me back, we don't do much of in the lines of arguing, we just don't talk much, he is great for making me feel like I am two though in front of the kids family, friends. Always questioning what I am doing.....if I am doing it right.........he knows I hate that.......

Yesterday he saw our lawyer about the divorce, this is the same lawyer that is helping us with a land dispute right now, he has been our lawyer for years now. So he comes home and tells me that one of us has to leave, and it isn't going to be him. At first I believed him, called my T, because I was confused, thinking that I was going to have to leave, and leave the kids, because he said he wasn't going anywhere!! My T never got back to me, but his voice kept coming through loud and clear, that nobody leaves the house until a legal seperation has been filed. So i called our lawyer, at home.....my husband lied to me, to get me to leave, our lawyer told him he couldn't represent him in this divorce, conflict of interest, he did tell him however that he can represent both of us as a mediator only, if we can come to a respectable agreement on everthing kids, assets and so on, and if we went that route with him as a mediator and no lawyers for the two of us, then one of us would have to leave the house before we filed and saw a judge..........he never told my husband that I had to leave, or that he was going to be his lawyer on this........I was angry..........but at the same time pretty proud of myself for not lying down and taking it and leaving because I believed him!!!!!

so has anyone ever heard of a mediator for a divorce and not having a lawyer??? I wouldnt do it anyway, because I know it would be all about him and nothing about me........I hurt so much right now, I just want to curl up and make it all go away!!!!

i have heard of it.. it was suggested to me by a counsellor. But your lawyer was right, it absolutely HAS to be an amicable seperation for it to work. Yours is not amicable. From what you describe your H would pretend just to get you to leave first. From the little i do know i would tell you NO! don't do mediation. Your H sounds anything but amicable.

Right now, despite how we got to this point and all the pain that went with it, i think my H and i could do mediation. Neither of us has any desire to hurt the other or take anything from the other, we don't fight, in fact we get along better than we have in a long time. i still have a lot of fear regarding H.. and with very good reason. i lose it whenever he does something off track because of how bad things were.. but in the end, right now mediation would probably work and be cheaper.

that is the primary benefit, it's cheaper due to not having two lawyers. Fees are cheaper, less back and forth, etc.

It is not an option which allows for protection of individual interests if there is any sort of dispute. It is only useful if both parties can calmly and quickly work out terms.

[sunrise]

confused, good for you to call the lawyer and get the straight story.

Yes, I am familiar with mediation. This is where a trained person called a mediator (it does not have to be a lawyer) meets with the spouses and tries to help them come to agreements. But you still can each have your own lawyer, and the lawyer will help you decide on what is best for you and what to try to get with the mediator. Sometimes the spouses will agree to share a lawyer and just have one. I do not recommend this. GET YOUR OWN LAWYER. Your husband can have his lawyer, and you can have yours. confused, because of your situation, I believe you need your own representation. Do not agree to not have your own lawyer! You can still do mediation with each person having their own lawyer, in fact, this is the most common form of mediation. I would also advise, if you do choose the mediation option for divorce, to get a trained divorce mediator, not a general family lawyer, no matter how much you like or trust your and your husband's family lawyer.

It is not true that one of you has to leave the house. Total b*lls**t. This is the reason you need your own lawyer, because your husband is lying to you and trying to take advantage of you. In fact, if that is the way he is going to be, mediation may not work for you at all. Do not leave the house. If he is being abusive, you can ask your divorce lawyer to file a court order to have him removed from the house. Along with this order would be filed another court order for temporary support. This is if you are financially dependent on your husband, the court would force him to pay you money temporarily so you and the kids don't starve and can keep up on mortgage payments or rent. This order would remain in effect until you have reached a legal separation or divorce settlement.

You really need to see a lawyer as soon as possible. (Can you call to have your appointment moved up?) You shouldn't be calling your T (for legal advice) when your husband tells you that you have to move out. That is a legal question and it is your lawyer you need to seek advice from. (But yes, of course, call your T whenever you need support!) If your husband keeps lying to you and trying to force you to move out, it can be considered threatening behavior. Keep records on all the crap your husband tries to pull like that, including dates and his exact words. This could help you in court if you need it.

When you meet with your lawyer the first time, ask him/her to explain the different types of divorce: litigation, mediation, and collaborative. (I am doing collaborative and am not sure that is the best choice for everyone!) He/she will help you choose the one that is best for you. In some forms of mediation, the couple is in the same room as the mediator trying to work things out and the two lawyers are not in the room but available for consultation. In other types of mediation, each client sits in a separate room with his/her lawyer and the mediator goes back and forth between the rooms, bringing the latest offers from each for consideration. I am going to send you some Internet links that describe the different types of divorce. It can only help you to know a little about this before meeting with your lawyer.

Good luck to you. You are being strong. PM me if you need more details on divorce. Unfortunately, I have become somewhat of an expert.

[chaotic13]

How is everyone holding up? One week down for me 2 more to go. I've been doing a lot of introspection, exercising, and some much needed coursework. Being home with the kids and husband all day long is getting to me a bit ;-)

Just curious how you all are making out.

[Kiya]

2 more weeks!! ((((((((((hugs!))))))))

I got my appnt afterall, but it didn't go very well... she felt we weren't connecting, i felt i was being attacked in a kind of sneaky way and put up barriers. this time i only have to wait 5 days.... hopefully it will go better next time.

Now the big change is that i need a new job. I also feel like things internally are shifting and that worries me some. I tried to define it to T but she just looked at me confused. She's an anxiety specialist, so she may have no understanding of what i am talking about.

I look at things and while seeing them, i also see other things and feel like i'm falling apart... ie; i saw a white VW van and while looking at it i felt like i was being nudged into a different reality than my actual one of driving to T. I kept seeing flickerings of other things that I couldn't comprehend. We had a blue vw van - very different from the one i saw... but we knew ppl who had one like that. Both tend to make my skin crawl for some reason. I am unclear if these are flashbacks, or panic, or my induction to insanity... afraid to tell t, but when i tried, it didn't make any sense anyway.

[shame]

everyone - everything is triggering me - shaky inside - much sadness - emotional. How to deal without withdrawing ? .. Up - down - every feeling is heightened ..it is miserable... no T until Jan 11 ..

[ECHOES]

to all here enduring the break.

Because I've been feeling deperessed and aggitated and it won't go away, I called to leave her a voice mail message hoping it would allow me to feel better.

Her voicemail message box is full.

I wanna be where she is.

[MissCharlotte]

Writing in from my weekend away--

Echoes,

Write her a letter! Mail it or not but write all you need to in a letter. Say everything you would have said on the machine.

I highly recommend it. I wrote one last week. Today, before I left home I was very anxious and somewhat flooding so I called T, left a message about what I was feeling and said I knew we wouldn't be talking but that I had these thoughts rolling around in my head so I was giving them to him!

Both the letter and the message really helped.

Best wishes and big hugs to all who are missing T.

Peace

[chaotic13]

Writing letters or email really help me too. I do it sparingly but when I do I feel better. Also by the time my session comes around again, I've usually forgot what I wanted to say. If I've written my T often uses it to start the session. I kind of like that too. I hate being asked..so what do you want to talk about today? If I've written that question is bypassed.

[sunrise]

I am feeling really, really down, due to continued problems with my 13 year old daughter. She has major problems, and if that sounds negative, I'm sorry. I have tried to be positive and upbeat about her for many years. Just like I tried to be positive about my horrible marriage and pretend it was better than it was. I have a habit of always trying to see the bright side, and maybe it is less painful to pretend things are better than they are. I feel like no one takes me seriously when I try to get help for my daughter. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. I don't know what to do.

I am 10 days into my 18 day break from therapy. I want to go to T's office, sit down, and say, "Please listen to me and believe me. Please really hear me and what I have to say. And then please suggest what I can do and where I can go to find help. This is so much more important to me than the divorce. Forget the f**king divorce for a minute and listen to what I have to say about my daughter. Help." That is what I would say to him. And if he won't listen to me or tries to brush this aside, all I want is a referral to someone who will listen. I am so at the end of my rope with this.

Only a couple more days...
Everything was going great while she's been gone.
But then I had a melt down today. I had 4 back to back nightmares, have to work the night shift tonight, am overly tired and emotional about past abuse issues and other "memories" etc. On the way to work I was doing my hair in the car while my roommate was driving and I just completely LOST it. I am NOT a crying person and I just ended up bawling...
I can only hope, and hope that I will see her tomorrow at church for a brief reassurance that she still exists.

[Christina86]

I am slowly going crazzzzzzzzzzzy...

I think I may have done something stupid. Booked a T appointment when I'm supposed to be in class. I hope not. I'm kinda freaking out right now. If I doublebooked myself, then that means T gets pushed back - probably for another week.

Please let everything work out. Sigh.

I promise I wont scream at my family. My family drives me absolutely freaking bonkers. I need to remember stuff about how to deal with them but I've forgotten already. No more mental breakdowns, pleaseeeeeeeee...

8 more days...

[Kiya]

You can make it Christina! Keep breathing

[Christina86]

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Kiya said:
You can make it Christina! Keep breathing

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((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))) thank you.

[sunrise]

Haven't been posts here for a while. Does that mean most everyone has been reunited with their T's? Or people have been doing better coping with the absence?

I realized that my break from T is 19 days, not 18, as I had previously thought. I am now on day 13. There was a point early on where I didn't feel like he was my therapist anymore and I didn't know him. That seems to have passed... I have been thinking lately about things I want to talk about in our first session back together. I think that is a sign that I think he is my therapist again! I think that is good?

Very good sign, Sunny. See? You have internalized him. You just needed to put him away for awhile to keep yourself safe from too much hurt. Maybe now it's time to take him out again and start planning. :-)