I'm getting married :) But here's the problem...

I got engaged to such an incredibly charming, kind and understanding man. Never would have thought I'd see the day!!! But...

First, my brother moved back just one short month after the engagement. His return to our home town put me in a HORRIBLE mental state, sent me back to therapy. Over the years though I've been trying to get past it, ignore the past and stay on good terms with him. Now I'm trying to cut it to as little contact as possible.

With the new t and the new spark of problems, I've been noticing more and more about the dysfunction in my family. I've stopped blaming myself and stopped making excuses for them. I've also realized that so much of what I went through was a direct result of my family. Could have been avoided had they put me first. My family is much worse than I would ever allow myself to see. But now I'm starting to see and now I'm getting very angry.

So the problem is, inviting people. I don't know who to cut, who to invite and how to tell them they are not invited. My guest list, if I cut out all of these dysfunctional people will be below 20, when originally it was at 65. His family, about 60. So my side will be bare if I cut them all out. Should I? Or should I suck it up for a day to invite the family? It's not like they all directly abused me, but they did turn away when it was happening, they did put me in positions for it to happen, they did allow and influence a lot of the pain I have suffered over the years. I just don't know what to do. I've been fighting for years to somehow manage to keep a relationship with the closest family (by blood) if I go through with not inviting them, it will ruin it all. But it seems like they were the ones, when I was a child to soil the relationship. But it doesn't stop the guilt if I don't invite them. But the return of the brother, and a seizure as a result, that on my wedding day would NOT be good... I just don't know....

Advice? Anything?

Similar circumstances with daughter getting married and her brother, my son.....She did not invite her brother or her sister.......she wants no drama and inviting them would cause drama...a lot of drama...

Its your wedding....Do what makes you happy. You owe no one an explanation...and you owe yourself a great wedding!!

You can invite brother etc after the wedding for dinner at a restaurant or whatever if you desire...or leave it go altogether.......Some of us are people pleasers to a fault and we have to draw boundries to protect ourselves from ourselves sometimes.

It wasn't a wedding, but it was my mother's funeral. I had gone through a horrible trauma with the home care person who was the neighbor & good friend of my mother's boyfriend & his daughter (from my mother's church). The pastor of my mother's church I had issues with also because of the abuse & things that this home care person was doing (in only 5 days). When my mother died, I was in the hospital dealing with anorexia that all the stress & trauma had major contributed to.....& the pastor called to talk to me about doing my mother's funeral.....I wasn't about to have him be any part of the funeral.....I had decided that it was grave side & no one other than close family & close friends were to even know when or where. Told the pastor if he wanted to do a memorial service, that was his business but I was in the hospital & wouldn't attend.....but the funeral was going to be done by my pastor & was not open to anyone other than close family & definitely NOT the BF. I wasn't about to take any chances to have anyone show up that was going to cause me any more stress than I was dealing with anyway......the police & APS were involved with the situation.

My daughter was angry with me because I didn't have the same huge funeral that we had for my dad (her grandpa). Trying to explain all the trauma that had just happened wasn't easy & why I couldn't allow the same for my mom that we had for my dad was not easy for her to accept.....but she did & life went on after it was all over & my daughter didn't hold it against me even though she really wasn't quite able to understand the horrible stuff that had happened that kept me from being able to have the funeral in any different way.

My point is that, your wedding is to make a statement before God of your love for each other. Those attending should be ones who support you & who will provide further support in your life. It's not some kind of show like weddings have seem to become. It's more important to be surrounded by those who really care than those who will cause issues or create an uncomfortable feeling for you.

It's your wedding day & you need to look out for yourself & your own well being during that time....it doesn't matter what others think. You have to do what is best for you & your feelings.

If you think that your family may spoil this day - then you know what to do...but if it's just some offence for all last years...I think I'd invite my family to the wedding and then move into another life with your loved one!

I have to agree ~ This is YOUR DAY and your FIANCE'S day! It's NOT to please anyone else. This is a day you want to remember with love & joy! If having your family there is going to put unhappy memories & resentment in your life, the do NOT invite them. Like MissBelle said, some of us have been people pleasers for so long, that it's time to stop!

You don't want to walk down the aisle feeling stressed & angry. You want to feel love and joy. Make this TRULY your day! Forget about them -- if you're having a reception, MAYBE ask them, or have them over after your get back from your honeymoon or something. But don't ruin your special day. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

My husband was in a similar position. The only people there just for him were his parents. To avoid drama at the wedding we made a list of who he wanted most at the wedding. That was his parents. To accomodate them we ended up having to not invite a lot of the rest of the family. My best advice... DON'T DO SIDES. We had around 80 some people at our wedding and a lot of my family came. We set it up so parents were in the front row and then we talked to my family and had them arrange themselves to fit the rows directly behind both sets of parents, and then had everyone else fill in wherever (make sure there's few enough seats so they have no choice but to fill in both sides). Ultimately it is up to you, of course. There is always the chance of some drama.

PS. I just wanted to add that I am very proud of you for how you are dealing with your family situation. My husband won't go to therapy and is still in a lot of denial, I think, about how much their choices hurt him.

It's very hard to forgive and forget those who hurt us in the past that were supposed to love us. You know them best, if they're still dysfunctional and there's no way you can get past the hurt, it's your wedding and you choose who to invite.

Review your feelings with each family member (as you are doing) but were those feelings given enough time to be forgiven, sorted out when they've been brought up after years of ignoring those feelings? I don't know if your feelings seem to be 'at the moment' engagement can really stress a woman out.

When is the wedding date? I hope you have some time to figure it out before the wedding. I don't want to tell you to ignore them, but I don't want to tell you to just invite everyone

Oh, and congratulations

Don't worry about who gets cut and/or telling them anything; send invitations to who you want at YOUR wedding; doesn't matter about the other side; I had the zillions of people at my wedding and my husband had 3-4 relatives and 10 or so work friends/couples! Who cares, it's YOUR day!

If you have trouble with that; get married more "privately" and then have a friend or relative give you a big party later in the summer, after you get back from any honeymoon, etc. and invite "everyone" then when it isn't as meaningful to you?

Thank you everyone! My wedding isn't until April but I have to send out the invitations in the next couple of months to give plenty of notice for all of the out of town guests. My main two issues are my brother and my mother. I love them both, even have a tolerable relationship with them. My mom truly is a kind woman, and my brother is emotionally ill, or was at least. I mean we both went through very similar childhood situations. But none the less, as a result of his illness, I was abused. And as a result of my mothers mental illness, I was in a way very neglected and put in many situations I never should have been in. As well as it seems as if consequences don't register with her. She doesn't see me (it seems) as anything more than a story to tell. It's as if when I am hurting, sick or having mental troubles, the only thing she's thinking about is telling everyone about it. Introducing me to all of her friends "this is my daughter she has so and so" (referring to my mental dianosis', or any time ANYTHING happens what so ever, telling the whole world when honestly, it's no ones business. To have that around my soon to be in laws is worrisome. Not to mention the drinking, the alcoholics in my family that get over board with drinking. And if there are no drinks, there will be a lot of negative talk to me about the lack of drinks. And if I chose not to drink, there will be a lot of negative talk about me not drinking. There will be a lot of open sex talk about me (they find it funny that I get embarrassed or offended when THEY talk about my sexual life), I can already see myself looking over my shoulder waiting for me to have to stand up for myself in some way.

The past abuse, the past negative treatment by other members, as well as my brother and my mom is new. Very new. I never dealt with the anger before. I just put the blame on myself or made up excuses for why they are the way they are. But I am seeing more and more that I was treated very badly by the people I've defended this whole time. That some things, there just is no excuse. I'm trying not to ruin this relationship, it's only hanging by a thread as it is, so I'm trying not to ruin it, but I'm also trying not to drive myself insane. I have a lot of blackouts involving many of these people, and then I have a lot of self inflicted repressed memories, I forced myself to forget involving these people. And since my brother moved back, many of these memories have come rushing back. I'm just learning to actually process and not ignore this. And I just don't know if I'm ready to have a room full of these people, at the same time I'm trying not to ruin the fragile relationship.

((((Purple)))), you are in a difficult situation that I can totally relate to.

Wedding planning is totally stressful in the best of circumstances. Add family history (trauma, guilt, whatever, and it becomes overwhelming.

This is your life and this is your (and of course, your finance's) day! (Congratulations! btw )

The most important thing is to focus on yourself and deal with all of your feelings and resolve things FIRST. You certainly don't want to be upset and triggered at your own wedding. You come first.

You can always send the invitations out at a later date once you get some things settled within yourself - and with the support of your fiance and the help of your T. You may feel differently a month or two from now. Or you may not. But hopefully you will feel clearer in your decision...whatever that may be

((((Rose))))

Congratulations on getting married!!!

I would echo what has been said. This is for you and your fiance, and that is that. You are in no way obligated to invite anyone, family or otherwise. If you feel like certain elements of your family would be a negative impact on YOUR big day, you shouldn't feel like it is in any way your "duty" to invite them.

Please have a wonderful wedding and many happy years together, and I wish you my best.

I agree with all the other posts with this one caveat: Please be certain you aren't "not inviting" close family like mother and brother as a way to punish them for the past.

Every one of us has issues with our parents and siblings. Every one of us can say that at one time or many times they were "less than" they should've been and less than they could've been. At the same time, they did the best they could do at the time, cause nobody gets up in the morning and wonders how they can F--- up their children, even if they end up f'ing up their children, if you see what I mean?

In other words, just be sure about your motives cause if you later come to the realization that you left them out to spite or hurt them, you'll be the one who feels bad about it, and who needs more guilt?

Just a thought, not saying this is your situation, OK?

Congrats!

PS I agree with another poster that you have several months before you have to worry about saving the date for an April wedding. It's only June. Again, your wedding. Just a thought.

I talked to t about this. I'm not going to exclude mom from the ceremony. Of course Dad wont be there, my middle brother will definately be there. My mom, although she doesn't ever mean harm, she's just one of those that never thinks of the consequences of her actions, and for that I was in a difficult childhood. But she never intentionally hurt me. My oldest brother, the way I look at it, I have 10 months to decide. I can send him an invitation but I can call him the night before if I want and tell him I do not want him there, tell him why and he will not go. But I still don't know if even sending an invitation is the right way to go. T and my fiance don't think it's a good idea to invite my brother. But I hope that 10 months from now I am stronger and can handle this stress much better, and it wont effect me so incredibly and I will be able to handle it. I just don't know what to do on that part.

My brother was very abusive. Both were. But the middle brother apologized, we mended the relationship. The eldest brother was far more abusive and never apologized. It was much more difficult with him, many blackouts with him around.

The rest of my family, I'm just going to decide as I come to that point. Like my Grandma, while I love her and want her there, she is currently the guardian of 2 little boys, one who is the same age as my daughter, abusive toward my daughter and threatened to kill me because I say he can not marry my daughter (they are both only 4, I do not take his threat seriously but I'm trying to keep that kid away from my well behaved child, he's rather bad) so I don't know if I will invite her for the sole reason of that child. I've been trying to ignore her calls and visits as she often stops by and ends up leaving the kids for me to care for, leaving that kid to pick on my daughter for hours on end. But even ignoring her calls, she is just stopping by unannounced now. So who knows if I will invite her when she's going to have that kid.

I just don't want anything to really stress me out, and pretty much everyone in my family has and has the potential to again upset me on this day, and perhaps that's what I need to work on, not letting them upset me. But when your mom burts out your mental disorders to a room full of people you don't even know, imagine the paranoia she will do the same at a toast or something on your wedding day. I can see it now "I just wanted to say I am so so so happy for my wonderful daughter to be marrying such a normal good man, with her dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia, her blackouts and seizures, I'm surprised she met anyone so normal" and even if not in a toast, someone would get that speech at some time during the reception. Maybe not, but it wouldn't be the first time if she did for sure

will you regret not having your mother and brother there? that's the basic question and you have your answer.

best wishes on your new life with your man!

Congrats on your engagement!!

Having been married a total of two weeks and one day, the planning process and all the drama that went with it are fresh in my mind.

Here's a couple of things to think about. With a wedding 10 months away, you don't need to send invitations until 6-8 weeks before your wedding. If you're worried about out of town guests, you can send out save the dates only to those that will have to travel (or only those you are 100% sure you want to invite, because you can always change your mind later when you send out the invitations. It'll be easier to invite someone last minute than to ask them not to come last minute). For out of town guests, you can also block hotel rooms for them so they will definitely have a place to stay and probably at a discount.

Sometime else to consider, if you're worried about having obnoxious children at your wedding, make the wedding adults only, with the exception of your own child (and if you decide to have any children in the wedding). When my husband's sister got married, they wrote on the invitations that children were not invited. The only exceptions were her own siblings (my husband, who was 7 at the time) because they were in the wedding and they were her siblings. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

Try to remember that you will not please everyone, so make sure you're pleasing yourself first and foremost. I know this can be extremely hard. It sounds like such simple, easy advice, but it's so much more work than you think!

You can tell the DJ exactly who you want and do not want to give toasts, so you can make sure your mother never even gets the mic. You can also hire a day of coordinator to help make sure you day runs smoothly without you having to worry too much (as part of my package, my caterer included it. She was amazing!). Heck, my wedding even had a cop (because the property was owned by the town), so there's options for added security to help keep your mind at rest.

If you want to talk anymore about wedding planning or anything, feel free to PM me. Weddings are super stressful, but we're here to support you. Congrats again!

So heres the thing, for the last two months my mom has been hounding me about going dress shopping. I wanted to make my dress myself but she wouldnt give up. So i caved. I decided i would go dress shopping with her since shes "been waiting for this for 25 years" i decided it wouldnt hurt to try them on to get ideas and just have one custom made, we have 9 months to go, not much time for me to make the dress and everything else im making. So about 3 weeks ago we decided on the 7th, i even invited my future mother in law who was really excited. So mom messaged me on fb yesterday saying shes going to cancel the appointment for the 7th because she cant get off work. Then her story changes that she just cant afford it, although i told her numerous times that i am paying for it. She wants to reschedule but my entire month of july is already full as well as my mother in laws. So at this rate i wont be able to order my dress until mid august, since im doing it online its going to take a long time for them to custom make it but her guilt trip if i just go ahead and order it will be rediculous. Im contemplating on rescheduling for the 7th, going with my mother in law and ordering the dress, then just going (although at this point it would be useless) and trying them on again with mom when a time works for her. Is this ok or am i already turning into this bridezilla you hear about?

My advice (since ya asked) is to keep the date that you scheduled and go with your mother-in-law. I say this because your mother is giving you mixed messages. If she honestly cannot get off work, that's a legitimate reason to ask for a change in dates. However, she ALSO said she couldn't afford it, which makes me wonder if maybe she's just having some inner conflict about it. IF that's the case, she'll probably cancel you on a second date too.

Soooo, if it were me, I'd take my future mother-in-law with me and have a great time and go out to lunch either before or after the appointment. Just tell your mom something like, "I'm so sorry you can't get off work but I can't reschedule this. You can come to one of the fittings if you want to" and leave it at that.

Family can be sooooo high maintenance, can't they?

Anne

PS Keep in mind that most wedding gowns are ridiculously over-priced. If you don't hvae time to make your gown but don't want to pay the exorbitant fees to get it through a bridal salon, try on some gowns at a bridal store, take pix of the top one or two and find a local dressmaker to make it for you. A good dressmaker can create a beautiful gown that is not only much less expensive (like $500 instead of $5000) but better made. The bridal shops get their gowns made in Asia and the workmanship is sometimes iffy, IMO, especially for gowns costing so much.

Hope that helps!

Anne

I just wanted to tell you you are NOT a bridezilla AT ALL! If anything, you have a momzilla on your hands... You are the complete opposite -- trying to please everyone. But try to remember this is your day to celebrate your love with your fiance. Most people forget that's what weddings are about, especially family members -- I got some of this first hand, too. It's really upsetting to think that people are trying to make a day that suppose to be about you and your fiance and the love you share and the life you will be beginning and turning it into something about them and their family dramas! I know it's going to be hard, but stand firm and believe in YOURSELF. You are a wonderful person, you have a supportive fiance, YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS.

In the manner of dress shopping, I tend to agree with wagner. Don't reschedule. I don't know how hard it would be to reschedule with salon, and you don't want to keep postponing this for your mother, especially if there is a risk she might cancel again. Just be careful with taking pictures -- a lot of places won't let you for the very reason of wagner's suggestion. I did get my dress through a bridal salon, and I didn't think it was very expensive (I thought it looked like it should have cost a lot more than it actually did). A friend of a friend only wanted to spend $300 on her dress, and she was able to do it through David's Bridal (just be careful with them, I've heard terrible, terrible things about their sales people's attitudes). You can shop around to find something you can afford. Perhaps you can go to a different salon with your mom after going on the 7th with your future mother in law?

I'd say boo! to the lot of them. This day is totally about you and your husband to be - invite those who will help your day to be a very happy one.

Some may get in a huff, but give them the contact details of their nearest T so they can work through THEIR feelings about not being invited - hey they may even have the chance to reflect and gain some insight

Seriously, I do think we can tie ourselves up in knotts trying to consider everyone else, this day is the start of your life together as a new family. Let the others think what they want to think. Soup

I decided, I'm going to make an appointment myself, give her the date and time, and if she can't make it then she can't make it but she wont be able to cancel it and I wont feel guilty because she can't make it. I'll take her into consideration when making the appointment but if she backs out, then she backs out and I will still go with my future mother in law. I don't want to hurt moms feelings but I'm not going to be pushed around. T told me today about assertiveness, that sometimes it's ok to say no, sometimes it's ok to do what I want, and I think my wedding is the best place to start. Of course considering my fiances feelings as well. But I'm just going to take charge of this, invite who I want and no longer cave because I feel pressured.

I love it! I support you 110%!!! Way to go, PFM!!!

You go girl!!

Anne