Non Speaking Husband

One cannot just go by what a person has materialistically or monetarily. Misery in an individual can happen to anyone in any social/economical class.

I was thinking again about him getting you off the ownership of the house, it could be a deep fear that you will leave him, maybe he doesn't feel good enough for you and as you are nearing getting your masters he is fearing even more.

I do think he should get help, I understand he doesn't want to, but with the right therapist he could gain a lot on whatever he is struggling with. A lot of men feel that getting help means they are weak somehow, but that is simply not the case. Getting help is the "smart" thing to do.

If he feels everyone is out to get him then he needs help to get to the bottom of "why" he feels that way.

From the beginning of all this to now there has been a big change. Not 100% yet but he has come around. When this started I knew there was something (mental) but didnt know what or if there really was something. I didnt want to stick around and be an idiot sticking around for something that he really didnt want (me). In the beginning he said he was going through something to bare with him. As he was talking he cried and was in fetal position. When I called his mom, she said he was having depression issues ( the first day this happened). When I came back to the house, he originally said he didnt want me to see him this way (wouldnt say what way). When I came back to the house he would come home and go directly to the fish tank, sit for a good hour and watch the fish. He never did that. If I had the TV on he would ask to shut it off. He wanted it peaceful. No noise at all. (he never did that). I finally called his mom two-three weeks ago and she said again that he was having depression issues but didnt know what else to tell me. She mention that he hates his job, he doesnt get along with a couple people, and they hope he will look for something else.
I stuck it out because I think and I could be wrong that he really is having a mental problem. Im not sure what or to what extent. In the beginning I was ok with him fishing because I felt it helped him mentally. When he came home he seemed happier, clear minded, just different. I can see a difference on his face. I'm not a fool or am I dumb. I am not just sitting home allowing him to treat me bad. I to have two jobs that keep me busy along with school. He has been good. I wont take what he thinks he can dish out. If he is going through something I do not want to walk away. Why? If that was me. I would hope that someone would stick by me and help me. Throughout this crisis he has stated things to make me believe there is something wrong. Other that being an *****. Remember, the last statement about the picture? Now once I see or think I can see more of a positive difference in his mental state the house issue will be brought up. Its been a process to get him where he is today. If it doesn't work. I can say that I stood by him to help and I couldn't do anymore.
Thank you for listening to me and understanding why I am standing next to him to help. I have asked him to go to therapy and he says no. Ill give him a little more time and will ask again.
For the fish tank. He no longer comes home and sits to watch the fish for an hour. He no longer comes home and shuts the TV off. Totally different person. Im not saying hes perfect but I see progress.

So I think you are relating to what her husband could be struggling with?
Perhaps he was also "invalidated' in ways she is not aware of.

It actually "can" be hard to understand someone's actions, it could be a way of "defending self" and you are right, if a person has been hurt enough, their reactions can snowball, and then when the person settles down, he/she may regret some of the ways that they "self protected" perhaps too aggressively.

Seeyalater,

Here is a good article that maybe you can print out to save. Your husband "can" learn to be emotionally intelligent and do better. Understanding our emotions is important, then we can learn ways to correct whatever might challenge us and this can become a part of
becoming more of a success in our lives as well.

Why You Need Emotional Intelligence to Succeed*|*Dr. Travis Bradberry

Your husband does a combination of blaming and complaining. They're not the same thing. Being mad about you not cooking is complaining. On a deeper level, he is very unhappy and it's his nature to look for someone to blame for that. As a child, he may have been spoiled in some respects and emotionally neglected in others. I never got the impression that he wants out of this marriage. Just the opposite. He wants to be taken care of and hopes you'll do that. He may be depressed, and I think he has an emotional history that his parents could tell you more about, but they aren't going to.

His main problem isn't depression. That's more a symptom. He is very emotionally immature and is dependent on others for positive feedback. But others see him as self-centered and entitled, so they dislike him. He picks up on that and feels rejected and lonely. This is what's happening at work, and it will happen on any job he goes to, eventually.

Where I part company with most PC members is in my belief that therapy doesn't change people very much. I think Americans have an unrealistic faith in the power of professionals to fix things . . . and people. It's based in American optimism that what's crooked can always be made straight. The best therapy is life, especially interacting with those who love us, but have expectations of us that are fair. Therapists can help us rationalize why we are as we are, and that may or may not be helpful. The idea that understanding our issues allows us to change is overrated IMO. Understanding does not provide motivation.

If you stay with him, you will be challenged by his problems all your life, as he will be. But, since you've had happy intervals with him in the past, it's reasonable to expect you will again. Your role will be to provide "tough love," if he is to grow emotionally through his relationship with you. That, I believe, is the only "therapy" that will really matter. Leaving the house when he kicked you out was the opposite of what you he needed you to do. He was testing you, as a child will do. He will provoke you to reject him, secretly hoping you won't. He's afraid you don't really need him, except to share costs of living. You do seem like you could get by okay on your own. That's as it should be, but it makes him insecure. He wants things in his name because he's afraid you will abandon him.

To some extent, you'll have to parent this guy, if you want any kind of a life. That means pressuring him to do things that he doesn't think he can do, like hold down a job. He'll need a great deal if affection, but that doesn't mean you waiting on him hand and foot. Right now, he only feels loved when you cook and fold his socks. He needs to learn that your love is there even when you are not caretaking him. If you're up for all this, you may help him grow. It's a tough job, and you can't contract it out. By all means try and get him seen by a psychiatrist, but his rehab is mostly got to come from his relationship with you. His difficulties can't be medicated away. He needs to do some more growing up. It's like you adopted a teenager. You have to be strong and firm with him. Good luck. Something tells me you do love this guy quite a bit, despite his babyish ways.

Money and material items should not be an issue. We have good health, jobs, a roof over are head, and food on the table. We should be so blessed.
I have asked him to see a therapist but he declined. His comment was the weak only go to therapist. You took the words out of my mouth.
As time goes on I will continue to ask him to see someone. My comment was it only makes you/me a better person.
Its been a lot of work for me. Work, travel, and school but Ive done it. Time will tell.

No one is perfect and I will be the first to say I messed up. Then I would move on. I don't stay mad for long. Life is to short for anger.

You have BPD? When this all happened. I thought my husband could have BPD. The first month was a roller coaster ride and I felt there was no seat belts.
I read up on BP just to learn about it.

Rose76
You just seem to know a lot about both of us. I did talk to the mom and the only answer I got was depression. I dont see any parent coming forward to say they emotionally neglected their child. You are on target. When he was growing up his parents split and later divorced. When this happened he said his mom would leave them at the dads and not pick them up for days at a time. She was busy going out and having a good time. He was also told to always suck it up and be a man at a young age. He has discussed some of this with me before. My parents always put my brother and I first. Whatever they did worked for the best of us. My parents have been married almost 30 years and are very supportive in our lives. They have had ups and downs but stayed strong together. Key word is together.
Rose76
I talk to my mom everyday 2-3 times a day. At times she says some negative things on what she would do. Then at times she will ask "How does that make you feel" or "What are your thoughts now". You sound like my mom and seem to know exactly what to say ( that's a good thing). You don't know me but I feel like you do know me. My mom are I are very close. When I read your comment I almost cried. This hasn't been the first comment that you posted that I wanted to cry. What you post touches my heart. Thank you.

" When he was growing up his parents split and later divorced. When this happened he said his mom would leave them at the dads and not pick them up for days at a time. She was busy going out and having a good time. He was also told to always suck it up and be a man at a young age." quote Seeyalater

This information is important, and it's 34 pages into your thread. This explains "why" he is behaving the way he is with you. He "was" abandoned by his mother, he is afraid you will do the same. He has abandonment issues and trust issues. His mother was not there to make his dinner or fold his socks or do his laundry and when he struggled he was told to "just suck it up"? A child doesn't understand that. That is a very deep injury. He kicked you out the way he did because "he" was fearing you would abandon him so it was "his" way of controling that by kicking you out before you could somehow abandon him. His saying "it's your fault" is coming from how he is so worried you are going to abandon him. Often this is a deep subconscious hurt where an individual doesn't know "how" to better explain it.

This is one of the behaviors of individuals that struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. That doesn't mean he fits squarely into that disorder, but he is showing some of the symptoms. It is understandable that he would resist reaching out for help/therapy. I disagree with Rose, I do feel that the right therapist can help a great deal when a person is challenged. It isn't about "changing" a patient, it is helping them understand their challenges, in this case mourn it and to slowly learn how to see their partner in a different way instead of fearing they will be abandoned.

The fact that he said he was a loser that is failing to grow up, or get himself together is expressing the "hurt" he feels that goes back to being abandoned. Often a child will feel that the parent did not love them, that they were not "worthy" of being loved. That can be such a long term distorted thinking pattern that interferes with his ability to heal from that and "grow up". The boat he bought was an effort to "fill a void", also something to "run to" when he experiences these very deep and troubled feelings he has with you or even feeling "inadequate" somehow at work.

This is going to be a constant "challenge" for you, he will take it out on you every time he struggles with these deep abandonment fears. You do not have a husband, you have a "hurt child" on your hands right now. This could even get worse if you end up having a child too, he could see that child as a threat for your love.

I had challenges with my husband and I was patient, first it was about him binging, as he was a binge alcoholic, then it was all about being sober and trying to grow up, then when my daughter was around 12/13 he really hit bottom, and I had to get help from a marriage/family counselor. That is when I was told his true maturity level, age 13, and not to "mother him", so basically I had two children to help grow up, I can't say enough how incredibly lonely that was for me. I did not have PC to reach out to as you do here, I really had a hard time getting help tbh. My therapist that I finally found to work with told me when I was trying to find help, it just was not "there" for me. I recently met with yet another therapist who basically said the same thing.

At least you can gain access to more help, it's good that you can read about Borderline Personality Disorder, he may even have complex PTSD. If that "is" the case, then you cannot "fix" that, he will need help and again, I disagree that therapy doesn't help, because the right therapist "can" help a great deal.

I loved my husband very much too, but I really "missed" not having a true partner and having to basically be "the mother/adult" all the time.

OE

In the beginning he said that he went to talk to his dad. His dad told him to suck it up and be a man. He texted his mom for a few days and she finally responded with do whatever you want. She is remarried and has been for about 10 years. His comment to me was " if you hit rock bottom your parents are there to pick you up". Unlike mine.
His family will get together and have fun. Once you leave then you leave. Whereas my family we have fun yet we still talk everyday.

You have a good emotionally supportive family, he doesn't, that is sad but unfortunately families can be like that. Sadly parents themselves can be very imature and they can also be very selfish and never really do have true "parenting" knowledge and skills. Often how the child interprets that however is unhealthy and they tend to feel "unworthy" somehow. It can be very hard to work in a family business when that is taking place.

He reached out for help to people that "again" let him down, again the answer is he needs to "suck up or man up".

I am sorry he is getting that when he clearly needs help. When I developed PTSD, I got all the "wrong" things said to me, it made me worse and the last thing I needed to feel is "guilty" for suffering from something that was not my fault. If your husband is depressed, he should get help. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean someone is "weak", it just means they need help. I have interacted with people that found therapy to be the best thing that ever happened to them.

To add onto what OE said above, here is a link to a three minute video that I think does a great job describing how damaging it is when boys are told to "man up" or "be a man."

The 3 Most Damaging Words You Can Tell Your Son | SF Globe

There is a lot that cannot be truly understood unless it's been experienced. Mental illness is one of those things.
Depression didn't find me until well into adulthood and, by that time, I had been married a long time. However, no matter how much my husband reads or has explained or witnesses, he will never truly know. And it's not just knowing, but it's also a lot more work, both mentally and physically, than before. The same goes for you.

To be perfectly honest I have a deep, deep admiration for those couples that are beginning their lives together knowing, or just discovering, a mental issue. It's no picnic, for sure. Your husband will have to work at improving (and he will have to want to...), and you have to know that he won't do it in the way, or in the time-frame, that you would. You will be frustrated.

If your love for each other is not stronger and bigger than what he's going through, then it won't work. I am not saying that you will not have a happily ever after with him, but you both may need a break from the pressure.

Therapy works for a lot of people. When there is no "fix" for problem, you have to try everything that might improve it. It's my opinion that it would not be wise to discount ANYTHING when it comes to treatment.
But that's it's own discussion...

If he's emotionally absent, to you, is that what you'd want done to your children, if you chose to have kids together. It's no walk in the park parenting under the same roof or separate roofs, for that matter, when one parent cops out of their responsibilities to themselves and others to address their mi. Something to think about.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Thank you. I read this and will do more research.

Your husband is spending too much time around his father. That's who he feels safe with, for understandable reasons, now that we consider his history. But enough with the fishing already. Being with Dad is his way of isolating, which you are going to have to fight. This is an example of what you can have way more influence on than a therapist will. Start making plans for you two to have more of a social life with other young couples. He's going to fight this tooth and nail because he doesn't think that other people like him much . . . and he's right. Thry don't . . . because he's not that likable. He's lucky he's got you.

Growth in a healthy direction will come only through doing more healthy, normal things. Drag, push, plead, bully, cajole. A lot of being a good wife is practicing the art of effective nagging. Go to a vinyard and taste some wines. Forget movies. That's too passive. Go to one of those animal farms that let you pet the goats. Zoos are good. Start having people over and tell him that he must help host. Accept invitations to any and all social events. Talk to some of your gal pals about getting together.

He's gonna be a mule on this issue, but do not give up. Summer's coming. Let him be the grill man. Have people over. He'll build confidence, but it will be a slow process.

Ask yourself what in your area would appeal to a visiting tourist. Then do those things with him. Explain to your mom what you are trying to do and why . . . that he's depressed and isolating and you need to get him out with people who will show him some warmth. Sounds like your family would be the ideal people. Explain to your folks that he needs to feel embraced, even when he doesn't present as all that embraceable. He needs to learn a different way of being. For that he needs to be away from the parents who conditioned him to be as he is.

The most important things he needs to learn can't be explained to him; they have to be experienced. This is where marriage can remake a person. Yes, his mother neglected him. He can sit around pondering that and just end up more depressed. For him, thinking is a way of getting deeper into his rut. You must be the one to interrupt the thinking with "Come on, let's go . . . we have things to do, memories to make." Once in awhile, go fishing with him.

With all you already have to do, scheduling activities with him will be a challenge. But you seem to have a gift for time management. He needs your help now.

Personally, given what Seeyalater has recently shared about how his parents respond to him, I would make it a point to email this link to at least his father, his mother too if I had her email. Even find a third party (one I could trust obviously) to email it.

It's unfortunate that so many parents are just obtuse. Sometimes, they "can" be enlightened, sometimes.

I had a nice young man helping me part time during his months off from college. I got to know him enough to tell he was a very sensitive young man, slow and methodical thinker. He was struggling with his parents a lot. Then I actually got to meet his parents and sat and talked with them. His father is the type of man that is "hurry up quick" and has ADHD too. His mother is "passive/agressive", but did not realize it. I talked to them about their personality types and how the son is more passive and how the father has to understand this instead of just pouncing on him all the time, and yes making these kind of statements as well.

I heard later that his father kept pushing too hard, this young man ended up having a blow up with his mother. Oh, yes, it had been slowly growing inside him. I got to see his parents again and I explained to his mother "why" he blew up at her. I explained to her that often it actually "is" the passive parent that gets all the built up anger directed towards them, because the child/son deep down inside feels this parent should have stood up for him and supported/defended him more.

Believe it or not, "some" parents actually "can" be receptive if approached the right way.

Personally I don't believe that emailing parenting advice links to in-laws is a wise idea.

I get along with my son in law greatly and love him very much but if he emailed me parenting advice I would be really shocked. It is rather rude thing to do.

Is this ok in some cultures? What cultures? It is kind of rude. She is 24 and will be advising her in laws?

Are you the same person who suggested a woman tells her in laws that their son watches too much porn? Hope it is not you!

What's with this running to parents and in laws all the time?and if op and her husband aren't grown up enough to handle their marriage without mommy and daddy interfering then they aren't old enough to be married!

Op please do not email your in laws any articles with parenting advice. Your husband is 29 not 16.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was thinking about finding a way to at least get the father exposed to the link, even if through a third party. Sometimes there are creative ways to do that, sometimes not. Often getting someone actually "thinking" can be a big help. It's too bad his father uses these "suck it up, man up" reactions, they are not helpful, but instead dismissive and hurtful.

The parents I mentioned that I spoke to? Their son is in his early 20's now, they were grateful for the help/insight as the relationship has been very challenged. Sadly, the challenge she is having with her husband struggling to express his challenges has been caused by his own parents lacking in listening and actually communicating with him. That can be encouraged into more positive interactions. It depends on how approachable these people are.

Any kind of information like that from a DIL usually only causes problems & doesn't help....creates an adversarial relationship that usually progresses from bad to worse.

I tried to communicate the issues that my H had......after I finally left him & he had totally blown it with the IRS on my inheritance money.....the T I was seeing at the time & had told him everything about my marriage had suggested there was a great chance even though they can't dx without the person being there....but with all I said about him...it sounded like H was dealing with asperger's....... their precious son....possibly with Asperger's......I was the devil incarnate & how dare I leave him....he was the one who had tolerated me all those years & put up with my depression....little did any of us realize at that time...but all my suicide attempts were because of the marriage I felt trapped in...but it took years after I finally got out of it to realize the connection.......but I was the one to blame that their son had so many issues at work......ostriches stick their head in the sand & can't figure out why their rear ends keep getting kicked. But Inlaws hate for DIL's to tell them anything bad about their son's no matter what even if it's true.

The job of a wife is to be polite to the in-laws, and not get between them and the husband. Wife has no obligation to like or love them, just be courteous. Certainly, if husband confides to the wife a disappointing or hurtful exchange that he has had with his parents, he does not expect that she will go betraying the confidence by giving the parents feedback on what she thinks of their input, whether through third parties or otherwise. That's wrong on a number of levels. She can tell him what she thinks of what he relates to her.

The best thing you can do, Seeya, is to help your husband be a little (or a lot) less dependent emotionally on his parents . . . and be more dependent on you. That's, of course, conditioned on you sticking around. (You may need to give that some thought.) He's already expecting that you may bail, like his mom did. (or however it happened. IDK. But she did bail on the kids.) He doesn't expect marriage to be permanent because that's what he experienced growing up. Maybe that's why he got talking about having a kid . . . thinking it would tie you closer to him. His relationship with his folks is what got him to be the way he is, so he needs less of that. Kids can turn out pretty amazingly well with even just one good relationship to one parent. So there was probably something amiss from both of his folks, and all the videos on the Net aren't going to fix that. If you see a video that he might be inspired by, show him . . . but never mind coaching his folks on how they can improve, unless they right out ask for your advice, and not even then. (I, personally, thought the video made a lot of assertions that it didn't really prove. It was long on emotion, short on teaching. Quite frankly, I can think of worse things to say to a boy, like: "You're a jerk.") Your husband does need to "man-up" on some fronts, and there will be times when you will have to tell him just that. Like, "No, you can't throw your wife out of the house. That's not what men do. And, no, you can't have all the family assets in your name. That's not what men do."

Let me give you another heads up. Never judge conversations that you, yourself, did not personally hear. Give your husband supportive feedback, if he relates someone saying something unsupportive toward him . . . but don't assume that the conversation went exactly like he's telling it. Just like how everyone is mean to him at work. I'm not saying he lies, but - like all of us - he hears through a filter . . . and fits it into a narrative that justifies him. We all do it. And he has a penchant for throwing pity-parties for himself. When he tells you that his folks were unsupportive, then say, "Well, Honey, maybe they're not the best ones to confide these things in. Of course, you need and deserve support and that's why you have me. That's what a wife is for, besides the cooking and the sock folding." (kidding) He's actually resisting bonding fully with you. Sounds like he's still more bonded to dad. That's why I say he needs less time alone with dad.

Maybe you and he could have Dad over for dinner. Of have Mom and her second husband over for dinner. His relationship with his parents should be more of a social thing now and less of an intimate thing that is proper to small child and folks. She wasn't a great mom then and she's not going to be now. He needs help accepting that. Marriage is where adults satisfy their yearning for closeness and acceptance. Parents picking you up when you hit bottom is more something that folks do for kids. Adult husbands and wives pick each other up. Maybe the folks are good for a loan in an emergency, and there ought to not be too many of those. Even if his parents could give him now what they didn't give him way back when, it's not going to fix the wounds from way back when. You can't fix the past. His job is to grow now, hopefully, through a good marriage to a good wife. That's where he is now. His relationship with you is what is really important.

Maybe they'll delete this. I'm not pushing religion. This is one of the wisest sayings ever, and that's why it's been around for thousands of years:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." His childhood was what it was, and now it's over. Now he's yours.

Excellent wise post Rose. Even if you take religion out, it is only common sense that couples work on their relationship and marriages without calling moms and dads to the rescue. That would never ever work. Not only it would further damage the marriage it would forever damage relationship with in laws. And It isn't spouses role to improve in-laws parenting skills or their character.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

"Any kind of information like that from a DIL usually only causes problems & doesn't help....creates an adversarial relationship that usually progresses from bad to worse." quote Eskie

In your situation, your inlaws were not approachable and you did not have the reason your ex was failing you.

In my own situation, my inlaws were approachable, and were understanding when I explained to them that my husband was a binge alcoholic. When my husband got help and stopped drinking and went to AA meetings, my inlaws supported that and did not put him down. Some people are receptive and capable of learning how to be more supportive and some people are not.

It "is" important that Seeyalater understand how a mother leaving can create some very deep wounds and how that may come out in unhealthy ways. For example, my father's mother left and it did impact my father to where he was very controlling over my mother, needed to have her "right there" as much as he could and he struggled to give her the kind of healthy affection she deserved. Oddly enough, my mother cooking the meals was very important to my father too. My mother grew to hate it, plus he tended to criticize her cooking too. Now that I think back, it was a lot deeper than just how well she cooked the meals for him. My mother had the task "all her life" of making up for the abandonment issues my father's mother had created in him. Anything my mother did that was for "her own freedom" my father did not like and was negative about too. It is very strange how my mother had to be "there" to cook his meals, she was emotionally punished whenever she was not there to do that too. My mother always had to leave my father notes whenever she left of exactly where she was going and exactly what time she would be home too. If my mother ran late, she was emotionally punished.

My mother was not "loved" in a healthy way at all. Oh, yes, my father paid the bills and took "care" of her that way, but, when it came right down to giving her things "she" wanted, that was not there. When my mother had back surgery and could not cook, she realized that she could finally "escape" that long time "prison". My mother did give up mentally, and she developed dementia and what was very hard for me is that with me she is "there", but with my father and older sister, she is "not there", she is not there because she doesn't not want to EVER go back to being controlled the way she had been all her life. To my father, he sees that as her "abandoning" him, and he would literally drag her out of bed and bruise her arms. Now my father has to do all the cooking, and he does like to cook, however, when I talk to him he utters, "well, you know, I have to do all the cooking now", and it is now "reverse" of him being in that "role" that my mother had so hated for so many years.

Well, you can take advice and drag him out and get him socializing, but that is just not going to "fix" the deep damage that he is challenged with. You can never fill that void, my mother NEVER did either. It will be "all your fault" too that you cannot seem to fill that void. Your husband reached out to his mother, and she emotionally abandoned him yet again, "that is your fault" right? It is not your fault, however, your husband deep down really has a hurt, a true fear of abandonment when it comes to "his mother, and you", and his father is only replying to that by "suck it up and man up".

A deep rooted dysfunction like that can present some big challenges to the children. It definitely did that in my family.

I happened to see a documentary on Stephen Speilburg. He did have challenges growing up where he was put down for being "the Jewish" boy in the neighborhood he grew up in. However, his parents also split up, his mother remained close to him, and he had long blamed his father for the divorce. There was a constant theme in many of his movies of a boy charector growing up with a single mother and the father somehow astranged. He did blame his father for "years", until he found out that it was not his father that was responsible for the divorce, but his mother that was lonely and bored due to the father working a lot to support the family. The mother is the one that had an affair and broke up that marriage, while his father was actually "loyal". He blamed his father for "years and years" until FINALLY he found out the "truth". As I mentioned, many of his movies revolved around "his" hurts that he had been trying to make some kind of peace with "all" his life. After finally understanding the "truth" he made amends with his father because he did finally realize/learn that while his mother stayed devoted to him, his father was missing from his life because of his mother, not the father. He did finally sit with his father and admitted he had blamed his father "unfairly". Luckily, his father was still alive so he could finally do that with him.

It really "is" important to be able to see the whole picture when a challenge like you are having with your husband shows up like this. You cannot spend the rest of your life filling a void that you really cannot fill or fix. Your husband really does need "help" with this challenge, otherwise this will be something that will turn on you and can hurt "you" and the quality of "your" life.

You cannot be "his mother", and it really is not fair to "you" to be punished for something his mother "failed" to do with him and has hurt him on a very deep level like this, so much so that he struggles to verbalize/articulate it, even really understand it himself.

Personally, I am tired of hearing about "needing to grow up" too, because while my father did provide and was an honest man, he NEVER presented a healthy way of treating my mother. My mother was punished for how my father's mother did ABANDON him that hurt him deeply in ways he himself did not understand. It is sad for me to see and NO religious verse is going to CHANGE what my mother had to deal with ALL HER 60+ married years. Not only that but how it affected the children, right down to me, but even the grandchildren, trying to make up for something NONE OF US could make up for.

OE

There is no doubt dysfunctional upbringing effects how people do things, how they conduct their lives and their relationships. I know it effected my choices having dysfunctional father. But really it is not something for my partner to address with my dad. It is something for you to explore in therapy and with your partner or with your own parents.

It Is important for op to understand how her husbands upbringing influenced him but it is not up to her to bring it up with her in laws. Plus every story has two or more sides. Even when my brother and I discuss our childhood we don't always perceive or recall what happened exactly the same. Just because her husband says things it doesn't mean op must run to her in laws or send them links. Some of it could be his perception or even worse: an excuse. She wasn't there.

Sending parenting links is a bit passive aggressive though especially asking third party to do it. Also parenting is cultural thing. In absence of abuse and obvious neglect it is something one needs to sensitive about and not pass judgements.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well, the op has opinions on it, it's up to her to think about it and act or not act. Perhaps even show the link to her husband, maybe he might show it to his father, maybe not. However, I think it is a good link because it does talk about how "suck it up and man up" statements are wrong, even harmful, and how young males tend to believe they "can't" talk about their feelings, hense the title of this thread "Non Speaking Husband".

It took 34 pages of discussion before something "important" was mentioned, his history of being abandoned and now that changes what his actions and what he has said actually means.

I have to say, that no matter how much my mother entertained, did things with other people, had cookouts, went places, "it did not change the root problem my father had or how he treated her that hurt her, and the children, one being myself".