Assault?

That’s even worse. I thought it happened when you two were dating. You are a family with two children and essentially are his common law wife. So in addition to other issues you can’t even blend your social lives. He seems to have no redeeming qualities.

The wedding was an hour out of the city. As the Best Man, he needed to arrive earlier to help set up. He told me 2weeks after his invite we were invited, too .. but that he didn't know how we'd get there. I said we didn't "have to" go, under those circumstances. He said ok.. and then added it would have been stressful for him anyway, as he'd have to "bounce back and forth" between us and the party. Not a nice thing to say, IMO. Wouldn't we be "part" of the party? When I questioned it, he used my social anxieties as a "concern"... all hogwash. I later found out the truth about it.

I think he wanted to party it up, drink like a fish, and not worry about presenting himself a certain way, in front of his kids. Had we been there, he would have had to be the designated driver and leave the party earlier.

To be blunt- you have to plan your escape. Setting aside money and finding some DV resources and even legal advice. Its the only way you will be safe.

I am sorry MsLady in following along you are basically not only parenting two small children but also your children’s father who is very immature and pushes your buttons to mother him instead of being an adult partner.

It sounds like one of your concerns is not only being financially unable to make a break but also concerned about him being mature enough should he get divided custody as well. That’s a lot to think about.

Well I do question some of his decision making. The other day he had our one year old on a regular swing. I only knew about it because he was showing me cute photos. So I mentioned the swing was not safe for her at that age, even if it's motionless. There's no support and she doesn't understand it yet. He said she was "fine", he was "right there".. when our 3yr old said she fell off it. He said she fell forward while she was trying to get off, which tells me he WASN'T there. I see it as negligence.

Yesterday our 3yr old ran off, as we were leaving the playground. I was helping the 1yr old fet into the stroller. He just stood beside me and watched. I said to go get her. He daid it doesn't work out well when he does.. but that's because he solves the problem by picking her up and she wiggles and screams. So he left it for me to solve the problem. I talked her into coming back, thankfully. She was just being silly during the transition. But he left me to care for both girls while he just stood there. I didn't tell him to physically prompt her.. go work it out!

I can believe that I have seen parents do some stupid things though over the years I have been around families with young children. Some parents don’t realize these little ones are just babies and have so little understanding of so many things.

Do you have anything your husband can read or watch about parenting young children and understanding child development? There are many videos he can watch on YouTube.

He has to grow up, he can’t be another child of yours.

We have discussions around parenting strategies all the time. I try and keep it neutral or I bring up scenarios I see us both struggling with.. it's ongoing. 100% of the time it's me initiating. We read articles and have adopted the Attachment Parenting model, so I often pull that back into conversation.

Through our discussions around the importance of a dad's role with daughters, he has since been reading about how to strengthen that bond in a healthy way.. which is a good thing.

Does he take them to the park because you are working? Please forgive me for being so old school, but my h never took them to the park or rarely watched them without me there. I’d be so worried about the safety of the kids that I’d just make sure I was there at all times while he was watching them. Would you leave them with anyone else who is incompetent?

I’d also document all this evidence of him being a father who jeopardizes their safety. How will he get major share of custody when he is a danger to them?

I don't want to be a helicopter mom. It's important that our daughters bond with the both of us, independent of each other. Also, dads and moms do things different and it's that balance that fosters healthy children.

I'm naturally more cautious than he is because of raising a special needs son with slight mobility issues. Our 3yr old exhibits similar gross motor challenges so they are more cautious with movement and equipment. Our 1yr old does not have these challenges at all.

We both take them to the playground, either together or apart. Our children have never sustained any serious injuries or concussions. They've been fine. To me it's more of a judgment call. I don't think it's fine to put a 1yr old on a big kid swing. He obviously disagrees.

When does he have all this time to go to parks with kids if he is the only one working? Every time he goes somewhere with kids regardless if you are there or not, he seems to neglect the kids. Why are you letting him be alone with the kids? I understand wanting him to bond with kids but if he is neglectful parent, it’s just too dangerous. Is he your age or very young? My ex husband was 20 when we had our daughter and he was attentive parent and knew that toddlers need to be watched. Your partner doesn’t seem to bother. It’s important for fathers to have relationship with their kids of course but not when their safety is in jeopardy.

Putting a 1 year old on big kids swing and not watch her is neglectful. I don’t think you can foster anything by endangering the kids. That’s what he is doing.

I agree with Tisha that neglect needs to be documented.

I wish my husband had done father/son bonding activities with our kids when they were older like playing ball, fishing, etc...

But right now they are building some speakers, so it’s never too late.

It sounds like you feel relaxed that your h is a good enough parent to be trusted.

Ya, I've never had concerns about their safety. There's been questionable moments, yes, but I'm not in fear that they'll physically be harmed by him.

Yes, our one year old COULD have fallen backwards from the swing and hit her head. A judge may likely say it's a typical scenario of a child falling down in play. It's not like he was swinging her dangerously and she fell because of it .. to me though, it was a risk, anyway.

He was very impulsive growing up. He was forever injured as a kid because he didn't stop and think about his actions.. very much ADHD.. so I can imagine this is all "normal" to him.

Lol There's time.

No. That's a generalization.

I wasn't there so for all I know, she fell off as he was taking quick photos. Not the point. For me it was a risk. For him he felt he had it under control. I know he wouldn't have moved on with the 3yr old while leaving her there. He didn't abandon her there.

If there is nothing wrong with his parenting, then I am not sure why you have concerns about his parenting decisions? And if his parenting is good, then why are you concerned he’ll share custody if you split? If he did nothing wrong when in the park with 1-year old and then when you take care of both kids and he just stands there, then perhaps I don’t understand your posts.

It sounded like you have concerns about him. If you don’t, then it’s all good

I do have concerns. Your responses seem very black and white to me.. the "always and nevers". I've given many examples of what they are. I'm sorry if it's not been clear enough.

Ok so he “sometimes” or “often” is a neglectful parent making bad decisions. There’ve been times when you posted about his bad decisions daily or few times a day or just often. So it appears that it happens “always”. Of course it’s possible that he does make good decisions in between bad ones. We aren’t there to observe. I mainly meant that I perhaps don’t understand your last post. It sounded like you had a concern over two bad parenting decisions but then there seemed to be no concern anymore.

I notice you do it a lot and it’s common for abuse victims. You describe unacceptable or inappropriate actions of your partner but then try to rationalize them and find excuses for his behaviors. Or you find his actions wrong and express concerns but then soon after these events are rationalized as “no big deal”. Sadly it’s all very common.

I do know you aren’t leaving him so it’s understandable you have to find ways to manage

Most of my posts are about his behaviours toward me. When he gets into this mental state and threatens to end the relationship and take the kids, of course it scares me. I don't care if a 50/50 split is typical. Our girls are very young and still depend on me for nursing and sleep comfort. Just that alone would affect them if the court allows him rights to overnights.. just that alone.

Then I expressed fears around him potentially asking for at least 60% for his own financial needs. Our last episode, he threatened he'd take them for 100% of the time. Parental alienation. That's abuse. That's not looking at the girls' best interest.

But again, he says and does the opposite when he's back at baseline. That "splitting" term I mentioned is a real concern. How he behaves when he's "off" is likely how he'll behave when we seperate.. making unreasonable demands, with support of his family and convincing of the courts. It's a genuine FEAR.

Yes, there are times I feel he doesn't think things through, or what's acceptable to him is not at par with what others would do.. like the swing incident. Her fall could have been prevented. She wasn't seriously injured though, so the courts wouldn't put any weight on it.

I mentioned it's been me who initiates conversations around parenting concerns, strategies, and behaviour management. He's a "good parent" because he at least tries to take to these strategies. If I'm not there, I won't know.. so playing favouritism between the girls is not ok. The courts wouldn't look at that. Bedsharing for his own emotional needs, while under the influence of cannabis, is not ok. Crying in front of the girls when trying to manage their behaviours is not ok.. etc. So there are concerns but none that the courts would take into consideration.

So yes, I can't leave right now due to the multiple barriers. I'm also afraid to, regardless if my fears are rational or not. To be told 50/50 is common.. well, not for MY kids. They're 3 and 1. Four hours apart is too much time for them.. let alone, 50%.. 60.. 100.

What is most sad to me is that you feel you cannot leave based on your fears of what he would or could do. That is emotional blackmail on his part to threaten 100% custody, which will naturally make you afraid of making any drastic moves. He has accused you of abuse, threatened to call the police and social services, and he has told his family members and friends that you are abusive. These are all scare tactics to keep you in line and in a fearful position, which is exactly how abusers operate. You are living in fear and under his thumb of control and manipulation, which makes me very sad for you.

Yep! If I were to leave him, knowing his personality, the emotional blackmail is likely to play out. He's codependent, at the very least.. so he says. He cannot be alone. Our girls would take my replacement.. and that would potentially embark on emotional parentification.

That's why I suggested talking to a lawyer to get a free consultation and obtain the legal facts. Can he really legally obtain 60% custody? His accusations of abuse are unfounded. You nudged him at the door, or leaned into him, but that IMO should not deemed as "physical abuse". Physical abuse would be outright hitting him with the intent to harm. His allegations should not stand in a court of law, but I think it would be best to arm yourself with education and knowledge of how things would work legally if and when you do separate. At least you can empower yourself with knowledge of how the legal system works and perhaps it would assuage your fears of leaving him.

Hm, a good parent would not do those things i.e. play games, manipulate you, turn the babies against you etc etc. Worse is that he seems to know and be very conscious of what he is doing.

A good parent is not only someone who treats the kids well, is reliable and responsible (which, from you posts I don't see to be the case) but they model good behaviour and co-parent accordingly. They don't make the other partner out to be the devil - e.g. calling the police on you, threatening you, brainwashing the babies that 'mommy is hurting them' or to come to him if they need him when babies are with mommy. What kind of message is that sending.. That is not the mark of a good parent.

It seems you have to constantly be on guard re his behaviour: towards you, towards the kids so he doesn't 'explode'. Things have to be on his terms and one needs to walk on eggshells so as not to trigger him and/or his moods. Not only must this be exhausting for you, I imagine but... it shouldn't be this way.

You are pulling your weight and his weight. He is not a child. He ought to be managing his own behaviour and taking steps accordingly so as to be a good enough partner and parent. He doesn't do that.

He seems very volatile and manipulative, cunning really. Even if you guys don't come to full-blown fights in front of the children, children can sense something is wrong. For instance, sensing daddy is wary of mommy, daddy is putting words in their mouths, come to daddy if you are afraid of mommy etc. This is bound to negatively impact on them and what to expect in a future partner.

I think he’s intentionally doing parental alienation to set you up badly in a divorce. He’s using the kids for his monetary gain and turning them against you.

Someone here recently started a thread about parental alienation. If you can search and find it, it was very eye opening. Many people chimed in about how it happened to them.

Everyone who responded on this thread sees major red flags for you.

We suggested; go with him to his doctor and a psychiatrist, document the abuse, plan a way to end this relationship (but there are the very young children to consider), do not trust him alone with the girls as he is not a good parent, do not play into his alienating you from your kids and his family.

Agreed. When I was looking for lawyers, I stumbled upon a site that helped me to identify lawyers who had experience with abusive partners. I don't have the site anymore so I can't send the link, but as I had suggested before, I would call lawyers to start empowering myself with education and knowledge of the legal process and my legal rights within the parental relationship .I would also want to know how to legally protect myself from accusations of abuse and from the splitting and parental alienation that is going on.

I agree that he is setting her up in the case of a separation and divorce, which is what abusive partners do.

Agree with others. I do understand not being able to immediately leave. So it’s understandable not wanting to make waves until having all ducks in the row.

But in the meanwhile while trying to set everything up for leaving ASAP, he shouldn’t be out and about with kids he can’t properly manage and looking for excuses for him isn’t going to help anything. Of course everything is relative and he is not actively abusive parent but he is NOT a good parent. He might not be physically abusive partner, but he is a bad partner, he is emotionally abusive neglectful dishonest and he isn’t even a good provider (not like that’s important but sometimes it keeps women from leaving).

Lawyer consultations are often free and you do need to document what he says and does. Longer you stay more info (fake info) he’ll collect that you aren’t a suitable parent. He might get full custody and you’ll see them every other weekend and pay him child support. He’ll not take care of them as he isn’t good as a care giver but he’ll find a girlfriend to do it for him (not hard to find, sadly).

If you document his behaviors now and try to separate relatively soon, you’ll might be able to keep the kids as you are still breastfeeding etc and you are on maternity leave. Longer you wait likely you’d be screwed up in the process.

Plus longer kids live through this more likely they’ll look for the same kind of partners themselves and one day you will worry about safety of your grandkids. It’s up to you to break this cycle. There is zero benefit in holding on to this man.

I've already started documenting. Sadly, I think he is, too.. but I'm not sure.