How do I forgive him when he broke my deal breaker?

Hi.


I'm new & joined this site for clarity. I'm confused & don't know what to think anymore. I've been in a relationship with my bf for 3 years. He moved from FL to NY to be with me. While in Fl, he was depressed & on cocaine but wld only use it every 2 weeks when he got paid. I stayed with him even though I was in NY & supported him because I was in love with him wanted a family & a life with him even though he wasn't making the best decisions at the time. I was in pain when he would use it because he would turn off his phone from Fri until Mon & this would leave me anxious & worried because I didn't know what was going on. This was the first time I've had a long distance relationship. I believed that we could have a good life together because we had a lot in common & shared the same values.


I stayed with him through suicide attempts & cocaine binges for 1.5 years until he made the decision to move to NY with me in 2011. I agreed but only if he stopped using coke & would try to get help with his life. He did. he cleaned himself up & went to counseling. He was depressed because he was lonely for me & both of his parents had died in 2008. We met in 2009. My son & I were living with my mom when he moved here because I was recently unemployed & I agreed to take care of him until he found a job then we would look for an apt & get married. I put him in hotels, rooms & even my ex brother in law's house until he finally got a job to drive trucks as an OTR Driver. I stayed by his side & offered support even though we would have arguments over money & there was tension because he is easily frustrated over things. We were in our growing pains time.


One of our arguments was so bad, I broke up with him but it was only for 1 night! He said he felt so rejected by me that he slept with another woman & even sent me the pics of him & her in bed! It broke my heart & I couldn't get it out of my head because I dedicated my time, myself & invested in US. He broke our bond. I felt betrayed because we didn't really break up. It was a bad argument & I thought we just needed a time out. He was OTR at the time & I had planned on calling him in the AM to make up. I tried to forgive him because I loved him but it caused me to mistrust him & I'm insecure about our relationship. It hurts because I was dedicated to him for 1.5 years & never strayed!! I was loyal even when he would turn off his fone but he wasn't loyal to me for 1 night because of a stupid argument!


We now live together. He's now has a local job & comes home everyday. He has somewhat proved his dedication to me but can give & do more. He still has selfish ways because he was alone for years & has to learn how to give & share. We argue a lot & some have gotten very bad. Our arguments are because I can't open up my heart & I'm always suspicious of his every move because of what he did. He accuses me of being with other men because of what he did. I thought about leaving him but it hurts to leave & it hurts to stay. I do love him very much & want to marry him but how do I learn to trust him again? What if every disagreement we have he uses that as an excuse to sleep with another woman? I want to trust him again but how? I wish I had a pencil to erase that part of our life because it has caused both of us a lot of pain.

Do you think counseling will help? I can't live in pain anymore. neither of us deserves it.

I think counseling would be worth a try. As you say, it sounds like you two really need some help. If he will not go, then perhaps a few sessions on your own could be helpful.

That said, it does sound like he has a lot of issues. The rubbing the one night fling in your face would probably have been a deal breaker for me. I think that was a mean thing for him to do.

Hi SirGoliath and welcome to PC. I am sorry to hear about how things in your relationship are going he needs to show you more about how much he cares. That was really wrong what he did after your argument...Gary

Forgiving him when he broke your deal breaker, could involve forgiving yourself for letting go of that deal breaker.

Sorry it's been so tough in your relationship.

Whatever you do, don't marry him until you have had time to be with him more long term and get to know the real him.

If it's a deal breaker, you don't forgive - the deal is broken.

I don't really understand why you want to stay with him.

If it was a deal breaker the deal should be off. Since the deal is still on, you need to address why you allowed this boundary to be crossed, forgive yourself, and take it from there...

I know I'm strange but what are you?
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I'm going to try counseling on my own b/c he doesn't think he needs help. He blames me & other people for the drama in his life but it's him. Just the other day, I asked him when he was going to replace my shirt he ripped & pay the parking tkt he got on my car b/c I saw that he bought himself $250 worth of sneakers. He became angry immediately, raised his voice at me, threw a $50 bill at me & said that I'm a gold digger, more concerned with his $ than my own & said I'm a hater & don;t want him to have anything in life. This is a man who I'm in a "partnership" with. I'm paying the car insurance & he drives my car 5 days a week but I'm a gold digger?! He's living in my house that I moved us into without any cost to him but I'm a gold digger.

I've put up with too much & I've asked him to leave by next week. He doesn't have any family up North & his $ is limited but I have an 8 yr old son. He's my priority not this man who doesn't care anything about me. I'm sad about it b/c I do love him but it's one sided. I have to look at what he's doing & not what he says b/c talk is cheap. We moved in July & he hasn't pulled his weight in putting my bed together or helping me around the house. I've come to the conclusion that it's cheaper to keep her b/c he has it good with me. I must be strong & move on b/c he isn't any good for me or my son. I don't want my son to believe that a man should treat his lady & behave the way my bf has.

Hi Gary.
He isn't going to show me b/c it isn't in him. I try to give him chances but he fails them. he does the minimun to get him through but he never does the maximum to make me feel like I'm important & to show he cares. He buys groceries for himself, not for the house, he takes care of his needs not my son's or mine, he drives my deceased father's car that I inheritied 5 days a week to work but doesn't offer to pay car insurance, he ripped my shirt in a fight 2 months ago, promised to replace it but when he gets paid, he doesn't offer anything. I watched him buy $250 in sneakers last weekend & buy a $12 pack of cigarettes every day but he doesn't offer to replace my $25 shirt.
This man doesn't care about me. I've sacrificed, saved & moved us into an apt in July without asking him for any $ b/c he wasn't making much at the time. It's going on 4 months & he hasn't even put my bed together! My 8yr old son & I put the apt together. My bf is a user. I've asked him to leave by next week. He doesn't know anyone up North & he will be homeless for awhile but I can't be his doormat anymore. It sickens me to wake up everyday to a man who has thrown his infedelities in my face & who shows he doesn't care anything about me. He should be giving & showing more than what he's doing if he loved me. I guess he doesn't. I'm ok if he doesn't but I don't want him in my house or my life wasting my time.

You're right. It should be off but emotions sometimes get in the way of logic. I've asked him to move out b/c I feel insecure in the relationship, I don't trust him, he is very selfish & only looks out for himself. After everything I've done for him, he done nothing but hurt me, takes advantage of my kindness & b/c I love him. I have to rebuild my boundaries & start over alone...without him. He's a damaged man & has issues with women. I thought I could show him what love is but he's too narcissstic & stubborn to listen. He does't want to go to therapy b/c he doesn't think anything is wrong with him. He blames all the problems inthe relationship on me! He blames me for losing everything he owned whenhe moved here without a job & $. I supported him the best that I could but even now when things are better for him, he does nothing for me unless it benefits him too.

I often wonder how can I think of marrying him. How can he be a stellar husband when he hasn't been a stellar bf!! I can forgive but can I forget enough to move past it? He has thrown women in my face b/c he knew it would hurt me b/c I was cheated on in other relationships. That doesn't excuse his behavior to play dirty. We argued & sure we both said some cruel things that I regret but I did not seek out another man. I want to look through his cell fone to see if he's being honest now & if I'm really the only one.

He's very jealous & has even gotten jealous when I would speak to an old man at the train station who only wanted a friend to talk to. My bf would accuse me of wanting to be with my old 75 yr old friend! I didn't know where that accusation was coming from & thought it was ridiculous but he has even brought that up an an excuse for his infidelities.

I've given him so many chances. I've asked myself if I'm expecting too much from him? Why am I so disappointed by him all the time? Maybe he isn't capable of giving me what I need in a relationship. He's hurt me a lot but I'm sure I've hurt him too. I didn't throw other men in his face b/c I didn't seek other men.
He does the minimum in our relationship. If it doesn't serve him, he doesn't get involved. We were at the grocery store a month ago & I was buying the groceries. My 8 yr old son wanted to help put the food on the belt & my bf became inpatient, said this was too dramatic for him b/c he wanted to get it done quickly & he walked out of the store, leaving my son & I alone at the store. We went home & he came home hrs later. I was shaken & hurt. I tried to let him see my side of things but he thinks it was my son's & my fault for not letting him put the food on the belt.

Even when we aren't arguing & getting along I feel unsettled & like something is missing. My mind regresses to when he said he "f'ed" other women & reetract my heart. It's a yo-yo & not fair to me or him! He hasn't even put my bed together & we moved into the house 4 months ago. I don't think he cares about us at all. There's so much that I don't ave the time to tell but he feels as though I wasn't fair to him. I've tried to be understanding & cater to his needs but I'm now thinking his blaming me is to gain sympathy from me & to make me more vulnerable to him so that I can bend in any direction he wants me to. Is it manipulation? I don't know him anymore.

That, is the most subconscious display, that I have seen/heard about in a long time.

Tossing a tantrum, and storming out of a grocery store, because your 8 year old was helping with the groceries..to not come home for hours later?

Our sons, see how men treat their mothers. And in turn...how they treat us, and how they will, in turn treat other women.

It sounds like you are yearning for him to be a different kind of person from who he is.

It can be so hard to find someone who is the kind of person that we would like to be with. Waiting for that seems to take forever. So along comes someone who appeals to us a lot. There is a lot we share with that person. We get involved, hoping that eventually we will get on the same page about important things together. Most likely, that never happens.

That's life. It's awful hard to accept. Been there myself . . . even still there. It probably won't change . . . ever. That's awful hard to face.

I love him...I really do! Enough to put an end to the fighting & learn to forgive him, me & the past. He holds on to the past too but says that he doesn't. A lot of him not doing things for me is from the past hurts.

I'm going to get therapy for my pains. I asked him to go with me but he said he doesn't want to & that I'm the one with the problem. Is my self worth low? I'm very sensitive & come from a background of emotional & mental abuse from my mom & grandmother.

To the original poster,
Welcome to pc!
Healing4me gave you wise words but it is up to you chew that advice.

Many people walk through life setting red lines/ boundaries/ deal breakers we tell ourselves but when the time comes and we are faced with walking away or staying it seems everything is negotiable.
Your self worth, trust, and values that make you, you.
Also consider what kind of male role model this man is setting for your son!
By now you know what you have with him, the deal breaker.

Concentrate on forgiving YOURSELF for allowing this db to change what is acceptable in your life. For shoving it in your face, this is not the one for you, you and son deserve better.
LEAVING someone you LOVE hurts, LOVE for yourself forgives with time.
Misery LOVES COMPANY and this man has too many issues that he must heal on his own.
Happiedasiy.
PS, take the advice from women who have lived this life/ or in similar shoes. This relationship when looking back on your life will be a short period of time that taught you many things.

That's good you realize he is creating this drama. Drama is the word I thought when I started to read your story. I would not accept all this drama in my life. I stopped talking to my own sister recently because of this level of drama. It's too stressful!

Yes, if you accept this drama, you are teaching your son this is how life is. Why would you even put yourself through this, let alone your son?!? (Rhetorical question. No answer needed.)

You mention in another post you come from an abusive background. Maybe that is why you consider accepting this crap from this person. You feel love despite the unlove you are being given. Go get some real love -- somewhere else. You sound like a caring person who is very capable of love. I wish you great love and joy. I think you can find it.

Rose, you're so right. This well-known repeating problem can be mostly resolved by finding out people's values and matching them with one's own. I have friends that don't match, and that's okay. My family members don't match, and I can live with it. My husband matches well on important stuff like highest values as well as practical stuff like money, lifestyle, children, and various odds and ends. We even share some recreation activities (which developed, hey, because our values are very similar). Feels like soulmate/twin, even though in many ways we are very different and complementary so we make a good team. Nice.

So why am I on this website? Well, I only have this one problem solved in my life. I have problems with emotions and finding a place for myself in this world, finding something worth doing.

He broke your deal and your trust. Even if you were to forgive him, it's up to him to make things right. This ball is not in your court. if he thinks things can just go on after this, then he doesn't understand the magnitude of his actions and he needs to. Thing is if you call it a deal breaker, then it's obviously a very high priority thing in your value system and will llikely not change. Not that it should. It's not up to you to violate your own value system for someone else. He needs to respect your values and show you that he does or you need to find someone that will or your relationship will probably remain rocky.

Thing is a guy that is so quick to jump into bed with another woman after a long term relationship that he claims to have loved his partner is to be questioned. He may change but unless you're pretty darn sure of it, I wouldn't put all my eggs in this basket. At this point I don't think he's trustworthy. his devotion to you has come into question when he is able to be intimate with another so fast. Sorry to tell you this but in my view this is just obvious.

I don't doubt for a fraction of a second that you do really love him . . . a lot. If you didn't, there wouldn't be any problem and this thread wouldn't be here. I don't doubt that you have a great capacity to forgive, and that he will be the recipient of that on into the future.

I think your compassion is getting in the way of you thinking about what is best for you. That doesn't mean you have low self worth. You understand a lot about how a tough background can warp someone's approach to life, and that lets you be understanding and accepting of this man. This would be great if he were a relative or just a friend. He's more than that. He's someone you will be depending upon for support during all the toughest challenges that will come along in your life. And you know what? He ain't gonna be there for you in the way that you will need. Going to all the therapists in the world isn't going to change that for you. You're dooming yourself to a lot of pain.

You probably can't end this relationship. That may just be too hard for you. But, in years to come, you may be able to look back more clearly and see that your hopes were misplaced. He is who he is. He's okay with that. You're not. You are the one with the problem . . . just as he says. And you always will be. Love is blinding you. Maybe you are the best thing in his life, and you hate to see him lose that. You are thinking about what is best for him. That's what love does. That is also how people, especially young women, badly mess up their lives. You see yourself as being strong enough to go without the support you would like to get from him, but don't get. Plus, if you give him up, maybe no one better will come along. Nobody wants to be lonely. As the song said, "Even a bad love is better that no love." That's what we believe when we are young. It's not lack of self worth. It's over-estimating our own strength.

If you can't end it, maybe try pulling back a bit. Maybe make him have to work harder to get from you what you have to give. This might teach you something about him.

You sound like a person who well deserves to be very loved. Settling for this is maybe due to a lack of faith on your part that life can offer you something better. Self-sacrifice is noble, if you are a fireman going into a blaze to rescue a family. Self-sacrifice on your part to make up to this man for how life may have cheated him is not noble, IMHO. You only have one life. Despite what your abusers communicated to you, you do have a right to put your own welfare at the very top of your list of priorities.

You don't forgive him. That's why it's a deal-breaker.

You should really do your very best to move on because honestly? Someone who sleeps with someone else and SHOWS YOU PHOTOS OF IT shows he did it purely as an act of revenge for his rejection. He PLANNED it to make you feel awful.

And that's abusive, manipulative behavior on top of just being gross.

It's time for you to put yourself first.

You should read Allison Bottke's books "Boundaries".

Hi there Sir Goliath

I just wanted to say, I thik you have made the best decision for you, and your child. I understand that it can be hard being in a relationship with a man who doesnt seem very secure in his own thinking.

Get the help you need, from whomever you need it! You need to feel free of guilt and hurt, you have put up with so much and I think you are very bold for saying enough is enough!

I hope things work out for you and your little one, stand firm and believe in yourself!

It's been awhile since I commented on this thread because I didn't want to sounds like an emotional @$$. I have been on an emotional roller coaster with this man & after weeks of hearing him tell dog to shut up, throwing her into the hall by her collar, telling me to shut up b/c I was singing & telling my son to move instead of excuse me & when I asked him not to do that he said he's a grown man & will do what he wants...I asked him to leave by this Mon. He's leaving on Sun. He's asked me to move to Fl with him but I said no. Of course he said that I don't love him & never did & brought up my past mistakes to make me feel guilty. However when I asked him about his infedelities & that's why I have not trusted him, he refused to take any accountability & blamed me for "pushing him" to do those things.

I have mixed emotions but with therapy & various readings, I've realized he's been emotionally blackmailing me to get what he wants & for him not give me what I deserve. I read a quote that sums up my whole relationship with him.
I've been normalizing his bad behavior. I've been in a relationship that doesn't exist.

"
If you’re with someone who is happier than a pig in ***** being a poor partner for any relationship, not just with you, it suggests that you need to get out and stop trying to turn a pigs ear into a silk purse. Even when you don’t have another person to be a team mate, you still have to be your own best buddy and act in the best interests of Team You, even in the face of uncomfortable, but necessary decisions."
Understanding the selfish person mentality in a relationship | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

Each day I fogive myself for allowing this man to penetrate my life, world & break my boundaries. I thought it was love but it was always one sided. I gave too much & he gave very little. To this day my bed frame is not put up because he has used every excuse not to help me do it but yet he sleeps on my mattress, which has been on the floor since July every day. Yet when he has needed something, I have given because that's what partnership is to me.

I've finally let it go & I'm looking forward to loving myself more & raising my son to be a responsible man.

In addition, he hasn't kept any of his promises to my son or me & he bullies & blackmails me into handling all the responsibilities in the house. I have a dog, which he found for my son. When I ask him to walk her, he says no because he doesn't like animals & that the animals are my responsibility since I wanted them. He knew this when we moved in together.

As I look at things that happened in the past, I realize that he didn't plan on being with me for long because he wasn't interested in signing th elease with me, didn't want to put his name on any home bills, didn't want to look at apts with me, never offered any $ towards anythng in the house except the rent. It was all on me. Why did I accept it? IDK...but I know I won't let this happen again. If someone breaks my deal breaker again, I will leave them in a heartbeat without an explanation. I can't continue to hurt myself becaue I need me & my son needs me.