Mates - Emotionally Unavailable

How does every one that has a mate or spouse that is emotionally unavailable to you more than not - handle it?

..... they usually only give (or can only give) when they are needing / wanting.

..... and not a mate that is being mean or vindictive for they are mad, but rather a mate (for what ever reason) just is not able to give emotionally.

Guess No Ones Knows.......................... and I Guess I am Doomed -

Oh no, I definitely know what you mean. I have someone like that.

How do YOU cope / deal with it?

You know I guess I ask this for while I love my husband and he has provided well for his family the last 24 years - I am just at my whist end on the "I NEED / WANT a MAN that can GIVE to ME" - give more unto me, the person that is supposed to be number one in his heart and thoughts.

... is it that WRONG to want a MAN that can give to ME emotionally?

... I can't take feeling more alone than when I am in his presence, for that is a dark and lonely place to be.

My confession

I hate that I have been thinking about leaving him, or worse, having an affair in order to get my emotional needs meet..... I feel like a heel that has no other way to go (and) yet the truth is that I cannot leave him to seek another, for I cannot support my self financially.

****************************

I am LOST

I'm not in the same exact boat because it's not a real relationship thing, but I don't handle it well at all. It makes me talk to him more and more about it until he gets to the point where he gets so annoyed with me and it was worse than the first place.

I'm really sorry about your situation. I would say an affair is not exactly the best way to go about it because it can leave a devistating mark on so many people. I don't know about the divorce option because I don't know the details of your life around it. Maybe if you feel that's the way to go, you could stay with a friend or a family member and et a job until you can support yourself all on your own or something.

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asylumgardens said:
Maybe if you feel that's the way to go, you could stay with a friend or a family member and get a job
until you can support yourself all on your own or something.

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Wish I could.................... but I cannot support myself for I cannot work due to my mental health issues and my RA.

..... that's why I have no way out.

And like I said - I do love him - I just can't handle the loneliness any more (or) don't wont to handle it any more, for it hurts and I have been hurting for to long.

..... I deserve to be loved and to feel the emotions that comes along with love between a man & a woman.

my hubby and I don't sit and talk. we don't cuddle or anything like that anymore and yes at times it is very difficult to handle. normally he sits in his office and me in the living room. we never have deep talks or much intimacy. although we do have sex it is just that in my opinion so I feel ya hon. lean on us here.

Thanks Bebop - and btw your life sounds a lot like mine.... except for the two or three days a month that hubby does need me emtionally and of course I give in for I am so needy by then - I hate my self for giving in, I wish I could say "hey, not until you can give to me" - but I can't for I am emotionally starving.

....

HEY!!! - I just thought of some thing........

I am doing much better mentally, for just two years ago (before I came here) I would have been dealing with suicidal feelings with problems like this one, but now I am just depressed - that's a step in the right direction.

... I am healing - it might be slow - but I am healing with PC.

What I really want is to be loved and to have some one in my life / heart that does not make me cry or leave me feeling empty - I really do not want a divorce, separation or and an affair - I want my husband to be able to give that to me and yet he holds back due to his own inner emotional fears.

I wonder how my husband would react if I informed him this weekend that I was going to live with one of my older sisters for a month or two while I think things thru (and) to give him time to see how life would actually be with out me in it - for he has never known that fact to be true in 24 years.

Hey. Maybe he doesn't really know how to be more emotionally supportive to you. Sometimes guys have trouble with that. I was reading something the other day about how often guys kind of rely on women for the emotional expression side of things...

It might be the case (I guess it is likely the case)... That he feels similarly. Usually... Lack of emotional intimacy is something that BOTH partners feel if one feels it. It might just be that he doesn't know how to broach it / how to talk about it.

Could you tell him that you wished you felt emotionally closer to him? It might be... That he is also willing to work on this.

I guess it might be that... There are little activities that you guys could organise to do together. Some together time. Sometimes... Women feel more connected with talking, but sometimes guys feel more connected with doing. Going for a nice walk or maybe having a nice dinner out together... Planning for some special time together. I think that stuff like this is an ongoing thing that you have to work at...

I hope you are holding up alright. Hang in there.

Rhapsody, I'm so sorry you have so much loneliness in your marriage. ((((hugs))))

Do you know your husband is emotionally unavailable because he "just is" or is he doing it deliberately to hurt you? Emotional withholding is a form of abuse. I know, because I am in a marriage like that. My husband does it deliberately to harm me. It hurts. I am getting out. I'm not saying that is your situation, but just consider that question, "is he doing it to hurt you?" I hope the answer is no.

Have you spoken to your husband about your dissatisfaction? If he wishes to improve the relationship, you and he could go to couples counseling. If both of you have a sincere desire to become better partners to each other, and if you get a great therapist, you could make some real gains.

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What I really want is to be loved and to have some one in my life / heart that does not make me cry or leave me feeling empty - I really do not want a divorce, separation or and an affair - I want my husband to be able to give that to me and yet he holds back due to his own inner emotional fears.

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(((hugs))) That really tore at my heartstrings. Have you told your husband that this is what you are longing for? Could it be he doesn't know?

Even if he doesn't want to go to counseling at this time, you could also benefit by going on your own and getting help on this issue.

Take care,
sunny

let me just say before i say something that could probably (and just might) put my foot in my mouth i didnt read the whole thing...

i just noticed sunrise saying that if he is doing it deliberately that its abuse..i totally agree....if he isnt doing it on purpose this is where my original thoughts come in....
im sure you heard of the book Men are from Mars Women are from venus...i love it...i think it hits alot of key points...especailly in communication...and if you havent read it...go get it...it should be cheap and has great advice...men have a totally different way of communicating...and in my opinion...really no way at all...while we women can sit down and engage in long deep conversations i try to engage a deep convo with my bf and he looks at me like ok...your telling me this for a reason ..whats the point...and then he goes around in circles trying to figure out how to handle it ...when all i want to do is talk...try to figure out and differeniate between your husband being emotionally abusive ...and being...a man...no offense to guys...they just have a totally different way of doing things...i actually heard this story one time and it makes soooo much sense to me ...well does to me anyway...

there was this husband and wife...and in events the husband never really cried to his wife...she saw him tear up....but nothing..heart wrentching...and she was the one always crying...and one day the woman said...please ...let me have a husband that is sensitive and caring....one that isnt afraid to show emotion....well she woke up...and as she went down into the kitchen she realized she got her wish....he was sitting there....sobbing his eyes out...she was so gut wrentched that she went over to him and asked what was wrong....and hugged him and he told her he killed a beatle in his dreams and it was terrible...days went on...and every day he wanted to talk and cry and be with her ...and one day she recieved bad news about a cousin in another state...and she was crying....and she needed her husband...her strong husband to take her in his arms and just hold her...she went to him...and all he could do was cry and she had to hold him...and she realized...i want my husband back...i need him...i cant handle this....i need someone to be strong for me and hold me...

so see...men have their own ways ...maybe not having deep conversations...but they have their own ways of supporting us and keeping us together...and thats why there is more than one woman...because its the women you talk to for advice...lol we understand....we have good communication...sometimes lol...but then again i dont know your situation...it oculd be a totally abusive one....or one that he just doesnt find talking all that...thrilling lol unless its baseball or football and stuff...good luck and sorry if i am way off the line....like i said i didnt read the whole thing.
inny

No he is not doing it on purpose..... as I stated before it comes from his own inner fears of being close to any one he care about / loves.

And - YES, I have talked to him about it (he is not clueless here) - we have been married for 21 years and after the first 5 to 7 years together the closeness just seemed to go down hill (lacking if he was not in the mood for giving) - I guess it started up after he really allowed himself to care and to be able to feel his love for me, then he ran away from me and my emotionally needs.

I know that he is emotionally unavailable NOW!! - but honestly I did not know this in the beginning of our two year courtship or when we married back in 1986 - guess I was blind and mistook sexual passion the first 5 years or so of our marriage as him needing / giving to me..... for we where seldom apart from each other and we had sex all the time - Wild and Passionate.
.... I felt loved and wanted then.

I know guys are different than females - but I also know that we can work on changing that which we must, but first we have to be willing to over come the fear that keeps us in bondage - a bondage that keeps us safe from love of the heart, therefore, we have a false sense of security and of not being hurt.... that which I have never done to him.

I would be in heaven in this relationship - IF only HE could / would give to Me emotionally as I give to HIM...... *big sigh*

Rhapsody, first, I am so glad to hear you say he is not being abusive (doing it on purpose).

Second, what about counseling/therapy? That would be someplace where he could work on "over come the fear that keeps us in bondage - a bondage that keeps us safe from love "? That just sounds like such a major hurdle to overcome that a professional's guidance would be valuable.

Rhap!
If he's not clueless, that is good! I married a man who was "clueless" from the start, and I naively thought it would get better...It didn't, though I stayed for 20 years. I think there is hope for you, but i have no real suggestions, other than knowing how you feel.
Patty

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sunrise said:
Second, what about counseling/therapy?
That just sounds like such a major hurdle to overcome that a professional's guidance would be valuable.

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Yes....... I agree and while I have spent 8 long and emotionally hard years in counseling, hubby only spent three months for him self and may be 6 months total (off & on) for me and him.

He would probably go back to counseling if I started it for myself and then he came in on it - but from history its self I do not think this will work unless hubby gets help for his own issues first...... for we have been there done that kind of thing already.

All HOPE..... really seems to be lost here.

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seeker1950 said:
Rhap!
If he's not clueless, that is good! I married a man who was "clueless" from the start, and I naively thought it would get better...

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Well..... what can I say - but mine was clueless too until I started to teach him and we went to counseling & couples get away thru the church, and lots and lots of books.

I personally think that some guys might just act cluless, when they are not, so they can get out of giving to the one they are to love.

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Rhapsody said:
I personally think that some guys might just act cluless, when they are not, so they can get out of giving to the one they are to love.

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I'm not doubting the truth of what you say, but that whole statement is just so cockeyed! If someone is in love, why would they want to get out of giving to the one they love? It's a paradoxical statement, isn't it?

Rhapsody, I'm sorry the counseling has been unsuccessful in the past. It does sound like individual counseling would be a very important avenue for him to try. If you put your foot down and go to live at your sister's for a while, I wonder if he might go to counseling then? A last ditch effort? But counseling is never that useful unless the person wants to go and is motivated to work.

(((hugs)))

Ok - I have to get this off my chest........

Today hubby took the day off so he could have a four day vacation with Labor Day coming up on Monday, and while he did get up at his regular work time to go out and get us breakfast (it was to die for) - he did not spend any special time with me during the day....... while I was up he slept and while I took a nap with the two kids I was watching for the day he was up - then he watched TV for most of the night until he was ready to play Gears of War with our son around 10 pm.

.... he did spend time with the two kids laughing, playing and smiling with them - but rarely with me.

Now, while I do not mind him spending time with our son (one on one) or playing with the kids which are family members - I do resent that he will not even give me an hour of his time....... which I requested from him on Wednesday night for Thursday night - and while he said OK to my request it is now Friday night and I have yet to receive my hour promised.

When I mentioned the miss hour I was still waiting for - he gave a big sign and said:
Well, I just do not know what you want me to do with you for an hour.

to which I replied.... Well, that just says it all after 24 years together - just forget.

to which he did, forget about it, and then he decided to go to bed.

.......................... Phooie Spit Spit on Him.

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sunrise said:
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Rhapsody said:
I personally think that some guys might just act cluless, when they are not, so they can get out of giving to the one they are to love.

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I'm not doubting the truth of what you say, but that whole statement is just so cockeyed!
If someone is in love, why would they want to get out of giving to the one they love?

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Irrational Inner FEAR ...... that which my husband suffers from, these people want to love but they fear being hurt so much that they now withhold love or run from it, even in a marriage.


I have been thinking about asking my older sister or one of my two brothers if I can come and stay with them for a while and yet I wonder IF i can really do it - I do not wish to make any threats I cannot follow thru with for then they mean nothing to him.

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sunrise said:


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I'm not doubting the truth of what you say, but that whole statement is just so cockeyed! If someone is in love, why would they want to get out of giving to the one they love? It's a paradoxical statement, isn't it?

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Some people are "in love" for themselves. I was married to one! It's all about how you "make them feel".....I've had the same experience that Rhap is having and it is pure hell. You can be in love with a situation and completely detach from the partner, as long as they are fulfilling your needs by being a good spouse. I went through years of therapy to learn all of this.

I understand what Rhap is feeling and unless he really gets a swift kick and wakes up, it won't get better.

I know I'm blunt, but I remember, oh, so well, the feelings of being by yourself when your husband is sitting across the room from you...or lying in the bed next to you.

I understand the feeling too, of being with your husband and being so alone and unloved. I have had a couple of decades of that and it is painful. My husband has been completely detached from me, but I don't think he has been "in love with the situation." I guess the difference for me is my husband doesn't pretend to be in love with me. It sounded like Rhap's guy was in love but the behavior seems to say otherwise. That is what was paradoxical to me about the statement.

fayerody, I guess I don't think someone who is "in love for themselves" is really in love.

I am very sorry for everyone who has emotionally unavailable mates, for whatever reason. It is indeed very, very painful. With my husband, it was very deliberate, a way to hurt me. I have read some good books on emotional and verbal abuse and worked on this in therapy. I understand a lot better now about myself, him, why he does this, and why I stayed so long. Understanding has helped give me the strength to at last let go and move forward toward divorce and getting on with my life.

"fayerody, I guess I don't think someone who is "in love for themselves" is really in love."

that is my point.......xoxox p