[kitten16]

This one is hard for me to talk about, though I've had this issue for a long time. I've always been romantically drawn to unavailable men - for a combination of reasons, including having grown up with an emotionally absent father and a mother who was obsessed with grooming me for social success by way of men. She encouraged the idea that only established, high-status guys (whatever that means) were worth my time. Relationships were all about ambition for her. I rejected that mostly, but something about the older-established-guy thing really sunk in.

Of course this never actually worked in real life, because men who are established also tend to be married.

Anyway, at 38 I fell in love with and married a guy who was right for me in every possible way. He was also younger than me, so he didn't trigger the hopeless hero-worship thing that I had been enmeshed in for years. Instead of longing for an unavailable guy or celebrity, I was in love in a real way. It was a brighter, freer place than I'd been in, in a long time. I think I also assumed that I was now safe - as a secure married person I would no longer be tossed by the waves of random encounters that were intensely involving for me emotionally, but never went anywhere. I felt good!

A few months ago I met a guy - a musician (let's call him Moss) whose whose performances I've seen and whose work and art I admire - and really flipped for him. I met him through work (our organization sponsors a festival he does here) and our relationship was professional at first. We laughed a lot and he seemed flirtatious. We chatted after his shows, and had one lunch together.

A few days before he left town, we talked about our attraction for each other. He said he was married and had two teenage daughters. He said things had been great before the kids, but the passion had fizzled out over time. He said he liked me and had thought about the possibility of having an affair. He was reluctant because of the risks. He asked about me, and seemed surprised when I told him I was married too. We sat there discussing it, and I realized that he was really worried about losing his daughters. I was upset that he seemed to feel I might be a threat to his family, when we hadn't even touched or started anything yet!

It was a wake-up call I needed. It hurt that he was kicking me to the curb, but I knew he was right and we needed to leave it alone. We got out of the car and he gave me a big tight hug and a kiss, and a few days later he left town, and I figured that was goodbye.

But he started emailing me. A lot. A lot. Over months. So it seemed he wanted to keep the door open. And I found myself becoming just - totally - OBSESSED with this guy. I'm panicked and angry and disoriented about all of this. I've had thoughts of - if only he had dropped it before, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in right now! But I know that I also bear responsibility for not shutting it down when I should have.

What's killing me right now - he's coming back to town in a few days, but he hasn't sent me any messages for three weeks. I'm starting to think that he's had second thoughts, and doesn't want to see me again.

Since he went quiet, my emotional life has just completely cratered. My insides have just TOTALLY COLLAPSED. I've been crying constantly (which I never do) and unable to think of anything but this situation. I feel it's the worst possible thing he could have done to me, to just cut me off without a word.

If he came to me and said, look, it's not going to work, I would accept that. I just don't see why it has to be either/or. He's a delightful person, and I would like to be in touch. We don't HAVE to have an affair. In fact, I'd rather not! But I have these ridiculously intense feelings for him. He's opened up something inside me that I thought died a long time ago. I can't explain it.

I can't believe he's just cutting me off. You don't do that to people! I suppose it's still possible that he's planning to get in touch when he comes here. So if he does - I need to get my script together. I'm just very very worried.

I know I also need to look at my marriage and find out if there's anything left. I've become completely apathetic about it, and about the one man I've ever known who honestly and deeply loves me. How can I throw it away? Yet I'm contemplating it.

I've been in a total blind panic around this - intense humiliation, anger, sadness at his rejection, just everything in the book. I don't know how to make the emotions just STOP. It's so absolutely frickin' horrible to walk around this way, I can' stand it.

I want to see a therapist. I had an appointment with a new one the other day, but he had some really weird quirks and I didn't feel comfortable. I know I need to talk to someone qualified, and I'm still looking. But I'm just completely panicked right now. I'm turning to you guys for a slap upside the head, because I know that I need that now! And a hug!

Thanks for your input on this, I could really use it right now.

[TealOrca12]

"I think he's cutting me off. You don't do that to people!"

Yes, you do. Especially when you have other people to think about (i.e. a spouse, and kids) and a further relationship with the other party could harm your relationships and yourself. I know you're hurting- no one wants to feel "thrown out," or unimportant, especially by people we have intense feelings for. While I've never been in a situation exactly as yours, my experiences with the intense feelings that develop quickly over time (and obsession) with men who are either emotionally or literally unavailable is that they are dangerous and have lead me nowhere but down. I'm not saying you aren't valid in feeling upset-- it sounds like you're having a really tough time, and reaching out for support is the best thing you can do. I'm glad to hear you found time for a therapist- but sorry to hear he is weird. Could you try seeing a female therapist? No offense to dudes, but I have always felt more comfortable opening up to/being vulnerable with another woman when it comes to that professional relationship. I hope you find a better fit, in any case!!

Has your husband noticed the recent emotional turmoil you've been going through? What does he think about it? Also, do you have any close friends "in real life" who you trust enough to go to about this? I know message boards can help, but sometimes talking about things with someone you love and trust is a lot more beneficial, especially because a friend knows you better than we do!

I'm not saying your marriage is or isn't right, or that you need to put it first. Maybe deep down, you aren't happy with it. Or maybe there is something else missing in your life that left a space open for this emotional situation to fall into. In any case, regardless of his reason or choice to stop contacting you, it may be because he realizes the danger of continuing (especially knowing he's coming to town soon) and does not want to risk anything more happening. He probably doesn't want to hurt any parties involved, including you. It feels like rejection, but in a way, he's doing everyone a favor, because it could get much worse and much more messy down the road, right?

I know this sucks. Just remind yourself, it WILL get better. Even if you do nothing (i.e. therapy, or nothing changes) pain in life is like a wave. It comes and goes. Things can feel terrible one minute, but time really does make a difference. Hang in there.

[Callmebj]

Hi Kitten, Infatuation is so strong at times; it is hard to walk away. I've done it, walked away, when my heart said "no,no. He was on my mind very much of the time. I had a good solid, long time husband. Sometimes I think the doldrums of marriage catch up with us and the attraction and obsessiveness is also a reminder of how we felt about our first love...our husband. Remember this; no matter who you are with the doldrums will always visit again. Please don't take this chance...it's hard to not want the excitement of infatuation, the unknown....but plenty of people can get hurt with this and in your heart of hearts, you know this. Hug, bj

[Gr3tta]

Sounds to me like this other man is enjoying the flirtation, and the little thrill from feeling wanted by you. But he doesn't really want it to go beyond that. That's probably why the contact stopped prior to him coming back into town. I'm betting when he's out of town again, he'll start right back up with the emails, etc. And when he does, you should cut it off completely. You're spending days crying and feeling miserable - this is bad for you, and you shouldn't participate in something that makes you feel bad.
And I agree with TealOrca12 that it might be wise to address your own marriage. Maybe he's just not the man for you. Or maybe you're seeking something you need from others, rather than give your husband a real chance to provide it. I don't know, but I think it's worth it to find out, for the well being of all involved, as well as for you.

[witsend25]

Sometimes people LOVE the chase much more than an actual relationship. The romance of the forbidden fruit is extremely seductive. Sounds like this guy is maintaining the emotional honeymoon phase for you, with little regard to your feelings of attachment. Not good. Be good to yourself and cut him off. Focus on your own marriage, as the other posters have suggested, work with your hubby to reawaken the “spark”. Therapy may be a good place to relaunch your romance campaign

[kitten16]

Thanks so much for your responses, I appreciate it

I do understand the advice to try to reawaken the spark, but my marriage was never sparky. My hubby felt safe to me from the getgo, and I felt I was making a significant break from unhealthy habits in "letting" him love me. It was new and heady to feel loved, safe for a change.

To that point, the men I had felt strongly attracted to sexually had also been jerks. I don't think that there's some grand unified theory of attraction that states that only jerks will ever affect me sexually, or that I'm solely attracted to toxic guys. It was just a coincidence, I think, that the men I'd felt strongly about and were very impelled toward, were just wrong for me.

So, in a desperate attempt to quickly change course and improve things for myself, I must have decided (though I think it was all unconscious) that it would be bad for me to pursue a relationship with someone I was very physically attracted to.

And when I realized I was doing this, I felt good. A brand new feeling, not to be kept constantly insecure, to be set up by a guy and have the rug pulled out. The warmth of a genuinely loving relationship was amazing to me.

I think at that point I thought that marriage would cure me of random infatuations. This hasn't been the case. In fact now more than ever before, I'm just utterly susceptible to men who "do" it for me in a physical way.

It's not that DH and I are incompatible in bed - we are. It's just not - oh hell, you know what I mean. And I feel horrible and guilty about this.

Also, where the hell was my conscience when we were thinking about getting married? Why did I ONLY consider myself and where I wanted to be - safe, warm, comfortable - when there was another person with me, making a huge life choice himself? This is what I don't get, why it didn't even occur to me that I might not be able to give my DH what he needs in his marriage. It just makes me sick that I was walking around so blindered then.

But I had been through some hellish experiences with men, and I think I was just damaged enough that I honestly didn't know what I was doing.

I regret everything. There are no sparks to reawaken, because it was never like that. I married for deep and true affection, genuine love, warmth, stability - all the stuff I never had.

I just never banked on the possibility that I would ever crave excitement again, and now I feel stuck, miserable, guilty, like the worst spouse in the world. I'm really sick and ready to give up. I want to change everything, just go away - new job, new life, get away from the cat and the tiny apartment, get away from the rain.

I don't want to leave my husband. We're close. He's like my son. (He's much younger than me, actually). I love him. I worry about him. He's everything to me. But something's not getting fulfilled.

Really sick of myself these days. I do appreciate your input, it always helps!

[Open Eyes]

What comes to mind is, A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.

Even the original lust of attraction fades in a marriage, the most important thing is the overall relationship and respect, that is what is lasting more than anything.

Sure this other man was attracted to you liked the attention as well. Maybe his wife is not filling that old fire of the initial attention. However, you also have to consider buyers remose. The same can happen with a desire for anything new and flashy that has a certain kind of presentation to it.

I think about having a horse that I know is safe, dependable and I CAN enjoy and trust. Ofcourse I will always have an attraction to the fancy horse that is showy and enticing. However, what my experience has taught me, the showy horse had flaws I had not seen, wasn't so safe and trusty, even presented some behavior problems that took the rider more time to handle, less time to enjoy the ride. After all was said and done, I was glad to see the pretty horse, but also glad I didn't own it.

Open Eyes

[needfixing]

do you love your husband?
love is unconditional lust comes and goes.

[kitten16]

I wanted to do an update on this because I'm feeling really sick and sorry for myself, and I know I'm worrying about ALL the wrong things here, but I can't stop. So - I need a reality check and your help.

The guy I've had the crush on (I'm calling him Moss) was in town all week and never called, texted or emailed me. A few days before the festival he was playing at, I emailed and asked him to let me know when it would be convenient to meet up. He said he would like that, and that it would be great to see me. But didn't mention a day or time.

At this point I didn't know what I wanted from him, other than a chance to meet and say that I didn't have any hard feelings, that his art inspires me, and that I would like to stay in touch. I didn't want to rev things up or pursue an affair. I just wanted some closure, because the uncertainty - his silence and the weird feelings it was generating - it was all just killing me.

Nothing after that from him though. Silence. So on the first night of the concert he was in, I went and listened and got really emotional. I had too much to drink at intermission, and I just started crying in the audience. I guess people thought I was moved by the music (it was was a chamber piece). Anyway, so I knew my face was messed up and I made for the restroom at intermission.

So I'm waylaid by one of the other chamber musicians, I'll call him Jack, who'd gotten done with his part in the concert and was hanging out in the lobby greeting people. We had met briefly, and when he saw me this time he grabbed me and insisted on a chat. I was embarrassed and freaked out, still crying, and I was just losing it - but Jack looked concerned, and it felt good to be noticed and asked about my feelings, even by a relative stranger, because I haven't been able to tell anyone IRL what I've been going through with Moss.

So Jack seemed puzzled but not at all put off by my emotional state. He invited me to the party for the musicians after the concert, and I said I couldn't go. I didn't have to explain why, so I have no idea why I started babbling. Oh my frickin' gawd. I said I couldn't go to the party because it was awkward - with someone. One of the other musicians.

Jack wanted to know if it was a guy or a girl. I said it was a guy. He continued to press me about who it was. I didn't reveal Moss's name. I would never do that. And I was already feeling sick about having mentioned the situation at all. I just wanted to get away from Jack.

But again he started pressing me about who this person was - he works with them after all. He laughed and said he couldn't help but be curious.

Did he make a pass? Jack asked. I said we had been interested in each other, but we never went out, just talked about what a terrible idea it would be to do that. Which is true. And that he had cut me off after that, and it was just difficult for me and that was why I was crying.

But then he said, "Was it Moss?" I was in a panic and said, "I don't want to talk about it." The conversation ended not long after.

I feel sick and strange. I never wanted to be waylaid by that guy and drawn into a discussion of my personal life. And yet there I was, babbling about something awkward with one of the musicians. How did the dude figure out who it was?

I was in the bathroom just now, crying because I have this sick feeling that Jack told Moss that I spilled the beans. I didn't, but I said way too much. If Moss finds out I was chatting about anything around this with Jack, it would make me look very very bad to him, or so I imagine. Like I'm out of control, like I can't be trusted. Like I'm behaving like a woman scorned, eager to blow up his life out of revenge. God it's so not true! But I didn't say Moss's name.

And it occurred to me that maybe that's what Moss was afraid of all along. He knew he'd have to cut me off eventually (turns out it was before we had a relationship, which may be a mercy, rather after), so he tried to prevent the whole woman-on-a-tear thing. And yet there I was, losing it and skating close to revealing it all. But:

I never said Moss's name, and I don't want revenge. I'm just feeling very sick and sad now because I feel like Moss and Jack and the whole frickin' chamber music society are ostracizing me now. It's so weird.

I just really need Moss to know that I didn't reveal anything about him. I know it's dangerous for him - he's married. I wish I could tell him that I'm innocent. I'm obsessed with this right now.

I know I need to get away from this whole thing. In fact, I'd love to skip town altogether. Right now I HATE Moss, I REALLY HATE that little f*cker Jack, and I'm SICK TO DEATH of chamber music!

I want to just put a bullet through my head. Is there any way to stop obsessing about this?

I feel like I was hit by a bus, twice. First by Moss, who started flirting with me, dropped me, then revived our email connection, then dropped me. And then I was run over by Jack, who squeezed me for gossip and might have jeopardized Moss. I care about Moss. I don't want to be the one who screwed up here and compromised him. I'm sick to my stomach at the thought he thinks this - because I never ever wanted to hurt him.

I'm just rambling again. Anyway, I know I'm acting like a huge self-obsessed tard. It's possible the two of them have never even talked about me!

I just wanna die right now though. (Gawd, sorry this was so long)

You are looking for excitement in the wrong places. You do not want to be with the musician. Keep telling yourself that. I wish I could go back to that stage that you were in. I would have ran in the opposite direction. This guy is sniffing around for a fling, and sounds like a scumbag in disguise. They appear to be everything you want, but it is an ILLUSION. Maybe you need a healthy distraction. Find something else (harmless) to temporarily obsess about until you can find a therapist to figure out why you are reverting back to old behaviors. Learn an instrument. Maybe you are attracted to him because you want to be like him. I've heard of that before. Take a dance class since you love music. Read books about avoiding Mr. Wrong...........in fact I think that is even a title. Maybe even a vacation alone would make you miss your husband, and you may realize how much you TRULY love him. It really could be worse, you haven't done anything that can't be undone at this point, so try to breathe and relax. Also, check your hormones.....mine act up, and boy do I feel like I'm going absolutely insane with thoughts swirling in my head. It'll be ok eventually.

[kitten16]

Originally Posted by Aquarius8

Maybe you are attracted to him because you want to be like him.

Thanks Aquarius, that is SO perceptive. A lot of my obsession with this world stems from my having tried and failed to be a concert pianist, but that was ages ago. I thought I'd moved on, but I'm obviously still in major pain about it. I wonder if I'll ever get any kind of closure with it now.

For years I avoided music, musicians, sold my piano, didn't even listen to music, stopped attending concerts - and I think it helped. It might be just too triggering for me. Maybe it's time to just completely change reference. It's hard to do now, because my job is arts-related and we work with these people all the time. I could change jobs, but it would be difficult to find the same kind of thing in the city where I am. I'd have to leave town (which actually sounds like a great idea right now)

I have an appointment with a new therapist on Thursday. I have had such CRAP luck with shrinks, but I'm really hoping this guy will turn out to be someone I can work with. I really need help.

Thanks for your sympathetic response

[Irreplaceable]

You will not like what I'm about to write, but you posted it, so here you go:

1) I believe that you said that you are still married?...If you are, divorce him...For obvious reasons...I feel bad for your husband if he is completely blind to everything that is going on with you....

2) Leave married men alone! If you're going through things in life, then you're going through things, but do not DO NOT ruin other families in the process...

I'm sorry...You're a cheater...And you are willingly and knowingly carrying on relationships with married men...This type of thing just...Goodness...I can't sit here and act like that's cool because it's not...

Leave your husband. Respect yourself. And leave married men alone...And the married dude Moss, I'm glad that he at least had second thoughts...Because he knows what he was doing is and was wrong...

***whew*** I tried writing as respectfully as I could...It was hard skipping over certain keys to not say what i really really wanted to say...

Edit: And I don't care if my post gets deleted or not...I said what I had to say, and I kept it 100 and respectful...

[kitten16]

Hi Irreplaceable, thanks. Yes, there are two kinds of issues that get presented here - problems that are instigated by things others do, and problems that are created as a result of one's own issues or limited ability to deal in a healthy way with a given situation. I'm aware that the latter kind of problem is not always one that will garner sympathy, but I'm taking that risk of presenting it anyway. At the moment I'm out of other options (and I value the contributions from the smart people on this forum).

My guilt over my DH is just destroying me right now. My issue with the married musician is a kind of veil, a distraction, an obsession that keeps me focused on the wrong thing. It's preventing me from delving into my most important relationship and looking at the scary things down in there.

My DH and I were crazy for each other when we got married. I'm still deeply bound up in our relationship, but something has changed. He would take a bullet for me. He would be devastated if he knew that right now I'm unable to be emotionally faithful. I literally can't control my thoughts or emotions at this point, and it's quite scary. I don't want to leave my DH and I feel utterly hopeless.

I realize that my marriage is my core problem, and it's what I'll be working on in my next course of therapy (if the new guy I'm seeing this week works out).

Yes, no need to stone me for adultery. So far I haven't wrecked anyone's life or broken up a home. At this point I haven't cheated on my DH. My turmoil is sort of abstract, but it's real, and I'm definitely on the verge of getting into deeper crap than I've ever been in if I don't change course. I've reached a point where I literally don't know where to turn. This is why I've been sufficiently desperate to resort to opening myself up on a public forum, come what may.

You're right to point out the possible hurt to others if my trajectory continues. So thanks for this.

I'd just like to remind everyone that it does take two.........and I'm getting pretty tired of the man getting off easy in these types of situations. He was not forced to flirt with you. He is a grown man, this musician guy........supposedly. He'd better act like it. And I'd be willing to bet money that he has in fact cheated on his wife, probably more than once. He probably did not contact you these past few weeks because his wife is "on to him" or maybe even decided to come along on his trip. It seems like he sought you out because maybe he was able to pick up on your vulnerability. I'm not saying you are completely innocent, but you are experiencing an unhealthy relapse of some sort. Thank goodness, it did not go any further for everyone's sake. And if it did, it wouldn't be you alone 'ruining' his marriage and family. It's HIS responsibility to protect his marriage and his family. The MAN has a choice, he is not helpless against his desires for what is most likely a sexual fling. This is what I've found mostly motivates immature men. The men who cheat on their wives. You are not a habitual cheater or adulterer, or you wouldn't feel half as bad about what's going on. You may have come close to cheating, but you have overcome this challenge so far. He will try again to contact you. I would do everything in your power to resist speaking to him. Change your email if at all possible!! so he cannot contact you that way. If you must see him for work, please be strong, and do not fall for any sweet talk, or games he will try to play with you. This is not the man for you. You have already found the one you should be with. This is your own issue that has resurfaced as perhaps a type of test to see if you have conquered your attraction to UNHEALTHY men. It is a TEST, only a test!! You have not failed. If you stay strong, and stay away from this sort of temptation, you will have passed, and your mind and emotions will be at peace again. You will have hopefully grown. See it for what it is, and please see this guy Moss for what he is. A player. Scum growing on a stone. Keep rolling and the moss will get scraped off. The FACT is, he is married and seeking another woman, something is obviously weak in his marriage. Do not fall into the trap because you will become the scapegoat for the problems him and his wife are having. You are trying to get better, you do not need to tangle yourself in anothers' spider web. Be strong!!!!!! You have narrowly escaped a disaster, thank your lucky stars!
Oh, and eventually when this passes, maybe you can try the piano or even another instrument again. You may think you have failed at that (you haven't, it's only an illusion). If you love playing, you should not deny yourself that joy because of your fears. Something to look into that I found so interesting about music (which I know very little about) the solfeggio frequencies and cymatics. They are supposed to be very healing. Look it up, maybe you can learn to play that scale. That would be really cool, because I don't believe a lot of people know how to play in that musical scale, and I think genuine recordings are becoming more in demand........something new and healthy to 'obsess about'............Good luck and peace to you.

[Harley47]

Well...I came in here with a nice, drawn out post, but I think Aquarius nailed everything I was going to say. Well done.

It does indeed take two, and you are not solely at fault here. You are, as you're very aware, flirting with danger here (please pardon the pun...I could not think of how else to word that. I don't make humor out of things like this ), but you're at lease AWARE this is not good. That's a key difference in my opinion between someone in turmoil and a homewrecker. If you were the latter, you wouldn't care like you do.

It's great that you are seeking a therapist. That's a big step. I hope she'll (lol by the way, don't feel bad about intentionally seeking a same sex therapist. I would too ) be able to help you.

I would do whatever it took to avoid that musician, and I do mean whatever. Change your email, lock your current one if you must (change the password to something incoherent via MS Word and never look back)...but get away. Sever all contact. My guess is that "Jack" assumed that Moss was your problem is because that Moss has DONE THIS BEFORE, and likely bragged. Moss is scum, pure and simple.

I really, really hope things go well for you. I will be praying for you.

[kitten16]

Thanks Aquarius8 and Harley47, I really appreciate your thoughts here. I've been so grateful to have any other input - really been needing some objective viewpoints on this.

If I had evidence Moss was a serial cheater and was stringing me along while laughing at me with other guys, that would make me see red. I could TOTALLY get over the guy, like, overnight, if I believed that!

I think it's possible he isn't a total scumbag. He hesistated when we discussed our mutual attraction. He said he liked me and had thought of possible ways to continue - but he didn't feel right about it, and the fact that he had a conscience impressed me.

He's definitely ambivalent - he started contacting me again a few weeks after we decided to just not go there. So he's indecisive, unhappy in his marriage, wracked by guilt and troubling emotions and inappropriate attractions. Maybe he's made some bad choices before, I don't know about the rest of his life. And he skated close to disaster with me. Does it make him a demon? I'm not sure...

Anyway, it's bad news for me, no matter which scenario is accurate. And thanks for the reality check. Your words have helped me a lot today!

[Harley47]

I'm glad to be of help Kitten. Voltaire once said "Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do." lol I'm just trying to minimize my guilt.

There is something I would like you to consider though. Have you ever thought he might've purposely fostered that image of himself? If he were to display himself as sure of his choice to have an extra marital affair, that'd paint him in an obviously bad light. So I would think that it'd be in his best interest for his goals to paint himself as hesitant, -say- he didn't want to do this and hurt his marriage...but I'll be honest with you, I think he's baiting your emotions and sympathies. That's my guess, at any rate, and was my perspective when I called him scum.

Whether or not I'm right (I would honestly prefer I wasn't), you are certainly right in your assessment of calling him bad news. I hope things get better for you, and I'll be certain to keep you in my prayers.

Originally Posted by Callmebj

Hi Kitten, Infatuation is so strong at times; it is hard to walk away. I've done it, walked away, when my heart said "no,no. He was on my mind very much of the time. I had a good solid, long time husband. Sometimes I think the doldrums of marriage catch up with us and the attraction and obsessiveness is also a reminder of how we felt about our first love...our husband. Remember this; no matter who you are with the doldrums will always visit again. Please don't take this chance...it's hard to not want the excitement of infatuation, the unknown....but plenty of people can get hurt with this and in your heart of hearts, you know this. Hug, bj

This is so well put. I've been married for a while and my husband is amazing. I do long for that magical feeling you get when you first meet someone and you realize that connection. Kisses that haven't yet been given, caresses that are new, exploring your skin in ways you've never felt.

Can you pay the price for this magic?

[kitten16]

Harley - yeah, that really is possible, he could be playing up the hesitancy in order to look like a nice guy and keep me in a state of adoration. Ha.

He's been a selfish asshat, no question. He flirted with me to beat the band, extended the fantasy for a little while, and then took fright (apparently) and has kept me at arm's length ever since. My feelings are apparently not on his radar. (He's not super verbal though, so I'm not sure how much he knows or wonders or cares about my mental state.)

But if he was grooming me for something, he's sure as $hit lacking in the follow-through department! I mean wtf, he was in my town for a week and he never lifted a finger to contact me. I sent him one email during that time, which he didn't respond to. Pretty frickin' rude, but not exactly playerish.

He knows I'm besotted and would have made it easy for him. But no - he prefers the fantasy. He'll email me from another country, but doesn't want to meet up when we're in the same city. If he was a player, wouldn't he have tried to have sex with me when he had the chance?

(Someone suggested his wife might have come along this time. I think that's possible...)

(sigh) Sorry I can't let this drop, I'm really obsessed. Saw a new therapist last night, and I think he's going to help a lot. He made me promise not to contact this guy again. So looks like everyone in my world is telling me the same thing right now

Originally Posted by Harley47

I'm glad to be of help Kitten. Voltaire once said "Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do." lol I'm just trying to minimize my guilt.

There is something I would like you to consider though. Have you ever thought he might've purposely fostered that image of himself? If he were to display himself as sure of his choice to have an extra marital affair, that'd paint him in an obviously bad light. So I would think that it'd be in his best interest for his goals to paint himself as hesitant, -say- he didn't want to do this and hurt his marriage...but I'll be honest with you, I think he's baiting your emotions and sympathies. That's my guess, at any rate, and was my perspective when I called him scum.

Whether or not I'm right (I would honestly prefer I wasn't), you are certainly right in your assessment of calling him bad news. I hope things get better for you, and I'll be certain to keep you in my prayers.

[Harley47]

No need to apologize Kitten. It's okay. I am very happy to hear you have a new therapist, and I hope things go well for you.

You do have a point in him not pursuing you...I'm wondering if for him it's a matter of the fun being in the chase (so to speak). I'm trying to think like him, which is difficult for someone like me, to say the least. At any rate, I would tell you you're probably very correct in calling him a selfish asshat. :P

Do what it takes to put this behind you, and don't let this guy cause you any more distress than he already has.

I wish you nothing but the best in this.