He loves his mom more than me!!!

I've been on some of PsychCentral's other forums before for reasons regarding sex, and parental abuse, but I'm back now to talk about my relationship with my boyfriend.

Ugh. Where do I start... This is about to get really complicated.

This is my first boyfriend. I'm 20 and he's 30. We have been dating for almost a couple years now and we have been in an exclusive relationship from the start. But the problem is that I always play second fiddle to his mom.

His brother was murdered when he was a baby so as a result his mom developed OCD and became overly protective of him. He always blames everyone else in his life for his problems, but never himself or his mother.

His mom is extremely insecure and hasn't had a boyfriend in 30 years, so as a result she treats her son like he is her boyfriend...no, husband, actually, and she expects him to treat her the same. Back when she would date men she would mooch off of them and expect them to solve all of her problems for her financially and emotionally. She has almost no social security because instead of working she would live off of other men. Now that she is in her sixties she needs her son to provide for her because otherwise she'd be homeless and living out on the street somewhere (which she has done before a few times already). When my boyfriend graduated from college almost a decade ago and had to find a house to live in, he asked her to come move in with him so she'd have a place to stay.

And here I am, in the middle of all this. He's only had one other serious girlfriend other than myself. He hasn't had any relationships which lasted over 2 years. Otherwise he tends to date casually and has problems committing. He isn't unfaithful, but he has hopped around from one date to the next because nothing "worked".

I am flattered by the fact that he says he really likes me and wants to date me for 5 years or more. I've personally broke up with him once or twice but both times he came running back.

I don't think I can do this anymore. Him and his mom are a team and I'm always the third wheel. I can see why he hasn't wanted any girlfriends to get close to him. So why does he try to pursue me when he knows his situation won't allow it? Did I mention he is in thousands of dollars of debt?

I love this person but this is ridiculous. I can't tell whether or not I should "make it work" in the name of love, or just take the selfish (but probably also safer) way out of leaving him and his problems alone.

I should have never had sex with him. Sex makes this all so complicated. Now I know why the bible only mentions sex in the context of marriage - I could never marry someone in this condition, yet sex releases that darn hormone oxytocin and not only forges but strengthens the intimate bond between us. We waited a year to have full-blown sex and now I'm thinking I should have kept waiting! The problem is that in the first month we dated, we were already doing other sexual activities. We should have waited to do all of those too!

Wait before you have sex, everyone! Not just intercourse, but everything else, too! It just confuses everything. And since a part of me is still a little conservative, I can't imagine having sex with anyone else in the future! We have a strong bond but it will never be as strong as the bond between him and his own mom. The only thing he seems to agree to realize here is that, he and his mom can do whatever they want together, except have sex! I guess that's the only thing that we have that his mother can't get from him or give to him. (shakes head)

Glad you could vent!

Part of dating someone is to learn about them. You've learned that his mom may come before you or at the least take away time and resources from you. If your not happy about it, you can discuss it with him and discuss boundaries. However the pattern is most likely set, so there is no need to "make it work" unless you can accept this fact about your boyfriend you would be better off ending the relationship.

I was fearing someone would say something like this but that's probably only because you state the truth! (And the truth hurts).

And no, I can't accept that fact. I suppose I would be better off ending this. I tried to seriously end the relationship once before but it was before I had sex with him. And I took him back because I was so curious about what sex would be like for the first time. He of course had already had sex before and doesn't really seem to have the right to take the virginity of a girl he can't truly make room for in his life. I know that I essentially did give him that right, and at the time I truly wanted to, but he really should know better because he's older and a more experienced (although I am now highly doubting wiser).

Now that we've had sex and have continued to do so on a regular basis, I realize that my life still has a void that is needing to be filled. I had thought sleeping together would take care of that but I know better now.

I can only hope that once I dump him, he will not fall back into his old ways of either
1)asking to have me back, because he thinks I can fill a void in HIS life (and I can't)
2)going back to being a serial dater who never really gets close to anyone.

At least he got to be close with me for almost 2 years, as I am an understanding and forgiving person.

But this relationship is going nowhere fast. He will never learn anything unless he feels a need to change. This will all go into one big circle - He will never feel a need to change if he doesn't feel bad or guilty about his choices. He will never feel this unless he becomes uncomfortable with his choices and stops lying to himself about being right all the time. And he will continue to believe the lie when his mother keeps supporting it. And she'll always support the lie that he can do no wrong, because she wants him to feel dependent on her. She wants him to be dependent on her because if he leaves her she loses her meal ticket. She won't change unless she feels bad about the way she's brainwashed him. And she won't stop trying to brainwash him unless she sees that he makes the effort to stop her. Until then he'll just accept all of this (yet make vague attempts to complain about his life all at the same time). But that will only happen if he decides and wants and feels a need to create change.

If I leave him I will feel very heartbroken; I don't think I can imagine being with anybody else because we have so much in common and I love him so much and I think he really does love me too, despite all of his problems. But should I leave him there will at least be solace in the fact that this fate is ultimately up to God. If God truly intends for me to be with this person, then He will make it so.

omg, run awaaaaaaaaaaay now!

Oh snap!

You can't fix him. If you marry him you will be living with his mom until she dies. End it and find a more suitable BF.

Feeling bad or guilty is not really motiviation to change...growth is probably a more noble reason...but just remember you've dated someone got to know them and possibly made a decision to move on as you don't think you can accept his behavior for the years to come...this is great...just remember there is no need to demonize him...you have reason enough to leave...he doesn't have to be made into this evil thing because he doesn't see things your way...I do understand the need to vent and hopefully this is all it is...but after venting you need to accept the fact that everyone is there own person and as such will behave in certain ways...it is not for you to change that person...only to change how you react to it...

It's not demonizing. If you are 20 you are a hot young thing. You should be going out being with other hot young things not chaining yourself to an untrustworthy older man. Because this is a time for you to grow as well. You can learn a lot from just experiencing and dating other people who don't already have so much baggage as this guy. I'm sorry but that's true. And I'm reading your post and a lot of caretaking and focusing on this guy is coming through but what about you? Please don't be flattered into being in a relationship, the words might be there but the substance is not going to be. You are going to have to work so hard to keep this person happy but when it's all over, the balance of happiness and sacrifices is not going to be equal and I think you know that now.

I know I know

Don't worry, I am just venting... In the beginning of the relationship if I ever mentioned how I felt that "his mom was ruining everything" he would ask me "are you crazy?!" and then of course, tell his mother what I said behind my back. Then the mom would also of course take his side and tell him I was probably not good enough for him because I was probably crazy. It worked on him enough to make him avoid me for weeks and weeks.

Now I've learned that if I want to be in this relationship at all, I have to keep my mouth shut. So no, I don't harp on the guy. I think he's going to be surprised when I leave him, but that's what happens when there's not enough communication I guess. Oddly enough he and I regularly talk about absolutely anything and everything that happens in our lives and can discuss these things in a supportive and diplomatic manner but the one thing he won't discuss is his relationship with his mom because in his opinion it isn't a problem. He did once admit to me though that he thinks she is "extremely neurotic" and that he wishes "she wasn't insane, and could have more friends and maybe some hobbies" and also that if she wasn't crazy he wouldn't need to let her stay in his house; he'd make her live in her own home somewhere. It's funny though because his actions around her don't seem to reflect those statements.

I used to get mad at her as well for ruining his life and getting him into debt. He's been in debt since he was 15 because she used all his credit cards for her own shopping sprees. Of course he didn't realize this at the time.

I wish she could be cured of being crazy. I know that her little kid was murdered 30 years ago but I really do wish her the best and hope that she somehow finds peace in her life. She can't keep ruining her current son's life and then use her mental disorder as an excuse all the time. I actually get along well with her when we aren't around her son competing for his attention because she is a very interesting and smart person to talk to and she seems to be a very sensitive person whose life has unfortunately completely crumbled from beneath her feet. It's really upsetting.

I wish life wasn't so complicated...

I probably might have done that if this guy wasn't my first. My boyfriend knows that his situation is almost incurable; He has not only given me permission but has encouraged me to date around, but I guess I'd feel weird dating a bunch of other guys when I'm already having sex every weekend with this guy. Normally I think I would date around and THEN select ONE to be serious with and sleep with. But since my boyfriend and I became sexual early on, it's hard to just "forget he exists." I also feel weird because he says HE isn't interested in dating around, yet he wants me to do it. It's like he's chosen me as the one but doesn't want me to choose him back. Weird. I guess he doesn't really see himself getting rid of his problems after all, and is actually hoping I find something better than him.

Don't get me wrong, though, I finally went out and tried this dating thing a tiny bit. I tried going on dates with 2 guys my age within the past year. One of them turned out to be a slobby jerk who only wanted to get in my pants on the first date so I left his house and never called him again. The other guy has been calling me lately; I made out with him once and then almost immediately lost interest in him. And some other guys look interesting one day at school but the next day I look at them and don't feel interested anymore.

I don't think I'm flightly, more like, I'd feel bad if I were to become serious with another guy at the same time that I'm sleeping with another. And really, how do you be serious with 2 people, anyway? That's not really possible... unless you are promiscuous in my opinion...

I think I like chaining myself to one guy because I embrace monogamy. I'm not really into the whole college dating scene mentality of "let's just throw ourselves at whoever we want, with no strings attached, because we're young and that makes it okay." I always thought that sounded very trashy.

He doesn't love you then. He just wants a root.

Well... this is it. I left him.



I told him, "leave me alone. Don't call me. Don't drop by my house. I need to figure out my life and I can't do that if I'm stuck with you and all of your problems."

This is really the best thing I could have done for the both of us. Staying with someone out of guilt always seemed honorable but at the same time it is nowhere near good enough reason to be with someone like this. In fact if I were to stay with him longer, his chances of growth would only be impeded. I told him I didn't tolerate his actions in his past and present and that he had to change, but me always sticking around (and sleeping with him) must have sent him another (mixed) message - a message that was saying, "You don't have to ever change because I'll always be there to support you."

But I don't support all the bad things he's done in his life. All the girls he's gone after yet never committed to. All the mistakes he's made that his mom never corrected because he's a mama's boy and she's made him feel like he can do absolutely no wrong in life. No reason for regrets. No reason to change. And if he's using me as a crutch to feel some sort of distraction from guilt, then obviously I need to leave, if I ever expect him to change into the better person he needs to be (which he may never do anyway - another sad possibility I must consider accepting)

It is absolutely necessary that he be alone for a while - and that might include wallowing in the pity of his mistakes, snapping out of anger, and/or breaking down mentally and hitting rock bottom. I can only guess what "rock bottom" could mean in his case. Maybe my break with him won't be the last of his problems. Maybe it will be only a small link in the chain that will become a catalyst in his life. Or maybe there might never be a catalyst at all.

I am going to pray for him every day and night so that he gets out of this situation. If God wants me to see him again, He will let it be so. But in the mean time I cannot allow myself to have any contact with him, perhaps for years, perhaps forever.

*cries*

I'm glad you stuck to your boundaries...I'm sure this is quite a loss...just remember that its ok to vent...remember the hard work will not be to talk about how he needs to grow and change and him being alone for awhile and wallowing in his mistakes and hitting rock bottom...

It's more about you looking at yourself learning about assertiveness, boundaries, what you want from someone and not settling because he is the "first" or second or whatever...it's actually your chances at growth that would have been impeded should you have stayed that you should be concerned about...not his...

Does this make sense why I keep coming back to this?

Yes, it makes sense now... I was settling for someone that didn't make me happy... there was always something careless or rude which he would say about something he did in a past relationship which would make me cringe and think, "I hope he doesn't think it's OK to be that way with me." His whole, "I never plan to make mistakes, they just happen, and I have no regrets... I'm a different peron now anyway" thing was really getting old. What about planning around the actual prevention of mistakes? Why would that be so bad? I know I'm younger than him, but since I have a different and more strict set of standards/morals, I actually do try to prevent myself from making mistakes, and when I make them I usually feel really bad about them and try to learn from them - I don't just say, "Whatever goes, goes." And I think I want someone who can match me in that respect. I need someone who can evaluate their past, present and future, and act with responsibility. I always say, if I can do it, there is no reason why the person I love can't. I guess I just chose to love the wrong person.

I guess I don't really see the issue.

First off, your views on sex... are... wow. Holy ****. You waited a year? You are going to have a hard time finding a guy that is willing to play that game.

Second, everybody should love their mother.

Some questions:
Do you live with them?
If so, have you talked about her moving out?

The reason I ask, is because you should have a conversation about how you know it's healthy to love your mother, but the natural stage of life is that you settle down and live with somebody else. If you do not already live with him, ask him if he would move in with you.

If you truly love him, you'll make it work. Life isn't worth living unless you give love every opportunity you can. If you do not love him, than take the cowards way out. Up to you really.

Edit:
I noticed that you already left him, and said something about maybe God will one day reunite you or some such bs. If there truly is a God, it is not going to be one to make decisions for you!!! You can't just expect God to put things on your lap that you don't allow.

Been there done that ...If you stay, life will pass you by before you know it and while spending all your time loving someone who is only willing to love you in this way you could be missing out on Mr . Right....your still young and not many woman would put up with that so maybe that is why he does what he does ..he will never be truly happy but you have many many chances to be so embrace the single life and one day you will look back and say " what was I thinking?" I wasted 11 years with someone who I love very much but just recently ended it because I need to be completely happy and hope to someday reach that point...take care ...hugs

Jmall,
A couple of things... We try not to have discussions about religion here at PC. Everyone has their different belief systems and higher beings and such, and we try not to cause tension or conflict by having serious discussion about religion (or politics).

Another thing, not all guys base their relationships on sex. My fiance and I waited four years before doing anything, and I was not his first. In fact, he was the one who wanted to wait even more than I did. It takes all kinds to make a world, and i believe that everyone needs to stand up for what they believe and wants. She will find someone who has similar wants, needs, dreams, and desires to her own, as long as she doesn't settle for "good enough for me."

And waiting is not a game. It is a personal decision not to be taken lightly.


acbcdefg66666,
I agree with Direction that you shouldn't just rag on him, but I believe you are making the right decision for you. I think everyone learns from their past in different ways. I believe that if you take time to really figure out what you want and need in a partner, as well as your self esteem all the time being gentle and loving towards yourself, I believe you will find someone. Take care of yourself first, love yourself and know that you are worthy of being loved, and things will fall into place.

Best wishes and take care

Hey Jmall. Thank you for your response.

Although I am conservative, I didn't wait a year for religious reasons. (I consider myself to be a Christian in the sense that I worship Jesus as my savior, however I'll be honest here and say that I have followed the pick-and-choose route that most people take, and I chose to have sex before marriage.)

No, the reason why we didn't have sex for about a year was because I had a physical sex-related problem. It was called vaginismus and it is a rare condition that makes intercourse very painful, so much that penetration is not possible. It took me about a year of going to physical therapy sessions at my local women's health clinic in order for me to get past that barrier. One night I was finally able to overcome the pain and have sex. It made me so happy I cried.

All that said, I appreciate your response, but I feel a little insulted by the language you used. I really tried to make this work, and it is my continued belief that he will only be able to remedy his problems if he is away from me and unable to use me as a crutch.

I told him I'd support him, but I can't support his bad decisions in life. I can forgive him, but I can't support those decisions or encourage them. It would be like having a friend who is struggling with a drug addiction. You can either "support them" and continue to tell them that everything they do is okay and void of consequence, or you can try to correct them. Which person do you think would make a better friend; the one who stands by and says, "that's okay, keep doing drugs, I support you!" Or the one that says firmly, "You need to stop this before you really get hurt"???

I really do feel a burning infatuation for him (Not sure if it's love anymore, unfortunately) and feel sorry for him and his mom, so I had to leave - I couldn't hang around and say, "do whatever you want, I love you, you'll be fine." Because that wouldn't do him any good. And whenever I would try to correct his behavior, he'd get angry with me. So I stopped nagging him. I left.

This person has 30 years of subconscious programming inflicted upon him by his overindulging mother. He doesn't just love her; he has an oedipus complex, so-to-speak. It took me a while to realize this. Even when the three of us go out on dates (Yes, he always includes her on my dates with him) his feet are pointed towards his mother instead of me. I'm no expert in psychology but I'm pretty sure that's an odd occurance, as usually the man's feet tend to subconsiously point towards the female he is most interested in. And that female is his mom. He is not going to get over this unusual relationship with her anytime soon, but should he ever, I would most happily take him back.

He has burned so many people and not felt bad about any of it. He has never been truly serious about any of his girlfriends. He has blamed all of his problems on them. He wasn't even attracted to his last girlfriend, yet he let her take him out on expensive dates for over a year and never returned the favor. He had sex with her because "he did what he had to do." When she asked him to commit to her, he told her no. Yet he continued to let her take him out for fancy dinners, all while he was in debt. He's still in debt and even worse off than before. I guess he thought he was doing her a favor by sleeping with her and never truly committing? Does he feel he has done me a favor in that way? How terrible She, and I, and most people have only been able to tolerate him for so long mostly because he is very physically attractive. With him and I, the physical and emotional chemistry is indeed present, but it will never match his mother's. He has all he needs as long as she's around - which leaves me as less of a girlfriend and more of an accessory for him to sleep with. I was really excited to have sex in the beginning, but now that I see things as they really are, I feel cheap, dirty, and used. See where I am going with this? None of us mean anything to him. We just get caught in his web of guilt and we ended up feeling love for someone who is unable to accept that kind of emotional love from anyone other than his mother.

He also blames all his financial woes on everyone else. He owes people thousands of dollars but believes they don't deserve to have it. He always plays the victim but is never willing to see his own faults. See what I mean? He is selfish. He only lives for himself and his mom. Anyone else... is just a third wheel to keep their exclusive relationship running smoothly. He needs a lot of therapy... and I can't be both his therapist and his girlfriend. As long as I would continue having sex with him, why would he ever take me seriously? (Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?) It took me a while to build up my self-esteem and finally tell myself, "he doesn't really love me... he is only using me for sex." The real emotional relationship is between him and his mom. I'm just the girl he's had sex with every weekend!

That is just how I feel. Remember, I didn't want this to happen - I did it because I felt that I needed to. My heart is still broken from all I've endured of this. Don't get me wrong, because despite my complaints, I can see the good in people too. I can still see the good in him. He has had a very, very hard life and when he was my age he was as conservative as I was. But life is what you make of it... and he's allowed his hard life to be an excuse for him to have exhibited worse and worse behavior throughout the years. Who knows what he'll be like in another ten years. He needs to turn over a new leaf, and save himself from his own destruction.

acbcdefg66666, I didn't get back in time to say you don't have to explain yourself to anyone

Good for you for taking responsibility for your life. It wasn't easy to do, I am sure.

Thank you

I wasn't ragging on anybody for religious beliefs at all... If you thought that, then re-read my post. My point in mentioning God was that she mentioned how God might bring them back together, and that it's unhealthy to believe that God is going to do things FOR you. You still have to try to make things happen for yourself, no matter your beliefs.

I agree, but it was not my intention to "force an explanation" or anything like that. I'm just trying to help. Sorry if you thought otherwise.

Thanks

Yeah it was really hard. I'm still hurting from it. We had the same interests and would go to the same events every weekend. He would always come along with me and my friends, and even my mom (although my mom has always stayed out of the way in our relationship and usually leaves us alone so that we're don't feel intruded on). Now my friends and family are asking me to continue coming with them on weekends, and I don't want to because I don't want to see my ex there.

He said he'll attend whenever he feels like because I "don't own that domain." If that's the case then I just won't go out anymore... I don't want to bump into him. My mom wants me to keep coming to events and since I've told her no, she's telling me I'm ruining this for her and all my friends now. (See my old threads about having problems with my mom if you'd like more insight on my relationship with her)

How can I make this grieving process easier for me??? Summer is here and for some reason I feel freezing cold all the time now, like I'm about to get very sick. I'm having a hard time eating and sleeping... When I went to sleep last night and the night before I could feel my heart beating extremely fast, all throughout my body, with very bad churning in my stomach. I would try getting up and eating some crackers and yogurt but I still couldn't sleep. I've been up for two days straight now without sleep. Whenever I eat a normal sized meal I vomit it up! So I'm just grazing on food. What is happening to me? Is this anxiety? Or something else?

I feel so terrible... I have to keep reminding myself, that I had to do this sooner or later. Better now than years from now. I don't think I'd be able to take it.