H mad because I use the computer to talk to people

Hi everyone. I have had an issue come up this weekend and it is not the first time it's came up. My H doesn't like me talking to people on the computer. PC is the only site I network on. I don't have a face book. I don't twitter and do all that other stuff. But he doesn't like me using the computer to talk to people. He eoesn't understand why I choose the computer over real people, no offence yall are real don't worry. I have tried to explain it is easier it can be done from home, I don't have to invest gas to go visit or go out to get a bite to eat. I can't cultivate a live friendship because I have no money and there is not enough money to go around to afford that normal convience of life.

My H hates technology. He does no social networking. He asked me how would you feel if I (he) had a face book account and was talking to people. I told him fine. If that's how you want to spend your time go for it. That made him more angry. HE wanted to know if I felt the need to help people why not help people at church, or out in our community. I am not liked. I'm not interesting. I'm not really sociable. I feel safe talking to people online.

Is it wrong to talk to people at PC if he doesn't want me to. I feel like he is controlling. I get fussed at if he comes home and finds me on the computer playing solitare. If he is glued to his phone I come and check my e-mail. That makes him mad. He can ignore me and it's ok. If he is watching football,and I'm board I'm in the wrong for using the computer. I try hard to not use the computer when he is home. I use it after he goes to sleep. He is fully aware of all my viewing habits. I have nothing to hide. I just showed him over the weekend this site and how harmless it is. He laughed at my name, and how pathetic it was that is how I feel the need to talk to people. He hates the computer. Being unemployed and have been for 15 yrs. He said repeatedly and laughed I don't know what you are gonna do w/ that computer blows, but I ain't buyin another one. What an ***. He hates anything to do w/ me I feel like. I don't know what he thinks will happen. I know he is insecure. He knows we have issues and fears I'll stray. He's not doing his job to help me be happy. He's helping to bring me down.

Am I wrong in continuing to talk to people at PC. If he doesn't want me talking to people am I being a bad wife talking to people on the computer.

My T thinks it's great that I have found a community here, and he even recommends PC to other Ts and other miscellaneous people. And my T watches football too. So I don't know who is smarter, your H or my T. I do know my T sits on his butt to work all day long and hugs cute girls like me!!

It's a support group. You get support. Part of feeling like life is worth living is sharing experiences and some laughs with others. These peopl know you, carefor you, and understand where you are coming from.

I'm sorry to hear that your H feels this way. You have hidden nothing. Has he been specific beyond teasing you about your name?

Please don't go. I know I don't really know you, but

I think you've hit the nail on the head - its because he can't control it. I think he may be afraid that you're getting advice, help and a friendly ear here, and maybe its stuff that he might not want you to hear...

And of course you're not wrong to use the computer. Just because he doesn't use it, doesn't mean you shouldn't. His choice not to, just as it is your choice to. He should leave you alone, esp as you've been 100% honest.

Slump I don't plan on leaving. I need you guys.

Riot I think it is a control thing.

knowledge equals power. He says he doesn't want to contrlo me. He seems sincere when he says he never wants me to feel that way and it is not his intent. But I have a hard time believing him. He controls the money, the amount I can go places because he has control of the money, he controls what we watch on TV, what kind of music I can listen to, and he is so jealous that I'm gonna fall madly in love on the computer. I think he forgot I'm married..... to him. He is afraid my opinions will be swayed by others or that I will be encouraged to do the wrong things. He doesn't trust my decision making. It is certinly different from his decision making process. I think w/ my heart and he thinks the worst in everything except himself.

Riotgrrl is right... he doesn't have control over what ideas you may get exposed to here, and therefore that is what he considers to be a threat to him. You're right to recognize his insecurity. Forgive me if I am wrong, but I think I have read in your other posts that you are seeing a T? I think both of you are seeing one if I remember correctly. If so, then the same ideas that you would be "exposed to" by seeing a T are the exact same ones coming from us. So... I'm not seeing what the problem is. Same information, just a different way of getting it.

But yeah, you have been nothing but honest... even going as far as to show him the site and everything. I don't know you very well either, but I just wanted to send you another

Thanks tigerlilly - We are both seeing the same T together most of the time. This came up once before in T and he shut down and discussion didn't get to far. I called to T to let her know we had a tough weekend and that the computer subject came up again. Maybe it is time to revisit the subject. My trust level (of the T) is different now, as is his. We have T tomorrow. I know it is his insecurity.

He say's stay off the computer, I feel like I should obey. The T says a dog obeys, you command your children(it's wrong, you shoul ask, He commands) but you don't make your wife obey and you don't make commands and expect compliance of your wife or any adult.

You know, "mama" ~ you said that your husband can be 'glued' to his phone. How is that different that you being on the computer? How is his TV watching different than you "watching" the computer? How is his watching football all the time any different that you being on the computer? This man is SO behind the times, not only in technology, but in women's affairs!!! What makes him think he can CONTROL ANY WOMAN anymore? That went out with the women's right to vote!

So he " shuts down" when something comes up that he doesn't like in therapy. That must mean that he shuts down ALOT, doesn't he!! Because there has been ALOT that has come up that he hasn't liked. How in the world has this therapy been helpful as far as HE is concerned? How has this changed HIM at all? You say he has gotten a "little" better on some things, but hasn't he gone right back to his old behavior on some things? It seems to me that he has from what you've said.

I KNOW that therapy has helped you my friend. You are now stronger than you used to be. I hope this new found strength will help you choose the route in which you need to go. Your happiness depends on it. God bless and please take care. Love, Lee

Big Mama,

There is nothing wrong with you getting support and spending time on PC. You are actually developing your people skills, realizing you are not "alone" in how you feel too. You have been gaining and growing BM, so don't "feel guilty" at all about that.

((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Leed he must be the dumbest man on earth. He has learned to soften his tone, he has learned to get down on my level visually, he has learned to give me a lot of space my personal space boundries are different from most folks, he's learned the damage it causes it call me dumb and many other names. We are working on communications skills alot because he must only talk to cave men.

You made me laugh, it's a first today.

"So he " shuts down" when something comes up that he doesn't like in therapy. That must mean that he shuts down ALOT, doesn't he!! "

Yes he does shut down alot and the T catches him asks where are you, where were you, tells him to come back. Some times she just switches the conversation to me.

It has helped us both w/ me having an advocate to help me and keep me safe. (not physically but mentally) The T is wonderful at helping us understand the meaning behind the words. When he says I don't want you using the computer and talking to people that really says I'm insecure.

I have to say, I don't know what he is complaining about. I have been following your story since you had a "live-in T", kind of, the one before this one who was there a lot more, wasn't that you? And from what I can see, you are really trying to still do things his way as much as possible. I can recognise that, I really wish he would too. Plus I can't believe you figured out how to do that and still be happy yourself - that is the major accomplishment. But you are taking one step at a time and not pushing for too many changes all at once. So as much as you think you need us, you are also providing a good role model for all kinds of change here, for married or single people to follow. So he may be a leader at his job, but you are becoming a leader here, and that is important to us your followers.

I second ((((Hank)))) and the other members, Mama. And look how far you've come! You recognize it is Hs insecurity! That is a huge thing.

I really hope you will be able to bring this up with T tomorrow. If he shuts down and refuses to contribute to the discussion, it will be an awfully quiet 50-minute hour

Hankster thank you so much, that was such a nice thing to say. I am trying. It's really hard some days. I can say my H has improved by leaps and bounds. But he has miles to go. The T often see's my anguish and I tell her he has improved so much, now he is managable and tolerable. She wants to know is living this way forever acceptable. It is not, but if these changes have come about and made things better how many more changes will come about.

Sometimes (most of the time) I think to my self he's not doing this on purpose, poor guy he's just stupid.

Interesting. I've been with this T for ten years (altho I took 3 years off) and now we're both in our 60's, but only recently have I seen the man. I think we have to recognize the scared little boy in them, the defensive boy in them, etc, for them to give them up. I don't know what ELSE is going on in my T's life, but I am pretty sure I am responsible for some of his changing. But it's a mutual thing.

No you're an adult and even as a wife (or husband) no one should rule over your life like that. He is hands down, the epitome of controlling. It's his insecurity that leads him to feel that way. A controlling and abusive person has the goal in mind to isolate their subjects as much as possible. This includes moving farther away from friends and family, limiting one's phone usage or altogether keeping them from it in extreme cases and of course it follows that computer usage would be frowned upon. It stems from the fact that I believe the abuser knows what they are doing and the more of a "network" you have, the more chance that the abuser will be called on their actions and be held accountable for your pain and suffering.

You are absolutely in your right to continue using PC. In fact you SHOULD for the fact you can keep some kind of a support network going.

S4 thanks so much. He is very controling. Phone, TV, computer, travels, friends, he has control over all of these. But he has gotten considerably better.

He hates the inhome T w/ a hatred that is scary. He used to check the meter and limit our power usage. Or want it to only be used so much, we could only start the car so many times in a day, he didn't want to ware the starter out. The in home laughed one day, I think because she didn't know what else to do, She said you actually left a room and didn't turn the light off, it is the first time I've seen that in 6 mo.

Things have changed. I can now take incoming calls when he is here, I still get ugly looks for calling others when he's home. I can watch TV if I so choose and he will go to another room, that really is an improvement.

I am so proud of myself. I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything. I got my first checking account ever at age 38. I've kept it up and running successfully for 8 mo now. I'm not a dumb and irresponsible as he thought.

I had no credit. So the in home helped me get my first credit card. I have managed to use it and same thing, I'm not irresponsible and incapable.

It took a while to get a cell phone though. I talked to one of my H's partners at work. He wanted my cell number incase something happened at work (it is construction) and he needed a way to get in touch w/ me if I wasn't home. I laughed and told him I didn't have a cell phone. He was floored that I live 20 miles away and have to come down a huge mountain. And travel after dark to w/ out a cell phone. His and his wife lives in town and he wouldn't dare send his wife out w/ out a way to get intouch w/ him or anyone else for that matter.

It was about 2 weeks later and the business got an extra cell phone. I got to have it. I have used it a few times. It still takes me awhile to figure out how to text people who's numbers are not preloaded into phone. I know these things sound like normal conviences and they are. But my H has really made huge strides at loosening his grip and I know this leads him to be very insecure and leery of things. I don't plan on leaving PC. I am trying to draw very clear lines and be very reassuring not secretive. Fear used to make me secretive. Now that the fear is lessening I can tell him the truth and not be afraid if he doesn't like it.

We are meeting w/ the T. It is my intent to bring this up again. I have here there to protect me and help me.

Wow, no I don't see these things as small. They are huge, I know, for you in your situation and I'm happy for you. From your descriptions I'm beginning to wonder if he's OCD or something. That he only wanted the car started a certain number of times to avoid wearing out the starter sounds very obsessive and the fact that you have to watch the lights and how much power? Not just controlling but obsessive.

I'm glad you're standing your ground and not letting fear stop you. keep it up, I hope he learns to bend more and trust you without having to control what you do.

From your mouth to God's ear. Please.

He has since stopped the watching of the meter, and the starter on the car. The in home T we had made it court ordered that he comply w/ her reccomendations or social services would be called.

He also had to go to the P doc. He is OCD. They gave him luvox. He quit taking it after 3 months. He has lived his life constantly criticizing and mocking his mom, brothers and sister for having to take psy meds. He couldn't stand being reduced to the same thing he mocked them for. He quit taking them. The deal was P doc or T, if he didn't comply a call to social services would be made. My responsibility was and still is to make sure he goes to one or the other. Both the past T and the current T agree that this expectation should be kept in place.

OCD is not a choice. You can't choose to stop or continue. I thought he had OCD. but alot of his behaviors have greatetly deminished. He's not taking meds. He used to have us (me and the kids) pick up dirty gravel out of the driveway. I spilled oil on the grass one time and had to wash the grass so it wouldn't be oily and track oil inside. Our patio is clean enough to eat off of for real. The inside of the house , my God the list could go on forever. I have complied w/ the things I can, been as flexable as possible, changed to meet his OCD demands. The few things I won't budge on and the few areas in which I defy him cause great difficulty. The T is helping where she can.

I do bring my own issues to the table. Being raped many years ago, causes me to be hypersensitive to touch so I am not the most physically loving individual. I am a doer and a giver, my H is a toucher and feeler. So that causes aonther problem. He also makes me feel controlled and I am unable to speak out against him. It has to do w/ rape and being to fearful to stand up to "that" man. My H makes me feel controlled, disrespected, and at time I fear him. (not for physical abuse but mental) I fear I can't take anymore. This does not help us get along. It puts me back in the mindset or the rape. But he is learning to see those things. Now he talks to me when we disagree from across the room. He doesn't yell anymore. He jsut learned not to touch me when I'm angry, trying to provide comfort as you would in a normal relationship doesn't work for me. It's like touching a vet in his sleep or when he's angry. Just last week the T and I discovered that I have that kind of PTSD. She said that was the most difficult to live with and work around. Great huh.

Well I'm teaching home school and recess is almost over.

S4 thanks for caring, thank you all for caring, every one of you.

(((Big Mama))),

I am glad that you are meeting with your T and you are going to bring up these issues. Try to remember though that often people with "controlling problems" don't really "consciously" realize "why" they seem to "need to be that way to feel comfortable somehow".

Some of the things that you have shared here about your husband's past have showed, me at least, that he has a lot of inner "anger and confusion". I don't think it is always fair to "blame someone" because they adapted to some of the "expectations" they were given growing up. From what I remember, he was really pushed to have a lot of "responsibilities" growing up so it is doubtful that he had a "happy and healthy and normal childhood".

I just hope that he doesn't get into a situation where he gets bombarded with blame somehow. As you said, he has been trying, but it is clear that he is still confused about "why" he is challenging your sense of "well being".

Please try to keep in the back of your mind Big Mama, how you would address a rescue horse that has bad habits because of abuse and poor training. You can't just get on it and "beat" it right? You know it takes time and care to correct abuse, well, it is a bit harder for human beings because we are so much more intelligent.

Men often struggle when it comes in "trusting" therapists to begin with, as is your husband's reaction. They often "think" that they know themselves best and their ways of "handling things" seems to work for them. So far he has been "trying" because he has been given "instructions" and he thinks it is about "fixing you". This is evident as "he tries to lower his voice, but still is critical and controlling, but just in a lower tone.

You have to be careful with PTSD, because this disorder can push the "anger and negetives or whatever seems like abuse forward". So it is easy to begin to look at someone that triggers you as "evil, bad, abuser, and purposly toxic".

Think about how you would feel if you were constantly criticized for your "history and how you adapted" or that you have PTSD now. You would only "get worse" and may even "give up" right? What keeps you going BM is that you are being given recognition for your "gains" and how you are allowing yourself to grow as a person and join into reaching out and interacting more.

The only way your husband is truely going to "respond" and "begin to accept and trust" is if he also gets "some praise too". I see that with my own husband, if I get on him about how "his habits and faulty manerisms" constantly trigger me, he gets quiet and depressed and even "short tempered". The reason for this is because he doesn't really know "how to fix" "his" own bad patterns. But, when I point out the things I appreciate about him, things that I think are good about him, even give him some hugs, he is much more responsive and willing.

Now, I am "not" telling you that you have to "give in" or "keep allowing him to be controling" either. And I tend to struggle with that myself, because I "have" given in and "accomodated" the "faults of others out of "sympathy", and that is part of my "victim mentality" too. So I know it isn't easy BM. Ugh, especially with the PTSD creeping around. I am saying however to be as mindful as you can and realize that he has issues that "he has to understand gradually" and there has to be "positive" that he can hang onto while he is being made aware of "whatever patterns he has that are counter productive".

Open Eyes

OE you are absolutely right. Sometimes I don't think he does the things he does on purpose. The T has told me to keep in mind when his life seems out of control w/ work, church, finances, kids, busy schedules his mind says to find control where he can and control what he can because uncertainty makes him fill like he is spiraling out of control or himslef.

He did grow up as a 12 yr old raising his twin brothers who were 8. His mom was in and out of mental facilities and his dad was on a drunk and ward to tell where he was and what would happen when he showed up. He left my H enourmous amounts of money to take care of things while he was on a drunken spree. My H paid the bills as they came in, arranged transportation to get groceries. He kept everything looking as normal as possible so he and his little brothers would not end up in the foster system or seperated. HE did an execellent job. This went on for another 6 years until his brothers moved in w/ us 2 weeks after we got married. When his mom was around she had other health issues so he had to watch his brothers, mow the lawn, work the garden, and get up enough fire wood to stay warm all winter. At 12 he no longer got to be a kid. He was a 12 yr old adult. His daddy tought him that control is everything.

That's part of why I stay. It sounds easy to say just walk away. But it is not all his fault, he is trying, he wants to get things right, and we are in T to make things work. This is just another bump in the road, a really big bump.

He is insecure and can't trust himself. He knows the stakes are high, I'm not happy and I could easily run.If he can't trust himself to do the right things to make me feel wanted enough to stay hten how can he trust me to be faithful and want to stay. He knows what he has done to me, he realizes I have to live w/ what he has done to me and that could easily push me away.

Being that I don't speak his love language it makes it even tougher. I am a doer and a giver, I like to recieve words of affirmation. He is a feeler and a giver of touch. and likes to recieve physical touch. The fact that we don't have sex much I'm sure says something about my love for him. It does. Fear, intimidation, parent child relationship, but it is not something I'm comfortable participating in. I do try to give it as a reward, nothing says I love you like sex they say. I try to ease his insecutities w/ it. It would suit me fine if we never did it again. I tell my H each time I sleep w/ you I an telling you I am willing to spend another 18 years w/ you. If I didn't think I could/would stay then I would not put myself in a position to bear another child and spend antoher 18 years w/ you. I hope that makes since.

I stay because I see potential. I can't blame him fully for the things he does. Just like he can't blame me fully for who I am and what life's situations have made me into. So for right now I see what the future might hold, and that might is enough so I just might stay. If he didn't care and was not interested in changing it would be a different story. I guess I'll just have to struggle threw this and the next 50 issues that come along. One day we'll look back and say "I remember back in 2000 what ever, what was the big deal w/ us back then, I can't even remember". That's the day I'm hoping to see.

I like the way you are looking at the "big picture" here Big Mama. I have seen you vent here at PC, and that is good for you, but sometimes what can happen is you may get a bunch of replys that can "fuel" your anger and convince you there is more "toxic and abuse" then what is really there.

I understand how you feel about being intimate and that all you feel is the control and it makes you feel very uncomfortable. I have the same problem myself tbh, so I can relate to how challenging that is in so many ways. For me, I did work around that for a while and it became just another form of "closeness" that I shared with my H. Unfortunately he broke that trust, he had cheated on me while he was actively drinking and I never got back that sense of trust, at least not yet.

I am glad that you have taken time to understand your husband, it sounds like he has shared alot about himself with you, that is a big deal to a man BM. And if you think about how "hard" it is for you to be "intimate" well, honestly, there are things you want of him that are "triggery" and just as hard for him too. It can be such a challenge when "two victims of abuse" come together and try to have "balance" and feel they can trust in each other.

I honestly think BM that your husband loves you, but he is also "worried" he might lose you and so he, as you mentioned, gets into "control mode". After all if you think about it, that is what he had to do growing up to keep his family "intact" somehow.
Ofcourse he "likes" the touching part, I am sure he craved that so much growing up, and most likely never got it. I am sure there is a 12 year old little boy very present in him that really needed comfort and it was never there for him and so, when you hold back, it most likely means something to him that reminds him of somehow not being able to have that when he was so young. Wow, it is actually really sad BM.

Open Eyes

((((Mama)))) It literally made me cry to read that . I am so sorry things were like that for you. It hurts me to think that you were doing things like that and that he was treating you like that.

I am glad things are getting better. I hope you continue to focus on your health and well-being and growth. Please let us know how you are doing.

Take good care of you. Bunches and bunches of hugs and luv,
Rose

I didn't see what Rose pointed out BM. I am not so sure it is "OCD" though, I have a feeling this behavior pattern is more of a "PTSD or anxiety" problem tbh.

Because of my own history, as well as struggling with my husband's drinking problem, I was constantly "cleaning" my house. Now that I look back on that I realize that I did that because I constantly felt "unsafe" and somehow in my mind I thought that if my house was clean enough or pleased me enough I could relieve that "hidden insecurity". I see alot of things about myself that I did in an effort to help myself feel safer or get my enviroment better. I never realized "why" as I mentioned.

I am not that way now though, I could not keep that up with the farm, my own business and the PTSD too. I did have that strange "drive" in me, especially around the holidays. When I look even further back on my childhood, I also saw my mother struggle and I tried to help her clean her house in hopes to help her "feel better". And whenever my grandmother (her mother) came to visit, my mother ran around like crazy cleaning her house because her mother was the "queen of clean" right down to checking to see if there was dust around.

I really think in your husband, that is from all the pressure he had put on him growing up. It is just so awful how when a child has experienced what you have shared with us your husband experienced, how that presents psychological problems.

I was not as bad as your husband is, but I am not a man and I don't have "his" history either. I am sorry that you have to be involved with this experience, I hope this comes to light for him as you keep encouraging therapy. Somehow he has to learn how to "let go" of this behavior pattern, it is going to be a challenge, I am sure he doesn't realize where this comes from, as I mentioned, I had no idea myself, but I sure see it now.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Hi.

I use the computer to go online and talk to people.As I dont have a social life and I live on my owm I'm in various forums and yahoo groups so I have contacy with people.

I understand how H feels.I understand how you feel,I dont know how to deal with it.Maybe he is insecure and afraid you'll leave him by finding someone new.

REgards Chris.