[blubbbrabbel]

Hello,
I am new here ans seek help or people who can somehow relate...

I have to mention intimacy at some point. I hope that is ok. I avoid unnecessary details.

Half a year ago I (29) fell in love with a wonderful man (26). I have been in love many times and, prior to this, have been in three committed relationships. But this was the first time in my life that I felt a 100%: This is it! Love is not a fairytale it is real! I still feel that way about my partner. But our relationship is unhealthy and toxic for both of us.

Our main problems are trust issues, insecurities, my sexual past and my lack of communication about it.

I did many mistakes and blame myself for the state we got in. At this point we are both in therapy and take plant based antidepressants.

I was so insecure and still am... not quite believing that such a pure, intelligent, talented person could ever fall for me. This ruined everything. My boyfriend is not christian, but has always been seeking the one. So prior to me, he has been intimate with two women. Now that I met him I desperately wish I could change my past... I treated something special as if it was cheap... Often going with any pace not knowing my own boundaries or limits, seeking comfort and appreciation in sex... Bending myself to the point where I would have a threesome because the man with whom I was seeking a relationship kept talking about polyamourie (a concept that I was interested in only in theory but never wished to put it in practise for myself)...

He found out about my past bit by bit. When I did not answer his questions his fantasy went crazy... But now every little detail I told him is hunting him and us ...
Which is probably why I intuitively did choose to not confide... I was sure about my feelings why scare him away with old stories that don't matter? We fell in love when we were just friends and I thought I had told him enough to have a vague idea about my past... I was so wrong.
When he found out that I had been intimate with ten men, he was deeply disgusted, he still calls me a slut, and requested me to get tested on STD... We had the worst Christmas ever waiting for the last result. We were lucky. And I am still grateful that all results proved negative.

Now... I judge myself and I know trust is hard to regain. But at this point I feel so lost... As if I was guilty of everything. Afraid any step I take, any word I say could be wrong. I feel misunderstood and often blamed for no reason...

He has a list about all my partners. A list for anything bad I ever told him when we were fighting... One day he offers me his key, two hours later wants it back.
He says I ruined his life...
His therapist says people like me never change - unless they have an epiphany of god. And that he will never be able to cope with my past, unless he changes his values. That she only can offer him further therapy to help him realize that leaving me is the only way.

I am sorry this story is so long and I could go on and on. But in the essentials it is always the same. I am terrified to disappoint him and hence feel almost as if bound to do it again. Often not understanding what I was thinking...
We both feel neglected and misunderstood.
I had a burnout two years ago and was struggling to write my thesis all along. I told him that for this reason and due to my mother suffering from cancer I feel week... Now that I finally finished my thesis he is blaming me for keeping him waiting all along, always pushing the dateline further... I feel that I could have finished earlier if I had not been suffering so much in this relationship... Always on the verge of being thrown out of his life. But I would not tell him. I guess he would hear this as an insult and a cheap attempt to put the blame on him.
I feel bad because I come home at least once a week crying... And my parents already have enough to take. But I still want to believe that we can fix this...
This is a wonderful person. When he describes the kind of strong and intimate relationship he wants to have I feel like: Me too! We were both already thinking about marriage and children despite all our struggles and all my faults.

Lately it just getting worse and worse. As if all ny nightmares about my insecurities are coming true. We talk less and less and only if I make the effort... Often its superficial... Because I fear to talk about his emotional state... for which he is blaming me alone. I just don't know how to comfort him, when he is thinking about my past... He said he has told me and won't repeat... But I don't know. I think he just wants to feel loved and not ignored ... But I don't know how. He doesn't want compliments. He wants to feel needed. But I mess it up all the time... Meaning good but making it all worse...

He is refusing to enter my rented room, because one of the man I slept with has been there. But I know he seeks daily meetings. So I have been living at his 1room apartment for two months... And I feel trapped. I put myself under pressure to find a job... to effort to move so that he can cme to my place again...
I feel so trapped and lost.
He won't believe that I have changed that I only want him. I had always struggles to orgasm. He was the first to make me come by oral stimulation. I know that he is comparing himself to ten other men. But that just makes put pressure on myself... It's a circle of pressure and insecurities...

At times I feel he is overreacting. I am sensible myself... But I try to find the compromise. He won't.
Still he is going through a lot.
Is there anyone who has had simular experiences?

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this.

Unfortunately, your partner does not live in the present moment, he lives in the past. He has a lot of self esteem issues. And if these issues did not present themselves in regards to your sexual relations in the past - they would show themselves in different ways.

You can't change any of this. All of this happened before you met your partner. These issues are for your partner to work on.

You have done a lot to meet him halfway - moving into the place for him, finding a job etc. How much is he doing for you? Don't allow him to fall into the "victim" role in this relationship whereby he acts overly needy and you run around the moment he clicks his finger. You will find yourself being emotionally drained.

I think you need boundaries now for discussing past sexual relationships. Allowing him to now continuously bring this up and ask you intimate questions and scrutinise every single detail is not going to do him any good (and he's proved that he can't handle hearing it either).

I found this article - 10 Ways to Deal With Your Partner's Sexual Past:

https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relat...e-you-have-to/

The question which can arise for the man you love is “Am I just another number?”
What will your relationship provide that it hasn’t for the rest of your relationships?

[blubbbrabbel]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this.

Unfortunately, your partner does not live in the present moment, he lives in the past. He has a lot of self esteem issues. And if these issues did not present themselves in regards to your sexual relations in the past - they would show themselves in different ways.

You can't change any of this. All of this happened before you met your partner. These issues are for your partner to work on.

You have done a lot to meet him halfway - moving into the place for him, finding a job etc. How much is he doing for you? Don't allow him to fall into the "victim" role in this relationship whereby he acts overly needy and you run around the moment he clicks his finger. You will find yourself being emotionally drained.

I think you need boundaries now for discussing past sexual relationships. Allowing him to now continuously bring this up and ask you intimate questions and scrutinise every single detail is not going to do him any good (and he's proved that he can't handle hearing it either).]

Thank you so much for your reply and for your thoughts and time! It is interesting that you say he I not living in the present moment. Because he keeps telling me that I hardly ever plan or think about consequences, but instead only live in the present moment.

I did not move in officially. We used to stay together every night from the start. When he fell sick I stayed at his place to look after him. And then he refused to come to my place. Officially I never moved in. I have a few things at his place, half the tome I do groceries, I do my share of clean. Last month I payed my share of the rent (allthough I don't have a key).
I am looking for jobs. But chances are not so good doing something qualified right away and I took my time... About one week voicing different ideas almost every day... I just try to adapt and be flexible...
Thing is he is always expecting the worst of me. Telling me that I am being selfish and anything but empathetic...
And I am so terrified that I keep expecting to be misunderstood... I tried to explain this but I don't know... I keep doing things that scare me. Like applying for job that would fit him perfectly except for it being fulltime, which is not an option for him at the moment. I just wanted to know how I feel about that field... When I should have told him that company was hiring.We are both looking for jobs. But he so far neglected any job I suggested...

This man is controlling. If you continue this relationship you will always feel 'trapped.' He will always throw your past in your face. You will always be put down by him. You will never be 'good enough' in his eyes. He feels he is superior to you. You will never be his equal. Run!

[divine1966]

How did you ruin his life if those partners you had BEFORE you even met this guy?

I don’t get it.

Why does he even need to know how many partners you had and why does he have a list of their names????

And he calls you a slut???

There is no future with this man. I’d be done with him.

In the future when you meet the right person there is no need to provide numbers or names. It’s enough to know that you had partners before. Who needs to know details and why???

[Curry]

I have been wild in my youth. I was so lonely. My first husband judged me. He was nice and easy going and kind for the most part. He didn't tell his family who lived overseas that we got married, he wouldn't discuss future economic plans even though I was in college with him and we got married early so he wouldn't be deported. I now have a relationship where we communicate about making love and we communicate about anything I want to or my partner does. I don't separate my life into compartments, my goal is to think and feel and be present in all parts of my life. I also don't want a partner that is wonderful in only one or two parts of my life. I love having someone who is respectful and gentle when he asks to talk about my business, my life. It is wonderful not to be put down.

Your thread title says it all. If he can't cope with your past, that is HIS problem.

I fail to see what your past has to do with now, you have not cheated on him with anyone. He sounds deeply insecure. I am very sceptical of his therapist's claim that people like you don't change - that does not sound like the kind of thing a therapist would say (therapists know more than anyone we can and do change!) I am wondering if he is making that up to add weight to his own opinion.

Really he sounds deeply insecure about his own worth. Not sure what you can do about that, if he recognises it and wants to change it might be possible to find a way forward but dumping all his insecurities on your past is not going to help.

[tecomsin]

Once a man has called you a slut, and obsessed over your sexual past, he is the one who is not going to change.

You refer to him as being wonderful, but he judges and ridicules you for something that is none of his business. How can he be wonderful to you?

It isn't clear to me why you felt the need to share these things to begin with. Were you looking to be accepted 'warts and all' or for some kind of atonement?

What I find odd is that he is saying these things and yet he still wants a relationship with you? His therapist said that you will never change (well, whatever) but since he believes his therapist why is he still with you? He sounds weird. If the relationship is toxic, how can it be 100%.

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

What I find odd is that he is saying these things and yet he still wants a relationship with you? His therapist said that you will never change (well, whatever) but since he believes his therapist why is he still with you? He sounds weird. If the relationship is toxic, how can it be 100%.

This is mutual, keep that in mind.
The OP is as confused as her boyfriend. And while the relationship has some toxicity, it is still mutual so it may be what’s keeping them together regardless.

[blubbbrabbel]

Thank you all so much for your replies!

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

The question which can arise for the man you love is “Am I just another number?”
What will your relationship provide that it hasn’t for the rest of your relationships?

This is excactly how he feels! He has told me so. I don't know how to give him that security. He believes in actions... not in my words.

Originally Posted by divine1966

How did you ruin his life if those partners you had BEFORE you even met this guy?

I don’t get it.

Why does he even need to know how many partners you had and why does he have a list of their names????

And he calls you a slut???

There is no future with this man. I’d be done with him.

In the future when you meet the right person there is no need to provide numbers or names. It’s enough to know that you had partners before. Who needs to know details and why???

That list of his was a strategy to try to take those facts of his mind on paper. And I guess, a way to look for plot holes... to catch me lying or confusing facts... He felt betrayed because I did not tell him about my past and because I did not get tested before we got intimate.
He says that he has completly lost trust in humanity. Because the one person that should be closest and hold you dearest betrayed him. I did not risk his health on purpose. But as a matter of fact I did. But out of stupidity. He won't forget this easily.
And I can't blame him for that. I was so naive and careless. In the beginning of our relationship when I had an appointement at my gyn. Some of the things he had said made me doubtfull about men I had been with. I got tested on chlamydia... but I acted so cowardly and egoistic... neither telling him about the test, nor about the negative result. I still don't know how to get my head around this. What was I thinking?? How could I blame him for his doubts and lack of trust? It is nothing but a natural and healthy reaction to sneak behaviour.

The other thing is about personal values. It was his choice to wait. He never wanted to get involved with anyone who has a past like mine. According to his values I was a bad and sick person.
He used to still see positive qualities in me. Else he would have just left me... not seeking therapy.

Well and I guess some of the things just scared him in a way... because he started doubting weither he could be enough. Weither I was looking for the same.

Originally Posted by Curry

I have been wild in my youth. I was so lonely. My first husband judged me. He was nice and easy going and kind for the most part. He didn't tell his family who lived overseas that we got married, he wouldn't discuss future economic plans even though I was in college with him and we got married early so he wouldn't be deported. I now have a relationship where we communicate about making love and we communicate about anything I want to or my partner does. I don't separate my life into compartments, my goal is to think and feel and be present in all parts of my life. I also don't want a partner that is wonderful in only one or two parts of my life. I love having someone who is respectful and gentle when he asks to talk about my business, my life. It is wonderful not to be put down.

I am glad that you found love! Thank you for sharing. The way you describe your relationship sounds quiet simular to the one my boyfriend craves and one that I am looking for, too. Comunication is important. It is what we are struggling at.

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

Your thread title says it all. If he can't cope with your past, that is HIS problem.

Is it? To some extent, yeah. If he feels like he will never be able to cope with it, it would be best to admit and call it off.
On the other hand he is suffering and not in a healthy state. As his partner I want to support him no matter what. But, yes, I can't solve this. I can only be there... try to rebuild trust. Give him the feeling that at least I am sure that this is right. But the more I feel that he does not love me at all the harder it gets.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I fail to see what your past has to do with now, you have not cheated on him with anyone. He sounds deeply insecure. I am very sceptical of his therapist's claim that people like you don't change - that does not sound like the kind of thing a therapist would say (therapists know more than anyone we can and do change!) I am wondering if he is making that up to add weight to his own opinion.

Really he sounds deeply insecure about his own worth. Not sure what you can do about that, if he recognises it and wants to change it might be possible to find a way forward but dumping all his insecurities on your past is not going to help.

I am deeply sceptical about the therapist, too. Not because she is working against the relationship. But because she is supposed to help him. And not send a person away feeling worse without offering any kind of suggestion. He is taking therapy because he wants to save the relationship.

Yes and no. My past and the beginning of our relationship are quiet blended in his view. I regret so much that I ever got involved in being someones affair. That was one of the worst things I ever did. But that thing ended only a few monthes prior to our relationsip.Though he knew about this, because we were both unhappily in love at the time and talked a lot about it...
Still. That person called me when I was with my boyfriend. And because I avoid to harm people I just said I would call back... not thinking how the man I was dating could feel about it...

Originally Posted by tecomsin

How can he be wonderful to you?

It isn't clear to me why you felt the need to share these things to begin with. Were you looking to be accepted 'warts and all' or for some kind of atonement?

I guess some of the things I told him as a friend made him a little suspicious. And I did not want to ly. I did not want to hide my past. I think it was not what I told him. But how. I felt insecure. I was stammering. Giving very short answers. He wanted some kind of reflected commenting. Context like: I did not have intercorse with all of the men.

[blubbbrabbel]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

This is mutual, keep that in mind.
The OP is as confused as her boyfriend. And while the relationship has some toxicity, it is still mutual so it may be what’s keeping them together regardless.

I don't know... Maybe both of us are chasing some image of what we thought we could become... I am still convinced, if I had moved about things differently, we might just be happy right now. He was very direct about how my past made him feel. Still he kept coming back to me. Trying to undestand. Asking questions. Probably looking for some mirakle that would make it al sound less like a nightmare to him.
He says it is a dilemma. That he is suffering and that almost about everything bad in his life at the present moment goes back to me. I don't know...

One day when we were talking about therapy and my past he had enough and told me to get out all of my stuff. He basicly called it off when he left the flat. Only to text me one hour later, asking my forgiveness.
I guess he never broke up with anyone before.
He is mad and deeply disappointed because of a stupid thing I did... and deeply regret. Today he told me that he does not see that I am capable of ever truely comitting to the kind of relationship he is looking for. And that he is only waiting for me to realize this.
I started aksing myself weither he can't admit to himself that he has been with a person for half year, whom he never truely loved.

Wow. Pious much (him)? What kind of a person tells their GF that because of her he's lost all trust in humanity? Either he's a drama king or he is very, very mean. And if he had sex with the two women before you, did he get tested for STD's?
As long as he continues to see that T you will never be able to rebuilt trust since the T is who told him that you would never change.
Your last sentence was on the mark.

[divine1966]

Sometimes such reactions are indications of something fishy going on. Like cheaters start accusing others of cheating. This guy is very much off. I’d run and run fast and block him from being able to contact. I dont understand how you can be with someone who called you a slut. Awful

[tecomsin]

My impression is that he is pushing limits and will treat you as badly as you are willing to tolerate.

Originally Posted by tecomsin

My impression is that he is pushing limits and will treat you as badly as you are willing to tolerate.

Interesting perspective. Thank for this!

A lot of good advice here!

Blubbrabbel, You said in your original post that you were insecure and still are. And that you are terrified of disappointing your boyfriend (it sounds like, put him on a pedestal). Anyway, my opinion is that your guy is very insecure himself and NOT treating you well, and I like and agree with a lot of the things that people here are saying. I'm just wondering, do you want to leave him? It sounds like even if you do, you might struggle emotionally, due to where you are emotionally now (feeling badly about yourself, and like he is the best boyfriend you've ever had). I would love to see you find a way to feel better about yourself without him. He is bringing you down.

[Bill3]

But, yes, I can't solve this. I can only be there... try to rebuild trust.

From what I understand, you never betrayed his trust in you. There is no broken trust to rebuild!

My advice is to leave any guy who calls you a slut.

[blubbbrabbel]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

Wow. Pious much (him)? What kind of a person tells their GF that because of her he's lost all trust in humanity? Either he's a drama king or he is very, very mean. And if he had sex with the two women before you, did he get tested for STD's?
As long as he continues to see that T you will never be able to rebuilt trust since the T is who told him that you would never change.
Your last sentence was on the mark.

He does not blindly believe his T. But yeah, having her say that we usally unconciously surround ourselves with likeminded people means a lot to him. Because all of his friends have the same take on having as few partner's as possible. It scares him that I have quiet a few friends with a simular past to mine.
I know that I often miss to adress this. And that he is the only one who ever mentions problems. I shy away from conflicts and always have. I think that his list of things I said in arguments is stupid and not healthy. But it is his desperate way of adapting to my unspoken needs...

No. He did not get tested. Because he thinks that I was irresponsible when e.g. not using a condom for oral sex in my past... and because of the number of my partner. I was risking a lot, not only my own health. He acted more responsible in his past.

Originally Posted by Bill3

From what I understand, you never betrayed his trust in you. There is no broken trust to rebuild!

My advice is to leave any guy who calls you a slut.

I was selfish and sneaky when I got tested on chlamydia and did not even mention it. And I was careless about STDs in my past...
The way he found out about my past... how I was talking about it... stammering... often giving answers that would make him feel as if he had to double check. (Ok, she said x, now does that include y?)
I did lie to him. He asked me weither there was anything left I would be afraid or hesitant to tell him. Next day I confessed one more thing.
The day he gave me the key for his flat I lied to him and he asked it back and wanted to leave me. It was an unasssary lie. He asked me what a doctor had said about one of the STD I got tested on. I wish I had said: "Don't get this wrong. I feel hesitant to tell you, because I don't want you to think that I am using that doctor's opinion as an excuse. And I don't want to hurt you. But she was playing down how important it was to get tested on that particula STD." Instead I said: "Sorry, I can't recall at the moment".
And he feels as if he can't rely on me. I would put some of this down to miscommunication. But anyway. I see that I did mistakes.

Originally Posted by tecomsin

My impression is that he is pushing limits and will treat you as badly as you are willing to tolerate.

This is an interesting perspective. But somehow I don't think he is doing all of this on purpose. And what I woud add fits to starryskys reply.

Originally Posted by starrysky

Blubbrabbel, You said in your original post that you were insecure and still are. And that you are terrified of disappointing your boyfriend (it sounds like, put him on a pedestal). Anyway, my opinion is that your guy is very insecure himself and NOT treating you well, and I like and agree with a lot of the things that people here are saying. I'm just wondering, do you want to leave him? It sounds like even if you do, you might struggle emotionally, due to where you are emotionally now (feeling badly about yourself, and like he is the best boyfriend you've ever had). I would love to see you find a way to feel better about yourself without him. He is bringing you down.

Yes! I would say that probably both of us struggle with insecureties. It's a circle and were both unwillingly and unconciously feeding out insecurities. I just don't know how to break out oft this. Each of us feels misunderstood and mistreated.
I am struggling emotionally. Always waiting fot the next result of my mother's CT. Feeling bad about my lack of financal dependency, job experience and hence perspectives. And that is something I feel he is missing to adress ...
I don't talk a lot about my mother's condition (and our relationship in iteself is not easy at times...). My lack of talking about it to him would make him suggest that I am talking to other people whom I need more than him. But I don't. I would not know what to say about it. But it has been a constant pressure and will be... And I feel as if he is making it sound if I was using this as a cheap excuse for mistakes I do.
I studied humanities and don't know myself what to do next. I don't feel that he believes in my career oporunities. Can I blame him? No. But it puts me down, yes. I had a burnout because I was trying to compensate something in my thesis...
These are two examples of I feel misunderstood. Because he is being very rational. Which can be a goos thing. Accept of missing out on emotional needs. And again this probably something I am not comunicating very clearly...
Is he bringing me down pursposly? No! And that is why I don't want to give up.
Yes! I am putting him on a pedestral. You are right in saying that altough this is probably one of the most toxic relationships I've ever had he is the one for me. I never called anyone "love of my life" before. I 've always been against hormonal birth control. With him it just felt natural to change my mind in order to be closer. And as long as I feel that we are actually looking for the same thing but getting lost in our insecurities I don't want to give up.

What I am struggling with is that I feel as if I can't talk to him about these things. He is so much better in putting things into words. Always ready. And I feel that I did so many mistakes that I there is not much I can expect from him.

How could I explain to him that I feel mistreated at times or that he is overreacting sometimes? I have tried and failed and have no idea...

He keeps telling me that I am acting selfish. But I feel that he is always looking for ways to mistrust and to feel mistreated. As if people were not having multiple reasons for their actions... some of them not being related to him.
And to me he is stubborn about some of these things. I don't feel that he is ready to be willing to actually listen an understand my point of view.

Yes, that list of his on things I said in arguments seems unhealthy to me. But it is nothing but his desperate attempt to adapt to my unspoken needs. I never speak up. I shy away from conflicts and always have. He knows that.

[Bill3]

I was selfish and sneaky when I got tested on chlamydia and did not even mention it. And I was careless about STDs in my past...

Neither of those is a betrayal of trust for him.

The way he found out about my past... how I was talking about it... stammering... often giving answers that would make him feel as if he had to double check. (Ok, she said x, now does that include y?)
I did lie to him. He asked me weither there was anything left I would be afraid or hesitant to tell him. Next day I confessed one more thing.
The day he gave me the key for his flat I lied to him and he asked it back and wanted to leave me. It was an unasssary lie. He asked me what a doctor had said about one of the STD I got tested on. I wish I had said: "Don't get this wrong. I feel hesitant to tell you, because I don't want you to think that I am using that doctor's opinion as an excuse. And I don't want to hurt you. But she was playing down how important it was to get tested on that particula STD." Instead I said: "Sorry, I can't recal at the moment".

Why do people lie or be sneaky? Often, they lie because they fear the response if they were to tell the truth. I wonder if that applies to you.

If he were loving and kind to you, and accepted you as you, a person to be loved not interrogated or insulted or called hurtful names or shamed, it would have been much easier for you to tell the truth immediately.

Personally, I think that none of your sexual past is any of his business to begin with.

[blubbbrabbel]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Neither of those is a betrayal of trust for him.

Why do people lie or be sneaky? Often, they lie because they fear the response if they were to tell the truth. I wonder if that applies to you.

If he were loving and kind to you, and accepted you as you, a person to be loved not interrogated or insulted or called hurtful names or shamed, it would have been much easier for you to tell the truth immediately.

Personally, I think that none of your sexual past is any of his business to begin with.

Thank you so much! That is very true! For both of us. Because he has told me many times that he would never ever have fallen for me had he known about my past. And yes, that was why I was avoiding the topic... which resulted in dragging it out over monthes... and which led him to conclude that I was betraying him all along not being honest. Not taking responsibilty for my past e.g. by getting tested before we were intimate.
I don't see how I could explain this to him without being confronted with my sick and unmoral past. But it is very true.

[Bill3]

I don't see how I could explain this to him without being confronted with my sick and unmoral past.

Another scenario would be that a partner did not confront you or think of you as sick or unmoral but would instead understand and accept that people make mistakes, can move/grow past them, and are not ever defined by them. In this scenario, the partner would either leave in an amicable way if they could not accept the past, or else they would understand, forgive, move on, and not hold the past against you forever, not insult you, not over-the-top, implausibly blame you for problems in their life, and not bring the past up over and over.