Couch 252: Kitties and Hawks

You were lucky to escape with your life, laughs, love!

Thank goodness for darts.

It turns out that R's summer plans are similar to last year - fully virtual for the month of August, for the same spurious reason.

What is unclear as yet is whether I also have to factor in a break before we switch to virtual.

I'm glad I put the work in to shore up my support system last year, so I won't have to rebuild it this time.

I don't think she understands the impact that it has on me, though.

My job is currently safe. I worry about it being safe in the future.

The last week has been so stressful. My mom had a knee replacement surgery as an outpatient and a few days later was admitted to the hospital for fluid on her lungs and there were several hours that I had no information and she wasn't answering her phone and I was scared she was going to die.

Then the layoffs happen.

Yesterday in the middle of a bunch of meetings to learn about the new way of things at work I learned that the third uncle in 6 weeks has died. I had my therapy session 20 minutes later. I don't even know what I needed to process.

Then I had my last "session" with Patrick. It was less of a session and more of a reconnecting. We talked for an hour and a half. At the end I told him how much he has meant to me. He said to me the thing he said he wouldn't say to a client. He said "I love you", not as an individual statement, but as part of a sentence that I can't really remember. He told me that I had really affected him and that he would think of me and that he would miss me. I don't think he's really willing to shut the door completely. Sending him life updates was always on the table, but he did say that the offer to meet in person the next time he's in town is still on the table and he told me that I could email him and he would respond and that he trusted me, whatever that means. He said that if "the $hit hits the fan" to contact him.

This feels so hard. I really feel a hole in my life now. Even though we were only talking about once a month, that's not going to happen anymore. I'm feeling really down today. I have a therapist and she's nice and I can talk to her, but I don't feel that connection to her. I miss feeling that connection.

Feel like this was peak 2017 era.

What you’re carrying right now is a lot, and it’s completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and down. That wasn’t just therapy, it was also a meaningful human relationship.. It’s okay to feel the loss, to not know what you need to process, and to sit in the “I don’t know” for a bit. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Just know this pain will shift. Maybe not quickly, but your heart will find a new rhythm.

Also 1983!

Maybe you could ask for clarification from R which would help your own planning and ease your anxiety?

I appreciate that, Cake.
I will ask her to clarify on Thursday.

It's frustrating that we have spent so much time on her stuff lately.

I don't know how to talk about the ongoing impact of Steve's death, or my inability to say his name...and I could do with support in figuring that out.

Now I feel like I am on a deadline for therapy, in terms of how much I can process before the switch...

Taking grief at your own pace is absolutely vital. If saying his name feels too raw right now, honour that boundary. That honesty gives them a clear signal of where you’re at emotionally, without forcing you into discomfort.

Maybe it was just my own rebellious nature, but why does she have all the control about the upcoming summer break? Perhaps you could set your own deadline for what worked for you. If it was a co-created plan it might sit better with the switch.

I wasn't around for that party.

I got a free copy of the book Eat Pray Love.

That seems like it could fit too.

Thanks Cake,

In a sense I should have known it was coming.
I just thought she'd take more notice of the impact this kind of thing has.
One of the legacies of lockdown is that the option is now there...but virtual feels like a threat to me, because of the change in the conversation.

Lost

That’s a tough shift. So the elephant in the room is also the expectations. What are your expectations from her and what are hers for you?

Do you feel like you're missing the routine and grounding nature of in person sessions?

How could you replicate your usual routine at home?

Also don't forget to go over the tech issues that always crop up.

Naming what you value about in person sessions can help her understand how and why it is a big a deal for you.

I think my thing with the ophthalmologist is ending and I'm sad about it too. We had our thing for 38 days.

We've had plans to meet up for the past two weeks. He lives around 2h away from me.

The issue is that he always cancels our plans at the last minute. The first time was because he had an emergency shift to cover on his day off. This happens all the time so I accepted it. The second time I travelled 3/4 of the journey to him and he still didn't travel the 28 mins to see me and I went home without meeting him. Today we were supposed to meet at a train station. I went to bed checking if he would cancel at night, but he hadn't and had confirmed the 1pm time.

I messaged at 8.11 am today. Saying I hoped he'd come.

At 9.07 am he messaged saying when he'd book his ticket he'd let me know.

11.11 am He messaged saying there was a problems with the trainline and it was cancelled. So he couldn't come.

I took screenschots of the train timetable . None were cancelled and had good connections to my city. I told him he could have taken a bus, uber or taxi to the main train station then caught the connecting one. Then he apologized and said I was right, the truth was that he was in a depressive episode. He wasn't feeling good and generally wasn't most of the time.

I honestly believed that he would come today.

It's not him having depression that I have an issue with. Logical me knows that his behaviour is unreliable and that trust between us has been broken, but apart from all of the issues about meeting up I really liked him. Loving him just left me hurt.

I've cried a lot today because of him and F. I need to give my heart a break.

Thanks Cake,

Sharing the same space is part of it, for sure.
The big fear is feeling alone with the intensity of emotion.

I'm going to ask her to send a meeting ID with the link, as using a meeting ID seems to be a good work around for the tech stuff.

I have a flameless candle that I can use to replicate that part of our routine.

We'll still do the breathing practice at the end of our sessions, for sure.

I appreciate your understanding and supporting me to work through this.

Hugs if wanted - I'm sorry the ophthalmologist (most random h in the English language?) let you down.

Take care,

Lost

Yuck,

It seems that the summertime changes to my support system have already begun.
I usually have assistance on Wednesdays, and once a month the time changes to allow me to attend an art class.

Today was meant to be the art class, my support person knew about it, and yet the visit was somehow cancelled (due to sickness) with half an hour's notice.

Relying on other people sucks sometimes.

Lost

Sorry you weren't given any notice about the sudden cancellation. It's not the same, but there's lots of free art class groups you could join online. Or you could learn at your own pace.

10 Best Free Drawing Courses for Beginners for 2025 — Class Central

I had deleted the sessions and messages from my phone and laptop. Given that it had been over a year since I last spoke to F.

I found an old WhatApp message I had taken a screenshot of and it made me cry reading it as I didn't remember sending it. I held a lot of guilt because we never fixed our rupture. I did feel like I wanted to book a session with him, one of the reasons I didn't was first the expense, but also the fact that I felt self conscious about my size even though I was the same as when he first met me.

Well I was slightly messed up, but I was proud of how I still showed up .

"Having had a bit more time to think now that I'm not just purely reacting. Things might not have ended the way I expected them to, but I did still want to say thank you for trying to help me. In particular that extra 15 min phone call always stood out for me and it meant more than I could say. I'm sorry I couldn't make this work and for the extra stuff I threw at you when I was angry. If I'm being honest I wish you no ill will either. Even though it doesn't change anything. I did and I do love you. I don't need a response back. I just didn't want to leave anything unsaid. Best wishes. S"

Cool Whip!

Lemoncake, just checking in with you.

How are you doing, Lost? You coping okay? Did the art class ever start back up?

Hi Scarlet,

Thanks for asking.
My next art class isn't until the first week of August.
I went to another art group at the museum today, but it wasn't quite what I expected.

I called in all the support I could over the weekend to help with the anniversary of coming to understand the context of Steve's exit.

My contact at the helpline suggested some reflective writing, producing two different versions of my experience. One factual, one focusing on the feelings.

The factual piece was detached, but as I got into the feeling piece, I realised that I was crying.

Keeping the feelings at a distance makes the day to day 'easier', but I know what I need to do.

The question is really...do I have the courage to 'go there'?

RC explained how I can deepen the practice she shared with me and make it more specific.

I hope today is being kind to you.

Hugs,

Lost

I’m glad you’re getting support. I’m kind of doing the same thing with factual versus feelings story with L’s pregnancy. I know our two stories are very different, but the contrast between factual and feelings can really say a lot.

I think diving into feelings can actually be helpful. Cathartic. And scary. You need to feel safe in order to unpack them, and have skills and support to pack them away when you need to function. I do believe it can be very healing.

I’m still struggling with my depression. Not really with SI. Having L back has actually helped a lot with the SI. I just get so overwhelmed with anything that I don’t do anything. I stay in bed all day unless my family takes me out. But! My family took me out all last weekend and I actually had fun. And this weekend I get to go out again too. It doesn’t help me with my responsibilities, but does with my mood.

I'm glad that having L back has helped on that front.
It's great that you have the opportunity to go out.

We all need things that help with our mood, as much as what we need to do in the world.

Apologies for the late reply, but thank you so much for doing so Una.

Firstly I always take photos of everything. I currently have over 15,000+ photos on my phone. Going through my camera roll, I found that I had more screenshots and a picture of F I had taken which I thought I had deleted. My brain needed to make a timeline and I could because of the old images, I asked him for a session in Nov 2023. Waited to hear back after a week and then I blocked him. I later found out he had been ill enough to be hospitalized before Christmas. So that could explain the no response.

Then I reached a point where I stopped hating him and just went on with my own life and I no longer checked in on what he was up to.

I cried on the bus about him today, but I was cycling through every stage.

I start volunteering at a new charity tomorrow and starting a new non clinical job soon might help.

The ophthalmologist messaged me again on the 6th, I ignored him.

I noticed that he was looking at my dating profile on sunday. Then he deleted the messages he sent. We got talking when I asked what he had deleted then met up today instead of tomorrow which we had initially agreed. I was wearing my gym clothes, had messy eyebrows and my usual glasses instead of contacts, as I had gone out with my sister and other friend .

He guessed my prescription. I teased and said I felt like he was judging me and that I was too cheap to pay for lens thinning. He apologized for the way he had treated me. That he didn't mean to hurt me. He started to cry about how depressed and burnt out he had actually been with work. That a 2.5h trip seemed so hard which is why he cancelled. Mentally he couldn't do it.

I told him if we were to be a thing again, he had to start therapy/ get treatment for his depression and he had to communicate, that the depression couldn't be an excuse. He said he had an appointment with a psychiatrist this week and that he would .

Compared to the other previous date I went on where I felt uncomfortable for most of it- I felt like I could actually relax with him. I really liked him from and we held hands. ( I was in my early 30s and had never done this with a man before and he didn’t push for more physical contact ).