[little*rhino]

Safety... feeling "safe" - what does that mean really?

i am strugglnig with this with T. It's like "trust" - I had no idea what trust even meant. It took me well over a year to figure out that it means i can't make him the bad guy. When we talk about something and the thought/feeling pops into my head that says "T wants to just get rid of me," i need to trust him... meaning i need to remind myself, i need to give him credit, i need to *know* that he would never think or do such a thing. Trust means relying on what i know about him and "us." It took me forever to grasp that trust in him was about not trusting my gut reaction sometimes. Icky...

Now i am really trying to understand what being "safe" means.... what does it mean to you? i mean, really. We all know it means not being eaten by a shark or something..

but what does it mean internally? What does it mean beyond knowing your T isn't going to just laugh at you or physically harm you? Does it mean something more? Is there an angle i am missing here?

i know he won't laugh
i know he won't hurt me intentionally
i know he won't tell me it's stupid

but something stops me from being able to physically *say* what happened to me in the incident we are dealing with... i wrote it down for him and his response was that it made him feel physically/emotionally sick inside. So he knows what the incident is.. but still, nothing comes out of my face. i cannot say the word, name the one feeling i understand in what happened. i want to.. i try.. i cant seem to.

he says that safe is what i feel it to be... but i think i am just not grasping the base concept... like how i missed the trust idea.

little help?

[Christina86]

I hate the "safe" thing... I don't feel safe many places, it's more with certain people.

I think it's not fearing rejection and judgement. I think it's got to do with trust. I think feeling and being safe are different things ... but feeling safe, to me, means I can say whats on my mind. But I think almost total trust needs to be built first. And talking about past issues, especially bad ones, is *always* hard, even if you do feel safe enough to do it. My being safe means I don't go out of my way to hurt myself. One place or situation where I will not try to hurt myself, where I am allowed to just "be" as I am.

I probably just talked around in circles...

But is there any *PLACE* where you feel safe Candika? Do you feel safe with T? Or with others maybe?

[Kiya]

dunno hun, struggling too. i guess safe was that i called t when i was having abdominal pain -not the doctor - T. She then called the doctor. But that is body stuff and even as bad as i am in dealing with that, it is worse when it comes to the stuff lived through in the past. I write things down, too. They don't get spoken. Dunno....
I think you took the first step tho.

kiya

[little*rhino]

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to me, means I can say whats on my mind.

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what do you think leads to feeling that way? i trust T.. he is awesome with me.. i don't think anyone has gotten such a complete idea of who i am.. the real me. i don't know quite what i am afraid of... i know it is ok to tell... i know he won't hurt me in any way. Maybe it is just because it is hard.. like you said... maybe i just have to keep trying... maybe it takes time?
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But is there any *PLACE* where you feel safe Candika? Do you feel safe with T? Or with others maybe?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">i feel safe with my dogs... and i thought i felt safe with T... if you had asked me a few weeks ago i would have said yes... now i wonder if i even understand what it means. i had no idea that i would hit a wall like that.

awww kiya, im sorry you're struggling too lovey. i wrote things down.. now i want to say it... i want to claim that right.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( candika ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think I feel safe with T most of the time. For me, that means I know he won't hurt me or take advantage of me, and it means that I believe that he cares about me, and will do everything within his power to make me feel safe and nurtured and taken care of. He accepts me without judgment.

BUT. There are things I can't tell him, words I can't say. It doesn't have to do with him not being safe....it has to do with the level of fear/pain/disgust within myself around those words.

I have written things down and given them to him. The first time I did it, I actually had to leave his office while he read it and curl up on the floor of the bathroom by the toilet. It was one of the scariest things I've done in T. But when I finally pulled myself together and went back in the room, there he was, accepting, caring....safe. And I survived and it was okay.

Later, when I was ready, I asked T to say the words first. It was hard and scary, but because he IS so safe, I knew it would be okay - he wouldn't let me die (irrational but very real fear). So he said them, and then he said them again another time, and again another time....and after I heard it enough, I was able to say the words one day. And it was hard, and made me pull back and run from him - but when I came back, he was still there - solid and safe and waiting for me. And it was okay.

((((((((((((((((((((((( candika ))))))))))))))))))) I don't know if anything here helps, but this is how it's gone for me. I can't say the words all the time - or even most of the time - but now I can sometimes. Because T IS safe, and I AM safe there.


Thinking of you...

[MissCharlotte]

For me, feeling safe means I can speak calmly about what I am feeling without having a huge guard up. Feeling safe means that I can disagree with what he says without fear of repercussion. Feeling safe means I can show the sides of me that are not so nice without fear of reprisal. Feeling safe means I can take risks--show him all the parts of me, including those I am not proud of.

(((Candka))))

[little*rhino]

awww honey... i am so sorry it was so hard, but so happy T was so safe and solid.. and so PROUD of you for pushing through the tough stuff.

i think maybe i am a wimp. Who knew?

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BUT. There are things I can't tell him, words I can't say. It doesn't have to do with him not being safe....it has to do with the level of fear/pain/disgust within myself around those words.

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This i think is it for me maybe... he seems almost too good for me in a way. You're right.. i think i feel so bad about myself.

i will write this out and read read read read it... T is safe, T is safe, T is safe, T is safe.

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Candika said:

i think maybe i am a wimp. Who knew?


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No, you are not a wimp. This stuff is hard. It will come in time. Be gentle with you.

[SpottedOwl]

(((Candika)))

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i feel safe with my dogs... and i thought i felt safe with T... if you had asked me a few weeks ago i would have said yes... now i wonder if i even understand what it means.

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For me, safety means 'predictable' and 'accepting'.
I find that bonding with pets is safe, because their reactions are predictable. I know that if I pet them, they will respond with love, and if I feel bad, they will still respond with love. They will never yell at me if I am feeling down.

Animals can be amazing teachers, and I think by looking at your relationship with your dogs, you may find some clues about what safety means for you.

[missboots]

I know exactly how you are feeling. I feel safe to some degree. I don't feel safe to be 100% open for fear T will think I am really nuts and refer me. So being safe is letting T see what you are thinking and feeling. When I first started seeing T 11 months ago I thought of her as a equal and now I see her on a pedastool and I think it is easier sometimes to feel safe when you first meet someone because if they laugh or say thats stupid you can just leave with no emotion because you aren't attached and you can say screw him/her but with T I grown to care what she thinks and therefore it makes it harder to feel safe. I hope that makes some sense.

[sunrise]

(((candika)))

Candika, it is an important step to be able to share the incident, even in writing. I think the verbal will come with time. Progress can seem slow, but to share this memory with your T and have him hold it and accept is a good start on the way to healing this wound.

Early in therapy, I had some recovered memories of a traumatic childhood incident. I told T I had recovered these memories out of the blue but was unable to tell him what they were. I remember sitting there for almost a whole session with him, trying to tell him, but being unable to speak. He told me he respected my ambivalence, of wanting to tell but not being able to. He never pressured me. Eventually after a number of sessions I was able to tell. I had to get to know him better and come to trust him. To help me with sharing these memories, I first wrote them out on paper as I wanted to tell them. That was hard. Then I read them outloud to myself over and over. That was hard too, but I got better at it. Then I visualized T as I read them. Finally, I was able to tell the memories to T (without the paper). He never knew I went through this whole preparatory sequence over the weeks. After I told him the memories, we did EMDR on them to help me process the trauma. After that, it was easier to tell him things, because we came successfully through the telling and processing of this major thing.

I know some people do EMDR without directly voicing their traumatic incident. I wonder if you could do some EMDR just while visualizing the incident but not speaking it. Maybe this would help partially process the memory and then you would be able to voice it. Just a thought--I don't know if this is commonly done in EMDR or not.

T has often asked me what he can do to make it safe for me. He did this when I told those memories. Some of the things I requested were environmental. I asked him to shut the blinds. I wanted him to dim the lights. I wanted to be there only at night (it was a long time before I could come to see him in the morning!). I also feel safe because the door is closed, and things in his office stay the same (mostly). I have also told him I feel unsafe sometimes because I have waived confidentiality with him (mandatory) and sometimes he reports things from my sessions to people on the legal team. He is regretful but he cannot change that. We'll regain our therapist-client confidentiality at some point in the future.

Candika, could you bring your dogs with you to therapy to help you feel safe? One of my T's clients brings her dog with her to therapy.

[Christina86]

My feelings leading to being able to say whats on my mind...

Some days I do, some days I don't. I don't think I've ever had a totally positive and emotionally healthy relationship with someone who should be this important to my overall wellbeing.

It does take time. Some times a lot more than we'd want.

Maybe you're scared that he WOULD accept you? I'm scared like that sometimes... I don't like me, and the thought of someone actually accepting me for me - totally ruins my cognitive distortions and opinions/comments by other people in my life.

I love dogs. I always felt safe with my family's dog. Don't beat yourself up over this. Things will happen when they happen. And your T sounds great, and doesn't sound like he'd ever leave you.

[Sannah]

Hi Candika, I will explain what I learned in hindsight. We don't feel safe because our environment was never safe. We were hurt emotionally or physically or our environment was just not stable or there was never anyone really in charge. If you grow up in an environment like this, it is all you know. There is never any luxury of security.

I have found safety now. I had to purge from my mind all of my emotional insecurity from my past (work through all of those feelings that still lingered). Most of us now live in secure environments. We don't feel safe because of our memories from the past. While you are purging the past you need to build security today.

What I did was build secure personal boundaries so that I can protect myself emotionally. I empowered myself so that I feel strong now and I can take charge of me and not allow others to have power over me (no more feeling small and weak and powerless).

When I wasn't feeling safe (as an adult who was really safe) I would shake and tremble. It was a strong emotional reaction. When I would do this I would tell myself that I am safe. The environment that I am in is just triggering feelings from my past. (My triggers were letting people get close). My trembling would lessen and lessen each time until it disappeared. It was basically just retraining my nervous system the way that I see it.,