feeling guilty of not wanting to spend time with my mum :(

I feel bad....very bad that I don't enjoy going out with mum....It's so stressful to be with her....she gets angry at people at situations....she gets rude sometimes....

I had such a long day today.....I took her to Palm Spring...shopping, gambling and dining....It was okay....very hot....however, she had a good day, but not necessary a good day for me....

unfortunately, it's so difficult to deal with my mum....I love her so much, but I don't like any of her behaviors at all....I don't say anything to her and she had a good day which is good....but I really don't enjoy my time with her....then I feel so bad....I think I carry guilt on my shoulders....

It's just so scary being with her, because I have to be careful she doesn't get angry....if she gets angry, she does stuff that it's out of control and embarrassing....such a shame....so, I'm always supper careful with her....I know how much she loves us, but her behaviors are bad....I told her nicely if she can see a therapist....I really hope she does that....she agreed....

she told me she was so angry after my dad passed away, because she didn't know anything to do....she said even writing a check was difficult for her....and then she was blaming it on my dad.....I don't buy her excuses at all....she was spoiled and pampered, never worked in her life....my dad was so liberal, he would not have said anything if mum wanted to work or do something....that's why I don't like when she blames dad for such a thing....

she told me how much my dad loved me and she said, she told my sister to be nice to me because that's dad's will and she told me again that I was dad's special child...I hold back my tears and I thought how much I miss my dad....He had such a good heart and he was so good to everybody.....I just miss him so much.....and honesty, I'm amazed how he lived with my mum for 40 years.....I'm such a bad daughter....but my other sisters think the same way....

mum has a good heart, but her anger is ruining everything she does for people....and she looses all her friendships and relationships over anger....because whenever she gets upset and angry, she says something that people won't forget.....she told me how lonely she is....even her sisters are not calling her or visiting her....I wish I could have told her "mum, you got to fix yourself....It's not them, it's you who make people to stay away from you!".....I wish I could have told her....I wish....

sorry for the long rant....I needed to take this off from my chest....feel so heavy on my shoulders....feeling guilty!
love you all
Marjan

Thanks for sharing, marjan. I was very, very angry, resentful and bitter for many years. My mouth forever beat my brain to the draw. Learning to forgive was a major factor in losing my hostility and aggressiveness.

I wish you luck in getting your mother to try therapy. As Jamie Huysman, PsyD, relates, "Isolation is a "cancer" for the recovering person's soul." Losing some of the anger should help your mother allow more people back into her life.

Be well.

marjan, my T taught me the difference between "like" (what we feel for a friend and those we enjoy being with) and "love" and it made a lot of difference in how I viewed being with my stepmother. I loved her but didn't have to like her because I didn't get to choose her like I do my friends and intimates.

Think about a friend and ask yourself 3 things you like about that friend and then apply those 3 characteristics to your mum. They won't fit No need to feel guilty; there are all sorts of people out there we don't want to be with and our mums just happen to be one. You're a wonderful daughter though because you take her out anyway (because you love her) and don't say anything about her bad behavior, etc. But there's no reason whatsoever to feel guilty! They're just not our friends!

Thank you Thank you thank you Perna.....I don't know how to say thanks....you made me cry....That's so true, there is a fine line between liking somebody and loving her....I do love my mum....I want all good things to happen to her.....but I do not like lots of things about her....
Like couple of months ago, she made me to call my dad's business partner.....I hate that guy...he is a total A.H., and I didn't see any reason to talk to him....and of course, I got into a big argue with him which I knew ahead of time...and that's not my style....because mum can't control her anger and can't deal with stuff without getting emotional and angry, she drags us into fighting too.....I simply hate that....but yet I do that because I have to back her up, because I have to protect her....but do I like it? NO!
Thanks again
Marjan

It seems to me that you have this unhelpful belief that if you do not want to spend time with your mother then you are a bad daughter. If your mother is not pleasant to be around, why would you want to? If you wanted to be around unpleasant people, that might be a problem but this seems quite normal to me.

If it helps, I do not like my mother. She is a miserable person. I haven't talked to her in almost twenty years. You at least are talking to your mother. Not liking spending time with your mother who is unpleasant does not make you a bad daughter. Not liking spending time with her and then choosing to not see or talk to her in twenty years might make you a bad daughter.

She's my mother, that's my duty to spend time with her....she loves me unconditionally....nobody else on earth have that love towards me.....that's why I have to spend time with her....she went through hell to give birth to me....the story of my birthday is so famous between my large extended family....that's why I feel guilty even not wanting to be with her....but I do call her....I take her out....and I don't say anything to stuff and things that she does and I absolutely don't like them....

Honesty, I think you should pick up a phone and call your mum now.....20 years is a long time.....I think it's time to forgive....one thing I found out with mum, I should not talk that much and follow her....I don't like it, but this is what it is....I can't change her....but I can control myself!

thanks
Marjan

I do forgive my mother, I did a long time ago. However, I choose not to hang out with my abuser.

marjan, you have a big heart. I admire you for your respect of and devotion to your mother.

Thanks TheByzantine.....I wish I had a big heart....I'm trying so hard and I fail most of the time!
I know my mother loves all her kids so much, but she doesn't know a lot of stuff that she tells us is so harmful....like she makes fun of my legs always....she has even name for my legs....I know I don't have a best legs....but I love my legs because I can dance with them and hike with them
I used to be so embarrassed and not wearing shorts or skirts....It took me long long time to change my mind about my legs and tell myself to love them....or she criticize my little tiny belly....She stare at it....and my mum is over weight lady while I'm so skinny....I got so brave on Sunday and I told her...."I'm the one in the family that is skinner than anyone else with a good figure and you still find a fault on me!"....she didn't say anything....my brother-in-law is over weight and he is going under a major diet which I think it's not good for him....It's all because my mum got here.....he lost 9 pound in a week....he's starving himself....and I know why is that....because mum doesn't like him and she kept saying....she doesn't see how happy and peaceful my sister is with him....
I can go on and on about her verbal abuse....she used to beat us up too....she denies now....but my older sister and I were the victims....we always talk about it....we told mum once that she was beating us, and she denied totally....I couldn't believe that....there was not a week going on without her beating us....I don't have any memory of my dad beating me....not even once...I was so lucky to have him as a father....Unfortunately, you learn those behaviors....I see my older sister beats her kids sometimes....and she gets so upset....I told her....do you remember mum? don't do the same thing to them....she cried so hard....she told me she hates it and she doesn't understand why she does that even!
The other day she told me that she feels her kids are getting out of control....what the heck!!!! my older sister is 40, I'm 36 and my younger sister is 28....what is being out of control? she wants to tell us what to do....I said nothing....there is no point of arguing with her....no point...she won't change!
But at the end....She's my mother....what can I do?

sorry for the long post....I got to get these off from my heart....I found PC a best place to write all my darkness thoughts.....I don't like to tell these to friends....It won't be helpful and it's better to not talk about them....

thanks in advance for reading this long post
Marjan

AkAngel....I'm sorry for what you went through....

Keep writing Marjan.. it's what PC and all the people here that care about you are for xx

Thanks Belle....ya...PC is really great....I was just going to email my sister and I stopped myself....I don't want to tell these to her in email....I prefer to write them here....
I think my mum has mental problem...seriously....it's so hard to deal with her...I'm having so much anxiety now....the whole day I had butterflies in my stomach....I was so nerves....I can't sleep now....I just don't want to spend any time with her....anything she does is not pleasent....I'm just wondering, she doesn't know that? nobody wants to be around her....she keeps saying...she has nobody....well....it's obvious....nobody likes her verbal abuse...and if she can she will get physical too....OMG....today I was so tired, I picked her up after work....I got the Blind Side DVD, I cooked for her....and I translated the 3 hours movie word by word....I've seen that movie already twice....and I have so much things to catch up....then I had to take her back to my sister....well...my whole day has gone....do you know what she told me at the end? She said she didn't want to go out and she yelled at me, because I just told her I got to go, I parked my car in a middle of the street....She doesn't get it....we have life here and I can't just leave my car in the middle of the street....the whole time I was with her, she just talked about herself....how wonderful she is....how good is her paintings....and how rich she is.....it makes me sick to my stomach....and I feel guilty of not wanting to be with her....all these has created me so much anxiety....my older sister emailed me saying thanks for all the stuff i do.....she told me she knows how hard is being with her even for a minute....Is it really so bad to not wanting your own mother? I simply don't want to be around her
oh god forgive me, but what the heck I did to have her as a mother....why not a polite and patient mother? why?
I cried so hard the whole time driving back home....
Does she even understand how bad is her behavior? I don't see the problem at all....doesn't get it that nobody wants to be with her....she tells me everybody is jealous at her....I asked her "why do they jealous?"...really " why?"....it's a joke to me....I wanted to scream and say that "probably, people are sick and tired of your shallow pride and your attitudes and your verbal abuse...probably, people are tired of you telling them you have money....probably, people are tired of you telling them you are the best!".....

my friends forgive me for my ranting....and please do ignore all my postings....I really need to take it out from my heart.....and here is the best place to write down instead of telling somebody who knows her....

I hope god gives me enough strength to deal with her and to be patient with her....but I really don't want to spend time with her tomorrow....it's like going to prison or hell!

marjan, good luck in taking negative emotions out of your heart.

http://www.commonsensepsychology.com/forgiveness.php

Be well.

Thanks TheByzantine.....I will definitely read this....I hate all these negative emotions towards my own mother....very hard to sort them out.....I was talking to my older sister and she told me that she has so much anxiety that mum wants to visit her....I know my mum and her family are mentally sick....my grandpa was so aggressive and my grandma was so depressed....these two people made nine children and all of them have mental problems....one hour they are laughing with you and all happy and the next hour they get into fight....It's so unpredictable and sad
She told me she will go see a doctor....but how much hope I can have that my 64 years old mother to get changed....the possibility is almost zero....
I cried so hard last night and today....my sister told me that she doesn't have the guilt feelings of not wanting to be with mum.....she said she used to have all these....but now she is okay and she tells her that her behaviors are bad.....I think probably I should tell her too.....It's bad that I stay so quiet on all of her abuse and misbehaviors.....I dont know what to do.....I just don't want to argue with her and have conflict.....I had enough during my childhood and teenage life....and early 20s....that's enough!

May you feel the strength of the PC Community trying to help you through the pain. You are in my thoughts.

OMG.....I need to rant.....I'm telling you all up front, I'm sorry for ranting....

my mother....my mother....my mother....she is just one selfish person who let herself to say whatever she wants....but you anybody says the same stuff that she tells people, she will flip out....

I think by the end of her trip, I would not have any teeth in my mouth since I'm just grinding to not say anything to her abusive words and behaviors....

I took half a day off yesterday to take her to the embassy, then at night, I took her to the restaurant then shopping, because my little sister had exam....I spent like the whole month with my grumpy mom who insulting me and hurting me with things that she tells me....constantly putting me down....like today....I was at my sister's home and I ate a bit of food....my mother turns back and said...whenever you come here, you eat for three days....OMG....I got so embarrassed.....jeez....my sister didn't say anything....it was just a little bit of soup that I had....WTF....if anybody tells her such a thing, she will make everybody's life like a hell.....

I said okay, I told her that was really bad what she told me.....I think she understood a little bit, because right away she told me "oh, I'm making a very good food tomorrow, you should come here"....WTF....why do you say bad thing to hurt my feeling then you want to correct it? too late....

Then my sister tells me to take mom to Mexico....god, don't they see that? I have a job....I can't get off all of a sudden....I have just few days vacations per day....and honesty, I don't want to ruin them being with her and her attitudes.....

My sister doesn't do anything.....like yesterday morning she could have taken mom to the embassy instead of sleeping at home....not me getting off from work drive 20 miles back and forth to take her to the embassy and then drive another 40 miles to work.....

My mother is 64 years old but no behavior at all....such a shame....

My friends want to come and visit her, I really don't want them to see my mom....she says stuff that embarrass me....specially, she talks about money so much....it's really embarrassing....

I feel bad in one had that my mom is so depressed and hopeless....and I want her to be happy....I try my best to do everything for her....but she opens her mouth and says whatever she wants.....and I can't even complain to her, because she will make a big deal about everything.....argggg

sorry guys again for long ranting.....I really needed to take it out.....
thanks for reading
Marjan

Sweet Marjan~

I've said this to you before quite sometime ago and I'm gladly saying it again...You are a wonderful person. You have inner beauty that is so abundant that it radiates through your every word.

Yes. You are your mother's daughter. Yes. You feel obligated to her because of your role in her life. Yes. You have proven (out of your own love for your mum..not out of sense of obligation) that you are the beautiful soul to her despite that she may not deserve you.
It is how you are...loving, compassionate, loyal, and obviously dedicated to being true to your own self. And anyone who is fortunate enough to have you in their lives and can't see your worth, then they do not deserve you.
However, the fact remains she is your mum and the maternal bond with her exceeds your choices, sometimes. You continue with your mum not only due to your love for her, but because of your grand character.

I'm sorry your mum is who she is and the role she is in your life. Unfortunately, you cannot change that...but that's ok. You have held true to yourself and that's what's so much more important.
You don't have to like her. And if you pardon my saying, from what you've described of this woman, there is little to like. You should not feel guilty for not liking your mom, or any family member. You have been placed there by fate, not by choice. It is not your fault that family members are not likable people.

Hypothetical situation:
Imagine meeting your mum for the first time as someone other than her being your mother. Would you consciously choose to be in her company? I don't think so. You wouldn't deliberately place yourself in the company of someone who makes you miserable. You have absolutely no sense of obligation to her as she is not the kind of person you would CHOOSE to have in your life, anyway. Therefore, there is no sense of guilt.
Just because she gave you life does not mean you have to like her.

My mom and I didn't get along, either. I couldn't win for losing with her and after living with enough of her psychological neglect and abuse, I finally concluded that I honestly simply didn't like the person. Yes. I loved her, that goes without saying.
It is not my fault that my mom had a crappy childhood. It is not my fault that she didn't know how to make her own children's childhood much better than her own. The only thing I am responsible for is what I do with what influence she did have in my life (negative, or positive)...don't mean I have to like her. I don't. And I don't feel guilty for that.
My mom passed almost 15 years ago...and honestly, I do not miss her. What I do miss is that maternal bonding we never had. But, I'd miss that, anyway, even if she was still alive. It's simply how it is.

Hold true to yourself, Marjan, which you are clearly doing. Your mom receives the credit for giving you birth. But you hold the credit for being the wonderful person you are today.

Much 's

Shangrala

Thanks Shangrala.....as usual, your wordings are so beautiful that I love to read them over and over....

My mom has two side, very caring and loving and very mean and hateful....and these two sides are changing so quickly....that's why she's so unpredictable....

Yes, I do love her....but I don't miss her....I can't be with her for more than couple of hours....and yes, that's sad....but what can I do?

I want all good for her, and I feel so horrible for what she's going through....I begged my older sister when mom is visiting her in UK, she stays cool and not getting into argue with her.....I told my sister how fregile mom is with all things that is going on in her life....losing dad was a big thing for her....it's so hard for her to deal with it....at top of that two of her brothers, my uncles, passed away one after the other last year....that's really hard....I know....but still it's hard to deal with her....

I'm dealing with so many stuff these days....I got to find a better place to live....this home is so close to high way....I can't get good night sleep....I'm so tired

Thanks again for your support.....
Marjan

Don't feel guilty. You are not alone. Lots of people have toxic mothers that they really shouldn't spend too much time with, honestly. It sounds like you live with her so this might be very difficult. Get out if you can.

I can't stand being around my mother. Although she is nice to other people she seems to be unable to stop herself from belittling me when we meet. I think the right solution is to see her rarely and only at family events when other people are around. She still says toxic things but they are probably not nearly as bad as what she would say if we were alone. It hurts most that I don't see my father more often and then when I do see him she turns up and spoils this time.

However, I think I just have to swallow her behavior. The mature thing to do is probably just to minimize the number of times per year I see her. I feel awful for a day or so after seeing her but then I cheer up. I just have to spend some more time with friends and not brood over it. Tons of people have toxic mothers. I do my social duty on family occasions and no-one requires more, right?

Wow, this thread is very helpful!

My name is Josh, I am 22 and I am pretty much in the same boat as a lot of you. After searching online for reasons why I love but do not like my mom and finding nothing but horrible stories of abusive moms, I was starting to think I may have a problem. But this thread is exactly what I was searching for!

The thing is, my mom was nothing but supportive of me growing up. She would do anything in the world for me and has proven that when I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at 15. She took me to dozens of doctors and got me any treatment I needed to get better, including 3 surgeries. Now I am completely better and I never forget what she went through over the course of 4 years to get me better.

But when I was about 16 or so, I started to become annoyed with things my mom does and it has only gotten worse since. She is overweight and it has caused her legs, mostly her knees, to hurt when she stands for any period of time. She has "tried" to lose weight dozens of times, but it always ends up the same way. About 2-3 weeks in to what ever she is doing, whether its a diet or exercising etc, she starts to cheat and after about 4 weeks she gives up and makes up some excuse as to why its not a good time for her to do it. Its not that I do not like my mom because she is overweight, its because I do not think she really tries to do anything about it.

Over the years she has stopped doing a lot of stuff for herself, she will have one of my siblings get something from another room for her, or have my dad make her lunch for work, and she even has my dad drive her to work now. The more she does this, the more I do not like her and can't stand to be around her. I don't even like being in the same room with her anymore because she is so dependent on other people and I just want to scream "DO IT YOUR SELF!" every time she asks for something. I feel so bad about it but I feel like she is slowly killing herself because she does not do anything for herself anymore and that just compounds the problem she has with her weight.

I can remember when my mom did everything around the house, when I was little I would help her fold the laundry or do the dishes, not because she needed me to, but because I wanted to help her. Yes that may have been partially because I was a kid and kids like doing grown up things, but I liked being around her because she was always happy. Now I cannot even remember the last time she was truly happy which is another reason I do not like being around her. It is depressing, which makes me sound like a horrible son, but it is. The only thing I have found that actually makes me want to talk to my mom is when I smoke weed. It makes me relax and makes my moms irritating habits more tolerable.

When my mom actually feels like doing something like going to lunch or whatever it is, the day is usually cut short because she will complain about her legs or she thinks everyone is starring at her and we go home. This over time has really made me resent her because it has made family outings miserable. I don't even go on them anymore because I know how it will end up and my day is better spent doing something else, again, I know this makes me a horrible son but I can't help it.

I have been telling myself for years now that if my mom would just lose weight I would like her again but I do not know if that is ever going to happen. I feel so bad that I feel this way but I am not sure what to do about it. I love her and always will but I just do not like being around her

I kinda feel like it is a genetic thing as well because my mom does not like her mom either. It is for a different reason, but still, I feel like I may just be prewired to not like my mom.

Sorry if this is a bit long winded, I just really needed to vent.