Degenerating relationship with my mother

Twice in the past week, my mother has accused me of lacking compassion with her, mainly because of a family rift (see my sister-in-law lashed out at me). Both times, it has resulted in mother getting upset and accusing me of not being able to see it from her perspective.

She has a habit of washing dirty linen in public. For anyone not familiar with expression, it's talking to casual acquaintances about family issues. Then she acts hurt when someone passes comments that challenge her. Okay, in the instance that's caused the latest problem, the person's choice of words not the best but I can agree with his sentiment. My brother has been absent due to Covid restrictions but managed a visit on Mothers Day. His first for months. Has promised to do jobs for her (mostly outside ones) then failed to deliver.

Today, she asked me to clarify a comment made last weekend about a new friend I have; albeit we've only met online. He's been very supportive and I have no reason to question that he's genuine. She wanted to know what I meant by comment that "I didn't want to lose him". I'd had a really bad morning just before that weekend and he'd sent me a lovely, unrelated, e-mail. He still doesn't know that this message was perfectly timed and lifted me out of a very dark mood. She only wanted to know what I've told him about the "family situation". I explained my comment as if I did tell him everything that went on, then that could be the result. I doubt it but there's always a nagging one due to past experiences (not with him!).

My grandmother (her mother) had exactly the same personality. My mother is the same although she denies it. I have fought and continue to fight to avoid becoming nasty. As my friend pointed out recently, you recognise that changing your mindset will provide more positive experiences. I then realised that I had become very blinkered.

I can liken her attitude to me being in a cage and she's constantly poking a stick through the bars. We all know what that does....