Husband wants me to make more decisions, but this crap always follows!

My husband did a 2 week inpatient rehab stint for alcohol. It did him good as he was able to get a lot out to his counselor. It's been a month and he hasn't had a drink and I don't know if it's because he was just able to quit cold turkey or what, but he hasn't gone to any AA meetings or called his sponsor.

Anyways, at our joint session with the counselor before he was released he told the counselor that he wished I'd make decisions about stuff. The counselor asked what kind of decisions and he says "Everything!" I have to decide what to have for dinner and cook it because she has no input, I have to decide what we're going to do on a Saturday because she never comes up with anything, etc. Well, the reason I never make any decisions or do anything is because he is constantly telling me how to do it better or "fixing" what I do wrong or totally being very unexcited to do what I want to do.

Perfect example was this past weekend. 3 different times in the span of about 6 hours where I tried to take the lead in doing something and was shot down. First I tried to initiate sex with him. I rarely initiate it because I'd say 9 times out of 10 when I do work up the nerve to initiate, he tells me he isn't up to it or has a headache, yet he complains that I never initiate. Sure enough, he tells me he has a headache and leaves me feeling rejected. Then we buy 2 bushes to plant in the yard. Well I certainly can't go out and plant them without his approval. He tells me that one would look good in the rock garden right behind the one big rock and then the other on the corner of the house. So I verify with him that I should plant it right behind the point of the rock. Yup. So I put it in. I then move to the corner of the house and I have the shovel in had to start digging but I figure I should show him where I'm going to dig before I do so because it's probably not right. He is about to start working on the truck and when I call him over he says "just a minute". He gets there and I show him with the shovel where I'm going to dig. He says "Perfect, go for it". About 30 minutes later when it's all done and filled back in with the bush and dirt he says 'Oh honey can you come here a sec?" I go over to the corner where the bush is and he goes "This is kind of far from the house. I thought you were going to put it closer. I say "I showed you exactly where I was going to dig and you said it was fine!" So I dig that up and dig another hole. Then he takes a look at the other one I put in the ground in the rock garden and goes "I hate to ask you this, but can you move the other one too? I thought you were going to put it more in the center". You TOLD me to put it there! This is why I never do anything or make decisions because you are never happy with it! Sure, I could make dinner, but you'd come in and tell me how wrong I was doing it and have to take over. He complains that he has to do all this stuff around the house but it's because I can't do anything "right". He can be working on the truck, cooking dinner, fixing his computer all at the same time and then complain that I could be doing SOMETHING to help out so I'll start mowing the yard and then he'll come out and get all uppity that I'm not doing that right and take that on too.

I came home with a new birdfeeder and showed him and he was very unenthusiastic about it and goes "It's okay, but I would have paid more for a more sturdy one". Of course you would have. I can't even buy a birdfeeder correctly!! He makes me second guess every single thing I do. Yet when he was in rehab for 2 weeks and I was on my own, I did a lot of things around the house and didn't have to second guess myself or wonder if I was doing them right!

Oh and this is great! I come home last night to find him taking yet another one of his famous days off without pay and he had apparently spent the afternoon going to the greenhouse and buying about 20 different plants and a small tree and planting them in the yard without a word to me that he was going to do this. Oh he had mentioned what he'd like to do a few days earlier but never told me he was going to go and buy all these things without telling me or even me being there with him and then I'm supposed to come home and LOVE that he took a day off without pay, which he will probably continue this entire week because he can't stop at just one day off, and did all of this without saying anything to me. He can do all of this without a word to me yet I can't put a single plant in the backyard without him running out and saying "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? I had plans to put something else there. Why don't you put that in the rock garden?" Then I put it in the rock garden and he comes out a few minutes later and goes "Well I didn't mean right there, why don't you center it more?" Then he orders a pizza online last night without a word to me that he was getting this for us and not a word to me as to what I might want on it and then comes outside and tells me that he just ordered pizza. Then I go online to check my email and see I got a automatic reply from the restaurant with the order and apparently it is on MY debit card! Whether he put it on there intentionally or not I don't know because both our cards are in the system. But wouldn't that be great? I'm not telling you I'm ordering a pizza but I'm going to put it on your card! Then we watch a show On Demand that is a half hour. After that's over I start up another of the same half hour shows and he goes "What are you doing?! I have to leave in a few minutes to go pick up the pizza." I say that we can watch a few minutes of the show before you leave. He goes "No! I just told you I have to leave in a few minutes!". I switch off the tv, throw the remote on the table, throw my hands up in the air and go "My bad"! and walk away.

Oh, here's me making another decision to watch a few minutes of a show and you get pissed off that I want to do that. Can't take the initiative to plant things without you going off on me, can't initiate watching a show without you going off on me, can't initiate sex without you saying you aren't in the mood but yet you get so upset that I don't make ANY decisions in our relationship! Why should I even try if you are going to tell me they are always wrong?!

So WHY does he complain about me not making in decisions in our relationship when he is clearly too controlling to let me make any??? He makes me feel like an absolutely bumbling idiot!

It's like he has done a total 180 in his personality in the past few days. I mean he didn't go into work for 3 weeks without pay before he put himself into rehab for 2 weeks and he got away with it. The usual lies to his boss about how he's having back issues and such and uses the old FMLA as an excuse. Why they even believe him anymore is beyond me. Then he of course didn't work the 2 weeks he was in rehab. I reiterated again and again at group sessions during this time how I was so angry about him not working and he knew it. Promised me and the counselors that he would immediately return to work once he was out. Well it took him a week to go back to work when he was out. He kept telling me he's get to the parking lot and then just couldn't make himself go in. Then he did start going in and went for 2 weeks straight and even worked overtime a few nights and actually went in and worked a Saturday. I just can't wrap my head around how he complains how he hates his job and the environment and won't go in for weeks at a time and then all of a sudden not only goes in on a regular basis, but decides to work overtime when he doesn't have to.

Now as of last Friday he hasn't gone into work. Three days off without pay and I'm sure it will continue the entire week. I don't know how he can get away with this anymore because he had to tell his boss he was going into rehab and he didn't say that until after he had been out for 3 weeks with his fake illness. I thought 'He certainly can't get away with a bunch of days off anymore now that they know why he doesn't come in" but apparently not. He gives me no explanation as to why and almost acts as if he's entitled to these days off and feels no need to tell me why. He gets mad at me because I barely talk to him when I get home because I'm so angry by what he's doing and he acts all indignant and tells me "You're just a ball of fun tonight aren't you?!" like he can't possibly understand why I'm upset. His attitude has reverted back to his old self. When he came back from rehab he was so sweet and nice and not an ounce of sarcasm or snideness when I'd ask, what I thought, was a stupid question. He made me feel like an equal and felt like he respected me. As of this past Saturday, he has made me feel like an idiot who can't do anything right, as you saw by my previous post. Last night I started fast forwarding through commercials on something we were watching. Keep in mind that he was sitting right next to me with a cat on his lap and was making no effort to get up. He goes "Why are you doing that? You always do that when I'm getting up to go do something and then I miss half the show. Just let the commercials play." Sorry for not reading your mind that you were about to get up in 30 seconds! Because I guarantee you if I had paused it and waited for him he'd yell from the kitchen "You don't have to pause it. I can hear it fine from in here" as he has done many times. I threw the remote on the couch in anger and he goes "Oh fine I see how it is. You can go and make your own dinner then. See if I care". Once again it's ALL my fault. WHY is it my fault?? He doesn't see any reason for me to be getting mad. Let's see, I don't think I EVER asked you to make me dinner in the first place because you were in the process of making it before I got home. Plus, you aren't even supposed to be here because you should be at work! Trust me, I don't need you to make me dinner EVER because I managed to get by before I ever met you but he makes a huge deal about how we just won't ever eat unless he cooks something. He's such a martyr for having to do EVERYTHING around the house! Well I'll be damned if I'm going to cook up something only to have you tell me how "wrong" I'm doing it! He is making me question every single thing I do or don't do. Am I supposed to help him or will he get mad that I'm in his way? I have no idea because he doesn't tell me and then gets mad either way.

I hate coming home to a house where I feel like I am going to get berated for stupid stuff that nobody else would bat an eye at. Why has he had this sudden a-hole shift back to making me feel like I just don't seem to matter?

Wow, talk about crazy-making behavior! I'ld have a hard time not slugging this guy. Your patience and self-control are amazing.

To some extent this has become a compulsive habit with him. Going to be real tough to break, but start with basic behavior modifying tactics. When he shows a poor sense of priorities, like taking the day off to work in the yard, give him no positive reinforcement. When he asks you to admire what he does in the yard on a day like that, tell him that his priorities are out of whack and that you'ld be more impressed if he got himself to work when he is supposed to be there. Then pay zero attention to what he got done, no matter how nice it looks.

When he wants you to redo something you have done, simply refuse. Talk about it as little as possible. He will want to engage you with all his second guessing, but try to just not be verbally engaged with him. Leave the conversation. If he wants the plant re-planted, then he will have to do it himself.

A more severe measure is for you to insist that what you did will not be redone. If you cook something and he complains it's not what he wanted, then simply say that he has the option of not eating it. Do not go and cook him an alternative. To influence his behavior, you start by controlling the only thing you really can control - your behavior. If you change your behavior, then you change the whole interaction between the two of you. He is wanting to pull strings on you, as if you were a puppet. Refuse to be manipulated. Make it a point of never re-doing anything at his behest. Stay firm and consistent, and it will have some effect. Refuse to listen to the complaints about how wrong the way you did it was. Getting upset and telling him that you were just doing what he wanted, allows him to stay in the mindset of interacting with you in this obnoxious way. Terminate the interaction. Change the subject . . . go into a different room . . . busy yourself with something else . . . but completely withdraw your mental and physical energy from the item that he wants to rethink.

This is tough, and he will have this tendency all his life. But don't restrict yourself from doing things out of fear of his response. Make his response less important. He thinks that whether the world goes on spinning depends on him being satisfied with how things are. It doesn't. Show that you are unconcerned with him being completely satisfied. Show that you can live with him being unsatisfied. He needs to learn to live with it too, which is genuinely hard for him.

Like when he tells you to replant the plant, tell him, "No. I like it right there. I know you don't, but in time you'll get used to it." Then walk away. If he does then actually move the plant, don't make an issue of it. Ignore that he did this.

My problem with trying to stand up to him is that he just gets so angry and that makes me miserable and I just cower. I have no backbone and never have. I'm sure he thinks it's fine he took the day off of work because he worked hard in the yard and I should appreciate that. I was looking forward to watching the Kentucky Derby on Saturday but he was so pissed off about me not telling him about the bad brakes on the truck that his anger just got worse as we got home from running errands that I didn't want to even turn on the tv because that would probably upset him, so I missed it. Yet a few hours later he calms down and tells me that he should have kept a closer eye on it and it's his fault. I've wanted to go to the gym after work the past few days but I'm so angry about him not going to work and afraid he'll probably pitch a fit because I'm late getting home that I just go home and be miserable. He keeps saying that he has so many hobbies and I have none. Well I have none because I'm sure you'd make fun of them and plus, I'm usually so damn angry at you for not going to work or spending money you don't have on stupid stuff that I can't focus on anything anyways! I'd like to get a mosaic tile kit and start doing those or get a starter kit on fused glass or even take a class on those but he'd probably tell me how silly it is to do that. I basically just shut down when he's like this and don't do anything I like because all I want to do is make sure he's not mad at me. I can't break away from it.

Do you think he's got NPD or what?

And the thing is, there's no explanation from him why he's home and he doesn't let me know ahead of time that he's home. When he wasn't going in to work right after getting out of rehab, at least he'd send me a text or call me and leave a message saying not to be angry when I get home because he'll be there. However now he seems to be like "Whatever. Let her be angry...I don't have to justify myself"!

I wouldn't diagnose him but he is for sure impossible to please. You are a saint. I have a very very difficult father and mother with no backbone. It did me and my brother no good. Do you have kids?

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We don't have any kids together, but he has a 17 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. They had a knock down drag out fight last July and she hasn't spoken to him since. She hated to come visit because nearly every weekend would end up with her being pissed at him because he kept correcting her..even if she was playing a video game he would come in and tell her she should do it a different way! She got so fed up with his attitude that she let him have it and hasn't returned. She's got much more of a backbone than I do.

She is probably better off. Having such father effected my relationship choices. Ok, I apologize if it is overstepping with drastic suggestions but did you consider leaving him?

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No I am too much invested in the relationship. 11 years together, 5 years married, just bought a house. Too stressful to think about leaving him. Plus as weird as it sounds, I'd feel bad leaving him. He has no money and no savings, barely goes to his job and would be in very dire straits. He thinks we just have the absolute best relationship ever and credits me with turning his life around.

I wrote a long response but unfortunately crashed in the middle and dont' remember all I said but IMHO, your husband is a controlling jerk and gets off on ordering you around. In a nutshell you have a few options, get out, which you have made clear isn't one you would want. Stand up for yourself and assert your own independece, stop being pushed around by him and learn to say no. Lastly but obviously not the choice I suggest would be Just let it go... and magically think he'll come around and/or change one day.

Although even before she responded to your post I knew this was not something she wanted, I admit this was one of the first things that came to mind for me.

I respect your decision. I suggest that you two go to family therapy so he can learn better ways? He doesn't sound like a bad guy just someone who doesn't know how to do things

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But I know I'm not alone in thinking how I do because his daughter thinks he's the same way and she was not afraid to yell and curse at him in their blow up. Meanwhile while this whole blow up was going on, I had gone into the bathroom and shut the door because I was so shook up by it and didn't know what to do. Of course he comes in and says to me "So this is how you are going to react when she's acting this way?" She even said to him "You are SUCH a narcissist". He laughed in her face and said "Oh really? You don't even know what you are talking about!" I'm thinking "Wow, she nailed that on the head." That plus the fact that he can't seem to get along with a majority of the people he works with or for and always blames them for the problems says a lot. Other times when he gets upset that her and I were spending too much time without him (because he was busy playing video games or working on his motorcycle) or he thought we were plotting against him, he'd go off on us and would just leave the house and get in the car and go somewhere for 30 minutes and come back without a word. He just gets so damn volatile over things which is why I can't stand up to him. Half the time I just stutter out a response and it sounds ridiculous and meek and he just yells over me.

First of all, it makes absolutely no difference whether he's got NPD or what. I don't believe in doing amateur psychology. I know narcissist is the buzz word of 2015, and everyone who is very hurt and frustrated at someone wants to be able to put that label on their tormentor. As if that is the ultimate payback. It's not. The ultimate payback is to emancipate yourself.

Secondly, it is not true that you have no backbone. You think you are minimizing stress in your life by walking on eggshells, but that is turning out to be an even more stressful way for you to live. But it is what you are used to doing. Human beings have a huge tendency to stick with what they are used to. They think the world will be so disrupted by change that it won't go on. Your husband thinks that the entire universe is out of whack, if he is not satisfied. You think that the world will stop turning on its axis, if your husband is mad at you. You are both wrong. Him being dissatisfied is not the end of the world. You having an angry husband is not the end of the world either.

You are creating a monster. I'll bet this behavior of his is worst with you. You're the first person he's found who will indulge it. (Though you get your revenge by shutting down, which also makes him angry.) His last wife wouldn't indulge him and his daughter won't. (She may be a little chip off the old block.) But you are the first person to act according to the principle that he must be kept satisfied no matter what. I'll bet some of his drinking gets triggered by him being in a bad mood, so maybe part of your fear is fear of undermining his sobriety. Well, that kind of sobriety isn't going to last long no matter what you do or don't do.

Get the mosaic tile kit and spend time with it. Yes, he'll think it's silly, but so what? You can break away from this pattern. The choice is yours. Right now you are not succeeding in your goal of making sure he is not mad at you. So your approach is not working, even by your own standard. He's still mad no matter what. And he is getting worse.

You will not die when he disapproves of you. You are not that fragile. He will not die when he doesn't get his way. He will live through that. What you say about feeling sorry for him is very revealing. You truly don't think that he can handle the stress of ever getting any opposition from you. Like his head will explode. It won't. You are making him weaker. That is not love. Do the loving thing, and show him that the neither the world, nor his head, will explode when he is not given in to. You'll also learn that your world doesn't explode either.

Faith is the most important thing in life. Have faith in your husband's ability to grow. He can, if he is resisted with love. Have faith that your love can help him get over this hump that he needs to get over. It's a huge hump, but the two of you can both do it. Someone needs to be the first to believe that that is possible. That someone is you. He needs you to believe this for him. This is how you take your love to the next level.

Or don't and then feel welcome to come on here and rant. But some little tiny voice inside of you is saying, "Surely, there is another way." There is!

So does every human being who has much to do with this man. Of course, you're not alone. But getting affirmation that you are not alone will do nothing to help the situation. But, if that's all you want, then: okay you're right that there is something very profoundly wrong with your husband . . . call it what you will. Yes he's got a personality disorder.

Notice that he and the daughter have been doing this tango for a very long time and, yet, they are still interacting. He hasn't killed the daughter yet. But they are getting nowhere because there is not the essential ingredient of LOVE.

No, he's not going back to AA. He's not going to learn any principles they teach. But you can go to Al-Anon. You can learn principles that will much better guide your behavior. Then he will have to adjust to that. And he will. If he were totally incapable of adjusting, he'ld be in prison by now.

It doesn't help that my mom gave me several silent treatments growing up and never telling me why. They'd come on for no reason, stick around 2 or 3 days and then boom...everything was fine again. My dad had died and my sister had moved away so it was just us living in a very quiet house. During these periods I couldn't concentrate on anything, eat, sleep...all I wanted was for her to be happy and talking to me again. I felt horrible and felt like she was going to hate me forever over something that I had no idea about. She is the reason I am so sensitive to people's feelings and always feel like I'm the problem or I'm the reason someone is mad.

You were a child then. A child is totally dependent on its parent. You thought your world would fall apart, if mother stayed mad at you. It more or less could have. A child has little power.

Now you are not a child. Asserting yourself is not only your right; it is your responsibility. You will always be sensitive to people's feelings. That can be an asset, used the right way. Often our biggest strength and our biggest weakness come intertwined with each other. We have to find how to separate them. That is hard to do. Live is meant to be hard.

I'll say it again: Life is meant to be hard. You could get a wheelchair and use it to get from room to room in your house. It might seem to give your legs a rest and feel good on a day when you have sore legs. But, eventually, you would lose all the muscle strength in your legs by doing that. And - in the end - pushing yourself around in a wheelchair is not easier than using your legs. The ways we try to escape the normal work of life actually make our lives hard. So life is going to be hard no matter what you do. But there is healthy hard and unhealthy hard.

Without some resistance to push against, we end up with no muscle. There is a man who is going into space for one year where he will have no gravity to make it hard to move around. That will feel kind of relaxing to him. When this astronaut returns to earth, strong men will be standing near the door of his space capsule ready to catch him when he comes through the door. When he does, he will have a hard time standing up . . . maybe not even be able to. He will be weak from not having to work against gravity for a whole year. You see, we need life to be hard, in order to have strength, or we turn to jelly.

Start small, and be your own person on some little small issue - like getting the mosaic kit. You'll gain mental muscle just from making that move and sticking with it. Then you add something else . . . not too big, just something. That's how you gain back the mental muscle that you have lost by being passive.

Some people don't bother saving a few dollars every week because it seems too little to matter. Then, one day, they look back and realize how much of a nest egg they could have had by just saving that little bit every week. Don't be discouraged that you cannot make big dramatic changes. Make little ones. They add up.

Or don't. It's up to you. Of course there are reasons for why you are the way you are. I knew that as soon as I read your first post here. There are reasons why your husband is the way he is. Instead of trying to decide if he meets the criteria for a certain label - like narcissism, take an interest in the story of his life. Let yourself wonder about the dynamics behind how he got that way. Wisdom comes from understanding people. Maybe he had too much responsibility when he was a child and had to make sure everything was okay. Maybe one of his parents role modeled this kind of controlling behavior. Maybe one of his parents was very controlling of him, so he rebelled. There is a story behind his personality (and, yes, it is a disordered personality,) but that is something that you are in a better position to explore than most doctors and therapists . . . because you know him.

Well if he isn't doing what he needs to be going then you yourself can go to therapy or and Al-anon. Take care of yourself.

Also I go understand 11 years and so on. But unless you are 90 years old you have more life to enjoy. I am not saying you must leave but your life back! Have hobbies and do stuff! Let him be angry or not, it shouldn't ruin your life

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No, actually I lived at home until I was 27 and she acted this way with me until then. I felt like crap even then when I could have been married with kids of my own, but she didn't want me to move out or get a life.

So here's another bombshell he drops on me last night. As I told you, he hasn't been to work since last Thursday. I come home last night and he decides to finally tell me what's going on. He says his boss said he was going to put him on FMLA leave the week before he went into treatment but sends him a text shortly after he gets into treatment saying "I haven't received a form from you yet. When will you get that to me?". He doesn't have his phone at treatment and it's with me so I see the message and relay that message to him. He doesn't see it as a big deal and says he'll call him the next day from treatment. Well apparently he never called him. The boss's boss says he never got anything and he's not going to approve it even though it's apparently somehow the other guy's fault for not clarifying it with H. His boss told him to just get a doctor's note saying why he was out and that will take care of it, but that's basically going and bribing a doctor to write you a note saying you were in treatment before he even was in treatment. H talked to the union rep and such and they basically said it's in his hands to take care of. Since this is his 3rd CAM (Corrective Action Measure) in a year he can either quit, get fired or admit he has a problem and go BACK into treatment and complete the full 21 days and go to the outpatient treatment for 2 months. His only other option is to send a letter to some union person describing his dilemma and hope they just cancel that CAM due to no fault of his own.

All his jumping through hoops and getting away with this BS was eventually going to catch up with him and it has. If he has to go back into treatment, it will not be good. First off, I don't even know if insurance will pay for another stint in there since it hasn't even been a month since he's been out. Plus they will only pay for 14 days anyways. We have to pay out of pocket for him to go through the exact thing he just went through. I am going out of town for a week at the end of May which means if he's in treatment, there won't be anyone here to take care of the cats and the yard for a week which means we'll have to pay a neighbor to do it. More money to pay. I booked myself on an early flight after asking him several times if he'd be able to drive me to the airport because it's too early to take a bus there. He assured me it wouldn't be a problem. If he's not here then I will have to drive down and park there for a week which will cost me over $100. We have friends coming from another country to visit us in early June. If he is in treatment he won't be here for them. He hasn't been to work for a week and I'm sure he won't go back again until he either does his treatment stint or quits which means another month at least with no income from him and me having to pay everything once again.

He just downplays it as "It's just one more thing we'll have to get through". I'm so tired of all the crap he brings on us and it is ALL him! He has high credit card debt due to poor spending habits. He has a collection agency garnishing his paycheck every month due to some bill he never paid 15 years ago and now they say he owes them over $10,000. He convinced me to sign a loan so he could get a motorcycle he just HAD to have but had bad credit and promised me he'd make every payment. Now who's making the $350 payment every month? Me! I constantly have to drain my bank account to cover his *** because he can't pay for his share of anything due to never working but yet doesn't hesitate to put $300 on his credit card for a motorcycle part.The constant drama with his daughter and her mother and the daughter didn't want to see him but he was going to fight and get a parenting plan because he has to one up them and I gave him thousands of dollars for a lawyer so he could do that and a fat lot of good that did. We still only saw her maybe once a month and then last year they had a knock down drag out fight at the top of their lungs that someone called the police to our house. After that she left and we haven't seen her since. The drama at work and not going to work and now the potential of being fired or just him saying "screw it" and quitting. He brings this all on himself. He even admits that he knew he was getting a 2nd CAM last year when he didn't show up for work one day because he was upset about a friend dying but he didn't care. If he hadn't have done that we wouldn't be in this situation now because he'd only have 2 and not 3 CAMs.

I ask myself all the time why do I put up with this crap?

Your initial question was why your husband said he wanted you to make more decisions and then he corrects you--or something of that nature.

I read through your posts. I believe you provided the answer in how you grew up with a parent you (at least periodically) could not please--and now you've married someone similar.

If it helps, I give you permission to start pleasing yourself. You've been able to do this since you were 18 but it is often difficult to realize this, especially if a parent hasn't helped us to recognize our own empowerment.

Your husband has some significant problems and I didn't see where you mention him having a diagnosis other than alcoholism--yet it seems to me more is going on. You can suggest he get a proper diagnosis and treatment plan, but you're not going to be able to force him. So here is what I suggest.

I know you don't want to divorce. But start separating your finances now. If he wants to buy $300 motorcycle parts it will have to be from money he has earned. Don't take out any more loans for him; don't co-sign for him; and don't have any credit cards in common.

Tell him that doing things his way is not working and that from now on you are going to live your life like the reasonable, hardworking person you are. Don't argue with him and I wouldn't respond to any of his childish complaints other than to tell him "I'm not going to argue about this" and/or "I am doing what is right for me".

Reduce the areas where he can create problems. Either make your own dinner--in which case you can make enough for two; or bring dinner home when you come home from work--enough for two. But don't listen to anymore rants or complaints or threats revolving around food, and don't cater to any unreasonable tastes.

Stay out of the daughter situation and unless you are legally bound, don't put another dime towards any of the problems he has regarding her. She was right to tell him off.

You'd be well-advised to go to Al-Anon meetings.

You're probably thinking, oh, none of this will change him. I agree. But you can change things for you--you deserve a happy life. Do what you want to give yourself a happy life.

I have been in a similar situation. I wish you the best

Our finances have been separated from day 1! I'm just too nice to say no when he wants me to get him a loan and he promises me the moon that he'll make EVERY payment. That he wants me to buy him motorcycle parts because he needs it for his motorcycle race and he'll pay me back next paycheck, which never happens because there usually isn't enough in his paycheck to pay me back or he realizes that he needs to pay off other debts he has. Our credit cards are separate. I have one which I rarely use and, if I do, I pay it off immediately. He used to have no credit cards up until about 2 years ago and then he got one. Then he got another one through Amazon because he got $100 off his order if he signed up for one. He is about $2000 in debt on each of those cards AND he opened up a Pay Pal line of credit but has that down to only about $200 debt. I just hate the fact that we can never get ahead because of this. We can't go on vacation because we don't have money for it and he doesn't show up at work enough to get a decent amount of days off because vacation is based on how many hours you've worked the past year. I really want us to go to Europe because I work for a travel company and we can take one tour a year for free except for airfare and him paying $100/day. Still we're looking at around $3500 to do that. He has told me the past 2 years "Oh next year we'll be able to go to Europe no problem". Yet every year he manages to get us deeper in to debt and then he says 'Well next year for sure we'll go". Guess what? It's next year and there's no way we're going to be able to go. He talks about all these home improvement projects we're going to do--rip up the carpets and put down nice hardwood which costs about $3000, put in new cabinets and floors in the kitchen, build a deck, build a pond in the backyard with koi in it. Where in god's name does he think ANY of this money is going to come from??!!! Is he just going to put it all on his credit card? How is he going to pay it off if he isn't going to have a job anymore??

I think when you decide to make your own decisions and/or initiate things you have to be behind yourself and less interested or intimidated by him? If you ask his opinion and he says, "planting it there is fine, go for it" then you go ahead and plant it there and if he then changes his mind, that's all him, has nothing to do with you! If he doesn't like it where you have decided to put it, he can move it :-)

You are allowed to want what you want! You are also, though, 100% responsible for getting what you want (as he/each person is). If you don't like a messy kitchen with overflowing trash you can ask your husband to take out the trash but if he doesn't want to/isn't on the same schedule you are, you are the one it is bothering, you can take it out! Everyone has different wants and needs but we cannot tell another person what they want or need.

Your husband wants you to initiate things more so you get to decide if that is what you want to do. Sounds like you do not have good success with initiating sex so maybe you don't do that. If he complains, you say, "Hey, I tried initiating sex last Tuesday; Saturday two weeks ago; and April 23rd and you were not interested any of those times; three strikes and you're out buddy. You intiate when you want it and we'll see if that works better; it's too much work for me."

Be sure of what you want for yourself. You cannot know/be/please someone else, that's their job. Yes you can want to know and please a spouse and decide to surprise them or fix their favorite food, etc. but they are in charge of their response and if it is not something you get anything out of (their enjoyment -- if they complain instead) then you don't bother with that again.

Fix a meal you want to eat. If he doesn't want to eat it or doesn't like how it is cooked, etc. he is perfectly free to make whatever he wants. When he complains, just keep telling him you enjoyed "it" and it was what you wanted. He cannot argue with what you want and your going after what you want, it's 100% yours. My husband enjoys my cooking for him and even if a meal is not successful (doesn't taste good :-) he thanks me for making it! I am not the food, I am my effort. If he does not like the food, that is his problem. I know my husband does not like broccoli :-) so I don't cook broccoli. But if someone were to criticize my effort (to get what I wanted to get) I'd just look at them like they're crazy since it does not have anything to do with them, is what I wanted and I went for it and enjoyed the experience!

Would you be able to support yourself, if you had to. Part of your dependence on your mother and, now, your husband, could be that you are dependent on someone else for a roof over your head. That can be a realistic fear. Have you ever worked?

Oh I pretty much support myself now. I have savings (had a lot more before I met him) and I have worked since I was 18. I stayed with my mom until I was 27, not for money or a roof over my head, but because she didn't want me to leave. I wanted to move out with a friend the year after I graduated college but my mom found every reason for me not to move out saying "Oh I thought you wanted your own apartment?" and " I don't know if you'd get along with her". Just anything to get me not to move and if I did I'd get the silent treatment.

Right now I'd say every month I pay 90% of all the bills because he can't help out.