I think my husband may be a narcissist? What do you think?

I'll apologize again, and won't make any more observations if they might be seen as insensitive. Except to say lastly that the thread is about you...about your concerns about your husband, which are totally valid. And all I was trying to say is (as someone who has suffered narcissistic abuse, and knows the desire for closure) whether or not your husband has a personality disorder, you deserve a chance to pursue happiness for yourself

Thank you. I appreciate the sentiments. We all deserve happiness, for certain.

Hugs

Thanks @Fuzzybear.

Have Hope, why did you get so mad and annoyed about that alleged accusation?

You say "do not try to diagnose me or try to tell me what disorders I may have. You are not a therapist." - yet you ask us if your husband is a narc...

The last thing I want is to step on your toes but I do remember myself behaving in very similar way (being triggered, though by different things) and once I looked into reasons behind it I learnt a lot about myself. So again, do not explain yourself here, just pay attention to what you do and how you react. It may improve your therapy. Again, speaking from expierence.

This thread is about my husband, not about me. I asked specifically whether people thought my husband is a narcissist. Then it was implied that I may be one myself, and I got seriously offended. No offense to you, I know you are diagnosed as a narcissist yourself, but I get triggered when I feel largely misunderstood and misinterpreted. And again, this thread isn't about analysis of myself, and it's not what I asked for at all. I have a right to get annoyed when people get off topic on my own thread. I don't wish to personally be analyzed right now. That IS the job of my therapist.

And right now, I am dealing with narcissistic abuse. I am trying to empower myself to leave this awful situation. I don't need people telling me what my problems are, nor did I ask! What I need personally is strengthening, not people poking holes in my self esteem.

Wow. I think the biggest problem with this response is TIMING. Some good advice (bolded) but prematurely made, IMO.

Yes, and if I had asked the question "AM I A NARCISSIST" OR "AM I CODEPENDENT" then I would have welcomed those types of responses.

Sorry if I come off as insensitive but I am. I am that kind of person. However, you’ve been sharing your thoughts and opinions when I was asking for advices. It helped me. Now I honestly want to help you and as a matter of fact (as you know) this problem is sort of in my “area of expertise”.

I can be the bad guy / immature / a… hole here but it’s not my intention to poke holes in your self esteem. It’s probably your husband’s goal. And that is my point. Narcissistic abuse is usually bombing your self esteem and is distorting your self image and I can see it.

You are not a narc… Christ, you’re nowhere near it. There is no reason for you to get mad at someone who says something so inaccurate, off topic or not, because it’s not you. Something tells me that you’ve been misunderstood and misinterpreted on daily basis by someone close to you (you know who) and this is why you react the way you do (it’s a symptom of abuse). I just want to point that out. I know it's important. I won't go further because I'd probably say something bad again.

BTW. One more example. I could make my super skinny friend anxious and angry about being called "fat" when I was in the most destructive narcissistic mode. Messing with your head is what we do. Do not allow it to happen ever again.

Good advice.

I don't think anyone was saying you're narcissistic, Hope. They just believe in a theory that we all possess it to a point. Maybe it was just the wrong thread to discuss this thinking.

Oh yes, I've been falsely interpreted and accused by my husband dozens of times. When I've confronted him over his bad behaviors, I've been called "too sensitive", a "psycho" a "b-i-t-c-h", and I've been accused of things such as "you have mental problems!" and "no wonder you've never been married!"

He is a mean SOB who has tried to make ME the problem and HIM the saint, and yes, it triggers me immensely at this point to be falsely accused and/or interpreted.

It really seemed in the beginning of our marriage that he was trying to paint me as being seriously mentally unstable and unfit.

I'm like the nicest most caring and compassionate person in the world, and I am in fact, relatively stable (relatively speaking). But, I'm too nice and too accepting, and that's how these a-holes are able to ensnare me to begin with.

I can see how my comments might have been a bit unclear and insensitive, but it seems you've really taken it the wrong way. There was absolutely no accusation of you being a narcissist, on the contrary I said I thought you were less than averagely narcissistic. Someone completely void of narcissism would never even look in a mirror. I don't think it was off topic, and I've apologised twice for hitting a nerve, and tried to clear up the misunderstanding. My point, again, is that it matters less whether your husband has a PD, that you aren't going to get a diagnosis for. What matters is that you have evidence that you are suffering narcissistic abuse, and it is important that you get your strength up to make yourself safe. I don't think anyone's intention is to put pressure on, or make you feel bad. I really only have sympathy for your situation, and concern that you get out of it safely. This focus on diagnosing your husband isn't going to help you do that, unfortunately, and I know that from experience.

@KBMK, oh, hey listen. I was only just responding to another poster's comments. You've apologized, twice even, and it's OK.

I was just explaining to that poster where I was coming from on it, without intending to make it worse or bigger of an issue than it really is/was.

I get where you're coming, and I appreciate your concerns.

I do want to get to the bottom of it about my husband, and perhaps with a therapist is the best place to do that. I need to know if I've yet again, attracted another narcissist. It's important for my therapy and for my healing and recovery.
It's also important to know for how I deal with him going forward.

I totally sympathize with your desire for understanding and closure. I do see this as a symptom of your abuse, though, that your husband has acted covertly, and has made you extra sensitive to his needs and vigilant around him. I hope your therapy gets you on the path of self analysis and self-care so you can trust your judgement, and set boundaries that keep the users and abusers from getting to you. I know I attract them, cause I show interest, but I've learned the hard way to spot when someone's interest is superficial, and to back out. These people don't make it easy to back out, and even if you've only known them a short time, they'll look for a way to disempower you and reel you in. It's can be really disorientating if your not clued up to their strategies.
It's great that you have care and compassion, and being able to be vulnerable is actually a great strength. I get that it doesn't feel like that when it's been taken advantage of, but you've got a chance at experiencing real love and intimacy, that some people will never open themselves to. I know it's a horrible painful situation, and I hope you can give yourself some credit for facing up to the reality of it. That takes a lot of strength, and no matter how you go forward with this, just the fact that you're looking for the truth of the situation really is commendable I couldn't care less about your husband, and won't post on this thread again as I know I've gone way now !! But I really am rooting for you!!

Thank you.

My husband reeled me in initially by telling me how loving, sweet, devoted and kind he is. Red flag #1. Then he showered me with a lot of attention. Red flag #2. He love bombed me and fell "head over heels in love" within 2 weeks. Red flag #4. When I said to slow down and back off, he cried. He pushed the relationship. Red flag #5. SO many red flags, and I went ahead anyways because he seemed so nice in the beginning and supportive.

Last night when I lost that job offer, he barely could offer any empathy. It crushed me entirely, and his response initially was to just pick up and move on. No empathy for the crushing disappointment I felt.

That's unfortunate since you were visibly upset about that job.. and more so because it was a ticket way out. He's unaware about this, needless to say.

Empathy is a big deal. If there's no empathy in a relationship, it's not going to last.

I remember one night a year ago I was extremely anxious as we drove into town. I was anxious over my work. He showed little empathy then too. I’ve learned to come here instead and lean on my friends vs on him for any emotional support.

I can give my opinion based on this post (and others) that he is a Narcissist and an A hole. I’m disgusted by his response to the non job offer He “should get out and move on”. I’m sorry you’ve been in a relationship with such a Twat. (TWATS - those who are always terribly smug )

Yeah, pretty despicable. I also cannot get up in the mornings until HE is ready and is done snuggling. If I attempt to get up, he gets angry and starts lashing out at me.

Oh my. Snuggling supposed to be just a natural thing but if you are forced to snuggle for a specific duration of time, then it’s about control. Not love.

Save this as another example of abuse that you could bring with your therapist and if you ever need to bring it up in divorce. Holding someone in bed or physically holding them against their will is abuse. Not saying you should do anything about it now but save it for future reference.

And I had a thought, what if you contacted that place of employment that originally considered you for a different job and ask if other positions are available? What if they still need you but for a different position that their boss was talking about? Kind of like you gave it more thought and would be interested in trying...

Yeah it is about control. It’s disturbing.

I’m going to talk to my new therapist and a lawyer when it comes time. He has evidence of me trying to grab his phone and which he calls abuse. If I go down the path legally of claiming abuse it could get ugly. I’d rather avoid.

And he does lack empathy. Grrrrr.

I have an interview (preliminary) for a Director role with an entirely new company on Monday!!

Good luck!!

Good luck!!

You’re welcome.