How do you know when a relationship is worth saving?

Hello,

I posted about a month ago, first time. It was regarding how to earn my boyfriend's forgiveness after cheating on him.

Fast forward a month. We're on a "break." He's out of town for two more months and wants to take this time for us both to seriously consider our relationship. I think that's a good idea and I've been trying to do some real soul-searching about our relationship, why I cheated, whether it's worth the work it will take to save our relationship, and whether our goals are in line enough to try.

I think it would be possible to save our relationship. It will take a lot of work but I think it could be done. We still love each other.

He is a wonderful man and we are compatible in so many ways. The thought of us breaking up for good is absolutely heartbreaking, it makes me nauseous. However, we both have emotional issues. He has trouble admitting his. We were raised very differently and have some varying outlooks on certain issues, such as counseling. We started going to counseling about a year ago, it's been too sporadic to help much. He believes that us needing to go to counseling two years into our relationship is a bad sign; I see it as evidence that we are strongly committed to each other. Anyway, that's just one example of how we see things differently.

I have to decide, in the next two months, whether or not I want him to come back and put in the grueling work it will take to repair our relationship and maintain it. I'm right on the fence about it. Some days, I feel, of course we have to try to make this work! We love each other and he is a great man for me! Other days, I feel, of course this isn't going to work! Our outlooks are just too different!

I wish it were simple, like if there were abuse or one of us had a drug problem or was in a long-term affair, but it's not. I've weighed the pro's and con's and they are pretty much neck-and-neck. I just don't know where to go from here with making this decision. Doubtless, it will be one of the hardest I've ever made, but I owe it to him and to myself and to my son to do everything in my power to make the right decision. Has anyone been in this position before? How do I go about finding the answer? Will I ever be sure?

Please help me! I'm so lost.

Brianna84,

I'm really sorry to hear this, I know how stressful being at that crossroad is. I can't tell you what you should do, because I think you should do what you feel is best for you. I guess the way I've looked at it when I left my ex's was how I would feel without them and if I could see myself being with someone else. Think about the fundamentals that you want in a husband and if he fits that for you. Cheating is difficult to overcome, that's for sure. Ask yourself why you did it in the first place though. I've cheated on a lot of my ex's and after seeing an Imago Therapist, I figured out why I've done it so I wouldn't again... and I haven't since. So... why did you do it... what was missing for you that you felt you needed to go outside of the relationship? Very best of luck, I hope the answer comes to you easily!

Thank you for your response. I have been trying hard to figure out why I cheated. I believe it was mostly the problems our relationship had to begin with. Also, loneliness (he had been out of town for two months already at that point, with two and a half more to go).

I would, and do, feel totally lost and alone without him. I feel like I've not just lost my boyfriend, but my best friend. I cannot see myself with anyone else. He meets most, but not all, of the qualities I would want in a husband. Still, I do not know if it will work. He wrote me a scathing email tonight. I have to get up in 4 hours yet I can't sleep because of this.

I'm glad you are still working on figuring out what was going on that led to you cheating.
I think it goes deeper than this. This process is like peeling an onion and there are often a lot of layers. Whenever you come up with something, ask yourself why. "We were having problems in the relationship - WHY did I feel that cheating would fix that?" "I was feeling lonely, WHY did I cheat rather than talk to him about it?"
You said that you would feel lonely and lost without him, but is that a fair reason to stay in a relationship? Are you comfortable being alone or single?

If you choose to stay together, it will be hard, but if you truly love him, losing the relationship will also be hard. There isn't an easy way so don't make the choice of finding the easy one. Choose the one that's right for you.

I do think that you can work this out but you have to decide whether the husband-qualities he's missing are a requirement for you. Are the things he has on your list enough to make you happy? How much value do you put in the ones that he is missing? Understand that relationships (long term) and marriage isn't always easy for anyone. The media often gives us the fairy tail version of it "meet, fall in love, small problem, marriage, happily ever after". I'm not saying there isn't a happily ever after in real life, but it takes work, don't shy away from it because you'll find it with everyone you are with.

A lot of people see counselling as failure. I believe it's a huge societal problem. But it can be hugely beneficial. Would he be willing to work through relationship books instead of counselling? (I can give you some good ones if you think he'd agree)

I'm sure the email he sent was difficult for you to read, but I think it's a good sign that he is turning to you with his feelings. One of the hardest things for his situation is that the person he is used to turning to when things are tough, is the person who caused him all the pain.

I only have a few moments before I have to leave for work so this is going to be short. I might come back later and respond more.

The last thing in tsol's response is so true... Just wanted to say that...

Also, I'm not sure you can make this decision entirely on your own. If you both decide to stay together, then it's going to be a lot of work from both of you. I hope he is doing as much soul searching and thinking about your situation as you are. The two of you cannot say you will stay together and then only one person do the work, because that is simply setting you both up for failure.

Tsol and Starvin' gave you some great advice. I'm off to work now, but I still thinking about this. Going to mull it over some more.

Take care, good luck!

He says he is going a lot of thinking, that he's going through a transformation. He needs counseling, there is no doubt about that in my mind because he has depression (long-term) and suicidal thoughts at times. However, it seems more and more to me that he refuses to accept that he needs help as much or more than I do. In this email he sent last night, the hardest thing to read was that he is taking my suggestions that he needs help in the wrong way. He thinks I am blaming him for what I did. I can't be with him if he won't get help and I don't know if he will. He doesn't think I have the right to make such demands since I'm the one who cheated. He thinks I'm the one with all the problems.

Oh, one more thing that is complicating things is that I was blacked out when I cheated. I never get that drunk, I don't know how it happened. But, I remember very little of what was going through my head when I did it. What my feelings were or how I justified it. So it's hard to know exactly why. Still, I'm working on it using what I do know about how I was feeling in general before that night. I do remember thinking that as long as I didn't have sex with the guy, I wouldn't feel guilty enough to have to tell my boyfriend. I sure was wrong about that.

I'm going to see my counselor on Monday. I'm so ashamed to tell him why I'm there... but I suppose I have to.

RS mentioned a point that I forgot, yes it does take two of you to work through this, and that does include addressing his issues. Before my bf cheated I would be the last person to accept I needed counselling. I have so much of a belief that I have to appear to be perfect, I would never have gone to counselling. But three days after I found out about the one night stand, I was a mess and didn't know what else I could do.

If you were to suggest counselling to him, try not to make it so that you are accusing him of being crazy. Maybe "I'm so sorry for how much I've hurt you. I really want to help you feel better and I'll do whatever I can. But I know that it might be hard to talk to me about some things because I've caused this". Or if it's couple's counselling phrase it as you asking him to help you find out how to be a better gf. I'm sure he does need help and sometimes it's hard to talk to friends about this because they don't understand how cheating can not be a dealbreaker. I told one friend and while she was supportive she was just at a loss for words.

Oh I just noticed the suicidal thoughts point! After the disclosure that my bf cheated was the first time I ever considered suicide. I just hurt in a way I didn't know existed and wanted it to go away. If he has a tendency towards those feelings, I can't help but think that this might be a dangerous time for him. I don't want to scare you, but just keep an eye on things

I am worried about the suicide thing, more when it first happened than now. He's 4,000 miles away and we don't talk on the phone every day anymore, so it's hard for me to keep tabs. He does have friends there, a best friend actually, and I've asked her to keep an eye on him, and she says she does. I also mentioned to him that I was worried, and he assured me he's okay. He's drinking and taking pills to deal with his pain. I guess that's better than hurting himself.

Drinking/taking pills can hurt him though, it's good that he has friends he can talk to/watch out for him. Do you think they'd have any chance at asking him to talk to someone about the depression?

No. I'll think about mentioning it to her but there are no counselors in the small town where they live and he's broke anyway.

Maybe somewhere like PC could help him face his emotions as well? Living with depression sucks, I just hate to see someone go without getting help to overcome it (family trigger for me)

What is PC?

PsychCentral -here

Ohhhh! Makes sense.

Hey Brianna,

I think tsol25 gave you some good advice about talking to your boyfriend about counseling. One thing I've learned from my degree is if you want someone to do something, you have to pose it to them in a way that they see the benefit to themselves.

I'm sorry you received a difficult email; he's very hurt and sometimes people lash out. Once again though, figure out the root of the behavior and the "why" and it will give you a little more perspective. Do you feel like you can't talk to each other or you don't trust each other (I mean before this happened)?

No one is perfect, but finding someone that you don't mind the imperfections with and can communicate... that's the key! Keep us updated!

I felt fairly comfortable talking to him and I definitely trusted him, before this happened. I think he did feel the same way but, obviously, doesn't trust me too much now.

We did have some communication issues, for sure. One of them being my (and maybe his?) hesitation to bring up problems we were having with the other until they had reached the breaking point. Yeah, it's a fairly common problem. That was something we were working on in counseling.

I got a little defensive when I responded to that email. That was probably a mistake and I realized it after I sent it so last night I remembered to remind him that I am ashamed of what I did and it kills me that I caused him so much pain and that I am sorry even though "sorry" doesn't really seem adequate to describe how I feel.

He responded that he goes back and forth between believing that. Is that normal?

I think that point of communication is common with relationships. Many people are just afraid of hurting the person they love. From our few counselling sessions we were taught to try to phrase things as
"when you ____, I feel _____, I need ____" that way you aren't saying "you always do ____ and I hate it" (raises hand...I'm kind of guilty of that sometimes)

I'm going to say his response seems pretty normal. Think of it as a can of pop, when you told him about cheating, you shock the can really hard. And while, you aren't telling him anything new, its still extra fizzy and will explode if you open it. That was kind of like the way my brain felt for....a few months. And I was afraid of being shaken again, here I'd sat content in my fridge for 5 years, then out of the blue came this wind that knocked me off my feet.

A lot of people see faithfulness as a core aspect of a relationship, so when that is taken away, they are left questioning everything they thought they knew. It's hard with you being so far apart, but your actions will do a lot more for him than your words.

I know. I'm trying to follow through with his requests, like going to counseling. Funny, he believes in counseling for me but not for himself...

I really really want him to believe me when I say I'm sorry. I can't think of any other way to say it. The word seems so meager compared to the emotion behind it. Woefully inadequate. What else can I say though? "I'm really, really, really, really sorry"? That sounds like something my five-year-old would say. "I truly apologize". Now I sound like a brokerage firm that screwed up one of their top clients' accounts. I just want him to know how torn up I am inside... I can't show him, I can't tell him.

He may think that he doesn't need counselling because he "didn't do anything wrong, you cheated, you get help" That's where you might be able to get more leeway in couples counselling, "will you come with me, so I can learn how to earn your trust?"

"I'm sorry for...." be specific.
I can't tell you how to follow that because it needs to be from your heart. Blank apologies get tiresome and mundane. Apologies are necessary but if you know what exactly upset him, like maybe he heard a song that reminded him of how things used to be between you, apologize for tarnishing the memory. Unfortunately, this WILL test your patience to the very limit. One day he'll believe and accept your apology, but not today and not tomorrow. It's a long process. Even now if my bf apologizes for it I usually say "thank you" and that's all

Time and commitment (from both of you) will make this better

Thank you for all your help. I requested a book from the library last night called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It got some good reviews (all of the reviewers I saw had decided to leave ) so I'm going to read it and see if it doesn't clear up some of my confusion. We're in this strange limbo right now, not sure if we're going to get back together yet I'm still trying to do what I can to save the relationship (communication when he wants it, apologies, telling him I miss him). Yesterday was a good day - we texted a lot, mostly just chatter about my son, but also some more important stuff, like trying to apologize and assure him I'm not tired of apologizing. He did thank me for apologizing - it's not forgiveness, but at least it's a positive response, right? He told me he loved me last night (via text, of course). Although he has said it a lot and assured me he still loves me against his better judgment, it had been a few days, since the rough patches we hit this week, and it was nice to "hear". Anyway, I'm going to keep posting and updating about how things are going - in case anyone's interested.

I would like to know your recommendations for relationship books.

A lot of the books are cheating related but I'll give you my list anyways

*Not Just Friends >Shirely Glass
*How to Help your Spouse Heal After your Affair > Linda MacDonald (very short and to the point an excellent book)
Relationship Rescue > Phil McGraw
Torn Asunder > Dave Carder
Getting the Love You Want > Harville Hendrix
When Your Lover Is a Liar > Susan Forward
*The 5 Love Languages > Gary Chapman (this was simply an amazing book and with a very simple concept. I found both my and my bf's love language to be very accurate [there's an online test too] and as we try to keep them in mind we are creating a much better relationship)
Receiving Love > Harville Hendrix
Forgiveness: How to make Peace with your Past > Suzanne Simon
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail - and How to Make Yours Last > Gottman
The Seven Principles that Make Marriages Work > Gottman

I'll admit, I haven't read all of these yet, but they come highly recommended if I haven't got to them yet. But that might get you started...I think I read half of the relationship section at the book store in the past year. A lot of the books I didn't agree with so they aren't posted here. A lot of the books were sort of "take what you like, leave the rest". A lot of the books might have gotten lost in the blurr of insanity I felt

Phew! I know relationships especially troubled ones, require a lot of work, but how do you find time for all that reading? I read a half hour or hour a day; how much do you do?

Like I said, I haven't read all of them yet.
In the first few months after finding out about bf's cheating, I had trouble going about daily tasks. It was ALWAYS on my mind. Reading helped. I found myself at the bookstore many many times a week. I'd just pick up a book and read. I'm an avid reader to begin with. Some of these books are going to have points that don't apply, so I skipped that chapter or section. If there's a section I really like, I read it twice. If the book started to bug me, I'd put it back. Point is, when it comes to self help, it doesn't have to be a cover to cover read. If there's a certain point that you need to understand right now, go to the table of contents and read that part. Sometimes it'll just pick up and flow and you'll read through a few chapters in order.

Oh and I speed read a little too. I learned on these book store adventures. This wasn't a fantasy/adventure novel where I was immersing myself in a novel. I was there because I NEEDED answers and I didn't want to wait. Speed reading means you can skip words and lines and helps you power through books. Brianna, it's not about quantity, it's about what you get out of it. For me, reading these books were a life line -something to hold onto. But that's why I *-ed my favorites. Because if you DON'T have time/energy to read everything on that list, I think you'll get enough out of those ones.

Oh, yeah, I don't have to read every word... I have a complex about books. I can't not read a book cover to cover. I have a list of all the books I ever started and didn't finish in my head. I intend to go back and finish them someday. I guess now would be a good a time as any to get over that...