Marriage separation after deployment

IF she grew up in a family that never openly & honestly communicated & if she REALLY didn't communicate in your marriage because of your anger & jealousy....it wouldn't surprise me that she is still communicating in the way she has always been used to communicating.

It's difficult to know where she is at right now. But looking back at what really started it....I'm sure her first observations are ALL ABOUT WHAT HAS CHANGED???? It's not an easy place to be in not knowing....but then she really doesn't know if you are willing to make the changes she needs either.....that can only be accomplished through ACTIONS, not flowers or cards or just reassuring words that you will change. Those kind of changes take a long time to realize they are real. Is there something that happened that showed her your "same old self" before she backed off again. Have you thought of asking her if you did something to push her away again?

How about what she did to PUSH ME AWAY FOR ONCE. She just texted me and invited me over again tonight after we had a heated text discussion about her untruthfulness, stuff that my kids told me that she did and will never admit too. I told her that I was at my breaking point and that enough is enough. I have to get my manhood back and. To settle for anything less

It's your choice...

you never had a problem with your manhood until she had enough of the issues you stated caused the marriage issues in thevfirst place (anger & jealousy?).

Like I said before....irreconcilable differences wouldn't be the first time they broke up a marriage.

These untruthfulnesses: the ones that your kids told you about, are they new things she just did and then lied about?

She left her phone unlocked and went to sleep. I seen she posted on websites about friends with benefits and things like that. I'm done. I confronted her about this and it's over

She was posting on that site whisper "I wonder if his wife knows I'm having sex with her husband" and "FWB with my best friend". I am completely done now knowing she had sex with this other guy. Thank you all for following me on my journey. Best thing to do is focus on the future and start the divorce process. She begged me and told me she wants to live with me forever. I don't think I could ever go back bow

((((DadFMF))))

Hmmm, friends with benefits. It looks like your wife was lonely for a long time and she has decided to explore companionship and discover herself and doesn't want to be committed to anyone. That's what is involved in this friends with benefits life. It's a way of defining how one wants to relate with others without looking for a commitment or being committed or having to answer to anyone.
Also, it's a quest of "I want to learn to feel good about myself without having to depend on someone else to define that for me". In a way what she has said to you by her actions in bits and pieces here and there is that she doesn't want to go back to living a life that she was living where she lived around the needs and demands of others.

I agree with eskie in that your wife never learned how to communicate, it probably wasn't something she was exposed to growing up where she saw healthy communication taking place with her parents.

You want a committed relationship where your partner is monogamous so you can plan a future together. Well, it really looks like your wife doesn't want to do that with you. She would rather be friends with benefits and have an agreement where she can be free to be with whomever she wants and do what she wants without having to get permission from anyone. And her saying how the housing you get would be good for you and the children, but not for her is just another way of saying she doesn't want to be a part of "your" plan. And yes, she is probably using you to subsidize her while she explores and experiments.

The ones I am concerned about in this picture are your children. What they see of the communication taking place between you and your wife is confusing them and they don't have the capacity to understand it. Also, as I mentioned, children tend to believe that they are not loved or important enough. They are already experiencing being stuck in the middle where they see that their mother is lying to their father. They are already experiencing "childhood emotional neglect". This doesn't mean that you don't love them, or even where your wife doesn't love them, what it means is what is taking place between you and your wife is confusing them emotionally and they are often alone with that emotional confusion.

I feel for you because I had to deal with some major challenges in my marriage too. My husband was a binge alcoholic, and he also cheated on me and I did not find out about that for about 6 years. My husband was 'SELFISH" and I was lonely and pretty much the "stable" parent to my daughter and I tried very, very, hard to shield her from the dysfunction I was experiencing.

I have tried to listen to your situation and consider "both" of you in this picture. Yet, I am concerned about how your wife is using alcohol and going to bars etc. I can't help but see the potential hazard of engaging in that lifestyle. What I do know first hand is how the alcohol slowly affects a person's judgement and ability to be logical and responsible. I know how the person engaging it gets so they don't care and instead lives in denial. I also know this has become a huge problem in your age group too. A red flag to me is how your wife always drinks when she is with you too. She isn't even recognizing that her two children are seeing this too.

Your wife is refusing to get help because she wants to be in denial, even to herself. I learned that about that problem by living through it with my husband and it's progressive and sneaks in and creates distance and problems, it doesn't EVER fix problems, instead it creates them. What I personally learned about that problem is how it gradually becomes the crutch and sucks someone in to practicing a very selfish life, then when it gets to a point where the person FINALLY admits they have a problem, that becomes a new path where the partner distances into the rooms to learn how to live without that crutch and that too leaves the partner "alone and lonely".

I don't want to paint your wife as a "bad person" because considering what you described of your relationship, I can see she was dutiful for several years, but was also "lonely" in her relationship. I know what that feels like first hand. But I did not choose alcohol to drown my loneliness and hurt. I started my own business and focused on being a good mother. But I was lonely when it came to having a "true" partner.

If your wife doesn't want what you want, then the two of you need to make a decision and work on getting along and making sure your children have their parents and don't have to struggle alone with how this is emotionally challenging them. As far as your wife is concerned, she needs to really look at that path she is taking, how that can become confusing to her two children and how "if" she is drinking and partying around them, how that isn't fair to them and the consequences that come from them being exposed to that are not good for them and the one thing that's so important about that is we NEVER get a chance for a redo when it comes to our children.

I can't blame you for being deeply hurt when you read that.

Dad, I lived through that with my husband where he professed his love for me and would stop drinking and he literally begged and professed his love for me and how I am the only one etc. He would be good for a while until he wasn't and at the time I had not known he had also cheated on me. My therapist described that as part of his binge drinking disease and how he kept me in his cycle and when he was good that is called the honeymoon period. They don't really realize they are doing this either, it's part of the disease and it's very hard on the partner.

If your wife really loves you as she is professing then she needs to get help and come to the realization that she has a problem.

For myself, I finally had a friend explain to me how to pay attention to signs there is a problem with alcohol. I went to an alanon meeting and it scared me tbh. I put my foot down and said to my husband that I was unhappy and could no longer live this way. That was when he went to his first AA meeting and recognized he "did" have a problem. I stayed in my marriage, but statistically, the partner stays for about three years until they see their partner stable and then gets a divorce. After about six years when I finally found out my husband also cheated on me I went to see a marriage counselor and the marriage counselor told me that my husband had the maturity level of about age 13 and that he would be pushing my buttons to mother him. At that time my daughter was about the same age and I had to mother her, and learn how to not give into my husband pushing my buttons to mother him. It was hard and LONELY for me.

Your situation is different in that your wife never really got a chance to mature either. This is showing in how poorly she is communicating with you and how she wants to be on her own which is something she missed in her life where she was genuinely on her own and worked on developing her independence. However, it's important that you honestly look at what took place in your relationship and your part that contributed to the marriage falling apart. Yes, I see that you have been considering that.

Your wife just said to you that she loves you and wants to spend her life with you? Well, her behavior is not saying that and what she needs to do now is admit she has a problem and get help because the road she is going down is not going to help her, and will instead not only hurt her, but her children. What she just admitted in what you read in that whisper site is that her actions are going to damage two marriages. Not only that but this so called best friends she is doing this with is also being SELFISH when it comes to his marriage.

I kind of knew all along something wasn't right because she never acted like this before in the 10 years we were together. To physically cheat is personal. Well she can have that now. I just need to get the best lawyer I can get and move forward

Cheating has a lot to do with "self" and is often chosen as a "fix" to one's own emotional challenges rather than actually working through the challenge and confusing deep emotional battle. It's also not unusual for alcohol to also play a role in pushing away emotions rather than working through them.

Actually, when someone begins the journey to stop using alcohol and working on dealing with their issues through AA one of the strong suggestions is "no" relationships for at least a year so the person doesn't avoid getting to their own issues and gaining on a true resolve first.

In my opinion, I think your wife is running away from her own emotional confusion that slowly developed over the past ten years until she reached that breaking point. Affairs, these friends with benefits, and the alcohol is not going to "fix" her problem and can even cause her even more emotional confusion.

She can't "just" commit to you either because she needs to spend time working through her own issues. And her problems and the way she is trying to solve them is now hurting you, and you have reached out for therapy and support and as far as I know you have not been cheating or drinking to escape.

As for you, there are lessons to be learned in this big relationship challenge and the part you contributed to it that only "you" can learn to slowly change so you don't repeat the behavior that contributed to your marriage/relationship problem.

Sometimes, there is just too much damage and the relationship is simply not salvageable, and the ability to trust again evaporates. That is something "you" have to decide. That being said, if you do choose to divorce, you will still have to find a way to be civil with her because you will be forever connected in that you do share your two children together.

I'll be civil. The court will decide the days, and it will be pick up and drop off. Don't have to say nothing too her. It's crappy how the outcome came and I was so enraged that she lied to me. I told her all she had to do was divorce me instead of hurting me like this. I never physically cheated or drank to escape. I can get over texting but another guy putting his thing inside my wife...I can't deal with that. She's unloyal, a liar and I'll never be able to trust her again much less look at her. I just hope she is happy with physically doing that to me. It's painful cause now I see why she needed "Space"...to screw him..

Well, technically she didn't really lie to you because she did admit she had sex with that other guy. The way you wrote about that though it sounded like it was said sarcastically, but now you know because she has talked about it elsewhere. I think part of you knew and part of you was hoping it wasn't true. And she hasn't seemed to express any guilt about it according to what you have shared.

I am sorry (((Dad))) because I do know what that feels like and how much anger it creates too. Truth be told, I never really got over it, it took something from my relationship, the trust took a big hit and the "I love you's" did not hit where it should have after that.

Take care of yourself and keep a distance so you can slowly work through the emotions you are having. I hope you are still working with a therapist because it will benefit you from having the therapist help you work through this. It's important you be strong for your children and you make sure you let them know how much you love them.

I am trying to emtionally detach. I am so devastated right now to the point I'm emotionless. She texted me a few times and asked "Are you done?" Not a "I'm sorry" or nothing...to scope down that low to let another man inside you shows she didn't care at all. I just have to focus on recovery because my first wife did the same thing when I got deployed to Iraq in 2003 during the invasion. I'll never marry again because the trust I have for woman in broken.

(((((((((DadFMF))))))))))

She's not good at communicating with you and I don't recall you mentioning her ever apologizing.

That's how I felt, I hurt so much I went numb. It's going to take you some time to process this and slowly acknowledge your different feelings and then slowly come to a point where you start stepping forward. I have a farm and a lot of lawn probably 4 acres of lawn and I only had a push mower and I walked and walked and walked behind that mower and it helped me burn off a lot of anger and stress. Did not have cell phones then, so no texting either and I honestly did not want to see him or hear from him.

It's much too soon to think about not having any more relationships. There "are" nice women out there that don't cheat. Right now you have to take care of you and allow yourself time to sit with the emotions and grieve. Your only human and it's normal to feel disappointed, sad, angry etc.

But, as you grieve tell yourself, "you are going to be ok, you are going to pick yourself up and carry on".

No she never apologized. She keeps on saying that it never happened and to stop lying. I know what I seen. She is doing this over text cause she would be dumb to admit it cause I could use it against her in court

Dad, if your wife is using alcohol a lot and it's become a problem, part of that problem is lying and denial, not only to others but self. It's part of protecting the way a person hides from their problems instead of actually learning how to work through them. The person who develops this problem doesn't set out to develop the problem, they start drinking as a way to deaden the pain and anxiety and social discomfort as well as providing a way to feel better if depressed.

When you are thinking about how betrayed you feel, how you remember feeling this with your first wife? Well, that is how your wife felt when she caught you texting, her first marriage did not work out either. When a person is very insecure they can begin doing things to try to overcome that deep insecurity and often they can try to decide that marriage is just disappointment and that could have led to this friends with benefits venture along with using alcohol to assist in being less inhibited.

The way you are angered? That she betrayed you with sex? A woman can be just as angry even if there was no sex and "just" showing/providing companionship with someone else. The way you feel where you don't even want to look at her? That's how she felt about you only you were away and she had several months to stew in that anger and loneliness. The way you feel about "I will never marry again", well, that is probably what she felt too, and she began drinking and moved into this idea of "friends with benefits". That is an attempt to figure out how to have companionship without getting hurt and devastated.

Interesting how you both got very triggered and angry and felt deep betrayal when you got a chance to see what was meant as a private text interaction not meant for each other.

You can sit and say "yeah but what she did was worse", yet, if that is so her reaction was an indication of her extreme vulnerablity and how deeply she was affected with what she caught you doing. People who are deeply hurt do try to find a way to navigate forward to avoid "feeling" hurt. This is part of our normal human design as we are all born navigators. However, that doesn't mean the way we choose to navigate to avoid being hurt and vulnerable ends up being the best and healthiest way to actually navigate.

Checking with you to see how you are DadFMF, did you get to spend some time with your children yesterday?

Yes I have my children yesterday. I kind of opened up on text messaging about how I felt about the whole situation. She keeps on saying it never happened, but I seen it with my own eyes but she is denying it. She's acting like she don't even care and actually got mad at me because I was angry about it. Of course I am going to be angry knowing that my wife cheated on me with another man, who wouldn't be angry. It just seem like she doesn't care about our marriage anymore when I thought things were getting back on track I guess they really were and she was just using me to get what she needed or to manipulate me. Now I don't know what to do anymore. I still love her because she's my wife and the mother of my children but it seem like she has emotionally checked out of our marriage. I don't know whether to file for divorce or to try to make one last run at it and to forgive her for everything because I wasn't the best husband. I am so lost, hurt, confused I don't know what to do right now in my life. I was thinking about doing the 180 and not talking to her at all unless they had to do with the children . She says that I'm a very angry person and then I'm scary, which Donely time I'm angry is when I'm confused are in limbo about things and she doesn't give me any answers. I think with the 180, I can focus on healing and worry about myself Instead of being obsessed with fixing my marriage. It's a lot to take in especially when I didn't know what was going on but now I know the truth. I got to figure out if this is something I want to stay in or if I should just let it go. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow to talk about everything

Sorry to hear your still on the merry go round.
Take care, and all the best.

Glad to know you got to be with your children yesterday.

I am also glad to hear you have an appointment with your therapist tomorrow, it's important that you keep that relationship going with your therapist so you can have a place to vent and work on "your" end of this challenge.

If you don't mind my asking, why would your wife be afraid of you? Can you come up with some honest answers about that?

Also, if you don't know what to do, then do nothing until you have a chance to work with your therapist and look at everything in a light where you can be certain about what to do rather than possibly acting out of hurt emotions or anger.

Your right. She was scared cause When I seen that I was angry and lashed out at her. I feel it was a normal emotion, but I could've not said nothing and just walked away. I let my anger get the best of me so everybody thinks I'm angry now and her family just because I said something about it and she continuously lying about it. I talk to her mother and even she said that if you did have an affair, you can still control your actions in Rage.it seem like everybody cared about me lashing out at her but not her cheating on me.

At this time, I think it would be best not to say nothing to her at all unless it's dealing with the children. What do you think? I know in order to work out your marriage you're supposed to communicate, but that doesn't seem to be working and it seems like she's walking all over me because she knows I'm a Plan B. I was thinking about just moving on with my life and not worry about her anymore, so if we don't work out I'm already ahead of the game. I put a lot of effort into trying to make my marriage work as you guys see in this post for the last 56 months but I don't know what else to do except move on and except the fact that my marriage might be over. She still is refusing to go to counseling or to go to church to talk to anyone about our issues. I don't know why she would deny it if she didn't want this marriage

Ok, I think it depends on "how" you lashed out at her.

I can see you have been trying. Yes, you have a right to be angry if your wife cheated on you and is lying to you. If you do rage and yell at her, while that is discharging your anger, it really doesn't accomplish anything but send the other person into hiding and further denial.

This is why therapy is good for you because it will help you vent your anger, but learn new skills to handle situations better instead of blowing up at the other person. I am having this challenge myself with a sister who blows up at me and accuses me of doing things I have not done. Next thing I know "I" am angry and I am still working on learning ways to walk away instead of venting that anger. I struggle with PTSD, so I can struggle in that if provoked enough I can get "very" angry.

I am wondering if you are passive aggressive and need to work more on being assertive, that can be a challenge in the scenario you have been describing when it comes to your wife. If you make mistakes and can step back and see your own mistakes, that's a step in the right direction.

I can fix myself but SHE HAD THE CHOICE NOT TO CHEAT.

What does she propose to do to save the marriage?