Can't talk to my wife

guy1111 · Jun 16, 2020, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think being assertive might help to a degree but it’s likely to cause fights and won’t make it any easier. I am pretty assertive (I am the same way irl as I am here, I am straight forward and don’t buy BS) yet I’ve met a few men who were just not considerate and were self absorbed. Me being assertive didn’t make them less selfish. It’s likely contributed to me not sticking around and leaving them but it sure didn’t change who they were. They were who they were. And they certainly aren’t any different now. It’s just that I am not around. Your wife is who she is

Thank you

guy1111 · Jun 16, 2020, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Misssy2

I left someone after 22 years because of my feelings of inadequacy...jealousy....and just got sick and tired of being miserable everyday within myself.
I have zero self esteem and when I left the marriage....it was hard...but it was easier than having him around watching things he was doing that were hurting me.
I don't think she is being sensitive and loving and or caring about you ...the condition you are in right now....etc.

People staying for their "kids" which you may subconsciously be doing ALWAYS ends up in trickling down to actually harming the children....My children would tell you that. My children told me after I finally dissolved our marriage that they had WISHED that I did it long ago.

Your children are noticing you are not happy...this puts a heavy weight on your childrens hearts....If you are unable to "take care of yourself" and get out of this marriage (even if it is just for now)....than please find the strength to seperate for your children....Seperate...continue counseling...get out in the world and find people friends and/or women that make you SMILE.

Life is too short....

It's tougher because two kids are from my first marriage. They have already been through divorce. The other is my current wife's who grew up not knowing his dad. I am the first "dad" he has known.

guy1111 · Jun 16, 2020, 09:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

I resorted to texting/emailing. Maybe you can revisit this idea? Careful not to get sucked into a whirlwind, though.. it'll undoubtedly happen. Keep it minimal, objective, and focused. If she diverts the conversation, bring it back to point.

Maybe... this has backfired on me before so I am reluctant.

Have Hope · Jun 17, 2020, 06:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Ya, no matter how much I grow, the further apart I get from her. This sucks. I feel crappy today because I finally got to see my therapist face to face and she linked alot of my insecurities back to childhood. I really didn't want to go there yesterday, but was brave and went ahead. Sure enough, today, I feel like I am no good. I was all psyched yesterday thinking I was strong and wise for going through therapy and tackling my issues head on. Today I just feel reminded that I had a crappy past and I have a lot more room to grow. Then my wife just blows me off today on the phone. I was kind of short with her when I hung up. I don't even know if she noticed. Even if she did she probably shrugged her shoulders and went on with her day. She just doesn't get me. Oh well. Keep moving forward I guess. I feel like just staying out of the house as long as I can tonight.

Personally, I don't see the therapeutic benefit of turning one's childhood inside and out. I am more of a mindset to deal with the behaviors that are problematic NOW, and problem solve them. Your wife is triggering insecurity in you, and that's only natural because she seeks sexual flattery and attention from single men. To me, that doesn't have to do with childhood -- it's a natural reaction nearly almost anyone would have to this situation.

And the communication issues in your relationship are very real and problematic, and mainly on your wife's end of things. How is the therapist going to help you to problem solve those? By exploring your childhood?

But what do I know? I am not a therapist, though I almost became one and went to school for it.

divine1966 · Jun 17, 2020, 06:37 AM

Did I read it right that you’ve been only married 3 years? This should be a marital bliss not this turmoil. Maybe I read it wrong

Also did she dramatically change or was she this way when you dated? I’ve been only married 4 years myself and my husband is exact same person he was when we dated. Usually people don’t change that fast unless they are con artists and trick you on purpose

MsLady · Jun 17, 2020, 11:04 AM

My therapist told me the other day that we can't force someone to learn, understand, and see things from our perspectives. Lets add to that list.. "We can't force someone to" empathize, be respectful, and reflect.. or how about rationalize, be kind, and be courteous. We can't "force". The only advice I was given was to come up with my own backup plan. What can "I" do about all this that's in my own means? Protect myself. I feel this advice could apply to you, too?

I feel you're stuck where you're at, particularly since you have children. It's not an easy decision to make, to be a single parent, let alone be one with three children. So I really do feel for you.

You're doing the best you can for yourself and your kids. The outlook does not seem very promising in this relationship. I'm not sure if working through your childhood would benefit the struggles you're having with your wife? It may give you clarity as to how you ended up with her in the first place. What does your therapist want you to do with this, in connection to your wife?

divine1966 · Jun 17, 2020, 12:22 PM

Exploring your childhood is important when you need to understand why you attract certain people etc At this point there isn’t much you can do about it.

Sometimes analyzing ones childhood becomes beating a dead horse and cop out. “Had a bad childhood. Can’t have a good life. Still feel like a 2 year old at 80. I am helpless”. Some therapists like to focus on that too because its much easier than focusing on helping clients improve their current life.

Sure many people had less than stellar childhoods, but what do you do with that information further? That what matters. What’s next?

Yup agree with a previous poster. Can’t force anyone to do anything

Have Hope · Jun 18, 2020, 06:53 AM

Yes, that, AND, while it may be helpful to know where the insecurities come from because of one's childhood, the fact of the matter is, your wife is triggering your insecurities. My husband is triggering mine by what he said about preferring dark haired women when I don't have dark hair. I already have some of my own insecurities, and his comment triggers me into a deep feeling of being "less than" and not as appealing to him as other women are. So, for me it doesn't matter that my father emotionally neglected me as a child and helped to create those insecurities -- what matters is that my spouse's behavior is making me feel badly about myself. That's a BIG problem.

guy1111 · Jun 18, 2020, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Personally, I don't see the therapeutic benefit of turning one's childhood inside and out. I am more of a mindset to deal with the behaviors that are problematic NOW, and problem solve them. Your wife is triggering insecurity in you, and that's only natural because she seeks sexual flattery and attention from single men. To me, that doesn't have to do with childhood -- it's a natural reaction nearly almost anyone would have to this situation.

And the communication issues in your relationship are very real and problematic, and mainly on your wife's end of things. How is the therapist going to help you to problem solve those? By exploring your childhood?

But what do I know? I am not a therapist, though I almost became one and went to school for it.

Yes, but I can't change this person. I have, however, been able to lower my anxiety level significantly in reaction to her social behavior. I am trying to keep the peace for me and my children as best I can.

You are right about our communication issues. That is why I am stuck. I can't go any further with her until she changes. It makes me frustrated on most days and just sad on other days.

Thanks for your support!

guy1111 · Jun 18, 2020, 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Did I read it right that you’ve been only married 3 years? This should be a marital bliss not this turmoil. Maybe I read it wrong

Also did she dramatically change or was she this way when you dated? I’ve been only married 4 years myself and my husband is exact same person he was when we dated. Usually people don’t change that fast unless they are con artists and trick you on purpose

She's always been this way. I was the fool who went ahead after seeing red flags. She has toned down some, but refuses to admit she has done anything wrong.

Have Hope · Jun 18, 2020, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Yes, but I can't change this person. I have, however, been able to lower my anxiety level significantly in reaction to her social behavior. I am trying to keep the peace for me and my children as best I can.

You are right about our communication issues. That is why I am stuck. I can't go any further with her until she changes. It makes me frustrated on most days and just sad on other days.

Thanks for your support!

You're right -- you cannot change a person. You can only change your own behavior. But can also boundaries and limits for yourself around what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and treatment.

I'm sorry you feel so stuck, frustrated and sad. It's. understandable. Any chance of couples therapy?

Have Hope · Jun 18, 2020, 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

She's always been this way. I was the fool who went ahead after seeing red flags. She has toned down some, but refuses to admit she has done anything wrong.

That's an impossible situation, which is what I initially faced with my husband. He refused to acknowledge that he has an anger/rage problem for the entire last year.

I saw the red flags too before I married, and I married anyways. I beat myself up over that fact for a long time. Then I came to a place of greater acceptance -- it is what it is, and I made the decision that I felt was right at the time of marriage. We have to forgive ourselves for getting ourselves into a less than ideal and hurtful situation. And we learn the hard way that red flags mean trouble ahead. But don't beat yourself up.... either the situation improves, OR if not, you will have a tough decision to make. I don't think or believe you truly want to feel miserable and unhappy in a marriage for the rest of your life. I know I do not.

guy1111 · Jun 18, 2020, 11:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

That's an impossible situation, which is what I initially faced with my husband. He refused to acknowledge that he has an anger/rage problem for the entire last year.

I saw the red flags too before I married, and I married anyways. I beat myself up over that fact for a long time. Then I came to a place of greater acceptance -- it is what it is, and I made the decision that I felt was right at the time of marriage. We have to forgive ourselves for getting ourselves into a less than ideal and hurtful situation. And we learn the hard way that red flags mean trouble ahead. But don't beat yourself up.... either the situation improves, OR if not, you will have a tough decision to make. I don't think or believe you truly want to feel miserable and unhappy in a marriage for the rest of your life. I know I do not.

Some days are harder than others. Right now I feel alone. We are going out of town tomorrow. I'm not even excited. I just don't want to make any waves. We are going with some friends so maybe I just hang out with the guy. I know he has issues with his wife but he's not much of a talker. Maybe we just hang out together.

guy1111 · Jun 18, 2020, 11:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

You're right -- you cannot change a person. You can only change your own behavior. But can also boundaries and limits for yourself around what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and treatment.

I'm sorry you feel so stuck, frustrated and sad. It's. understandable. Any chance of couples therapy?

I keep fantasizing that we go to couples therapy and I open up and the therapist mediates so she can't get mad at me. Then I get a chance to share all that she is putring me through and the therapist makes her listen and acknowledge her behavior.

Then I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up. Otherwise I will build a case against her in my head and drive myself crazy.

Thanks for validating my feelings. It's nice.

guy1111 · Jun 22, 2020, 01:30 PM

Depressed after Fathers day. Maybe just tired. Everyone was nice to me, but I just feel disconnected.

Have Hope · Jun 22, 2020, 01:46 PM

I feel for you. How was the weekend away with friends? I am feeling pretty alone with my marital struggles myself.

Have Hope · Jun 22, 2020, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

I keep fantasizing that we go to couples therapy and I open up and the therapist mediates so she can't get mad at me. Then I get a chance to share all that she is putring me through and the therapist makes her listen and acknowledge her behavior.

Then I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up. Otherwise I will build a case against her in my head and drive myself crazy.

Thanks for validating my feelings. It's nice.

That's IF you have a good therapist. One who makes your wife acknowledge and recognize what she's doing with her behaviors. But then, your wife also has to own up to those behaviors, which to date, she has been unwilling to do.

guy1111 · Jun 23, 2020, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I feel for you. How was the weekend away with friends? I am feeling pretty alone with my marital struggles myself.

It was pretty good. No major triggers. It was nice to enjoy the kids, play with them, take them swimming, etc. I think I'm just tired right now. Probably for the better. I don't have the energy to get upset right now. My wife started telling some story that reminded me of a past infatuation she had and I just kind of zoned out and nodded my head. I went to bed tired.

Have Hope · Jun 23, 2020, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

It was pretty good. No major triggers. It was nice to enjoy the kids, play with them, take them swimming, etc. I think I'm just tired right now. Probably for the better. I don't have the energy to get upset right now. My wife started telling some story that reminded me of a past infatuation she had and I just kind of zoned out and nodded my head. I went to bed tired.

guy1111 · Jul 11, 2020, 11:26 PM

Im gonna need some ears to listen this week. I am going on our 1 yr anniversary vacation and I'm in a volatile state. I don't know if I can keep up with my wife's insanity one on one for 4 days alone. Hopefully someone out there hears this.

divine1966 · 03:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Im gonna need some ears to listen this week. I am going on our 1 yr anniversary vacation and I'm in a volatile state. I don't know if I can keep up with my wife's insanity one on one for 4 days alone. Hopefully someone out there hears this.

Do you have to go? You have a good excuse to cancel, afraid to travel etc. I’d not go on vacations when I feel like this about a person.

You’ve been only married a year? I take it your children are from your first marriage? You said you don’t want kids to go through divorce but these aren’t even her kids. Or some are hers?

Was your first wife respectful and considerate or was she similar to your second wife? Is there a pattern in choosing these women (stemming from family of origin). There has to be a way to break this pattern. Your wife’s behavior is not typical and i ensure you there are many women who do not behave like this

Have Hope · Jul 12, 2020, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Im gonna need some ears to listen this week. I am going on our 1 yr anniversary vacation and I'm in a volatile state. I don't know if I can keep up with my wife's insanity one on one for 4 days alone. Hopefully someone out there hears this.

Can you possibly establish some ground rules with her Before you go?

guy1111 · Jul 12, 2020, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Do you have to go? You have a good excuse to cancel, afraid to travel etc. I’d not go on vacations when I feel like this about a person.

You’ve been only married a year? I take it your children are from your first marriage? You said you don’t want kids to go through divorce but these aren’t even her kids. Or some are hers?

Was your first wife respectful and considerate or was she similar to your second wife? Is there a pattern in choosing these women (stemming from family of origin). There has to be a way to break this pattern. Your wife’s behavior is not typical and i ensure you there are many women who do not behave like this

I already took time off work. I can't go back on it. 2 kids are from my ex. She was worse! So I am grateful for that. Ya, my picker is broken. One kid is from her ex. It's a mess.

She has been super angry lately. I know it's something from her past. I step back from the moment in my mind while she is ranting and I look at her and I think "this is a very angry person".

Normally I can just tune it out and start listing all my good qualities and sometimes I actually feel better than when she starts in. Haha.

The last couple weeks she has been almost daily just ranting and raving. Hitting things, hurting her hands. It's crazy. I think she is stressed out. That's no excuse. At this point I honestly don't even care why she is so upset. The things she says she's upset about are petty. There's something going on with herself. She needs help.

guy1111 · Jul 12, 2020, 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Can you possibly establish some ground rules with her Before you go?

I was thinking that. My nerves are starting to get rattled, so I am afraid I might say something I regret though. I am hoping if we can at least get to our destination and go on a hike and get some exercise I might feel good enough to set some groundrules for the rest of the time without saying something hurtful.

MsLady · Jul 12, 2020, 09:04 AM

Are you going to a place filled with activities (during covid?) or a "sit and relax" getaway? Would you both be interested in participating in some meditation together? Ground rules would help, for sure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

I might feel good enough to set some groundrules for the rest of the time without saying something hurtful.

Can I suggest you set the ground rules before you go? Keep the trip itself, positive.

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