Sick of being valued the least

Your answers always seem to state that globally you are judged. Thing is if you are in groups where people don't accept you, regardless of the reason: social skills, attractiveness, weight, race ... or anything else, the quick answer to this, is to find different people, accepting people that don't care about whatever it is that seems to be judged in you.

If you find that no matter where you go, that you seem to have trouble with people, the common denominator is you. If no matter what types of groups you find, you end up in the same situation then the only thing that can change is you. Sitting around worrying and being upset about how you're not accepted is just going to spiral you out of control and not be productive. If you keep beating your head against the wall because you're doing the same things over and over expecting a different response you're only going to succeed in being more frustrated.

Work on your skills, your behaviors, your thinking. It is not up to the world to accept us, it is up to us to find acceptance and our place. This is personal responsibility, no one is obligated to like or accept you.

People do accept me for the most part. I just never feel like I am valued, like I am the one they are really interested in talking to. And my brother always seems to be that guy. It makes me feel completely obsolete. What is the point of my existence if everyone prefers to have him around? If I really can't improve to the point where I match up to him, I need to end the game and tell him he needs to tone it down when we are in the same social scene. It would basically be like breaking up a monopoly.

End what game? It isn't a game. It's only you who thinks it's a game. Your brother is not going to tone down anything. Don't be ridiculous. Are you going to tell every man who you feel outshines you to tone it down? You gotta let this go, Shadix. Get to a therapist. Nothing anyone says on here matters to you.

That's really ridiculous to tell your brother to stop being social because you aren't. You can't seriously believe it even makes any sense at all! Your brothers behavior or social skills have nothing to do with you (unless he abuses you).

What do you mean by everyone preferring your brother. Does everyone even know him? You aren't even the same age. Why don't you have your own friends and circle? Many of my friends barely even know my brother (maybe meet at big events but not to hang out). Find a different circle of people.

I would not expect him to stop being social or even stop being himself. I am talking mainly about the way he acts with girls. I have read "pick up artist" guides, which basically give advice on how to behave in order to be desirable to women. The way he acts is makes me wonder if he has been reading that stuff. Seriously it is like he is trying to seduce every girl he meets. Would it really be too much to ask that he doesn't do that every time we are together? He should let at least some girls like somebody other than him. I don't see this request as being unfair. It is like antitrust laws which prevent monopolies.

Of course this is all technically hypothetical. We actually do not hang out in the same social groups for the most part. But over the past year I paid attention to his behavior when we have and I realized he is not just like any other more talkative outgoing person, he has something special. I am hoping I can just match up to him without him toning it down or anything. I am hoping that his social charisma doesn't actually matter as much as I have been led to believe. As a male charisma doesn't actually have that big of an effect on a female's attractiveness. I much prefer a girl who is my type physically and is nice(not cold, not feisty, etc.). But it seems to be different for females.

Some people have more universal charisma and some people have charisma which speaks to certain people. The Actor Jason Ritter is a prime example of someone I believe to have exceptional charisma. He seems shy but not anxious, sweet, charming, down to earth and with a quiet confidence. He's also very handsome in my eyes. But not everyone will think so. Some would argue Brad Pitt is much more charismatic and I would not agree. We all see things differently and have different tastes. Some people WILL be more universally charismatic but most people simply aren't. We appeal to a certain percentage of the population and that is it. Some people have looks that appeal to 90% of the population while others have looks which appeal to 5% of the population. The odds are less in our favor if we are part of the 5% and not the 90% but there are so many people in this world that are chances are still high that we will meet that person who we at suited for. The more people we meet, the better our odds of finding them. Do work in your confidence and get out there talking and meeting people. Good luck

Shadix, this is really easy...STOP hanging with you're brother.

This constant need to compare yourself to him or anyone IS beyond flawed and harmful.

All your statistics?? Come on ! Your always typing the hell out of them and they are not true !

Again ... You need a Therapist to help you realize your just not seeing you're situation as it really is.

You're brother hitting on women??? Good for him!

You seem like a nice guy, you seem hell bent on arguing with people on a Internet forum , you never care much for advice given.

Maybe you just want a place to vent ? If so that's fine just let it be know you are venting and not really wanting advice.

T H E R A P I S T

I still don't understand what do you care how he talks to the girls? Even if he is trying to seduce them all, it shouldn't concern you unless he is trying to seduce your girlfriend. Girls like who they like. It's not like he is forcing them to like him.

Are you trying to date the same girl?

I honestly fail to see any logic in your dilemma. I understand your concern about lack of social skills yet instead of making an attempt to improve you focus on your brother. I don't even understand this discussion about girls looks.

I think you need to stop obsessively comparing yourself with your brother, and focus on yourself instead.

That's it for your desires in a girl, your type and nice? Have you had/have girlfriends? What is your physical type?

In all the animal kingdom, males always try to impress females (except in cases where males get pregnant and give birth like the sea horses, where the roles are reversed). Females don't have to be funny or confident for most males, for example. But males are preferred to be funny and confident by most females. So, yes, I understand the OP's point of view in this particular point (I disagree with him regarding his attitude about his brother, though). Males have a lot more pressure than females when it comes to dating. Once dating has started, I guess things will be more equal between the two parties, but before that males face more pressure to impress females and get into a relationship.

And here I thought it was all my good qualities in addition to my average appearance that made me attractive.

Personally I don't consider being funny and confident "good" qualities in females (I consider them nice to have qualities, but they are not necessary). Being nice, considerate, genuine, compassionate and honest, on the other hand, are good qualities, to me. We humans unfortunately, judge by first impression. There is something called the halo effect, where we judge everything in a person just from the first impression. For males, being funny and confident dominates the first impression females have about males, which isn't fair in my opinion, but it's the way it is if no conscious decision is made to overcome these default modes of thinking, which I would argue most people aren't aware of in the first place.

As a women I am well aware of our ability to jump to conclusions about one another. I go through great strides to keep an open mind about all people. But some people do just rub me the wrong way pretty quickly. I usually give them a chance or two but my instincts are usually right. I've heard it said that sometimes we don't like people because they are so different, but sometimes we clash with people who are too much like us.

My husband and I started a relationship online (through a dating site) we started by writing each other, then video chat. Then dates. He's not the kind of person I would have usually met and fell for on first impression. I'm so lucky we got to know each other so well through writing. It was like coming home when we met. Very emotional.

Peacocks show off to the females by flashing their pretty feathers (only the males have pretty feathers and use them to attract mates). We humans use whatever we got. Charisma, looks and the list goes on and on through a myriad of different superficial things. Try finding someone who is not superficial? Feels like a Needle in a haystack sometimes but it's doable.

No, there lots of other things that factor in. It is really complex actually and there is no real formula. Charisma maybe sometimes makes a girl more appealing I suppose. However, physical attractiveness and agreeableness seem to be much bigger factors for me.

I have never had a girlfriend before.

My physical type? I can't say I have a specific type aince I find myself attracted to lots of different looks. I can't really describe it, some girls just have it and some girls don't.

Hey, I think girls should feel blessed that we value looks as much as we do. We all like different looks so your chances of finding a guy who is attracted to you is pretty good. When girls obsess over charisma, on the other hand, it means that the same douche will get all the girls since charisma is not subjective.

Not every girl cares about charisma and not every guy doesn't. Most people on both sides are attracted to people with Charisma which is why some actors get paid the big bucks. There was a director of human services at my old job. Good looking....very preppy and IV league looking. What most people would consider to be charming and charismatic. Most of the women would fawn over him and he would chat about Big Brother and other reality TV shows the girls were watching. I didn't find him charming.....he seemed like a weezle to me and I didn't trust him as far as I could toss a semi truck. What is charisma to some is sleezy to others. Some people like cute, shy humble guys with self-esteem and brother issues. Your ship will come in and you will be happy because it will be the right type of girl for YOU and you will be the right type for her.

Omg. Stop saying such sexist s*** and painting all women with the same brush!! For months and months you keep coming back to such sexist black and white statements! Ffs you ignore all the women on here who give you actual examples of how youre wrong and only listen to other people who confirm your stereotyped beliefs!!

Seriously if all you want to do is vent and rant about how horribly wronged you are because women aren't falling over you in their attempts to get you.... Go find some sexist website that will confirm all your misguided beliefs.

I am sorry for being blunt, but you come across extremely shallow. I'd say even high school boys look at things beyond looks and girl being agreeable. This is middle school stuff.

I wonder if the issue is shallowness not your lack of charisma. You don't seem to value any human qualities besides looks and agreeableness in women and wit and charisma in men. There is more to life. Print your threads on here and make a therapy appointment please.

Many people here are telling you to get therapy. I agree and see many red flags which point in the direction of a mental health issue. I won't say which one you seem to belong to because I'm not a doctor but if you tell them what you've told us here I think they might be able to help. I don't think anything we could say will be adequate for you. If you just want to vent, that's okay too but this is not the kind of problem that venting tends to lessen. Good luck.

Reread my post:

"No, there lots of other things that factor in. It is really complex actually and there is no real formula. Charisma maybe sometimes makes a girl more appealing I suppose. However, physical attractiveness and agreeableness seem to be much bigger factors for me."

I made it pretty clear it is not just looks and agreeableness and there are other factors as well. It is more so a chemistry thing, it is there with some girls and not there with others. But yes physical attractiveness and agreeableness are pretty important. I do not want to be with a girl I am not physically attracted to and I do not want to be with a girl who is mean. I don't think that is shallow, I think it is pretty reasonable.

Stop trying turn this into something it is not. This is not about sexism. Any further posts on this topic I will not respond to. Stay on topic or don't post.

I know this may sound off topic but you did discuss it yourself so I'm asking for confirmation. You mentioned you might be autistic. My son has autism and can see things very differently as a result. Have you been diagnosed as autistic? If I read your posts with that in mind it does make a different kind of sense.

^^^^ Obviously your flawed thinking is the reason you have NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND.

I'm not even sure Therapy would help you to be honest.

You do not value anyone... female or male.

I have never come across someone like you.
I am no doctor of course but maybe you struggle with a very strong personality disorder.

Good luck

You do not even know me, so you don't get to say you have "come across" me.

Thanks for the insulting statement though.

So you can insult all women and human beings over and over and that's ok??? But my pointing out what you said in your post is insulting?

I have never come across anyone like you.

I'm bowing out of this mess.

Good luck