What is the modern-day "role" of the husband?

I've been struggling with my husband and my happiness for quite sometime now. A few years...

It seems as though I'm his "mother". I'm always the one to plan and decide everything! When/what we eat, when we need to go shopping - even if it's stuff for him that he needs like underwear, socks, pjs etc. He can't remember to pick up the stuff himself! I need to remind him to clip his nails, pick up after himself, constantly tell him what needs to be done around the house - garbage day, recycling day, wipe the counter, close the cupboards etc.

I have spoken to him about it. That I need to have a break. Even just ONE day of not having to cook and clean as soon as we come home from work. I don't think it's fair that he can just sit and relax and watch TV while I do all the "wife" duties. SICK OF IT! It would be so nice if he could do nice things for me with me asking like making the bed, pouring me a bath, making me a cup of tea (knowing how I like it - black).

How often do I need to ask? He should know this stuff right? Especially after being together for almost 10 years.

I've asked him if he could call/email me during the day just to say hi, but he doesn't. The only reason why he calls me, is if he needs help writting an email for work, because he can't spell very well. And if I call him, he often just hangs up on me, or doesn't pick up - because he is too busy, even during his lunch break! It really drives me crazy! Even if he's running late, like 20 minutes late, he won't pick up the phone or call me. He expects me to wait in the car (we carpool together). When instead, I could have stayed at work, or gone shopping.

He makes me feel guilty if I want to go and visit my friends without him. I did it once 2 years ago. And he was upset that my girlfriend and I went to a bar - nothing extreme just dinner and drinks and some dancing. He says he gets lonely and bored.

FYI - we both work full time and make the same amount of money, plus I go to university part-time, and go to aerobics and yoga twice a week. He doesn't have any other "extra" activites, just work. I told him we should join a coed sport team, or he should join a team/class to get active and socialize, but he's not interested.

What can I do? Should I start printing off articles for him to read? Have a "Happy Marriage" book lying around in the house and hopefully he'll notice it's there. Because talking to him isn't working.

I am thinking more and more of leaving him.

Wow! A very capable and frustrated woman. I wish i could give you an answer but it does sound like the more you do, the less he does. He does not see the seriousness of his situation. What has changed since you were married? Maybe have a talk with him about marriage counseling? Hopefully some other people here that have been where you are will have more suggestions. Hang in there and good luck to you.

notsohot,
terribly frustrating for sure!

Jmo, but marriage counseling would be a very good idea...if he won't go then go by yourself.

notsohot, you can stop being his mother anytime you want...he isn't going to change and why should he? his needs are taken care and he's not about to give it up...especially without trying to lay a guilt trip on you.
You will have to stand your ground about not doing so much...if he forgets something, tough. He's a grown man and needs to take responsibility for his behavior.

It's so easy to get into the kind of relationship when a spouse becomes a surrogate parent...and it most likely will take counseling to shed light on what happened and how it can be changed...
...if, in fact, you want to have another go at a marriage and not stay in a one-sided relationship.
That might be the first decision you have to make--do you really want to stay with him.

Think about what you want from your marriage, if you are willing to take the steps necessary to have your needs met, and be honest with yourself...

My best wishes for you to work through the disappointments and worries this has brought you...obviously he has his own, but he has to be willing to respect and honor your feelings, too.
I hope the two of you can come to a decision that is fair and healthy for both of you...

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok?

In Peace

I have got to say that your stronger then what I would be in this situation. Marriage therapy would probably help. In my case I would just stop. He is taking way to much advantage of you, and shows no apperciation for you. If you want to go have fun with your friends, than that is what I would go do. If he wants to be a slob than let him. If you want to work over than go right ahead. Make him wait. He doesn't mind doing it to you. If he gets upset with your new way, just say well I'm your wife, not your mother. I would then tell him that if you need to be treated like this than it's time for you to move back home with mom.

I agree that marriage counseling could be very helpful.

Stop doing that stuff for him. If he doesn't clip his nails, let them grow long. Eventually he will notice. Stop picking up after him. Stop buying his underwear. When he runs out of underwear, he'll figure it out.

I think you need some more structure to your chore-sharing. Together, set a schedule--for example, he will cook Mondays and Thursdays, and you will do the other days. Start small and just have him do 2 days a week. Praise his efforts. If you have a schedule, then you won't have to keep telling him what to do. If he forgets to cook on his days, grab some food for yourself but don't make him anything.

There may be something passive agressive going on here. Many men don't like to be told what to do. Even if you are asking him, he may not be hearing what you say as requests. He may feel like you are telling him what to do and it may not sit well with him. This may take some work in therapy for the both of you to learn to communicate and hear what the other person is really trying to say. You get locked in a cycle--you ask him to do something, he feels you're bossing him, so he refuses to respond or help, then you get resentful, make more requests, he gets more passive aggressive and won't do what you ask, etc. Bad cycle. A therapist can help with that.

This is pretty rude. Do you ever speak to him about that? In the safety of therapy, you might be able to. Maybe he just doesn't want to chat with his wife during the day. Some men are uncomfortable with small talk. Maybe tell him you realize he's not a "talker" and you'll only call when something requires his attention. I understand it can be frustrating to not get the attention you would like, but some people just don't want to chat when they are at work. You could also try sending emails during the work day if you need his input on a decision, etc. It sounds like you have a lot of dissatisfaction with how he treats you and it will be hard to work on everything at once. I think maybe trying to force him to call you during the day may be a losing battle and it would be better to choose some of the other areas to work on (like getting him to cook dinner regularly).

This is very rude. Tell him if he's going to be late, he needs to call you. If you don't hear from him within 10 minutes of the pic-up time, you will assume he has another way home, and then just drive home without him. He can take the bus or taxi or whatever. That will help train him to be more thoughtful. Sometimes behavioral techniques can be very helpful. If he can't learn to phone, I guess he can just stop carpooling with you. It would be a way to save yourself some grief.

I disagree with that! You're choosing to feel guilty. Don't feel guilty for having some fun with your friend. Invite him to go out with you the following week so you can share some fun with him too. If he says no he doesn't want to go, well, at least you tried, and remind him of that the next time he complains about being lonely and bored.

He doesn't sound very interested in having a good relationship. But he also might be depressed. I don't think leaving articles and books lying around the house will be helpful. I think the two of you need professional help--a couples therapist. Wouldn't it be better to give it a try instead of leaving him without trying?

I recently ended a marriage of over 20 years. At about 10 years, I asked my H to go to marriage counseling with me, and he said no. On my own, I tried to make the marriage work, but didn't do that well. Eventually we divorced. I'm not beating myself up about it, but I think I should have tried harder to get him into marriage counseling with me. It wouldn't have ended up any worse than it did, with the marriage failing. If the marriage is in danger of ending, what's to lose by really pushing to go to counseling?

Life sounds hard for you right now. I hear a lot of resentment and frustration. I wonder if your H really realizes how unhappy you are? Do you think if he knew, that he might be more motivated to pull his weight in the marriage and work on improving it?

From a guy's veiw @ 6 yrs in....
Maybe this will give some insight.

Not married but accept our deal as one...

We kinda had / have that problem, not so much detail as yours. Every guy needs reminded what to do & what's going on, just to the extent of daily hygene & what not.

We ending up setting rules at about 3yrs in.
1, who ever made it home from work first cooked.
2, who ever made more money got the green hit, "weed"
3, who ever had the day off took care of all things needed.
4, we alway run arrands together, food, gas ect.
5, we split every bill & food & expence 50/50
6, we try to confront any issues as soon as they arrive, it is hard.
7, we do not bars w/out each other, excluding restrants
8, we both have set chores, ei catbox, general cleaning
9, I repair the cars, you keep them clean
10, We both set aside time for "us as a couple" atleast 4 nights a week.
11, respect, 0 tolerance for intentional disrespect

As a guy, we don't work w/out general rules & principals. Like a kid, give an inch we take a mile. Over time, every guy has a set time in which we feel %100 secure & comfortable & then we just do whatever we feel like doing as we have no worries.
It is MY job to, take care of all manly things, ie car repairs, fixing anything, protecting her from outside harm she may not see, & on.

The thing is you HAVE TO SET GENERAL RULES & PRINCIPALS for a guy!!! It's sad I know, but we're realy just a mix of a kid & a dog so w/ respect needs to be kept that way w/ rules & such or we'll go into "bachlor mode" Not horing around, just being lazy.

Hope this helps,

Thank you for your reply. I read carefully, and passive aggresiveness caught my eye. I read and researched some articles about passive aggressive behaviour, and my husband fits the "trait". He did grow up with a VERY controlling mother, he was the youngest of 5. All the others were allowed to do things he wasn't allowed to do. He wasn't allowed to have school friends until he was 16, his only friends were the nieghborhood kids (a tiny neighborhood of 7 houses).

My hubby seems slow and conveniently forgets a lot (doing things like stopping at the store, switching laundry, words, his past - just to name a few)! He does know how to "turn things around" and I ending up appologizing. An example is if/when he asks me to do something, he is very ambiguous - "thing" is his favorite term. He expects me to know what "thing" he's talking about. And when I respond to what I think he means, and if I'm wrong, he gets upset that I don't understand him! I've explained to him that I don't understand what "thing" he's talking about and that I can't read his mind. He acknowleges it and promises he won't refer everything as a "thing" anymore. But he still continues to do so.

If I suspect this behaviour, what can I do? Should I tell him what I think is going on? That he might have a problem? He will hopefully not get offended and give me the silent treatment.

I've already brought up depression/anxiety symptoms to him, and that he may want to speak to a proffesional about what's bothering him, but he forgets to make the appointments. I've tried to bring him to see my "shrink", but it's not allowed - he needs to get his own.

Thanks again!

huh...

although not as bad as ur man, I to was the youngest and had 3 older sis's. My mother wasn't all controlling, just yelled a lot. But prehaps there is a small link there. Had I not gotten ahold of my mh i would be a lot worse. Don't ever accept the silent treatment, that is like a 5yr old. If you can't get him to man up find a way to "slap him in the face w/ reality" that will help, just boot his *** out & he will return a new person hopefully, don't let him back till he does. I'd say %90 odds here that he can be a true man if he finds his motavation.
either way screw messing w/ a guy that likes to act like a 5yr old grl. My gf would break something over my head to make me talk about if not toss my azz right the f@ck out the door! She's on this website, you should talk to her as back in the day we went through a lot & she dealt w/ more than she ever need to w/ not only me but her lazy ex that sounds like that guy made it to your front door. Is hid name Jag? lol, hope it helps.

It's not that easy just to throw him out. We've lived together for 10 years, I'm more willing than that to work on it. I just need to know how. I wish he could step up to the man plate. We don't yell at each other. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused as a child by my mother, and don't like to revisit that - ever.

It feels like I'm pulling a sack of potatoes behind me all the time. It's tiring. Why can't he pull me sometimes?

I think I'm just going to stop doing everything. If the house is messy and his ***** is all over the place, that's fine. I'll learn to live with it. If it gets too dirty, maybe I'll move out. At least I have friends that'll help me out. He only has his mom, no friends.

I understand that this is very tiring. I think that you shouldn't feel guilty about anything. There could be something wrong if he doesn't want to take care of himself. From what you are saying it sounds like your husband is playing the role of a child. He's not a child, and he could show you some respect by helping out. sometimes we need to be tough on a person to make them realize what they are doing.

I understand your troubles here - my dad is the same way. He says he hates controlling women but then wants his girlfriend or wife to do EVERYTHING for him. He is on his third marriage right now.

I have found that if you flat out tell a guy what he's doing and why you think he's doing it he sees it as a lecture and wont really absorb any information. The best way that I have gotten them to see how much I do is to just simply stop doing it. I'll stop doing the dishes and making dinner and doing all the laundry and eventually I get "why isn't this done?" and I'm like "well I always do it and now I don't you see how much stuff I do around here now?" I did that once and ever since my boyfriend has helped with cleaning, doing the dishes, did laundry the other day, cooks dinner etc... I hate playing games but sometimes that's all they understand sadly.

I found your story much like mine. although i have only been dealing with it these past few months. i didn't even realize that it was happening.I didn't want to have sex with him, ha ha that kinda got him thinking. I finally had enough and i told him i was tired of feeling like his mother. Men are men and thats whats make them great.=) you have to find a medium. if his nails aren't clipped then just let it go, thats him. trust me he will when they get on "his" nerves. it will make the other things less stressful. you really have to choose your battles and the ones that reaaally get to then try to work on just those. and the hell with the rest of them. i really hope this helps some I would love for you to contact me if you have any more questions I'm a really great listener, and have more advice. I'm new on here and i have no clue how this works i dint think i can send messages yet. i cant post my email either, maloyr at y mail.but here it is i think it might work if i separate it.hope all works out. It will if love is there.

No, I don't think this would be helpful, based on what you have said before. People, men in particular, don't respond well when you say to them, "you have a problem." Instead, I think you should let him know how serious things have become, how unhappy you are, and that you are thinking of leaving him. Then tell him that you think that if you both work on "things", that your marriage can improve and you would like him to go to marriage counseling with you. Have you suggesting counseling to him before (couples counseling, not individual therapy)? Maybe he'll agree if he knows how serious you are. The therapist can really help with communication, which I think is a major problem for you two. (Ask your "shrink" for a referral to a couples therapist.)

Best of luck.

Frustrated WORDS spoken by Million of Women around the World.... Thanks for making it a Million and One.

Thank you Dr. Phill

I really re thought about my hubby. He is not even close to any of them.
I am quite surprised with #7 and #10. 4 nights a week at least???
HOW on earth, can you manage that???

Refreshing to hear from the guy. Thanks for your honesty.

Hey notsohot. I have been with my husband for 10 years. He used to be like that. One day I just quit doing everything, cleaning, cooking, everything. Well he got fed up with a messy house and sandwiches all the time. Now we split the house duties 50/50 sometimes he does more than that since I have been having problems with my depression.

That is AWESOME! - you have accomplished what many women can only wish for.

Thunderbear's got it right.....it's called "tough love". If you don't like what they are doing & you are doing everything....then you just stop doing it until they get the picture......when they get fed up with it all, they will either change, or you will find out what they are really like & decide if you really want to me their mommy the rest of your life.

The only way to stop dragging around the sack of potatoes is to let go of it.....let it sink or swim.

My huband pulled that when we first got married....not only that, but he hardly liked any kind of food & with him mother, he would walk out & go to fast food if he didn't like what she cooked....told him the first time he ever did that, the door would be locked permanently. He fought me about doing the laundary the only day I had to do it...he wouln't get out of bed......I got a pitcher of ice water....dumped it on him....he never fought me about getting up & helping me with laundary again. You have to be firm....you don't have to be mean unless they push up that far.....just use as much force as is needed.

Honestly...reasonable men do not have to be told everything to do or have a list...they have a mind, they hold down their jobs....they can hold down the job of being a husband.

There were too many things that my husband ended up failing at & refused to make the changes.....I left him after 33 years of being married....the last 12 of those years, I lived is a separate part of the house until I finally moved across the country. The problems I was dealing with were more serious than not closing cupboards & doors....they were lying by withholding information....things he had done throughout the marriage, but it just piled up over the years.

By the time we had been under the same roof for 30 years, I was seeing red everytime I talked with him.....he knew every botton to push & I was letting him......finally by the 33 year, I was never so happy as I was away from him. I told myself that if absense made the heart grow stronger, then I really loved him......If I love being away from him & loved my peace & secure feeling alone.....then I really never loved him......well....I would never go back to him ever....I realize I never loved him .....we did enjoy doing things together, but the whole relationship was only about things & no relationship. He had no idea how to care about himself let alone anyone else.....I found I was better off knowing & taking care of myself than feeling like I should be able to depend on my husband when I needed him & he woudnt be there.....it taught me many things though....it taught me how we change for others & when we do, we loose who we are.....that is something we should never do if the who we were was a good thing.

Sadly, is never seems that the strong bring the week up to their level, but the weak tear down the strong.

Don't be pushed into feeling guilty....of course, you know, that if you refused to feel guilty, there is no way he could make you feel that way.....you have to stand up for yourself & what you feel is fair.

Oh, as for sitting waiting for him after work.....just go do the things you want to do for awhile & leave him waiting for you.....just tell him you added up all the time he made you wait & you are just getting your time paid back.

He will never stop acting the way he acts as long as you continue acting like his mother....if you really don't like it then you are going to have to stop!!!!

If you are feeling this way about him at 10 years.....you will only be feeling even worse by the time you hit 20 & even worse if you make it to 30.....it doesn't get better & your feelings of tolerance don't improve with time.....at least that's my experience.

A marriage counselor is a good idea to lay out the negotiations.....usually it takes a mediator to help make things work & to point out the problems so you aren't the one pointing the finger.

You have some good suggestions here to draw from everyone...figuring out where you are really coming from will be your challenge.

Best wishes,
Debbie

hey all, I have a somewhat similar situation, but reverse roles, i.e, i am the guy and my wife has been showing some of these traits. I do more cooking, thinking of grocery lists, cleaning, even making the bed most of the time. In reading the above i felt men were singled out as behaving in such a manner...just adding that there are women out there as well .

Any female perspective on why my wife might be acting so? I do not smoke, or stay out late, very respectful, try to put her needs before mine as much as possible. I feel I am the father...

I don't think that subtle hints are going to work. I have an idea that may require a great deal of work to begin with, but if it works the pay off will be worth it.

Either buy a pocket calendar or get a hold of his pda and enter in things that need to be done like garbage day, when the oil needs to be changed etc. Make a list of normal household chores and divide it down the middle (but be prepared to accept that his idea of clean and yours may be totally different). Include in your calendar a day off say once a month for each of you to be spent doing what you want to do.

As for your other "motherly" duties. Leave him to his own devices. Eventually either he'll remember to buy underwear or he'll go without. Either way HE deals with his own consequences.

The things you mention about hanging up on you and not letting you know he's running late. These are rude behaviors, be perfectly clear that he's not giving you the courtesy he'd give a perfect stranger and you don't appreciate it. Give him a bit of his own medicine. The next time he calls you, hang up on him. The next time you have to work late, don't give him any advanced notice.

The husband's role is to be the leader and the smart woman will let him think that he is. I've been married 37 years (almost) and I have always done my share of household duties, must be that Marine Corps training

Your husband is lazy, perhaps he needs to have a reality check. Just stop doing it all and see what happens. You can forget it is trash day, forget to do the wash (you're busy too) you have a fulltime job outside of the house and your mind was elsewhere. Let him grab a sandwich, you don't feel well, are tired, etc. When he starts complaining that is your time to strike while the iron is hot. Let him know that you are no his slave you are his help mate which means you help him by doing certin chores and he does what he is supposed to do.
My wife and I have a system, right now she is out of work so she does the housework. I still take the trash out and do all the yard work and home repairs. I pick up my clothes and clean up after myself. I've done it for so long that it is a hard habit to break. I make time to plan going out for dinner, or to the bar or whatever.

I agree he should call you if he is going to be late and just to say "hi", I do that at least 3X a day. I call even if I am going to be 10 minutes late. If I am going to be early I call so she can get rid of her boyfriend before I get home, that is a running joke with us. Sometimes i show up early unannounced and walk in real fast and say "did I just hear the backdoor slam"? I try to be fun and loving. I try not to look too long at other women (this is a difficult thing for me), I just can't help it. I like women, so sue me. Anyway, I don't know if I am perfect, but I try hard to be a good man and husband.

Best of luck to you.