Couch 246: Choose Change

Thanks, Una. I feel like Dr. T and I keep inching closer to getting it right. We've had some productive conversations about the "love stuff," for example. I think we both understand the other's point of view much better than we used to, so we can generally mend things more quickly.

Dr. T's email reply suggests he understands what was going on with me yesterday, why I reacted the way I did both in session and my thoughts later that day. Even a couple years ago, he would sometimes be completely mystified as to why something bothered me. So, I think (I hope!) we should be able to work through this pretty quickly, maybe even just using part of Monday's session for it. Though there are larger elements that I think we'll need to talk through at another time.

The wedding is long overdue.

But I haven't finished crocheting the dress yet!

It's Christmas today If you're Orthodox.

Don't worry you'll have time, to do the flowers too.

I always imagined Una's couch wedding would at Vegas with Elvis. A very classy affair.

https://www.boredpanda.com/i-crochet...dding-flowers/

It was snowing here for a little bit this afternoon, big, lazy, drifting snowflakes. Pretty, when I don't have to go out in it! It stopped already.

What's the coldest it's ever become in AZ?

My uncle lives in Canada. That would be too much snow for me.

not sure about the whole state. but where i live, it got down to 6 degrees F in 1913. brrr!!! i'm in the valley though. I'm sure it's gotten much colder than that like up in the White Mountains and places like that!

eta: Mt Lemmon, not tooooo awful far from me, is 17 degrees F right now brrr!!!

Glad he has responded to you with some understanding LT. It sounds like sometimes he is just activated/triggered by some of your questions/requests and causes him to respond in a less skillful way...Perhaps a mix of personal comfort levels, even maybe attachment style stuff -you attempt to move closer and he pulls back etc... mixed with him trying to uphold the boundaries so become acutely aware of that in the moment.

Thanks, Smiley. Yeah, I think it's the mix of both of those--comfort level and attachment style.

Today's session did not make me feel safer, as he said he hoped to do in the email. Just made me feel more distant and like just another number in his pile of clients. (Note to people trying to give reassurance: "You're not unimportant" is not overly helpful.") He had an opening tomorrow (otherwise booked, aside from our appointment Thursday), so will try talking again then. Maybe it's pointless, I don't know.

So, as mentioned above, today's session was difficult and painful, but it did have one moment of levity (and embarrassment, on my end).

In his email, he had said that he thought anything short of "full-throated approval" of my emailing him to update him on my H's surgery would have left me feeling disappointed. I referenced that, but instead of "full," I said, "deep," and didn't realize it until he started laughing and pointed it out. Then I was laughing awkwardly. And he was laughing. Didn't help that, before he pointed it out, in my giving an example of "deep-throated approval," I said, "Oh, yes, please! Definitely give me an update!"

Sigh...

I'm sensing a theme...

This is my style and comfort level - more than that to anyone not a lover /family member/long time close friend would be over the top gushing in my world. And I would say it to lover/family/friends on some things.
Also I would find it as comforting as I find others in general. More than that said to me from an acquaintance/ non close friend/family would be over the top insanity as well.

Probably why people here don't find me super warm and fuzzy even when I think I am being smothering

Just a thought, but have you considered reducing sessions to once or twice per week instead of three times per week? That way you're still holding onto the connection and the good parts of therapy with him, but you're less dependent on him to regulate your sense of "safety".

You seem to be a very high functioning adult (not in crisis). Therefore, with even slightly more time between sessions, you could potentially build your own internal sense of resilience and safety that did not depend soo much on his moods and responses. Sure, his responses would still matter to you and your feelings around them would be great sources of therapeutic fodder... but they wouldn't have to destabilize or shake you in the same way. Hope that makes sense.

That's actually something I'm working toward. I only stuck with 3 times a week for the last few months of the year because I realized that we would hit our insurance out-of-pocket maximum, so the extra sessions would be free, like we'd be paying the same for twice a week vs. three times a week. And I'd intended to reduce starting around now, but my H is having surgery, which is causing increased stress for me. Was supposed to be just twice this week (and last week), but will be three times now.

I hope to switch to twice a week by mid-February, as things settle down. That would also give me space/money to add in something like a weekly yoga class, an art class, or a similar thing, where it's self-care/stress-reducing, but not therapy.

This actually helps to hear, so thank you. I tend to think of what it would mean if I said something, rather than thinking of what someone else might mean by it. Like maybe Dr. T thinks he's being very warm, by his standards, but it feels cold to me. Because I would express it differently. Sort of like how he and I define "love" differently. So maybe this is a good thing to discuss with him.

My first thought with “full throated” would be oral sex too.

I’ve never heard of approval being phrased like that.

I had to convert that. -14.444 degrees celsius Is very cold.

Do you normally prep for winter?

The Texas freeze made it into our news too.

I tell everyone to prep, but I’m terrible at doing it myself.

Has anyone else (in US) contacted the 988 crisis text line? I feel like I'm just annoying them and being ridiculous. And I'm unsure when it's OK to just be like, "OK, I'm fine, gonna go now" without them like calling me.

ETA: seriously, like they have to be like, "OMG, this person is so neurotic." The person replying is trying to be understanding, but I feel silly trying to explain. It's about a conflict with my therapist, plus my husband having surgery tomorrow plus I'm afraid schools are going to close entirely or early tomorrow, meaning I can't have the extra session with my therapist to work through this. Which just sounds so...ridiculous. Ugh, I hate myself right now. Also, I wasn't 100% truthful, but close enough.

LT - I've used their crisis text line. I find it harder to explain the situation through writing than talking, especially with them. Though I like the text line because you can do it privately when you're in the house with people. It's a hit or miss with who you get. Some are really good at listening and offering advice. Some push skills. I would rather a listener than a skill pusher. I have trouble getting off the line with the bad counselors. I don't want to continue with them, but I don't want them calling the police on me either! Though one time I had to hang up on the guy. He was making things worse.

I'm sorry you felt bad enough that you needed to use them, but also glad that you do have that as a back up.

Pain at the end of the day is still pain regardless of what caused it.

Hope you do call them for extra support.

Thanks, Scarlet. That's exactly why I was using the text line--didn't want my H to know I was doing that. I lucked out in who I got, I think. She was a listener. Even though I felt sort of ridiculous explaining why I was upset, she took me seriously and asked lots of helpful questions. I think I just needed someone to talk to for a little bit to help ground me. My experience made me feel good about using them in the future.

Thanks, Lemon, that helps to hear. Was a text thing (though I think you can also call), and it helped.

I'm glad she was helpful.

I think learning DBT skills could also help you too the next time you are distressed.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dialectical.../dp/1684034582

Ugh, i woke up to so disgusting. I had a hard time getting out of bed one-handed! The sinus on that side is whistling dixie now though. You could fly an airplane thru it. Usually its blocked. I hate my nose. Its always plugged.

Boy i woke up cranky this morning! Usually i let her sleep!