My girlfriend has a boyfriend - three-way relationship help

I am lost. I have known this woman for over two years. I am going through a separation. She is widowed. While we were friends she started dating an old friend of mine. The relationship is bad, but she wants to see it through. Meanwhile while trying to help her with that relationship - we fell in love. We cannot seem to stay apart. We have tried. We are not having any physical relations, but I love her with all my heart. She knows. She has tried to push me away, but keeps coming back because we are so close and our lives are so intertwined. I am lost. I want to win her. She is not happy, and admits it, but won't leave him no matter what he does. Help me survive this!

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So last night she "broke up" with him - for the 5th time. This time it looked bad. She doesn't drink, yet had some 5 drinks. Got so drunk she couldn't stand up. I was on the phone with her the whole time trying to talk her down. She called the boyfriend on her cell and screamed at him for a serious relationship breech. ...and I also found out that they had gotten engaged. She wanted him to hate her. To leave her - because she couldn't leave him and hates him. She wanted to die. I rushed over when I realized she had gone too far, and between me and her son we nursed her. I stayed with her all night. This morning after sobering up and a sleepless night she called him and they have just about made up. She told me she doesn't care about him and loves me ... yet morning comes and here we go again. She says I saved her life. ..and now she is back in her own personal hell again. I love her so much - I can't live without her ... seems she has the same issue with the other guy. We can't stay apart, yet can't be together. Now it's my turn to want to die. I'm getting tired of crying.

Perhaps you can give an ultimatum. It's either you or him. It's not fair to have to be strung along while she is dating her boyfriend off and on. I know she is going through a hard time but it's causing you stress so she needs to make a decision.

How long have you two been in love, how long have you yourself been separated, how long has she been seeing the other guy, and and how long ago was she widowed?

Thanks!

Widowed 7 years. Attraction was instant - since 2013 - been in love for a year (she says much longer). I have been "living separate (and celibate)" for about 10 years (clause in separation agreement kept us under one roof due to children - but that is expiring next year). She has known him for 14 months.
She claims love at first sight with him - but still fell in love with me ... It is easier for her to be seen with him because of closer age ... However we are far closer intellectually, spiritually, musically - and the list goes on (she actually made one). We are constantly being "kept together" by "the forces that be" (see religion or other beliefs). We have not been successful in staying away from each other for long - despite ourselves. At first I stayed "distant" (read: lots of texting and once a week "non-date") out of respect for my friend - then as I increasingly lost respect for him (won't go into details) it became easier to be together.
We cannot stay apart - and when we do - we are "slammed" back together by sudden and unusual circumstances, and this has actually been happening since October 2014.
Now she is with him for 3 days, and the rest of the time we socialize, text, visit, call etc. and that would be fine if we weren't also deeply in love.We admit a book written about us would never sell, because nobody would believe it!
The other day she burst into sobbing {in public) - saying that she loves me so much that she hopes that I will find someone else to love as much as I love her- but saying she'd never get over it.
It's a bit of "cake and eat it too" situation, I realize, but but we are so good together that the world just "clicks" ... and today HE says he wants to move in ... my world may yet fall apart. (Sorry I think I went on a bit .... )

Easier said than done. She knows that its not fair. She is in pain as well. It's worse than that though - they are now engaged - so I'm the idiot here! (closer in age, immediate availability, social acceptance etc. etc. all very logical)
Neither of us can find a reasonable (non-extreme) permanent solution. See answer below to "Bill3" for more details.

And the beat goes on, and on. We can't stay away from each other. We have to see each other at every opportunity. And its such a two way street. Oh God I love her so much. On one recent day out she said to me "this is just so not fair to you" ... we do so enjoy being with each other ... My reply was simply "If I am to be deprived of you for the rest of my life; then these few hours together are a blessing from God, and I thank Him!" I love her so much. Today she asked - "what are you going to do when I get married ... " She stimulates me intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically. Truly what will I have to live for if their engagement lasts through to marriage. What? How can I live each day after - hoping that he'll leave her or kick the bucket!? That is no way to live. She just dropped me off at work ... Oh God I miss her.

She's choosing the other guy over you. So while she says she loves you.... she obviously, in actuality, loves him more. There is NOTHING holding her in that relationship - they don't have kids. It's a choice, that she is making, and has made repeatedly.

What the two of you are doing is wrong - it isn't fair to her fiance, even if he's a jerk. It isn't fair to you either, because you're being strung along and actually making statements about how you aren't sure how to go on in life without her.

It sounds like she is using you for emotional gratification, and her fiance for more physical intimacy. That's so not fair to either of you men.

Have you noticed that in your posts, you're using a lot of words that place all the responsibility on something that isn't you or her? "can't" and "being kept together" "being slammed back together" "have to"....

All of those? That's finding excuses to alleviate any guilt over the fact that you're having an affair with her... and it's pushing the responsibility of making decisions away. Which is a total lie - you BOTH make decisions and choose to do what you do. Those are active decisions that you make - it's not some outside force. It's all you. You choose not to leave. You choose to be at her beck and call. You choose to not respect your friend. She chooses to take advantage of you. She chooses to take advantage of the other guy. She chooses to remain with him.

Those are active choices, you see. Both of you need to own those choices, because that will make it easier to decide what to do about it, because you each have more choices to make.

All completely irrelevant, as true love does not care about any of these!

You might think shes wonderful, but shes a cheater.. and being a cheater is wrong and no amount of justifying is going to make it right or fair to all parties. I feel really bad for her fiancee, he deserves better .. and so do you.

So this woman is in a relationship with someone else and cheats on him with you. So not cool. If she loved you as much as she says she would be with you not the other guy. You can call it some mysterious connection or what not but in reality this woman just cheats on her fiancée. Nothing keeps her with him. She chooses it. Trust me she isn't deeply in love with you or she would be with you, not him.

You both are making some bad choices.
The only permanent solution is to make better choices in women. Find the one that chooses you and is faithful to you.

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I agree an ultimatum cuz she is stringin you along and it isnt faur cuz it brings you to a restless place no one wants to be. It sucks but i do wish ypu strength

Well said i agree

Yes, we still have choices to make. I'm still counting on her making the right one. We are always in tune with each other - she is always at odds with him. I agree that consciously or unconsciously she makes decisions that involve me. I consider it a blessing to spend time with her. I want to be there for her - always. Am I being used? Likely! Do I care - nope! Am I happy? Only when I'm with her.

That sounds very much like love.

As far as cheating - as many point out - since they got engaged we have stopped kissing and holding hands (for the most part). We still spend endless hours together. She "never" says that she loves me anymore - avoids it because she is "trying" to be faithful and dedicated. Unfortunately he is {not a jerk, but} not committed to her - not interested in making her part of his family, avoiding contact between her and his grown children, making family time separate from her time, telling her things like "you borrowed my (whatever) - i'd like it back" ... She probably isn't in love with him so much as she is obsessed with making "IT" work ... prove everybody wrong ...as I said at some point - he is closer to her age - more acceptable socially and in the community (where we are both very active and prominent). I look much younger than I am - (as does she, but) she is 8 years older than me. She also doesn't want to be viewed as another link in his long chain (of women) ... it's a mess. (If I seem less desperate and dying today it is because we have spent many many hours together this week - and she did "accidentally(?)" slip an "I love you" out yesterday ...) Gimme a couple of days ... I'll be Dazed and confused again!

They are engaged.

All of what you're saying about him? She doesn't care about it. Or she would have said no, and broken up with him. By getting engaged, he is including her into his family. By getting engaged, he is demonstrating a desire for commitment. She doesn't care about being in his line of women - or she would have said no and left.

She is using you for emotional gratification. If it's real love.... she wouldn't stay with someone else when there is NOTHING holding her there - and she only just recently furthered her connection with him by getting engaged.

Have you really thought about WHY she is "obsessed with making IT work" when she has someone else already who loves her? Why would she spend her time trying to make it work with him... if she didn't love him more than she loves you? It makes ZERO sense and you're unfortunately blinded to that, because you do love her.

Honestly... you deserve so much better. There are many women out there who would love you and NOT string you along like this just for the emotional gratification.

I would certainly suggest therapy for you. There must be a reason you don't feel you deserve better. It is concerning that you consider a blessing that a woman who is engaged to someone else loves someone else and has sex with someone else spends some time with you. Most people wouldn't be satisfied with such miserable arrangement

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Not blind (wish I wuz) ... I'm committed to her - hopefully more than she is committed to him ... does that make sense? I wait patiently for her to "see the light". It's not carved in stone yet.
Also, if she didn't care about being in his long chain of women, then they would have a good relationship, and I would have probably "bugged out" a long time ago. I do want her to be happy - she isn't when she is with him ... It upsets her very much - and all the bad stuff (there is more) came to light after more than 6 months together. She realized that he was hiding stuff from her - and lying. They haven't been engaged very long, but she waited "with baited breath" to hear him ask. She has admitted that she is in love with someone who isn't there - she fell in love with an image - which it turns out he is far from (I'm partially at fault, because I told her that he was a descent guy, oops).
I appreciate all the comments and observations - now - take into account that she has been widowed and without a man for 7 years - then the two of us showed up at almost the same time (I was there as a friend first too). Each with his particular problems and particular benefits.
He is free - I've got a year to wait for full freedom! She can freely socialize with him - Me - not so much, yet we "date" more than they do. We listen to music, read poetry and blubber to it! We get soaked in the rain and laugh. Her dogs and cats love me, sit all over me, snuggle with me ... they tolerate him from a distance. Finally to put perspective on it ... her children are over 30. So we ain't spring chickens anymore! ...she just texted ... going to meet for a coffee and a bite after work. I love her so much (BTW my kids are very fond of her too!)

Look, you love her, so you are going to see things through a specific lense that is most likely to give you hope.

Waiting patiently for her? She JUST GOT engaged. She JUST chose him over you. That is a pretty dang clear signla that she is more commited to him than she wants to be with you. Because again - there is NOTHING holding her to him. She could have said no. She said yes.

No relationship is perfect, so the issues she is having? Sure, they're real and legit. But she continues to CHOOSE HIM and not you. You are being used because you give her the undivided attention, devotion, and emotional gratification that she wants. She's cheating on him, with you, for that purpose. Like almost all cheaters - she loves the person she is in a relationship with, and wants to stay with them.

This relationship she's been in with him, you said has been going on for what, a year? She's known him for 14 months, and been "in love" with you for a year? So... two months after she MET him, she realized she loves you. Yet she didn't end her relationship with him. She continued it, for a whole year... and is now engaged.

I really don't understand how you can't see that. The entire time, she has chosen him over you. Every day. Every single day she chooses him over you.

You're separated from your past wife. Why aren't you free to date and live how you want?

You're making soooo many excuses for her. If she's cheating on him with you.... even if she DID break up with him... she'll just do the same to you the moment she feels she wants something you aren't offering her. That's usually how it goes.

It sounds like OP is going to wait for her to see the light and change her mind. If that happens he will be there to rescue and pick up the pieces. But what if it doesn't happen?

Ouch I missed that part about op not being divorced. That's why you can't openly date? The whole story is kind of a mess

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You survive it by setting boundaries.

You: "Hey bae, you know I have feelings for you and you have feelings for me. And you claim to be miserable in your relationship with this guy. So, dump him and move on to me. You have 2 days."
Girl: "But... but... it's so hard to make this decision."
You: "Two days."

There's a reason she's seeing it through with this guy and not going for you. Either she's not as miserable as she says she is with this guy (people complain for attention and validation) or she sees him as a better relationship prospect than you. Either way, you give an ultimatum (for rhetorical purposes) and move on. Have some self-respect and put your dignity above everything else. You're going to ruin your confidence being stuck in this sort of thing. Just my two cents- been there, done that, learned the lesson and grew stronger.

Sure sounds like the right thing to do. Then I stop and say - "but I can't live without her." We have broken off this "non-relationship" too many times - both her - and I! It fails every time - and we're back together.
Ultimatum - I'm not strong enough. Sure there are plenty of fish. But our joining came so easily and so naturally I cannot NOT be a friend ...and you know where that ends up leading to.
I know every time one "falls in love" it's "Oh, so different from any other" ... technically it is true, though - because each human being has their own particular qualities and quirks - so every "love" is different. I have compared current feelings with past loves - and find that it most closely compares to my longest term girlfriend relationship in my 20s (not a "teenage crush" - not "oh time to get married" - not "an obsession") but such perfect closeness, so "in-tune" with each other - why would I want to let it go without continuing to try - until the very last moment, and maybe even beyond. I'm over the big 50 - I ain't gonna get many more of these!