Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Taking out the batteries in my scale helped a ton. I slept good last night. I'm still weighing myself today on my moms scale, but just quitting at night will help a lot.

I don't think its the Saturday night issues I had last week. I had stomach issues over 10 times today and I just really don't think I feel good physically. Mentally I'm pretty sure I'm ok tonight.

I would be really grateful if you could be closer when we talk on Thursday.
There are certain days when the tenderness outweighs the rage, but I don't think I've reached a point where I can remember Steve with the same....energy yet.

The best therapist I ever had once told me I need to learn not to tell on myself.

You were good today. I think it makes a difference when I am an adult instead of an argumentative, arrogant teenager. You are irritating, but I suppose you can't help it. It really helped my sense of our alliance when you said you find that stuff shocking. I could dress that up as validating, or being heard, or some other therapeutic crap, but I think it's as simple as the young me really liking being noticed and you paying attention to how **** her life is ... was ... whatever, whenever, we are, I am.

Thank you for offering reassurance today.
Balancing what I know and what I feel is the hardest thing.

Dear T,
Guess you aren't changing your mind on that. At least maybe you understand a little more why it's hard for me when you won't say anything about where you're going?

I do think some of this is missing closeness and connection with people. But maybe what you said about age is part of it--maybe it's difficult to feel the same closeness with people as I did when I was, say, 18? Or 12?

I guess it's just really hard when I feel some degree of connection/closeness with you, then it's like BOUNDARIES! Nope, not saying anything about where I'm going.

Maybe it's not possible to feel connected to people like I wish I could beyond fleeting moments? Or at least small stretches of time, like a few weeks or months or years. Maybe I just need to appreciate those times (with whoever) for what they are and not expect anything to last.

Love,
LT

I should email you since you probably want to know whats up. You really encourage emails between sessions. And I've been worse these last 2 days. But I'm too tired for an email. I'll figure one out though soon.

Dear T,
I want to share that thought I had from the mammography waiting room about human connection. To discuss it tomorrow. But I'm not sure if I should? Also, whether I should bring up an idea I had for another way to handle the break that would help with my anxiety, while you can maintain your privacy about where you're going. But I'm afraid you'll just be like, "nope!"

I want this to all feel in a good place before you go away. But I'm not entirely sure how to do that without just avoiding talking about anything related to the relationship--or your going away. But maybe that's what i need to do? I don't know. Or at least avoid that Friday.

I wish you were the sort of T who might be open to some sort of relaxed, fun thing on Friday, like a game or something. But I suspect you'd say no to that. I suppose I could ask... Or if I could show you some pictures, like old family stuff, but you might be weird about that, too. I would say we could discuss my writing, but, well, that's what got us into the most recent mess, so... I guess I could ask if there's something you've done with other clients for a lighter session. Other than just "let's avoid all deep topics."

I don't know...

Love,
LT

I'm sorry for butting in LT, but everything in your post just reads as what would trigger him the least. You aren't truly free or safe to discuss what YOU actually need as the focus has shifted away to prioritising him.

The relationship has always been an integral component to your therapy. It does seem like something you need to discuss, however painful it might be.

Thanks, Lemon. You're right. But I also don't want to feel the shame if he says something like playing a game is too friend-like, for example. Or if I suggest an idea to deal with the vacation and he shuts it down. I don't want to be trying to seek connection, then end up just feeling less connected or, worse, rejected.

The pandemic version of him might have been open to those things, but I feel that version is gone now for the most part, except for little moments that remind me he's still capable of being that therapist to me. He just chooses not to (granted, he thinks it better in terms of boundaries), and I have to figure out whether I can deal with that.

Anyway...

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session I mean, much of it was difficult to talk about. And if I think of some of the words out of context, without the way you said them, with body language, tone of voice, facial expression, etc., then I might feel differently. But I felt empathy and caring and attempts to understand from you.

What you said regarding the other client really affected me, as you could probably tell. In relation to the teacher, yes, which is how you were sharing it. But also in relation to how you continue to think of and care about former clients, even one who actually threatened you. That you'd likely continue to think of and care about me, even if we wind up having a bad ending. And I suppose I applied that to ex-MC in my mind, too.

And I'm glad you're open to a lighter session Friday, whatever that will entail. I'm surprised no client ever asked you about playing a game. You didn't say no, but you also didn't say yes. Perhaps I'll throw a deck of cards in my purse, to be ready.

Love,
LT

Really trying to not get upset by your response to me saying that maybe I’m too broken, too crazy to get better and maybe this is what my life is always going to be like. Telling me that no we can’t know whether I will ever get better and life might always be like this but I just have to hold hope that things will improve was pretty stinging.
Like I get what you’re saying, there are no certainties when it comes to therapy, but it kinda felt like you were saying that I am broken and crazy. I don’t know what I wanted you to say as you know I’m not a fan of toxic positivity but that felt a little brutal.

And then your response to our conversation about suicide and me asking you whether you would even care if I ended it all and your response of ‘it makes me sad that any human being would feel like there was no way out and choose that option’ felt like a cop out. You always do this, make it clear that I’m no more important to you than any other human being. That you don’t care about me any more than any other random person.

I sometimes wonder if you do this on purpose to cause ruptures as you know I’m stupidly sensitive and pathetic I am when it comes to stuff like this.

I hate therapy. It feels to hard.

Dear T,
I've realized that playing a game is probably a bad idea for a couple reasons (even if you would be OK with it). If we were to ever do that, I think we'd need to have a discussion about it beforehand. And I'd need to give it more thought, too.

I might show you a few old photos though--that would also keep the focus on me, while also letting you see "Little LT" (or at least younger LT, as I'm not sure if I have much in the way of little kid photos here at my house, or at least that are easily accessible). Maybe letting you see my parents and late grandmother, too. I figured out a way to show you that wouldn't involve having to sit/stand close to you (which would be how I'd normally show someone photos, but I doubt you'd be comfortable sitting next to me on the couch, and standing next to your chair, which I think is what I did with ex-T, feels vaguely awkward, too).

Oh, and my mammo results are normal, so I'm relieved about that. (I was afraid I'd hear next week that I needed to come in for another scan, when you'd be away.)

Love,
LT

I had a bit of an epiphany this morning as I was logging into work and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna share about it in Sunday's CoDA meeting. I feel so lucky to have found this particular meeting; it's a very comfortable fit for me with the folks who attend, so I feel like I can be my real self with them, tears and all sometimes. It's already been 2 months since I started working the program again, how time flies. I'm ever so grateful that you brought it up again when you did in May!!

I went to an online grief workshop last night.

The writing prompt they gave was painful, and yet pointed...as if it was just for me.

'I thought I was safe...'

I didn't mind you being a few minutes late since I had to do things myself and the extra few minutes was helpful.

I mentioned doing IOP in 2020 and mentioned that whole fiasco about being forced into it during my last Christmas before I moved and being cut off from my therapist. You said it must still be impacting me if I'm still talking about it this much later.

Idk.

Its not like it was before with her though.

Do you know that when you email me pictures you took with your phone that you then send as attactments it shows your home address?

I didn't look you up or anything but like should I tell you just so you are aware or will I just sound like a creepster if I mention it? My mom said you probably don't know about it.

Dear T,
I know you were uncertain about the photos thing, but I think it went well. I still feel OK, even good about it. And I think you got some insight into a few things, even just seeing my parents' house.

It felt nice that I wasn't crying for once when saying good-bye before a vacation. Or fighting back tears. I meant it when I said I hoped you had a relaxing time (and that you'd have safe travels!)

I mean, maybe sometime before a week from Monday, I'll check in to make sure you're alive, if I'm starting to worry for some reason (and I still wish you'd give me some inkling of where you're going...). And of course if some major outside life thing happens, I might send a more substantive email.

But I'll do my best to just hold onto the fairly connected, OK feeling from today.

Travel safely.
Love,

LT

You pushed back. There's spirit in you. Thank god.

Hi R,

God knows if I'm going to be able to stick to the plan we have arranged for the first session back.

Thinking about hearing his voice after all this time feels really hard.

Who the hell and I holding it together for...and what am I trying to protect myself from?

There's a reasonable possibility of me becoming soluble, but I know that you can handle it.

The question is whether I can.

See you in a few weeks.

Take care,

Lost

I didn't eat much today because my stomach feels a bomb dropped into my lower intestines, and I have the chills in a heatwave.

Dear T,
I miss you. I had two intense, productive sessions with R and think we've maybe figured some stuff out. Which is good. But I want to talk to you about it.

And I want to talk to you about the stuff that's been going on with D. It didn't seem like enough to warrant an email, but I really could have used your guidance (and it would have been too much background to share with R, plus I wanted to work with her in her areas of strength).

I'm used to updating you every few days. I keep thinking, "Oh, I'm going to tell you about x" then realize I won't be seeing you until Monday. I even looked for your car out of habit when I parked in the lot for R.

I'm trying to just sit with the missing you and be OK with it. I think it was easier over the weekend and until this morning, because I knew I'd be seeing R. Plus you invoiced me Monday, so I assumed that meant you still existed.

But now it's nothing until Monday, as I think R is away, too. I know I should go do things to take my mind off it, but it's going to be miserably hot, and I already have a migraine today from it, so I just want to hide inside. I don't even have much work to do now (that was all due this morning). I suppose I could work on my writing a bit. And more reading the book on meaning (and maybe I could get that other book on meaning that I was discussing with R).

I'll do my best not to email you. I think it will be easier if I think of it day by day. Like, "I won't email you tonight." Then tomorrow, "OK, I won't email you this morning...this afternoon...tonight." And go through it that way. To also think that if I do end up sending something, that's OK. To see it more as a challenge to myself to not do so. Like, "Let's see how long I can go!" And celebrate going however long that is (it's already been 5 days--halfway). Rather than to think it will be a failure if I do so.

Anyway, hope you're safe and healthy and having a fun and relaxing time, wherever the hell you are. And that maybe I cross your mind for a few seconds at some point this week.

Love you,
LT

I went on a little rant on our little color chart homework if that's okay. You did use the word "journal"

Dear T,
Miss you. Holding strong on not emailing though!
Love,
LT