Afraid it's the Beginning of the End

I just got back from my therapy appointment. I went in with the idea of remaining calm and not rehashing or repeating my frustration with the physical touch issue. To be honest, I just feel depleted from my recent emotional outbursts and the whole repetitious cycle with my t. So I went in very subdued and quiet.

We did an introductory breathing exercise we always do to start our session. Then she told me that she'd gotten the impression from me that i think trauma processing is a waste of time. (I have no idea why she thought that.) I told her I don't think it's a waste of time, but the problem with it is that when we process, i get into a state of emotional overwhelm -- too much emotional pain -- and i have wanted her to physically comfort me to help make it bearable. When i don't get it, i feel horribly rejected and depressed. We talk it over. Things get better. But only until the next time we process and I get into too much pain again. Then I need comfort again, don't get it, and feel awful.

We talked about how frustrating this must be for me, and how it feels like a repetition of when i was a child in pain and couldn't get my needs met from mom. But rather than tell me that she'll work with me to get the physical comfort i need, she told me to think about an option: consider going to a different therapist she knows who does a therapy called "Somatic Experiencing." She told me she wasn't trained in it, and that she had to consider whether she had the skills to provide what i need. She told me she wasn't trying to get rid of me. She said I could go there and work with this other therapist for awhile, and then later come back to see her. But I still felt bad. It seems like she's out of ideas on what to do with me and doesn't think she can help me anymore. Now I feel so guilty for making an issue out of the physical comfort stuff. I feel like I've pushed her away.

The rest of the session, she talked about how I (adult me) needs to learn to provide comfort for my own internal little girl(s). She asked me if I ever tried to comfort myself that way. I told her Yes, I do that. But somehow, it just does not feel comforting. She reminded me that i'm able to show compassion for animals and people who are hurting, so she knows i have a part of me that is capable of nurturing.

I told her that yes, when i see an animal or a person hurting, i can easily feel that nurturing side of myself. But when i try to picture the hurt little girl part of me -- picture sitting near her and comforting her -- i just don't "feel" anything emotionally. I don't feel that readiness to want to comfort myself. I can follow through with the visualizations of giving that little girl a hug and speaking soothing things to her. But the child part of me does not feel any relief or warm fuzzies from it. And the adult me, while she is taking the necessary actions to comfort, it feels like she (I) am doing it out of a sense of duty, because it's the right thing to do. . .not because I'm actually feeling any true compassion for her.

She wants me to practice this week picturing the adult me with the child me and providing the comfort i need.

Between the suggestion of seeing a different therapist -- and the urging for me to take care of my own nurturing needs -- I'm pretty sure the message she is giving me is "No, I will not provide physical nurturing to the hurt little girl part of you. You need to do it for yourself."

Maybe she is right. i don't know HOW to help myself get that nurtured feeling inside. I really don't!!! Not having had it as a child, i am not even sure i know what it is supposed to feel like. As an adult, i do not have inside me what is needed to give to my little girl parts. I know my t is right that i must have a nurturing self in order to show compassion to animals and people in pain. But I swear, that "me" disappears whenever I go inside and picture the hurt parts of me.

How am i going to learn to give myself the comfort i need? I've tried and it does not work! I wish I'd never made an issue out wanting hugs from my t. I'm so afraid she is getting burned out and doesn't want to work with me anymore. I don't know if i can go to a different t. It has literally taken years to learn to trust this one.

I'm feeling really sick and scared right now.

I'm sorry that you're hurting right now, Peaches. I certainly understand why you would feel like you want physical comforting from someone like your T.

Based on everything I've read that you've posted about this topic and her responses, I think it sounds like you are correct in your reading -- you are not going to get this from her the way you want to. To me, it sounds like she is just not comfortable with including this in your therapy. I think my T would take the same approach. I think it's less common for a T to use it for a variety of reasons (personal comfort, liability, training, what they think is good for the client).

Because you've seen her for so long, and you have said you can't get past this need from her, maybe trying something new is a good idea, at least to explore it? I don't think she was trying to get rid of you in suggesting trying out the other type of T, I think she was actually trying to be caring and respond to your stated needs (my T is a problem solver too and does similar things).

I'm sure this is a very senstive topic, it would be for me, too. I'm really sorry it's so hard. I think I would try to remember that your T does care about you, even if she isn't comfortable expressing it physically.

((((((peaches)))))))

Be gentle with yourself right now, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to process this.

Reading about your session today left me feeling like you and T are pretty disconnected. I see you communicating what you need, saying some really tough things, and her responses almost strike me as defensive. I think both of you are doing your best, but that T is running up against her own limits. In other words *this is in no way a failure*.

I believe that each of us knows what we need to heal. Trust yourself. Maybe it would be interesting to call the Somatic T and just ask some questions? You don't have to decide what to do right now, just what the next most obvious step is.

In my own experiences healing trauma, it took some time before I was able to imagine comforting the inner hurt child. I had to start with just practicing feeling what compassion feels like. (Like imagining feeling compassion for an animal, or small child.) Then, your body becomes more familiar with how that nurturing feels, and it becomes easier to apply it to your own life.

I would recommend just practicing compassion. However you can. Notice how it feels, and how beautiful and warm it can be. When you are ready, I think you will naturally begin to feel that for yourself.

Many, safe, compassionate hugs for you!

I can understand how you feel that way all in all in all.

I have come to the conclusion of what I always thought, that we're not actually supposed to exactly 'comfort' ourselves. Like, not the way that one human can do for another.
Its something else. I think its how we process pain that matters. Like face the pain, without self-blame etc. Sometimes I put my hands on my tummy and feel protected, sometimes I breathe into it, but to visualise the inner child etc, that never worked for me.

..... by the way, I recently wondered if maybe you didnt like me, or didnt like the things I said, because I find your expressions very relatable to, and it makes me want to answer, but often you dont respond to me....?
am I being paranoid ?

r.

Maybe she would be open to giving u a blanket that u could use to comfort the little girl it would be from her and when u need comfort she could give it to u or u could bring it back and forth. My t gave me one.

(((((((((((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))))))))))

I just wanted you to notice the quote above....because you used almost the exact words in describing what you are worried T is feeling when she offers comfort to you. Do you think that maybe you are projecting your own feelings on to her and assuming that's how she feels when she offers you comfort?? I might be totally off base, but it just kind of jumped out at me.

I can relate to not wanting to take care of your little parts. When I started therapy, my T talked about me learning to parent myself...and I told him "I don't WANT to". It really doesn't feel fair...that we missed out on something we were supposed to have, and now we have to somehow provide it for ourselves. And T did tell me, "it's okay to feel angry about it".

I AM learning bit by bit to take care of little me. Part of how I am learning that is by watching how T takes care of me. If you are not getting what you need from T in that way, then maybe you DO need someone else, as painful as that probably is to consider.

I know you feel sad and scared right now. I'm sorry things have become so difficult with T. No matter what, you don't have to decide ANYTHING quickly. Give yourself time to get quiet, and you will start to know the right thing to do.

Sending tons of and to you.

I'm sorry you're feeling scared and sick right now, Phoenix. If I was facing so much uncertainty, I would feel that way too.

There are other ways to offer comfort besides those that involve physical touch. Has your T offered you any (non-physical) comfort? If so, have you been able to accept it at all, or was it just not comforting to you? My T does not provide touch as part of therapy either, although we sometimes hug at the end of sesssions. Yet, he is very comforting in many ways.

I know your T's response was not what you hoped for, but it sounds to me like your T is considering your needs and how to get them met. She's thinking about you outside of session! She is telling you that providing comforting touch is outside of her scope of practice and she has looked for someone who could provide you with an experience that could be healing for you. And she is not referring you on to someone else (giving up), but she is wanting to keep working with you but allow you to see another practitioner too (some T's like clients to see only one therapist at a time). I know you wanted something else from her, but it doesn't sound to me like she is giving up.

Somatic Experiencing is a form of therapy based on Peter Levine's theories on trauma (described in his book, "Waking the Tiger"). My therapist has some training in this and we have done a bit of it, especially early in my therapy when we were doing EMDR and trauma work. Based on what I know, somatic experiencing does not involve physical touch between the client and the therapist. It involves learning to become very aware of the physical sensations in your body, and where you feel things in your body when emotions come up. And how to discharge the tensions you become aware of. That's my limited understanding. There is a brief description here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing

There are therapists who provide therapeutic touch and I think this is often called "bodywork" and there are different varieties of this with different names. My T has talked about these therapies a little bit and says they can be very healing and in fact, that straight "talk therapy" is old-fashioned. He has said some really great work in psychotherapy is being done by combining body therapy and talk therapy (but he doesn't do this). I guess someone could also combine bodywork and Somatic Experiencing techniques. Maybe the SE T your therapist knows does this. It could be interesting to speak with the therapist your T recommended and see what she does provide.

I have worked on this in therapy also, and did find it helpful and healing. I think your T is trying a lot of ideas with you and hoping something will resonate. It could very well be that she may run out of ideas. Maybe something she suggests will be what ends up helping. Sometimes it can be helpful to visit someone new for a fresh approach and different skills and emphasis. It seems like your T is open to this or she would not have recommended the SE therapist. But she is also allowing you to continue with her, so you don't need the additional pain of separating from her and your 10 year relationship.

It sounds like you have tried this on your own (comforting a younger you), but not with your T's guidance, or else your T would not have asked you if you had tried it or not. I would find it very hard to do (at least initially) without a professional telling me how and what to do. Can you have some sessions where your T guides you through this? I think it unrealistic of a therapist to expect a client to be able to do this on their own without coaching.

((((Peaches)))),

You have not pushed your T away! You've been with her for 10 years; that's a long time. If she feels like she is not providing you with the best help she can give you anymore, then the most loving thing for her to do is try to find someone who CAN provide you with more help. I know you can't think of it in that way right now, but don't you see that she's doing this out of her deep affection for you? She wants you to get well! I'm sure it's hard for her to admit that she can't provide what you need right now, but it's in your best interests not to struggle with the same issue forever. It's unethical for her to do that, isn't it?

I'm thinking of times when my T refused to give me what I wanted. I asked her why was she being so mean. She said that everything she does is for my benefit. She wasn't doing anything to me, but for me. So I think your T realizes the touching would not benefit you.

I hope you will give this other therapy a chance. Your T is not abandoning you, but working with you to make your life better. I hope you can come to see it in that way.

I know it will be hard for you, but you can do it! I know you can.

Sending you to cheer you up.

JMO, but learning how to comfort your inner child is very healing and very worthwhile pursuing. Something is holding you back? and it can be figured out. I think that the same thing that is holding you back from nurturing yourself (accepting nurturing) is the same thing that holds you back from allowing others to nurture you.

heres somthing you might try to get you started - it comes from an exercise frm "The courage to heal" book

first write how oyu feel about the inner child - dont hold back - if you are angry that she is soooo needy (mine) then tell her - say everything you feel no matter how hard or horrible it is.

then read it

2nd write a letter to a child that has been through what has happened to you and let her know how you feel about her

I found the first letter was really nasty and accusing and disconnected - I told her I didnt believe she even existed !!!

the 2nd letter was kind and generous and loving

the next part of the exercise is to start treating yourself as you would others and offer the same kind thoughts and feelings to yourself that you would to others (easier said than done- but I keep trying! )

dont know if this will help you - just a thought.... I hope the fear subsides soon and you fele better

First of all, to River:

MY BAD!!!

I'm sorry if I overlooked answering your posts before. I would never intentionally ignore you. I like reading what you have to tell me! I really apologize!

I know that sometimes my threads get really long and I start getting behind in trying to keep up with replies . . .then after bit I wonder if the subject is getting old with people and wonder if I should continue on replying to replies or not. And I sometimes drop the ball then. But I appreciate every single reply I get! I appreciate the time it takes each person to read my post, think about it, and then type out a reply. Thanks for bringing this to my attention, River. I'm going to make a better effort to keep up with replies.

Hi Notme,

It helps me a bit to hear from others whose t's also don't use touch. I think my self-esteem is just so low that it's hard for me to not interpret it as "something wrong or bad about me." It is especially hard knowing that my t does hug some of her other clients. She mentioned it a long time ago, not sure how it got brought up. So that makes me feel even more so that it is a problem with ME. The hurt feelings about that are just so strong. It is difficult to put my mind around the idea that she's withholding as a way to help me, since it feels so rejecting. I guess I just need to keep working on it.

I'm thinking about this other SE therapy. I've looked up a little bit on the Net about it and think it could possibly help me. But it's a very scary proposition to me to work with someone new that I don't know and haven't built up trust with. I also worry that if i don't see my t for therapy for several weeks, it will widen the gap already between us. Separations from my t have always been very hard for me, and it's been difficult each time to reconnect. So I need to really think about it.

Hi Spotted Owl,

Yes, you're right. i do feel a disconnection with t. I found it weird that, after 2 emotional sessions where i was very angry and hurt, she responded to one of my messages by saying Nothing is different for me. I don’t feel the “problem between us” that you point to. We've gone around and around this physical touch issue for years (seriously), sometimes my feeling so hurt and rejected i was ready to quit therapy. Now that it has come up yet again, how can she honestly say she doesn't see any problem between us? Yesterday, she said she recognizes that I have been upset and dissatisfied with the way things are going, so that was why she felt she should advise me about my options.

My t did not give me the name of this therapist yet. Her blackberry went out and now she has to comb through computer files looking for the information. I'll see if she gives me the name and number on my next session, or the one after that. If she does, I may just call the SE therapist and ask some questions. If she doesn't, I'll have to decide whether to bring it up with my t and ask for the name and number. My t told me it wasn't her "first choice" to do this, but it was an option. Her other option has to do with our slowing down the trauma processing so that i don't get overstimulated.

Thanks for telling me how you approached comforting your hurt inner child. I like your idea of just practicing compassion in general and noticing how it feels in my body first. I will start there.

Thank you for the hugs.

Your distress is internal not external between the two of you..............

\Peaches, thats so sweet of you, it just shows its worth asking! something i'm learning, rather than go into grumpy exile.
actually, now I feel bad that I've given you an obligation... whoops..

you do share in a way that particularly makes me want to respond and talk, ..

River,

Its something else. I think its how we process pain that matters. Like face the pain, without self-blame etc. Sometimes I put my hands on my tummy and feel protected, sometimes I breathe into it, but to visualise the inner child etc, that never worked for me.

I'm just curious. . .when you put your hand on your tummy and/or do the breathing, do you say anything to yourself, or do you visualize anything? Does it work?

River,

Oh yeah. I also wanted to comment on what you said about being able to cope with the pain while not self-blaming. I blame myself ALOT. My t keeps saying if i attribute responsibility to my parents for what happened to me, then I will feel so much better because i won't blame myself anymore. But it feels easier to blame myself than to think that my parents (for whatever reason) chose not to bond with or protect me. And because I see all these parents who are affectionate with their kids and protect them like a mother bear, i keep feeling that there must have been something wrong with ME that prevented my parents from wanting to bond with and protect me. To think that i was OK, and that they just chose (for whatever reason) to ignore my needs and not protect me is absolutely a heartbreaking concept. I don't know if i can ever accept that. To me, that is so much worse than blaming myself.

Parents neglect their children because of their own problems not because of anything being wrong with the child.

I think its something like 'ok, heres pain/ hurt coming to me, I can process it by feeling it/ touching base with it, letting it go thro me, like I'm facing a painful truth, and that is the right thing to do, just to face it, thats whats required of me, and let it run its course when its been honourably acknowledged' - its that sort of an approach. This works when its my pain I'm facing. If its someone else stuff, or unnecassary shame attack - the really toxic sort - then I have to retrace how we got there. I think I'm saying theres healthy pain and unhealthy pain, they require different responses. Does it work? Yes, some, nothings ideal.

I can relate to that too.
Thinking about what you say: - where theres blame, for whoever, it keeps a human contact going between the two people, because theres nothing worse than the senslessness, the expereince of having no voice, no way to make an impact, just indifference - this equivalent to cosmic exile, total alienation. Baby's die without contact, they die of heartbreak, and I believe, so do adults, I've witnessed that. It IS that deep
. Humanity is so damaged you experienced this first hand in your tenderest years.

However, heres another thought: 'All children are wanted children, they are wanted by life'. I see you are bravely trying to resolve the lack of love. I think we shouldnt give up the longing for resolution and righting of wrong, but HOW to create resolution, this takes some consideration, to find the highest good .......... would this be the challenge posed to us by life ?

Those people who have missed the opportunity to love thier child have missed the greatest gift life can give. We who have tender, painful feelings are more privileged.

Well, Id better stop holding forth and go and see if I can practice any of this myself lol

........ but to summarise, I think theres something a bit better we are called to do than blame self or others, yet without minimising anyone's responsiblity iether.

r.

I had an idea...
What if this 'issue' isn't about touch at all?
Perhaps you feeling the need for touch is a symptom, but not the cause of the issue?

I wonder if you were able to talk to T about feeling disconnected emotionally, and leave the issue of touch at the door, how the session might go. Perhaps you aren't feeling safe enough to proceed with the trauma work, because of the disconnection?

(Always feel free to disregard my ideas, they are just that -- mine. You ultimately know what is best for you.)

Keep up the great work! This is not easy stuff to process, but you seem so determined to find a solution, which is a beautiful thing.

Now that I have started to recover from the shock of my therapist discussing a referral to a somatic experiencing t, I have decided to find out more about it. I live near Denver, and my therapist told me the first name of this t, but she did not know the last name and said she'd have to find it for me. In the meantime, my t asked me to do a little research on the Net about somatic experiencing and think about whether i want to try it or not.

So. . . the past couple of days, I've been reading on some Web sites about SE. Interestingly, I happened to come upon a Web site for the SE therapist my t mentioned. I know it must be her, because it shows her located in Denver and my t told me she has the same first name I do (same spelling also, which is rare).

Anyway, I decided to send the SE therapist an email, telling her that my t had discussed a possible referral to her for some short-term SE work. In the email, I asked 3 or 4 questions about SE. One of them was if SE could include safe comforting touch during trauma processing if it helped the client "get it out" and made the pain more manageable.

We'll see what she says.

Do you think I should tell my t that i contacted this SE t? Or not? I'm afraid that, even though it sounds like it might benefit me, when it comes down to it, I won't want to do it because it would involve not having therapy with my t for several weeks. I don't think i could handle that. Breaks have always been hard for me, and then it's hard to reconnect. I'm afraid the long separation might increase the disconnect I'm already feeling with my t.

I would tell her the last paragraph of your post - it really sumns up whats happening

Hi Minime,

Hey, that's a great idea about the blanket! I do think that would help me feel nurtured at least. Thanks for the suggestion!

Treehouse,

Your question about projection has really stopped me in my tracks! I wonder if it could be true. . . that i am assuming t has a lack of empathy for the part of me that feels small and very attached, and that any of her caring is out of feelings of obligation because i'm so needy. i know that i get very frustrated with the needs of that small part of myself. i don't really want to help her. And I have also always believed that my mom took care of me mostly out of obligation because it was the right thing to do, not out of genuine affection and willingness. Could I be projecting my own internalized mother into my t?

Wow. Deep food for thougt. . .