When to call it quits?

My marriage is going through a rough patch and this isn't an isolated incident. I've asked him to go to marriage counseling and he said no. We barely talk, never spend time together and just seem to "live" with each other.

I've been telling him that we need to do something about our relationship. He just shrugs his shoulders and says nothings wrong. I'm tired of trying and I just want to know when to call it quits?

Any children involved?

no children

Others may disagree but I think you would be happier without him, opening up your heart to the possibility of true love...do not deny yourself this

It's so hard to leave. I wish I hard the strength.

hi

i've been through this.

it's hard to leave. it's hard to get the big D (divorce) for failure . . .
it's hard to start over.

a huge red flag here, is his refusal to go to marriage counseling.

in my experience, that shows it's only a matter of time.

whether you have children or NOT, (in your case, there are none, i understand) it is still not healthy to stay in a dead relationship with someone who refuses to try. . . .

just my opinion only

and i do wish you the best
here if you want to talk

I've just rescued myself out of a very similar situation which lasted 15 years. It's only been 3 months now since I've been gone, and the ex is still trying to get me back. What is quite sad about it is the fact that he STILL tells me that if I'D only change, then all will be alright, or if I'D work harder on this, or that, or the other, then things will work out.

The dumbass wouldn't try then, nor will he take sight on the fact that it was his lack of effort and concern that lead up to the divorce.

I'm sorry to say but, if your hub refuses his participation in what is of a mutual partnership, then it is only a matter of time until you discover that you cannot and will not tolerate it any longer.
But why wait until you've reached that numb phase (as I was foolish enough to do?). Take value in yourself NOW, and get out before you get to the point of no return, (emotionally/psychologically). It isn't a healthy place for anyone to have to end up.

I realize it's easy for me to say this, but know that it was not as such to go through.
Unfortunately, it sounds that your hub places all responsibility onto you to manage the emotional status of the marriage. Since that's the case, then it's up to you to take care of it as YOU want it to be....Sadly, that seems to end up to be without him...his choice. I know it hurts. But, he's given you no choice but to love yourself as you'd (wish) he'd love you. Then so be it.

I only wish I had the strength to leave before I reached the numb phase. By that time, I had lost myself in the process. Don't lose yourself in yours. It really is a frightening place to be.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

My thoughts are with you. Take care.

Shangrala

Have you thought of going to therapy sessions on your own ? They can be a great help to sort your head out and it may just be what hubby needs ! If he sees you going he may join you.....

I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with Tishie. If he won't go, maybe you could. It would be good for your self esteem and your counselor will help you with the grief and sadness you are feeling.<3 All the best.

It looks like we are in the boat and it is a very sad place to be. I journal a lot to help filter out my feelings and it lets me to see the picture more clearly and it will help you to make the decision that is best for you. Talk, talk, talk to your friends and family if they are safe ground to open up to. And dare to dream if you could have your life another way how would you choose it to be. I mean what are the things you wish in a man. At this point I would not emotionally invest yourself with your current man and no sex. Emotionally invest in yourself,tell yourself what you deserve, feel what you feel, get affirmation from others closest to you, make new friends, keep in touch we us on this forum,and tell yourself " He is he and I am me", and take this as an opportunity to remember who you are and who you are becoming. Unfortunately crying, depression, sadness, anger, and many other emotions are a part of the healing process of getting better. Change your focus and purpose to get a break from your "misery thinking." Nurture yourself and allow yourself a break from obsessing about where did it all go wrong and please don't take all the blame. And ask yourself if he is emotionally abusive or just emotionally unavailable? Rejection is a horrific experience and your entitled to feel devastated. Ask yourself what are the other reasons why you stay and you may just surprise yourself and that's okay too. Maybe instead of being self-less you should be a little more self-fish.This is my second time around for me and it doesn't mean it is not harder I'm just smarter is all. "I see your pain and you are not alone." Keep in touch. Smilie

Not that you dont already know but marriage is hard work. I dont believe in just throwing away a spouse and marriage. I think you leave when you can look yourself in the mirror and say " I did everything in MY power to try to save the marriage." If he wont go to counseling, what is stopping you? set the example and he probably will follow. Not only that but the therapist can help you to talk to your husband in a way that may get through to him. Dont quit because its hard. Let yourself remember the good times you both have had and fight for your marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage good or bad. Work on the only person you can control, which is you and treat your husband with respect (even when you dont feel like it) and watch what happens. Good luck

I'm already in therapy. Actually I've been in therapy for years now. It was at the suggestion of my therapist that we attend marriage therapy.

I think I answered my own question.

Gingerkat... May I quote... "I just want to know WHEN to call it quits?"

You answered your own question by saying that you ARE going to call it quits. Now, you heard what I said in chat last night and maybe that'll work, but somehow I'm not so sure. You guys need to have a true heart to heart and really pour out your emotions to him, tell him how it's making you feel.

You deserve so much better than this and you have the capacity to make true love happen because you are such a lovable person and such a beautiful woman both inside and out and I'm not gonna stop telling you this because it is so TRUE!!!!!

Your Husband needs to make more of an effort, you do everything in your power to make it work and the ideas I gave you last night were ideas to make it more obvious to him how much of an effort you're making, so that he sees that he needs to make more of an effort too.

With the incident on Tuesday night, was he supportive at all? Was he there for you? Did he come see you or cuddle you and ask what made you do it? Did he tell you that it would all be okay in the end and that he's always there for you?

Of course marriage, as with any relationship is a two way thing and from what I've heard, he's not making much of an effort. Just "living together" is not good enough, no doubt you are both feeling bored, unwanted, unloved and like you want out. I can certainly see that you want out.

I know I'm only 18 and a lot of people probably think I don't know much, but I've had an experience like this. I say give the ideas I gave you a try, for say... Two weeks maximum and if he still doesn't get the message then I think it's time to give yourself the love and self care that you deserve and take the leap out of the relationship.

YOU haven't failed if this is what it comes to. YOU have ried your hardest, made as much effort as you possibly can, gone to therapy, been open to marriage counselling and advice from others. YOU are trying YOUR best to make it work. HE is the one that is sitting back and watching you struggle, doing nothing to help.

I hope the ideas I gave you give him a real kick up the arse. If not then you've always got people here, including me, to talk to anytime. No matter what happens, just remmber that you're trying your best and ou are NOT a failure. Look at what an amazing person you are! He is a fool if he can't see that. A complete and utter fool.

LOts of love and hugs going out to you.



You are loved.

^^^
Wow K, that was the nicest sweetest thing ever! I'm almost blushing. I guess you're right, going to try and work on it. I've decided to give life a second chance, why let my marriage go. I think I'm still upset and confused about my own life right now.

I never told him about the incident on Tuesday. I didn't want to be saved, I just wanted to sleep forever, but I woke up. My emotional state was so messed up and I'm still wondering why I'm here.

I'm going to really try and work on things. He's already trying and making sure i'm okay.

Thank you again K, I love you. You are so special to me and I'm glad I came to this site and met you. It's good to know that there are people like you still out there. You did not try to trick me and play with my emotions like some will do...

I know how u feel, I have been going through the same thing myself, but with mine its a roller coaster ride one day his listen and the man I marrried the next he is a stranger I can nit even be in the same room with. But back to your answer I think with women we what till the last straw and then when do when we have no other chioce the one thing I can say is he will not change so dont even try. If anything you have to change the way you view the marriage and go from there.

Last night and today were miserable for me. I tried to talk with him, but he was extremely irritable and didn't want to talk. How can I communicate if he won't listen? I saw a therapist today and she said "do you still love him?" I answered yes, but now that I'm thinking about it, maybe not. It's hard to give unconditional love. I don't even like myself, so how could I love someone else? I'm so messed up.

Hey, it's what I'm here for sweetheart

I'm glad you're giving life another chance. But I'm not glad to hear that he won't listen. You know, I think you're beginning to love you more and more because if you didn't, you wouldn't feel that his actions were so unfair on you, would you?

You can't let yourself give up hon, you know that there are so many people that love you! Especially me. If his actions are going to continue like this, then I think it's a good idea to explore with your therapist what would be the best thing to do.

I know you're so much stronger than you think you are and I know that you don't realise your own physical and emotional strength, but I see it and whether you like it or not, I'm gonna keep reminding you

You deserve so much better!

Please take care of yourself

I think you should give yourself and him the time
to reevaluate your relationship
then you both will do the right thing

Everyday feels like it's getting worse and worse. I'm getting angrier at him and myself. I just feel like a failure. Not only am I a failure in life, now I can't even make my marriage work. The sad thing is, whenever we have a fight I just wish I would have succeeded in killing myself.

What would you do next if there seemed to be no hope?

It's never good to have a conversation when a man is upset. In my experience with this, it starts into a arguement. I would tell him that you need to have a serious conversation with him. When you talk to him say "I", when you say "YOU" they think that us women are blaming them, when we arent really. I would say to him, I feel like I'm not getting my needs meet. Then explain, I need to feel your love, than give him examples of what you need. Tell him too, that if there isn't some kind of a change, then you might need to end the relationship. Hope this helps.

It's not all hopeless! You're trying and that shows that you're willing to make this work. As jerrymichele said, you need to try saying "I" instead of "You". Try telling him "I feel ..... when this happens"

You're doing what you can and remember, you have lots of people around you, including me! And I have given you my email address so that you can email me anytime you need to and I'll answer asap.

I care, we all care, even your Husband cares deep down. You just need to bring that out of him, up to the surface. You CAN and WILL do this, please don't give up.

I you

((gingerkat))

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your H.
What really bothers me (and reminds me of myself) reading your posts is how poorly you think of yourself.

You may not ever get H to be communicative, but you CAN work on your own sense of self. Even if H miraculously turns into an always loving partner, you will still be left with a depleted sense of who you are. You have to heal YOU before you can focus on healing the relationship.

Spend some time with T or with trusted friends remembering who you are. All of who you are -- and forget about H for a moment. When you feel good and strong and are able to like yourself, then you can make an thoughtful decision about what is best for your life.

Personally, I found myself in a position where I was almost waiting for H to change so that I could heal. I felt like if H wasn't going to change, then there was no hope for my healing. That kept me stuck. I gave H all of my power by doing that. If H was in a bad mood, I was tense. If H was happy, I was happy but tense waiting for the next bad mood. Slowly I have been able to separate and create an emotional space for myself. H can be in a bad mood and I can be happy and that is 'ok'. The beauty is that I feel better about myself and the pressure to 'fix' the relationship is gone. There are still issues we need to work on, but I am much more peaceful now that I have learned to like myself again -- regardless of H's mood.

Gingerkat's original post speaks of ongoing problems in the marriage. These problems requires a response from both parties. So far, apparently H is unwilling to provide one. It is not gingerkat's responsibility to try to fix the marriage on her own.

I agree with Tishie and ChipmunkGal's advice to see a marriage counselor on her own (since H won't go with her). That counselor can help her sort out the situation and what if anything to do next.

With regard to gingerkat's self-esteem: It may well be that the marriage itself is a main source of her low self-esteem. A counselor can help her figure that out.