[dotbar]

I have been married for 27 years and had an affair for 2.5 years. It officially ended 6 weeks ago, but in reality was over 5 months previous to that--I just didn't know it. I haven't told my husband and I never plan to. I'm looking for support as I put it behind me and seek to rebuild my marriage (restore and improve it).

I have been researching methods of moving on quickly and breaking the emotional tie that was forged during the affair. I bought a few books and worked through them which was helpful. I began to journal a few pages daily which I immediately destroyed each time. Now I have settled on focusing my efforts on controlling my emotions/will/thoughts so that my emotions won't overpower me when I think of him.

Any thoughts are welcome.

[jerrymichele]

Some people would disagree with this, but I wouldn't tell him either. Why hurt your husband when you don't need to. I still do believe in monogamy. I would start going to therapy first. I seem to think that you would need to heal from the affair before you can try and make your marriage work. Then again you need to figure out why you had the affair. Did you end the affair because of your husband? Or did the guy you had the affair with, end it with you? You also might need to come clean about the whole entire thing before you can move on.

[dotbar]

I repeatedly ended and recanted throughout the 2.5 years until finally my lover began a relationship with someone else but neglected to tell me. He just quit getting together with me but kind of waffled along. I pointedly ask several times if he was moving on but he'd never just say it. To my shame, I didn't take the hint but hung on until I saw his status in Facebook as "in a relationship"...obviously not with me b/c he was making it public (which of course hurt more since our 'relationship' was always hidden). Logic tells me that what i have with my husband if 100 times superior to what my lover could have offered but try telling that to your emotions. It never could have worked anyway. I am making progress moving on for sure and determined to take a 'mind over emotion' approach at this point (condition my mind not to allow my emotions to take control). I think the biggest problem in my marriage is our sex life which got off to a rocky start from the first night. I'm in my midlife crisis (went back to university, lost 40lbs, got a nice haircut, took up long distance running, doing weight training, etc.) and my libido suddenly peaked. I made a deliberate decision to test the waters with this professor--it seemed like my last chance to experience what I craved-hot passionate sex. Not very commendable of me, I am well aware. But don't fear, I'm paying the price for it now. I have almost forgiven him for letting me linger those last 5 months (after all, there's no honor among theives) and I'm willing myself to be philosophical. Heartbreak is nothing new and in my case, well deserved.

[Gleak]

Dotbar,

I disagree with JerryMichelle. A marriage is a lifelong commitment to another. As you well know, clear, open and honest communication is the only way a marriage will last.

Not telling him - isn't exactly lying but it isn't clear, open or honest, either. The main thing is - What if, by some means... he found out by some other third party who isn't you? The trust issues that would be generated by this would be devastating to your marriage and likely the results wouldn't be satisfying.

However, if he found out FROM YOU - then it's certain that he can still trust you, even though he believes he still can at this moment, no? Every day that you wake up, and brush your teeth in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror, you'll not see your true self.

Personally, I couldn't live a lie like that. Telling him most definitely wouldn't be easy. It's likely it will be painful for both you and him. If the two of you love each other, even an obstacle such as this can be overcome - it'll take work, dedication, heart & soul as well as a good deal of time but it IS possible and given my opinion, I recommend this to be the path you should take.

Sincerely,

-Gleak

[AAAAA]

For the record, I agree with Gleak. In my opinion part of the rebuilding process of your marriage would be to be honest with your husband.

I don't think there is any "quick" way to move on from this or any relationship, there's a process we go through. I do wish you luck on your journey though.

[dotbar]

Thanks for your input everyone. I have already decided at this point not to tell my husband about the affair. I am, however, very determined to put it behind me and move on. Please feel free to share any advice or thoughts as to how to do that. Thanks!

[50guy]

Dotbar;

There may come a time when you can tell you husband about it but, I don't think now is that time. You first need time to heal and get your thoughts together. I've been married to the same woman for 36 years and for 29 I have been faithful the first 6 years were not good I was not faithful X2. She knows about it and has come to accept it and heal, she still gets a bit nervous when I counsel or am friends with other women.

I always tell her, "honey, I love you and if I didn't I'd be gone." Life is too short to be unhappy. I'm not the jealous type either and she knows that.
She has a couple of male friends and she knows that I am at the point in life that if she wants to go......get to steppin' cause I have more years behind me then I got in front of me. Would I be hurt, yeah for a while but, I would get used to it. I can bounce back from anything.

Put things in perspective before you say anthing, think about what it would cost in emotional and mental health.

Good luck,

[MyBestKids2]

Hi Dotbar,

I won't pretend to imagine the inner turmoil you are experiencing. I will agree with you, and think its best not to reveal anything about the relationship; now anyway.

I don't have any savvy advice. However, I do wish you peace and luck on the very difficult road ahead.

Thinking of you!

[dotbar]

I so much appreciate the support from everyone--no matter what your view, it is helpful. I am moving ahead for the most part with only brief, intermittent storms (usually in the car when I'm alone and I think about my lover with his new girlfriend--man that hurts). It helps to interact with others instead of having it hidden and grieving alone, pretending nothing is wrong. I have copied/pasted images representing my new life (goals) that I look at every day. I tried to upload it but its too big apparently...anyway I feel I am making some good strides ahead but I still need your support until I'm completely out of the woods. Thanks!

[dotbar]

I have really been struggling with anger this past week. I keep visualizing telling my ex lover that I hate him and despise him for setting me up the way he did. All during those last 5 months I was sending periodic texts that were intimate, sharing my feelings with him, he was busy working on his new relationship without even telling me. I feel exposed and foolish.

The ironic thing is that I have done exactly the same thing to my husband. I am having some trouble reconciling my anger over the injustice while also being guilty of the same thing.

My plan is to never actually see him again (though I may actually see him next spring when my classes begin again and he teaches on the campus I attend--if we both end up with classes in the same time frame...) which would be good in every way except one--I have this secret pet desire to have him see me now that I've lost 20lbs (hopefully 25lbs by then) and be sorry for leaving.

What a painful screw up! I wish I could just move on already.

[AAAAA]

Oh no, based upon this last post it doesn't sound like you're in the "healing" stage, still in the "just wait until he gets a load of me now" stage. Danger Will Robinson, Danger.

[dotbar]

I know, it's discouraging since I thought I was actually much further. On the other hand, I am kind of bouncing around all the stages I think. For a long time I felt pretty good but I've had a few recent reminders of him so maybe its just a brief episode. I hope so. But right now I'm so mad!

What an a.h. he is though....!!!

Re:"Danger Will Robinson, Danger." ----> lol! I don't think there's any danger mostly because I'm sure he's long gone as far as his interest in me. And I can't see getting back into that even should he approach me. He's pretty much stabbed me in the heart.

And I should clarify that I don't want him to see me and see how fantastic I now look so we can go back to the affair but because I would feel better if he pined over what he can no longer have--a kind of revenge. In my fantasy, he is smitten by my great beauty and emerging abs, begging me to take him back as I toss my mane of luscious, bouncy hair, smirk (with a hint of pity in my eyes...), snort, and walk away. Sounds pretty good, hey?

[AAAAA]

I understood what you were saying, and the danger in my opinion is that it sounds very much like if he decided to pick up the relationship where you left off that you'd be up for that. Which says to me that you need a little work on your self esteem. When someone treats you poorly YOU are the only person that can stand up and say I will not take this no matter what, I'm worth more than this.

[dotbar]

You probably have a point there. I'm angry at him and I don't think I'd go back if he came calling...but there is a little part of me that doesn't seem so sure. Kind of disconcerting.

The odd thing is that my self esteem has risen by leaps and bounds since he stopped seeing me causing my focus to turn to myself as a distraction (got a fabulous hair stylist doing new things every visit, another 20lbs weight loss over 6 months, fun new clothes). I can see that I still look to others for affirmation somewhat but not as much as I used to.

I am still smarting from the shock of assuming he had no one else in his life and finding out otherwise as well as the feelings of rejection (he chose her over me) but I also know that it was an impossible situation and that the only legitimate grievance I have is that he neglected to tell me outright it was over.

Still I really think there isn't any likelihood of going back into the affair simply because his new relationship will probably last for at least a year which means I'll be close to finishing school and never see him again. As it is, he will avoid my campus as much as possible. He lives in another city about 30 minutes away. Also he is the type who is very decisive as well so once he makes a decision he is unlikely to change his mind. He is a master at compartmentalization and purposely stays emotionally detached and unavailable (which spells doom for his future relationships I would think--if past is an indicator of the future (2 previous failed marriages in his past).

I think that with a little more time, there won't be that little uncertainty about what I would do if there was a chance to continue in the affair. I think it is an indication of a self esteem issue but I also think that it is a gap in my armor that will close once the initial grief has progressed a little farther along through the stages of healing. Definitely worth thinking about though...

[dotbar]

Ironically I almost literally ran into my ex lover tonight just before class started. I was sitting around a table just outside my auditing prof's office with a few other students and was getting up quickly to gather my books. As I began to walk, I almost collided with my ex lover who was walking to his office. Strangely enough, he isn't teaching this summer! The wonderful thing is...I felt nothing! and I still don't about 4 hours later. He isn't looking particularly well (seems to have put on weight and hair is not neatly trimmed) which kind of helps to see him in reality rather than grieving him as a fantasy. I think things are looking up!!

[hoping4best]

hi dotbar, i have read all tht has been posted so far n i feel really sorry for wat u have been going through. its really hard to cope up after u get broken up,i know. there's one thing common between u n me n that is me too tried contacting my bf (he wasnt my bf really but we were close) for whole 5 months after he startd ignoring me. he wouldnt jus say its over n i kind of kept begging..yeah begging..to tell me wats on his mind. then finally after 5 months he has told me not to contact him again. u see guys r so unpredictable.

u'r here 2 seek help..but may b we shud help each other too here on this forum. i nvr got physical with him but im still feeling guilty for getting involved in aal that. wat u say about it?

regards~

[dotbar]

My God that must have hurt to have him tell you to stop contacting him. I was bracing for just that same thing as I sent off a few last emails (one to tell him what a ***** he was for not telling me he was 'in a relationship' and a second more gracious one to regain my dignity before I stopped contacting him. I actually blocked his email just in case he would send a reply that would hurt so he might even have done so, but I don't even want to know.

So I suppose the lesson here is to trust your intuition--always believe the behavior rather than the words. I wish I had done so and just cut him loose all those months ago..that stupid a**h***.

I guess I haven't reached the forgiveness stage, huh?!

Here's something to read that I found helpful and actually had to laugh out loud afterward.

http://breakupsurvivor.com/BreakupSu...?gender=Female

So sorry for your pain...I surely know how it feels.

[1awl]

Originally Posted by dotbar

I have been married for 27 years and had an affair for 2.5 years. It officially ended 6 weeks ago, but in reality was over 5 months previous to that--I just didn't know it. I haven't told my husband and I never plan to. I'm looking for support as I put it behind me and seek to rebuild my marriage (restore and improve it).

I have been researching methods of moving on quickly and breaking the emotional tie that was forged during the affair. I bought a few books and worked through them which was helpful. I began to journal a few pages daily which I immediately destroyed each time. Now I have settled on focusing my efforts on controlling my emotions/will/thoughts so that my emotions won't overpower me when I think of him.

Any thoughts are welcome.

Sorry for your situation. Adultury causes marital discord. Believe me I am an expert on this. trial and error. but who am I to moralize. I think your so smart not to tell your husband. Of course it would be nice to have everything in the open and equal if his feelings wouldn't be hurt. I'd err on the side of caution if I were you.

I just got with my woman 6 month ago and we have no problems like this. I pray to god I never have a problem like this. But I do think it is only human nature if you are "tired" of your husband to do what you did. Men keep mistresses all the time. So what if you did the same thing. I don't mean to promote amorality and really I am not laughing at your situation. I hope you can mend your broken heart.

[xxWant2Escapexx]

Originally Posted by dotbar

My God that must have hurt to have him tell you to stop contacting him. I was bracing for just that same thing as I sent off a few last emails (one to tell him what a ***** he was for not telling me he was 'in a relationship' and a second more gracious one to regain my dignity before I stopped contacting him. I actually blocked his email just in case he would send a reply that would hurt so he might even have done so, but I don't even want to know.

So I suppose the lesson here is to trust your intuition--always believe the behavior rather than the words. I wish I had done so and just cut him loose all those months ago..that stupid a**h***.

I guess I haven't reached the forgiveness stage, huh?!

Here's something to read that I found helpful and actually had to laugh out loud afterward.

http://breakupsurvivor.com/BreakupSu...?gender=Female

So sorry for your pain...I surely know how it feels.

OMG dotbar.......that was awesome...definitely something every broken hearted ,dumped,chic should read.......thanks for sharing

[dotbar]

I know! Whoever wrote it is the most fabulous cheerleader for dumped women ever! What a way to hold your help up, eh?!

[hoping4best]

oh thanx a lot dotbar! thanks for the kind words. i belong to another part of world,n here relationships usually dont go tht far as 2 get physically involved..but even then we do have the same heart as other women in rest of the world! thts y im so broken! n u know wat..guys are also the same everywhere else..stone-hearted n mean! aint it?

[dotbar]

Originally Posted by dotbar

I know! Whoever wrote it is the most fabulous cheerleader for dumped women ever! What a way to hold your help up, eh?!

...make that 'hold your HEAD up'!! lol

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello dotbar,
I've recommended the following link many times to people who are attempting to heal from an affair and rebuild their marriage. I didn't agree with everything I read there and you probably won't either but there is a great deal of informative material -- you are bound to find something applicable to your own situation. It's also helpful that it's free: marriagebuilders.com

~ Namaste

.

[dotbar]

Originally Posted by spiritual_emergency

Hello dotbar,
I've recommended the following link many times to people who are attempting to heal from an affair and rebuild their marriage. I didn't agree with everything I read there and you probably won't either but there is a great deal of informative material -- you are bound to find something applicable to your own situation. It's also helpful that it's free: marriagebuilders.com

~ Namaste

.

Thank you so much SE for the link. That, of course, is the other side of the coin--rebuilding. I will definitely explore that link.

[dotbar]

Okay, I need some support today. I've had a temporary relapse.

This morning a seemingly odd text I received last November from my ex-lover suddenly makes sense--after all this time, go figure! He had replied to a text I had sent mourning the fact that he was so busy and wondering when we would meet again. He said "we have to be patient until January." It seemed odd to me that he would choose January as a time when he would be free but I guess I assumed he had some renovation jobs (he does this on the side of teaching) that ended then. But the reality is that that text wasn't meant for me. It was meant for the other person he was planning to begin a relationship with (the one he 'forgot' to tell me about). He had mentioned at one point that a student in her 30's had approached him to go out but he told her he didn't date students. That was all he told me. I had been his student and we had started talking until we began the affair. He couldn't see me until January (2 years prior) because I was his student at the time--conflict of interest. So in other words, he repeated exactly the same scenario with her but didn't cut me loose in the meantime...he just tried to make me disappear by ignoring me. My God. What a jerk.

I have this sudden desire to send him a text telling him that he is lower than a pile of crap on the ground and calling him every foul word I can conjure up. I am so outraged this morning.

My 'logical' self is saying that the better course of action is to leave it alone. I removed him as a contact from every email and blocked him from seeing my facebook page. I am going to find out how to block him from my phone until November when my contract ends and I get another phone. I suddenly have this need to tell him just how much I hate and despise him as a coward and a user. I want to say things to hurt him like he has hurt me.

I feel a part of me turning hard like steel--an icy cold fury. That part of me that truly despises him tells me to continue to perfect my body and my life and when our paths cross which I'm sure they likely will (whether by his design or chance), and when the worm wiggles into my path to coldly step over him knowing he will see how good I look and know that he will never have that again. I have determined to count him as dead not even make eye contact but look through him.

Even though I have been guilty of doing harm to my husband (despite the fact he is unaware of the affair) that does not give my ex-lover the right to treat me in such a disrespectful manner--what he did was wrong.

Even though I want to send off one more scathing text or email (knowing he is helpless to reply because he is blocked--evil lol!) I am thinking this is probably not a good idea.

What I need is someone to tell me why this is not a good idea....