Can't shake the thoughts this week

Thank you both...
I don't know if he meant to manipilate me or not.. I think he saw me as a shoulder too cry on... I have told him that I can't be his friend for the moment. That he can't use me while he is emotionally unstable.

Marjan - i have a date with a new guy on Saturday night.. I was not giving my fun up LOL.

The bugger of it all is that the hope had gone.. and he's put it back in my head.. I HATE that.. hate that he is in control of my emotions...

I will continue to move closer to closure.. I was almost there and then he does this!
So frustrating.
I told him to take "me" out of the equation and sort out his s**t.

I think you are doing well Belle and I think you are on the right track.

I suspect that Mark wont stop contacting you unless you firmly tell him not to. Maybe even block his number.

You should not be the one to tell him to sort himself out.

He should be the one begging for you to forgive him.

Mark him off. Its hard but necessary for your well being and ability to move forward.

We are all here for you xx

Thanks Tatyaya.
The most painful thing is that I still love him. It just won't go away. If he does come chasing me and make the right positive steps then I would take him back in a flash... I didn't intend to ever.. I just wanted him to feel the pain that I have but now he's changed the dynamic in my head again.
I asked him if I was chasing an impossible dream (wanted a flat out I never want to get back with you or no I do want you back).. I got a 'non-answer' "I always wanted to be friends, I don't know about anything further. I need to sort my self out first".

I have to get back to the mind set that there is no future - that's how I was, I had gotten over the thought of ever getting back with him.
Saying "I miss you, I miss us" sucked... it gave me false hope what I was sure was gone from my head... he could have just said "I miss you".. that wouldn't haven't made me grab the wrong end of the stick and run wild with it

I just want to spend the day crying... luckily (or unluckily depending on how you look at it) i am busy at work so i have to just keep getting on and not break down.

I know you love him honey. As long you have contact with him you will still love him. It takes time and distance and your own breathing space without his influence - to get over him. You owe it to yourself.

He is messed up and messing you up with him. Why should you be friends or go back to someone who has caused you so much hurt? why giving him so much control over you? he is not your dad or your mum. he is a guy. one that you love but hurts you. love yourself. heal yourself. and the little girl inside you that craves change and hope and love and acceptance and that wishes upon a dream. Heal her and you will feel so much better. A good step is to stop contact with those that hurt her and also do nice things for this little beautiful kind girl. She so deserves it Belle xxx

(((((((((belle))))))))))

so sorry you've had this setback.

Thanks Tatyana. I know this is great advice and I need to take it but it's so darn hard!
I guess if I look at it rationally (not the most easy way to look at it) now he knows that I still have feelings for him. I have kept things on a strickly 'friend' level for the past 3 months. I didn't have these feelings (well not that I was aware anymore) until his message. I can't be his support. I will leave it up to him to contact/makes amends with me. I am not chasing a dream.. he can do that.
I thought I would be gald when he started doubting the feelings for Lisa but it has just screwed up my progress into a happy life. i was so depressed a week ago... and now that's stuck with me. My T asked if i was just dumped by a wave or if I was washed out to sea and land wasn't in sight anymore... well I can only just see a distant land and it's getting further away.

This wasn't meant to happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why would he write in is messages when I asked him (earlier on in this nightmare) "what did you hope to get from telling me you missed me, mnissed us".. He replied with "I know you would never take me back so that wasn't it.. I miss you and do miss us and I wanted to tell you that. You are the only one I can tell my feelings too"

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I want him back in my life

Bloom thank you... hugs to both of you from me xx

Belle - you are a strong girl. You know whats going on. Change your thinking. Put yourself in the middle - then he becomes less important. You cannot control what in his mind and what he does. You can control what is happening in your life, and you do not need him to define who you are. Stop analysing it. Do something else that makes you feel good instead. You are slipping into the codepedence thing again and into the drama. You are letting the obsessive thoughts take over. Mark is not worth it! Hugs back xxx

Thanks Tatyana..
I'll repeat in my head.. I am my own woman, I am strong, I am better than him and his problems.

Yes, thats right.
Also - you are your own woman, you do not need him to define who you are, you deserve love and respect, you are lovely and beautiful and all negativity should be the legacy of the past. Now move to a healthy future.

I hug you xxx

p.s. maybe you want to visit this site: http://www.narcissismcured.com
they have some good resources. check this:
http://www.narcissismcured.com/Our_Products.html there are some audios that are very good to overcome codependency and raise self esteem and deal with anxiety

hugs and love to you !!!!

No matter the outcome I WILL have want I want not what anyone else wants.. I will not fall back in the trap of being emotionally trapped/controlled/triggered but others.. I will be in control of my emotions (my thought for the day)

Belle, I'm LOL with you. I've had a go at yoga for a good while and can finally do some of the poses (ha) correctly. I'm stretching with you on reaching goals. Tried Hawtha (sp) and thought I would croak. Yoga class is a good first step, relaxing and easy environment. Take care.

I asked mark straight out if I he wanted to be with me again or not.. I need a yes or no answer but I didn't get it of course... I got

Sorry, Belle. I can only shake my head. Without any intention of being mean-spirited, I can only conclude he still owns you.

Byz I have never thought of it that way.. but you are right i think... he owns part of my heart. I thought that was all over but he throws things at me when I am not ready.. I don't think he is being manipulative intentionally... i think he didn't know that the option of 'me' was there.. but to some extent he had to have known that i wasn't totally over him...

((((((( Belle )))))))

I just want to sit in a corner somewhere and cry... I love him but hes not going to come back to me.. I think I know that. I want to be back in the place where I was getting happy.

Thanks Byz xxxxx

Belle....sit in the corner and cry....cry so hard till there are no tears to come.....then stand up on your feet, heads up to the sky and walk forward.....delete his number, block him from your cellphone, email, facebook and delete him from your memory little by little.....accept the fact of him being gone....don't let him to make you cry again....
He may be not manipulating you, but his action is manipulating anyway!
That's what I always say about Aaron, he doesn't know that he's a player, but he is!
my heart is with you....and plus you have a date on Saturday....yoho....

I have a new idea.. I'll look at this as another learning curve. I wanted him and Lisa to have a sh***y relationship and sounds like thay are... I wanted it to end and it may just do that... this may not be the healthly way but if i focus on just being pleased that he's not happy and not think that it's a chance to get back with him.. then I can pass the days okay.

• Chinese, the phrase xìngzāi lèhuò (simplified Chinese: 幸灾乐祸; traditional Chinese: 幸災樂禍) is an old idiom that directly translates to "enjoying (other's) calamity (and) laughing at (other's) misfortune".
• Danish: Egen lykke er at foretrække men andres ulykke er dog ikke at foragte: "(One's) own happiness is to be preferred, but the misfortune of others should not be scorned."
• Danish: Der er ingen fryd som skadefryd: "There is no glee like schadenfreude."
• Dutch: Geen schoner vermaak dan leedvermaak proverb: "No pleasure more beautiful than schadenfreude." (Proverb, often used ironically).
• German: Neid zu fühlen ist menschlich, Schadenfreude zu genießen teuflisch: "To feel envy is human, to savour schadenfreude is devilish." (Arthur Schopenhauer)
• German: Schadenfreude ist die schönste Freude: "Schadenfreude is the best form of joy." Often used ironically to criticize somebody's display of schadenfreude. A modern witticism; the real German proverb from which this derives is "Vorfreude ist die schönste Freude." (Anticipation is the best joy.)
• German: Lachen heißt: schadenfroh sein, aber mit gutem Gewissen: "Humour is just Schadenfreude with a clear conscience." (Nietzsche)
• Estonian: kahjurõõm on kõige suurem rõõm
• Finnish: vahingonilo on aidointa iloa, sillä siihen ei sisälly tippaakaan kateutta: ("schadenfreude is the most genuine kind of joy, since it doesn't include even a drop of envy").
• French: Le malheur des uns fait le bonheur des autres proverb: "One person's misfortune is another's happiness". However, the equivalence here is inexact, as the proverb really means that only that one person would benefit from another's misfortune, not actually find pleasure in misfortune for its own sake. A better expression would be "Se réjouir du malheur d'autrui" ("to gloat")
• Hebrew: אין שמחה כשמחה לאיד‎: "There is no joy like schadenfreude"
• Hungarian: legszebb öröm a káröröm
• Japanese, the phrase 他人の不幸は蜜の味 (tanin no fukō wa mitsu no aji, 他人の不幸は蜜の味?), translates literally as "others' misfortunes are the taste of honey."
• Korean: 고소하다 gosohada, literally translated means "to smell sesame oil", because in Korea the smell of sesame oil is regarded as very pleasant, this phrase also is used when one is pleased about a particular event. It is especially used when one is pleased about an event involving the misfortune of another.
• Malay: padan muka means "fits your face" but the more appropriate English translation is: "You got what you deserved";
• Norwegian: skadefryd er den eneste sanne gleden "schadenfreude is the only true joy"
• Romanian: să moară şi capra vecinului "let the neighbour's goat die too", when you are happy if the same misfortune happens to others too.[21]
• Slovak: škodoradosť je najväčšia radosť "schadenfreude is the greatest joy"
• Swedish: skadeglädjen/skadefryd är den enda sanna glädjen/fryd "schadenfreude is the only true joy"
• Thai: สมน้ำหน้า som nam na, can be interpreted as: "You got what you deserved"; "Serves you right"; or "I'm laughing at your bad luck".

When my fiance and I split up his ex threw a party and his daughter rang me on my birthday (which was a day after she learnt we are not together) and left the phone on while she was not talking to me but to her friend and saying to her friend, with this really happy extatic voice, that this is the best day of her life and that she is so happy and she is going out to celebrate.

I can never understand this sort of mean thinking. There is always an element of judgemental convinction in that and I think we will all be better off focusing on ourselves. Our own happiness. Making ourselves better and content within ourselves. I feel sorry for this girl. My sad day was the happiest day of her life.

Belle,

I don’t get it. Why would it make you happier to know that he and his gf have a ****ty relationship? You need to move on and the quality of their relationship should have nothing to do with your happiness from now on. Otherwise you are only proving Byz’ point here: he still owns you.

John

LOL....((BAD BELLE)).....
when Aaron was dating the other girl and he even posted on his facebook that he's in a relationship with her (very quickly just a month after our break up)....I got so upset, but then I couldn't be so upset on the girl....I was feeling pity for her for being with a guy like Aaron who is such a player....I thought about them breaking up and he gets back to me, but then I thought she will be hurt and what a difference if I cry or she cries.....but at the end she dumped him...and now I think he's with somebody else....who cares anymore....yes, I got a little bit happy when I found out they split up, but I didn't want them to have pain.....
try to develop compassion in your heart not hatred....
Mark is not good for you and probably he's not good for any girls.....just move on....and be hopeful for future.....there are so many other guys out there....give yourself some time and then start dating....probably it's very soon for you to date, it's hard to get connected.....
I always need some quality of time after a break up....sometimes it takes a year or so.....
Trust yourself and accept the situation.....
take care
Marjan

Indulging in schadenfreude isn't the real you Belle though I can imagine in does ease the pain of the moments a touch. I imagine a lot of us say something like 'You'll get yours' when hurt by another. Acting it out like the ex wife and daughter in Tatyana's case is taking it to another level of cruelty. I am sorry that happened to you Tatyana.

It is toxic to wish badly for another but it is likely a pretty natural phase in the process of letting go and restoring one's own self esteem. It becomes a vicious circle though because like you have said before as soon as you see the suffering you wished for you want to jump in and relieve the sufferer of the pain.

I did cry alot those early months after my ex and I split up. I flip flopped again and again about what I thought I wanted. One day I wanted him back and was prepared to do most anything. Another day I didn't want to be with a man I couldn't depend on and I was glad we finally called it quits. I would read things into his words and actions only to be hurt again by my own imaginings.

I remember getting together with him to talk about spliting some assets. While arranging to meet he said something that got me thinking he was hinting at getting back together. Similar to Mark he said he missed the life we had. Missed me. But none of that meant he was going to turn back the clock. It was just a statement of fact. A thoughtless statement of fact given my vulnerabilities. Something he was adjusting to, nothing more. Seems men and women may process things differently then woman. Surprise surprise.

I guess I finally recognized that and eventually over time I have let go of most of my reunion fantasies. Just give them up. I can see my ex in his entirety now. I can look at our relationship with more clarity. The good and the bad. I can see the gains of living separate lives. I do remember thinking I hope he is lonely so of course when he reported feeling lonely I read it as a way back together. I didn't want him to be lonely or to be miserable as much as I wanted the loneliness, the misery to bring him back to me.

You say you want Mark to be miserable with Lisa so he knows your pain.... which he can never know but you so wish he could.... just because it isn't fair and he deserve to suffer and... and.... it can really get you going when you start rationalizing the desire to see him suffer. While the rage provides its own temporary relief and it may feel good in the moment, even empowering..... you know its just a deversion from feeling your own pain. Transfering the pain so that you aren't thinking about what you really want and that is for him to come crawling back to you.

He sets you up to think it might be possible and your emotions are all a muddle again. Yes he owns this part of your heart and your head. Forget the reasons why a relationship with Mark has not future. Forget he can't be trusted. Forget he is loaded with so many issues he may never be good husband and father material. Certainly not in the foreseeable future. Forget the facts and get lost in the past and in the illusions and get played by the intentional or unintentional manipulations that any contact with Mark exposes you to.

You were well on your way to imagining a new life forward without Mark in it. You were validating yourself and your dreams for the future. You were connecting with your vision of a man who will be faithful to you and a who will be a stable parent when the day comes. You were imagining yourself with such a man until a text came in from Mark. Suddenly the new vision is blurred.

Mark has done you a favour Belle with this latest turn of events. He has let the final shoe drop and now there is no doubt where he stands. On very shakey ground, lost and distructive. A relationship with him is a day to day affair. He had 5 years to show himself to be the man you want to have children with and to grow old with. You thought he was that man but he knows he isn't. He showed you again with this last round of miscommunications that he will never be that man. Life with him will be one drama, one heartbreak after another. For some time to come if not always he will be the most needy, the most demanding and most unstable in any relationship he is in.

The codependance of your relationship with Mark was destined to bring the love affair to an end eventually Belle. You couldn't carry him or cater to him forever. You couldn't do enough of anything to make him stay or at least stay faithful. He did you a favour to bring it to an end before you had children with him or lost any more time to making your dreams come true with him. He is not your dream making partner.

Cry out all the tears and then decide that there will be no more tears for Mark. There will be no more tears shed for a man who has no place in his heart or his life for you and your dreams. For a man who can't measure up to your needs. He may miss you in his bed. Miss you taking care of him. Miss you being there to listen to him. To make him laugh and to make him feel good about himself. Sure he misses you because the relationship was all about Mark.

In time you will see the gift. As you continue to grow and identify to the woman you are becoming you will see yourself better off for moving on. You would have been settling for so much less than you deserve Belle if you were still with Mark. You may not have met the new Belle you are getting to know now if Mark had not betrayed you. You may never have validated your own dreams had the rug not been pulled out from under you.

At one point I remember saying a quiet thank you to my ex. Thank you for giving me the chance to be me again. Too many dreams get stiffled in an attempt to preserve a dysfunctional relationship. Thank you for releasing me to be me again. We don't seem to get that when we are caught in the emotions of loss and change. We resist change to the point of denying ourselves.

Change is inevitable..... growth is optional.

You are growing in leaps and bounds Belle. Don't stop now. This is just another one of those bumps in the road you are travelling. The view from the top is what you are after. Keep climbing. We are here to help you up the hills Belle. This is just a hill on the path. You will see from a distance how the waves hit the shore and gently slide back into the ocean. Again and again they rise, fall and in their perfect time slide back into the whole again. Such is life. Sometimes it is distance that gives us the greatest clarity of the bigger picture.

Beyond the heartache that can be reignited by Mark's premeditated or thoughtless actions.... matters not which..... there is you Belle taking stock of your own dreams and moving towards them. That was where you were before Mark drop his little bomb. Your pride and your pity guide your inital responses to the tugs on your heart but your self love and persistance will determine you future steps from this day forward.

Well written Sanity
Certain things are out of our controls and all we can do is just "Let it go"!!!!
Attachment is the source of most of our problems....wish for the day of none attachment!