Trust issues with my husband - please help

It does sound unnecessarily rude. If he thought you are going to check up on him, he could just ask. Is he in general rude person? I am not particularly rude in general but sometimes stuff comes out of my mouth that I can’t even explain. But no you aren’t too sensitive. It’s rude. I think it’s good he apologized at least

Why was it important that his co worker is pretty? Why was that info conveyed to you and what’s the significance of it? Due to the nature of my husband career field he always works with 99% women. Some of them I’ve met because we do outings with his co workers but most of them I’ve never met. I have no idea how they look. I know which ones are crazy and which ones are lazy lol and which ones are hard working and reliable and good to work with because we talk about work. I’ve no idea how they look.

I’d probably be taken aback if my husband started describing their looks. Not like I’d think he cheat but why does he care how other women look? I work with several men and tell my husband about them but I never described if they are handsome, I’d not even notice probably. What’s up with that? This kind of stuff contributes to your trust issues with him. He makes it worse with these comments

Fingers crossed about job. If team liked you, it’s a good sign

I asked him point blank if his new female co-worker is pretty. I also said I hope he doesn't develop a crush on her. I believe he wanted to just be honest with me by telling me she is pretty, but that she is also heavy, which he doesn't find attractive.

When she first started working there, he made a point of telling me right off the bat that she was being annoying by talking far too much about all details of her life within the first two days. He said she is loud and annoying and talks too much. She was sharing her info with everyone there, not just him.

I believe he is trying instead to reassure me.

But yes, his comment last night was most rude and most unnecessary.

And thanks on the job. The team apparently really liked me. I just don't know how i feel about this company owner now and how he operates the business. It makes me feel wary of them, but I don't think I'm in a position to pick and choose..... I could be since I have four more months of unemployment, but I'm leaning now towards leaving my husband, and I want a job ASAP so I can figure this out.

You still don’t trust him. How did he react when you said you hope he didn’t develop crush on her? What if she was pretty AND thin? Is the only reason he won’t develop crush on women is their weight, what if they lose weight?

You just don’t trust him around women. What does your individual therapist say if you discussed it? It sounds stressful to worry about this stuff. I hope couples therapists reply to you soon. There has to be trust for marriage to work and maybe there are ways to build it.

I don’t know how unemployment really works but I think it’s scary to wait another 4 months. What if unemployment can’t be extended after 4 months? If they offer any position, I’d take it

He said he definitely would not develop a crush - he told me that he's in love with ME and that I'm the only one he has a crush on.

I have DEEP trust issues all on my own, aside from his prior lies to me that now make it harder to trust HIM. I am addressing it in therapy, but it's a struggle. I don't know if my therapist is very good.

I am at a loss right now -- utterly at a loss.

I agree with you, and that's exactly what I'm thinking - especially if they can meet my salary expectations, then I most likely would accept the position.

I think his rude comment stemmed from exactly what he said.. that you just wanted to check up on them. In this scenario, I can understand his frustration if he truly has no interest in this woman.

Yes, it was rude. I also think he's tired of the questioning.. and as I've said already, he's dug a hole for himself because now, even if he's telling you the truth, you're not confident in him. He's lost credibility. Too bad for him, though.. he needs to take this piece as part of the puzzle, due to his own actions.

Thanks, MsLady. He IS tired of the questioning, and I've agreed to let up. He has lost some credibility though and that's where it gets really tough for me.

I am really hoping a good therapist can help us navigate through this issue, along with all other issues we face.

I have contacted about ten therapists and only heard back from the one who told me to leave him on a voicemail because I had mentioned abuse. That really wasn't helpful.

We can never know for sure what a person might do, and that is difficult....the unknown.

OMG, YES. The unknown is very difficult for me. On the one hand, I feel I could be taking a risk by continuing forward with him, and on the other, I could also be making a leap of faith and it could turn out well. But it's the unknown that scares me.

It's true that you can't know, but also true that you know your experience of a person, and your feelings about them. I know you have mixed feelings, but how would you feel if his behaviour didn't change, or got worse?

I'm sorry I can't offer more words of encouragement, but I do believe that you can't change a person, and from what you have said, I also believe that your husband is "behaving" so that he can keep you...it doesn't sound like he's taking steps to understand the damage he's done, and really make improvements without your persuasion. I know we are all human and make mistakes. You obviously take ownership for your mistakes and are trying to learn and move forward. I really hope the job works out for you!

@KBMK, thanks so much on the job front!

How would I feel? I would leave him if his behavior didn't change or got worse. I think it will be soon enough that I will know either way. If he's simply acting on his best behavior and doesn't have a sincere desire to truly change for the better, it will come out at one point or another and sooner than later, I do believe.

And yes, he may not truly understand the damage he has caused. This is why I look to couples therapy to help me to discuss it with an objective third party who can help mediate. He needs to understand that he's broken my trust and that it's been hard for me to fully trust him since.

I do know him though. And my sense is once he hears this, he will just say to me, then why be together? If you cannot trust me, then we shouldn't be together anymore.

I am not sure if he really has it within him to work on this together and to deal with the issues and the uncertainty for a while.

I hope you get into therapy, and it clears things up. It just all sounds so familiar to me, and couples therapy resulted in what you just described, my husband saying "did you have fun complaining about me", and "if I'm such a terrible person why don't you just leave me"...me me me
And the violence really did shock me. It was something I would never have expected. I just hope you stay safe

Eek - so sorry to hear you dealt with that.

I will stay safe, thanks.

I want to be careful of how I word things with the therapist when we get there. I want to be very deliberate and also acknowledge all the positive progress he's made. I don't plan on going to unload with only complaints - especially in knowing how he may react to that. He needs the positive reinforcement too.

This morning my husband chose a movie HE wanted to watch. Ok, fine, I was busy on my computer. Next, I tell him I get to choose something that I want to watch. So he takes the remote and tries to choose something for me. I ask him to give me the remote so I can choose for myself. Then he pretends to not allow me to, then tells me that he is enjoying watching me get worked up over wanting the remote and over wanting to choose my own show.

Later I ask him, did you really enjoy pissing me off over having control over the remote? He says he was just "joking" and that I take everything literally. I tell him, that's an odd joke. I truly was getting pissed off that you wouldn't let me choose my own show to watch. He then says, every one of my jokes is odd to you.

Yeah. When you enjoy pissing me off? And then try to pawn it off as a "joke"? What the hell is that? That's similar to his mean put down comments that are disguised as "jokes". By explaining it away as a joke, he is able to get away with this behavior. I don't like it. And I am tired of having to tell him it isn't OK with me.

Now we are at odds again.

These are the situations that make me think there is NO HOPE. And when I feel there is no hope, I feel like divorce is inevitable. And perhaps it really is at this point.

As soon as I get a job, I will feel better.

We talked about it more, and I told him some of your jokes are offensive and are not OK. Some jokes are funny and make me laugh.

Then he stormed off saying everything he does is wrong and why do I even want to be with him.

Great. I don't need this right now. More stress, more tension. WHY do I even bother I am now wondering. This is really immature behavior.

It’s only true to a degree.

I think if we choose right people we know that they’d not knowingly commit crime or cheat or mistreat us. Choosing right people is the key.

Sure I don’t know if my husband will for sure take garbage out today. He might forget. But I sure know he’d not cheat or abuse me or willingly commit crimes or does anything else inappropriate. I have zero worries. I think if I lived in constant fear and worry what he might do, I’d rather be single. Who needs that?

I think if you truly don’t know what he or she might do, then it’s not the right person for you

I have several worries with my husband at this point. It's very possible I chose the wrong man to marry. I've made two other big romantic mistakes in my life - this could be my third.

Just spoke with my father who is a psych doc. He said that this is about control over me.

It was also clear to me this morning that my husband did not like that I was immersed in my computer and was trying to demand my attention, even though he was watching a movie he knows I have NO interest in, and he was also busy playing his game. He demands and needs my attention a lot of the time. Like a true narcissist.

My father suggested avoiding any hot button topics until we get to therapy together.

Now my husband is lying down in bed sleeping. This is what he does when things get tough.

It all feels SO hopeless right now. I can see that my husband will also need individual therapy to address his own issues by himself. I don't know if I am willing to go on this ride with him. I've been in therapy my whole life. He has to start at the very beginning.

And I really need a job, and we need a therapist. ASAP.

Today sucks. And I woke up in a good mood too.

It’s terrible that you can’t find couple therapists. So annoying. Does your individual therapist know anyone? People want therapy and are willing to pay and can’t get anyone! Ugh

Now he is sleeping. At noon. And he doesn’t work night shifts. I know it’s neither here nor there but I get annoyed with people sleeping during the day. I know it’s my own issue.

It is terrible. My father said therapists are full because of Covid. My individual therapist referred me to a few people whom I have yet to contact. Thanks for the reminder!

Tomorrow it is my mission to follow up on every email I’ve sent to potential therapists: this week it’s my goal to find one.

I don’t mind him sleeping. It’s how he deals with stress. To each their own. I’m glad to have the space right now to think and to just be by myself.

I hope you’ll find someone quick

Me too!!!! Thank you.

My partner jokes in this way, too.. with a lot of people. I've had conversations with him about it and told him these "jokes" come from a dark place. Now, when I catch him joking this way, I remind him it's a "dark joke" and that it's not allowed. I'm trying not to get into the specifics.

Your husband knows your buttons. It's clear he knows he's joking on your expense for a cheap laugh. There's something within him, too.

What's his relationship like with his mom? Does he have a sister, too?

I hear you. I call my husband out on every single one of these so called jokes.

He had two brothers; one passed away in 9/11, a very tragic event that messed up his entire family, understandably. No sisters and one older male sibling left.

His father was/is abusive, explosive, racist and sexist. Yet my husband claims he was a "great" father. He has a lot of therapy ahead of him to acknowledge the fact that his father taught him to abuse women. He did admit in July that he's been mirroring his father's behavior. Yet, I still feel like he's not fully acknowledging and absorbing how his father truly is.

He does love his mother. It's his father who is the problem.