Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

I haven't read every post above, so forgive me if I show lack of knowledge about something you've shared. It does sound like you need out of this marriage. While the emotional aspects of having your dreams destroyed are naturally dominating your thoughts, you need to focus on the financial implications of pursuing divorce. If there are serious assets owned jointly by your husband and you - like a home - you need to protect your financial interests. That means get a lawyer right now.

Besides assets, you need to concern yourself with liabilities. Since your husband is dishonest, conned a cashier at a store about a price and used your money in the past to buy cocaine, you need to worry about him using credit to run up debts you might have joint responsibility for.

These financial concerns may not be uppermost in your mind, but you need to give them the most serious attention. Until you get competent legal advice, you should tell your husband nothing about your plans.

They don’t have assets or property or joined accounts Rose and marriage lasted only a year and a half but I agree that protecting oneself and ones money is so important in divorce. Especially when there is animosity

Disgruntled ex spouses do bizarre things. When my husband was still going though divorce, in few months his ex purchased a car and racked up huge dental bills. Since she had no job she expected him to pay and demanded it in court. Judge ordered her to return the car back to dealer. And ordered her being responsible for dental bills because it was done during divorce proceedings.

Recently, years after their divorce and us being together for over 6 years we found out that she used OUR address (2 hours drive from where she lived and she obviously never lived here!!!) to obtain things like car insurance quotes etc and she was putting our address as hers on different things. And it’s years later.

It caused my husband panic attacks after we started opening crazy mail coming to our place addressed to her!!!

To be sure I’d check credit reports regularly, it’s free and it would give peace of mind. If hopes husband used his wife’s money without permission (stealing) quite few times , I’d not be surprised if he fraudulently opened credit cards or such.

@Rose76, thanks for your concerns. As divine mentioned, we've been married less than two years and have no assets and no children. Our credit is separate as are our financial accounts. That being said, he is NOT trustworthy, so I do need to still be careful and cautious.

@divine1966, I don't think he's opened any credit cards in my name. But I will check my credit report.

I was married for 31 years to an abuser, so I understand your feelings. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure, and don't care what you say or think....The best thing you can do, is to stop responding when you hear abuse, and I know how difficult that is to do; abusers NEED you to constantly respond to their abuse; they are emotional vampires. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life and helped me immensely....to go forward and get the divorce. Do everything to keep yourself safe; become aware of the money issues, etc. See an attorney (first visit usually free); just to see where you stand, etc. If you are able, talking to a therapist can be most valuable.

Thank you @Marie123.

I actually blocked his number the other day after he continued to gaslight me.

Then I had to unblock him because email was proving to be too slow for communication. But it did the trick in the moment - it shut him up and stopped the conversation from continuing and it stopped him from continuing to gaslight and abuse me.

I have told one attorney that I will hire him. I am waiting for his retention agreement and invoice so I can pay him and move forward.

I do have a therapist and an abuse advocate helping me through this rough period.

I am SO up and down. I had a really good day on Tue, then Wed I was back down in the rabbit hole again. Today (Thurs) I feel better already. When I drink too much, I feel far worse the next day - full of anxiety and missing him. I know I know..... the logical answer is STOP DRINKING so much!

My neighbors were very sweet and left me a Christmas present at my door. They know that we are going through a divorce. I was SO touched by this gesture.

AND, I am catching up on the phone with all my old friends.... I've now spoken with all my old college girlfriends... it is SO great to reconnect during this time, and not just because I am going through a divorce, but also because of covid, etc.

I met up with a new-ish friend yesterday at a local greenhouse to help him pick out plants for his adorable wife. Now they have the kind of love I aspire to. He knows of my husband and says that he's a very good actor, putting on the nice guy routine. He also told me that I am a good actor too, because he never would have known what was going on behind the scenes. So I had to explain that my husband and I always had fun together while we were out at parties or out for music, and that the abuse always happened at home and behind closed doors. He seems to believe me though. He was very sweet to invite me to help him Christmas shop.

So today I want to have a good day. My husband plans on coming over tonight again, and I will again, be at my parents' home and will vacate the property. It's good for me that I have not physically seen him in several weeks now. It's helping me tremendously.

UGH - can we now take out the violins??????? PITY PARTY!!!!!!!

Once again, this is ALL ABOUT HIM - NOTHING ABOUT ME. As always!!!!!! All that matters to him Is HIM, what HE'S going through, and how HE FEELS! Nothing about how sorry he is that he's hurt me and devastated me to pieces - NOTHING.

I am sickened - I am not replying to this sob story of a text I just got from him:

I’m glad you have people to be with. I have been and will be alone. Completely alone. I have not been able to listen to or enjoy music I drive to work and back again in complete silence. I can’t sleep. Averaging 3hrs a night. My work performance has degraded by 50% not sure how much longer I will be able to keep my job if this continues. I am in a very bad way. I will be there Sunday I don’t expect you to feel sorry or actually reply to me it’s not necessary. I lay awake wondering when the nightmare will end. When I do dream it’s of different scenarios with us then I wake up to reality and cant contain my sadness and disbelief as to what has happened. I hope and wish for the best for you this holiday.

And now I am sitting here in tears.

It's Christmas eve day, and I cannot stop the tears from flowing. He just doesn't care about ME. He never saw ME. He never truly loved ME. It's all about HIM and always has been. Just like my father - the true source of my problem.

I'm still waiting for my Christmas tree to arrive. It's 10 days late. I PRAY it arrives today, and it's supposed to. I need some CHEER. Decorating my tree will help.

oh, I am very sorry havehope. It is never a good feeling to hear that someone you were close with is not doing well. So, at the least he is well enough to make an update to you. It is crazy to think how immature men are, and how they assume women are expected to be a certain way rather than growing and learning together as a couple. Nope, he makes it about himself, and not about you or you and him. He didn't even ask how your days are. So, Im thinking... you are not his therapist and it's not right for him to ask you to worry about him. Maybe send him an update similar to one you'd like to hear from him. DO NOT be sad for him. Be strong for him and for yourself.

Thanks @ann bog!

Thanks so much for your supportive thoughts.

He's throwing a pity party, and the way I view it is just more manipulation from him. He's trying to get me to feel sorry for him. And you're right - I'm not his therapist.

I decided not to reply at all to that text. I don't have anything left within me to share with him. I don't want to share with him how I'm doing - he didn't even ask, nor does he even care.

Good news is my Christmas tree arrived! I now have some cheer in my home on this holiday.

The best gift you can get this Christmas is blocking all contact with him forever without possiblity of taking it back. Merry Christmas

@MisterPaul, merry Christmas!!

I wish I could block him!!!!! We have to still communicate about moving, apartment and divorce details all the way through the end of Jan!!!! ARGH!!!!

THEN I will block him. Until then..... I am trying HARD to minimize all contact.

He’s playing the Sad Sausage channel, I’m really sorry you were upset by it (as it was designed to do), but you’re doing the right thing not replying to it. He’s only sorry he’s facing consequences for his behaviour!

Thank you dear @RoxanneToto.

VIOLINS please!!! LOL. It's pretty transparent what he's doing. I was more so somewhat amused (in a twisted, F'ed up way) that he is still trying to manipulate my emotions AND me for that matter.

And yes, agreed. He's only sorry he got busted.

One of my close girlfriends says I am just as responsible for allowing the abuse.

I feel very victim blamed!

I see my mistakes and fault in all of this -- but to say that I allowed this? I take umbrage to that. She is one to beat herself up more than I do in life - she is beating herself up right now for not living up to her own expectations of herself in life.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I need my friends, but sometimes I don't feel like processing this with them anymore.

Today is weird - Christmas day. He and I were supposed to go out for a nice meal today. I have not written him back since his pity party text yesterday. I never replied to him. And I did not wish him a merry Christmas today - why would I? He hasn't written to me either today. This is all just very surreal.

I don't know how I feel today. Kinda bummed, kinda sad and kinda down, but not hugely. I had a nice time with my family today/this morning.

Now I am home alone again and the house feels so empty. Except my little tiny Christmas tree brightens up the living room.

Maybe I feel hollow? Yes, I feel rather hollow. No joy for me today.

I did celebrate last night with some wine, some of my own music, and a long call to a close girlfriend. That was fun at least.

Even in absence of pandemics we don’t have restaurants open on Christmas Day, except maybe IHOP. Everything is always closed.

The only consolation is that you aren’t the only one home alone with no place to go. Sadly covid puts so many people in the same boat. Stuck at home. People can’t even see family. Can you see your parents?

Wow oh god. That really is a very bad sob story. And on the surface you wouldn't even notice it is if you are still too focused on their needs/empathy for them. I'm so glad you are no longer focused on them!!!

It's really almost like gaslight or maybe it's even gaslight, like he's so sad about what happened, what the f***??!?! When he was the one RESPONSIBLE for what happened. And nightmare?!?!


And then EXPECTS you to be sorry about it too?!?!?! (He claims he doesn't but clearly he does.) Awesome. Unbelievable. Please just laugh at it, it's so ****in' surreal and absurd!


And yeah I'm back here to read your thread and give you support but frankly I realise this also gives support to me too so thanks for sharing your story so openly and emotionally.

Is there a way someone else can do the communication between you two? Though I'm sure you'll be able to handle it fine You really don't seem at all open to any of the ******** anymore in any way lol

Unfortunately some of my friends did that too. (They are no longer my friends... as I couldn't and wouldn't take that from them back then.)

But it's really just they don't get it. No experience with it. And have their own baggage clouding it all too as you yourself noted yeah

Actually I think it means that it's too much for your friends as it is. I didn't realise that back then unfortunately. But at least yeah your friend doesn't seem like she meant to attack you in some personal way if that's just plain her belief about these things and beats herself up too just like that.

So maybe yeah keep all the processing/talking for those who understand what you're going through. Seems like extra unnecessary stress is added otherwise. That's ofc trivial to say ...but you said you need your friends, but maybe for the time being you need only the therapist or whoever is actually able to give you the support. That to me took so long to understand that everyone can just give their own way of support in these hard situations, regardless of what you'd need from them

@Alive99, thank you so much, and yeah I know, right???? He's saying he's in disbelief that this has happened, when he's the one who caused this???? WTF? He cheated!! And he wants ME to feel sorry for HIM?!? I'm incredulous.

I did eventually reply (yesterday - Christmas day) and I told him that this is no picnic for me either. I did fall a bit sorry for him and said I'm sorry he's alone on Christmas day. Ok, I grew a heart a little bit. It was Christmas after all, and I'm not a cold B (although I wish I were!).

Isn't he unbelievable? I cannot believe I married such a man. Truly!

@divine1966, thanks.

I was able to go to my parent's home to open presents and have brunch. I stayed until 2 PM, then I came back to my own home, where I was alone for the rest of the day/night. I ate a Dunkin Donuts croissant sandwich for dinner - that made me sad. I should have stayed at my parents for dinner, but by 2 I was ready to leave and be by myself - not such a great idea after all.

I am glad Christmas is over. I've always had a hard time around this holiday, and this year is no different. Well, yes, it is very different since I'm going through a divorce.

I have such mixed emotions - he knows JUST how to push my empathy and sympathy buttons. I caved and texted him on Christmas day saying I'm sorry he's alone and that I am having a tough time too. IF I didn't say anything, then he can moan to all of his friends about what a big b-i-t-c-h I am. I know I know... who cares? Apparently I do care to a certain extent.

I woke up sad and crying again. This is SO hard - harder than I would have ever imagined. Even though it's the right decision, and even though I have felt happiness and joy again and I feel myself coming back, it's still SO hard. Holiday times do NOT help - times when you're supposed to be with loved ones - and when we were supposed to spend Christmas together.

He wrote back yesterday saying he wishes we could be together and that he loves me. I wonder - how can he possibly still say he loves me after ALL the nasty things I've called him during the last month? I've called him names, and I've told him he's a LOW LIFE and a SCUMBAG. This was during my raging period.

He just wants to come back so that he can eventually dump ME and on HIS TERMS. I am certain of that. That's what narcs do - they want to be the dumper, not the dumpee. I am sure it's hitting his huge ego pretty hard right now that I have left him.

My anger really goes back to my father, and I do see this. My father never saw ME, he never acknowledged ME, it was always about HIM, especially at the dinner table. He was overly critical of me, he would chastise me for every negative emotion I felt, and he neglected me.

So my anger really is directed at him.

I cannot blame my husband for who he is - he is who he is - and he is a narcissist. I know I cannot expect him to be any different than what he has shown me. He has shown me low character in so many different ways. Using my credit card without asking me, coercing me into doing cocaine on our wedding night. lying to me several times over, stealing from Home Depot and now cheating on me.

He will not and cannot change, and I do know this. I also know that no matter what I say to him, that he will never own up and will never take full responsibility for his actions. He will never show me that I matter and that my feelings matter. He will never care about how. much he's hurt and harmed me. It's ALL about HIM, how HE feels and what HE wants and needs. He doesn't care about what I want and need.

I accept this, and I am not going to continue trying to get him to "get it", to acknowledge or own up. It's a futile effort - completely futile.

What I also know is that my self worth does NOT depend on HIM or on my father's ability to see me, to acknowledge me or to show me true caring and concern. My self worth comes from ME and from ME alone. I do not need to depend on emotionally disturbed people to validate me or give me worth.

I told my father on Christmas eve about my husband's text to me being all about HIM. My father had NOTHING to say in reply. NOTHING. GO FIGURE because he's narcissistic!

Years ago, when I had confronted my father on his emotional neglect of me when I was young, he excused himself and justified himself by telling me he had grown up in a very dysfunctional environment. He couldn't take ownership, even years later as a full grown adult.

And when I confronted BOTH my parents recently on how I had felt completely abandoned by them on a couple of different occasions when I was younger, neither one of them could take ownership of it and apologize to me. They both gave me excuses.

It's exasperating. Somehow, I have to make peace with this within myself - this is part of my work ahead in therapy.

The bottom line is: my parents failed me in many ways. And I became f'ed up as a result. I've had multiple abusive relationships and multiple toxic relationships with narcissists and people who don't respect me - not just me, but ANY woman.

I've had to put the pieces back together on my own and through years of therapy.

And what I've learned is that people will fail us and will disappoint. It's a fact of life. People cannot help who they are, and we cannot change them. BUT, we CAN choose to whom we give our hearts - and we CAN choose our friends. We do not have to let in those who are not worthy of our caring and our concern.

My husband is/was not worthy of me, my heart, my caring or my concern. We are wired very differently - our values are very different. Yes, he disappointed me, but that's because I wanted to believe in his words to me in the beginning - about what a caring, loving, honest and FAITHFUL man he is.

The KEY: IF actions DO NOT MATCH words, LEAVE!!!!!!!!!! And LEAVE the moment a red flag is shown.

There are loads of crummy people in this world - LOADS. I know that I have a heart of gold. I know my worth. And I know my values. I am a very caring, ethical, moral and honest person, and I would not hurt a soul.... unless of course, they've hurt me, and then I lash out in anger.

I deserve someone who is just as loyal, moral, honest and ethical as I am, and that is NOT my husband. I've seen him screw over people. I am not the only one he is disrespectful of.

Man, did I really reach low with this one - it's truly time to raise my standards.