I need you guys to point out where I can improve myself

I submit that this talk is not "you" speaking, but rather represents the collective voices of your abusers throughout the years. It sounds like these people have always been brutal to you, and have gotten themselves internalized into your mind.

I do think that a good plan is to notice ("there you go again") but ignore these endless abusers, and not take them to heart.

I'm not proposing that you think about what has gone well. I'm proposing rather that you focus on doing well, go about your day doing well, as best you can, and that you avoid dwelling on any thoughts, negative or positive.

I don't know if meditation would help. ACT does have a major mindfulness component. It might be worth looking into that in more detail?

For example, go to:

What is ACT and Mindfulness? Find Out Here | ACT Mindfully

and then go ten lines down from the top, to

and click on the link.

I read a book, “The Happiness Trap” that is based on what Bill is saying. Yes, it is ACT. Reading it may be helpful for you. The concept is recognizing you are having the negative inner voice (the inner critic), and without judgment, recognizing it and releasing yourself from it.

As for developing better social, intimacy, sexual skills… It may come down to it’s more about how you feel about your skills than how they actually are. What is the meter that we use to judge our abilities? I feel it is our perception of the reactions we get from other people. For example: Two people have sex. One person says immediately following, “That was the best sex I ever had.” Now the other person feels confident they are good at sex. We can surmise the one who said it was the best ever, had a physical response that was very gratifying (climax). But aside from the obvious, it is very subjective as to exactly what was done that made it the best sex ever. No two people may have felt the same.

I think the act of over-thinking in social/intimate situations is poisonous to the primal emotions released within when having these interactions. Without much thought, the exchange would have felt more gratifying and positive, imperfect as it was. When giving it too much anxious thought, too much striving for idealistic perfection, that ensures the essential feeling of good, satisfaction, contentment cannot just be, cannot be achieved and will always feel elusive.

I am really struggling to give up on this one woman. I often feel good when I see her, sometimes even optimistic (like when talking with three people and noticing that it has only been the two of us that were conversing for a large part of the time) but the day after - or two days after - I consistently crash as the constrast with the loneliness I experience at home is too big. I am also considering quitting tango dancing. It seems absurd to me to spend all my free time in that context when nobody is interested in me (at least not beyond my dancing skills), especially if I am still hoping to find a partner some day. But I have no clue what I should do instead.

I am seriously considering a mail-order bride as that will probably turn out to be the only option for me. I can't seem to accept being lonely for the next 35 years to come (I am trying really hard though), but maybe that is too much to ask of any person anyway.

As for ACT, mindfulness etc. ... I have my first exam tomorrow and should be studying until Jun 27. I have seen ACT work for a number of people, sadly I was introduced to the concept in a context that was not favourable.

It is so hard to let this situation go. Especially as I don't feel there are any real alternatives. And I will probably need a few years to recover from this. I can't imagine I am able to endure this loneliness for another year, let alone more (or probably even the rest of my life). Some events of the last week ...

On Friday we watched the film of our show in the dance school. After that we went to a small tango event. Same people as usual but in a different setting. There, I danced with another lady - as is normal in these events - and sat aside, talking with her for half an hour. After that, we danced again. Now the one person I am so in love with, appeared to be keeping an eye on me (but that could just be my taking my hopes for reality of course). After that, she came to sit next to me to talk. We usually talk after dancing. We danced and she asked me to accompany her to a workshop next Saturday (yesterday she said she was not sure, she is recovering from depression too and does not always have the energy and I understand that).

We met again on Sunday afternoon for an advanced workshop. And there, something a bit ambiuous happened. We are currently in a heat wave so it was very hot. I made a remark about my reluctance to dance when I am all sweaty. She said that is usually not a point. But then ... she told me she really likes me a lot (yay!) but also said that she regretted that I am not always wearing a fresh t-shirt. In fact I was, and I told her I was surprised, I mean, I do take a shower before dancing, I brush my teeth and I started wearing my hair in a ponytail because it is less hot. I also admitted that I don't always have the chance to change shirts on Mondays because I often have classes until late and and on those occasions, I have the choice between dancing in my day-old shirt or not dancing at all. She seemed to be understanding. We discussed tips on cleaning the washing machine and adding a little soda to the cycle. She also talked about her ex who had the same problem and that he was happy with her tips because after that, he thought his children smelled much better. So all this set me off ruminating like, is this really a breaking point? Did I ruin my chances? Does really liking me a lot mean anything, or was it just a way to bring the harsh new in a slightly less painful manner?
Sunday evening, we had our regular dancing class. I had in the meanwhile followed her advice. We rode home, just as we usually do and I told her my washing machine was in the process of being cleaned as we spoke.
Assuming this will lead nowhere, I do wonder whether I did handle this in a sensible manner as I might learn something that can be beneficial in future situations. Was I right in accepting the unpleasant message, pointing out what I already did and that I was surprised and pointing out that I gave heed to her irritation.

Then we met again on Monday (yesterday). When she arrived, I was talking to the same lady I was talking to on Friday. As soon as she had gotten into her dancing shoes, she came to invite me. I politely declined: songs are played in blocks or 3 or 4, grouped logically by orchestra, singer and period and the current block of songs was already in its last song. That was OK as she had just entered and had no idea the last song was already playing (and honestly, somebody told me to not be too eager, that plays its part too). The lady I was talking to made a remark about me - as a man - being invited (which is not customary). After that, I went to invite my crush and we danced as we usually do the last few weeks. Most often, people dance at a slight distance. A few weeks back she did however point out that she wanted to dance in close embrace with me (and that means that you make contact over the entire length of your body) but that she is recluctant because my (curly) hair would be in her mouth (hence too the pony tail) and that I had to work on my posture (which I was already doing for months but dancing a little stooped is an old habit many people have and which is often not correct so it is hard to constantly maintain a good posture. I am extremely motivated now ). We even closed the evening and danced for a second time (she normally prefers to dance with as many people as possible and so do I because you get to learn more although I must admit that I do have an inclination to dance a little more often with her).

In my thinking, I have given up on this situation. Emotionally, I clearly haven't. But I am constanty wondering whether I might have learned something in case I might ever meet somebody whom I feel the same way towards.

But honestly, I don't believe I will ever find somebody. I think my anxiety is too great (partly because it has gone untreated for years) and I don't fancy the idea of growing old in this loneliness. Next year, I will normally graduate. It will give me access to a well-paying job (people say that is supposed to make things easier) but I don't believe this will help me with the difficultly I experience on a social level. I have kind of set a deadline: if I don't have a relationship by the time I graduate, I believe it is time to draw my conclusions. A job, a company car and whatever it brings me wont give me confidence in social situations (especially when feelings of love are involved).

And then there is this friend who pointed out that being too eager could set her off ... she proposed to get together to make some pictures and "optimize" a tinder profile. But I do have my doubts as I have previously egxperienced online dating as quite toxic (nobody is ever really honest for instance), I doubt whether I will meet a match there (a few years ago, there was a book in which that author argued that dating apps benefit from having you match "almost" as it gives you enough of an incentive to return and you do have to return because as long don't really match). To me, it seems like trying out as many people as possible for a few months and to move on if you don't fall in love. I hate the prospect of being dumped 4 times a year (and even less so the prospect of having to end a relationship myself). Also, I am not sure if I have the energy ...

Look for a lonely, insecure woman and give her a chance. Maybe your standards are too high.

To me, it says a lot that your crush felt safe enough with you to comment on your t-shirt, and was interested enough to do so (rather than just avoiding you).

A beauty of ACT is that you don't look ahead to what you are sure the ending is. You act in the present so as to move towards your goals. Why don't you maintain your interest in her, stop imagining that you know the ending, and see what develops?

Whatever you learned about ACT in the unfavourable context can be corrected, unlearned. If you bought a bad bicycle, would that mean you should never ride a bike again?

The person in question is insecure. She spends a lot of her time on social media and hanging out with people because she has a hard time connecting to people. She is lonely. She has similar mental issues (I know from a previous experience that is not necessarily a problem if you share other things than these issues).

We share a passion (tango), many interests (arts, jazz but not in exactly the same way which makes things more interesting) and we could have met if we hadn't suffered from depression (in fact, we met dancing). That is why I am convinced we could be a good match.

That is an interesting viewpoint.

I plan to act on ACT in the near future (am I doing well with wordplay?) but I am currently studying for my exams so now is not a good time

I set myself a deadline. I can't keep on living in the promise of a great future anymore. I have been struggling and working hard for twenty years and have nothing to show for it. It is time this 'great future' starts. I will graduate next year. I want a relationship by then. If I don't manage, I will draw my conclusions, accept it will never happen and call it quits. There is a limit to the amountvof suffering one van handle and I am way past it

Ok, I think I got a clear signal that I really have to let go of my last illustion of a perspective. It will leave me with nothing, I will be in the desert for another gazillion years. The chance is big I will never be not-alone and not-lonely. I have gone through all the suffering I can have but I am still willing to bear with it until I graduate. Somehow I hope for a miracle that would bring me a stable relationship but if that does not happen within a year, I am not sure I still want to continue with the theoretical idea that you don't know what happens tomorrow as my sole motivation. I need something concrete because I can't believe in this hypothetical approach anymore.

What happened? I went simming with a friend on Friday and on the way out, we ran into her (the woman from the tango whom I am so in love with). As we often do, we have to go in the same direction on the bicycle and she even took a detour to see my vegetable garden. Earlier this week, she expressed she was not sure if she was really coming to yesterday's (Saturday) tango workshop because she was not sure whether she would have the energy. I did not get the chance to ask about the workshop before she said we would meet for this class.

When somebody in our whatsapp group asked in the afternoon who was going to this event, she answered; not just for her but she stated she was going with me. So yesterday we went to the workshop and it was nice. There was a dancing evening after and it was nice. I notice - or maybe I take my dreams for reality - that when she looks at me, she often smiles. She seemed interested and happy for me when I told about the evaluation of my painting class yesterday afternoon (one of the jury members is a friend who said my paintings really match how he knows me as a person). But then, why do I believe I should really give up?
When we were eating after the workshop, she was discussing a present and a small reception for the teachers who will return to Argentina for a season with other people who sat at our table. She said she could not stay late because she has a date on Tuesday. I was devastated. She said she's curious because he's a poet. She also said that she always ends up with these guys who are a lot of "show". I know her well enough to know this a her pattern - she is insecure, lonely and constantly searching - and that she has gotten hurt by this type of guys before (in fact her last crisis which I witnessed was the result of such a breakup). She is going for some kind of intoxication they can offer which helps her for a few weeks but which leaves her devastated as well. She seems to be aware of this pattern but still she continues doing so. I will never be able to compete with those guys.

Nevertheless, when saying goodbye, I did tell her I was really happy I had gotten the chance to take this class with her and that I really enjoyed it. Not that it will make a difference.

My friend told me on Friday I should try to go swimming with her as that is something she really likes. All that seems futile now.

But the question remains ... how can I let go?

I believe having a perspective can make all the difference. I have none. I have been in tinder for four days, even looking into women who are up to 15 years older. I have no matches so far (that is not entirely true, I have already had a scam).
So far, I have been taking painting classes and hoping I would meet somebody there. But every year, it turns out there is nobody in my class who could be a good match (many are much older and retired, some are much younger, most have a partner). So I am always hoping it will happen next year. But it has not not given me a lot of opportunities the last four years.
Then there is tango dancing. I am reluctant to quit because it does give me some confidence and helped me accept my body after my heart problems. But that is exactly where I meet her three or four days a week. And there too, most people come as a couple and with a few exceptions most women are much older or much younger (I don't believe I should date somebody who is more than 10 years younger). There is nobody who's interested there. I could end up in the same pattern there: hoping that there will be somebody new next year for years...

But then how do I create this perspective? I really can't do any extra classes or activities so my guess is I should skip certain things I am currently doing. But then, what should I do instead of dancing? What is a good environment?

And if I have some perspective? How do I then handle my anxiety? Should I start a relationship with anyone who wants me and evaluate after a few weeks whether I have fallen in love and, if not, move on to the next woman (I am not a great fan of the idea as it appears extremely disrespectful to me)?

I also wonder whether I made mistakes. Was I wrong in saying I enjoyed both her invitation and being with her yesterday?

But most of all - and I am aware nobody can offer me this - I need an answer to the question when it will finally happen. And I am not sure if the answer is 'in five years', I will want to endure these extra five years of loneliness.

Friends tell me that I am such a good person with so much to offer. But if this is true, then why is nobody intersted in me romantically?

She’s going on a date because she was asked on a date. I haven’t read all your posts but did you ask her out? If you didn’t, then how do you know she is interested or not?

On one hand dating in your club or work or class or activity seems like a good plan but on the other hand if you are rejected or things go sour, you have to keep seeing these people. Have you tried to meet women elsewhere?

Have I read it correctly about tinder? Do you mean online? Tinder is usually for hookups, not looking for a relationship

I did on some occasions. I asked her to run together - I knew she was trying to get started but was frustrated that she did not always find the motivation - she was happy, agreed and did eventually cancel as she felt intimidated by the distance (oddly, she used to run further but on a short circuit where she could stop at any time possible while I proposed one loop as her circuit is too narrow to run together). But she did propose another day. She did not manage either but she did propose a third moment.
Same thing happened with last weeks dance workshop. I asked her out, she seemed happy with my question but backed out. Last week's workshop was her alternative. Yesterday's workshop was her idea, maybe a coincidence but she asked after I had been chatting to another woman in our group for half an hour.
I am reluctant to ask again because it causes so much stress but I do try when I see an opportunity.

Something that I was reminded of when talking to a friend just now ... we ususally ride part of the way home together. She always explicitly asks whereas I find riding together self-evident.

I think some things have a positive outlook - like the happiness when I ask her out - but there is always this step back.

I know a number of people who have started relationships through tinder. I have the impression that it is very diverse nowadays. I am not looking for hookups.
If I make a good estimation, neither is my crush. We have a mutual friend who she labels as "maybe" (I often feel intimidated by him even if she has stated a number of times that she is not interested in him) but only goes for a "hell yeah". She often says she needs a lot of love, care and attention. I don't believe she is searching for hookups either. I think she know very well this will not bring her happiness and that she is probably too fragile for hookups.

I misread then. I thought you are on tinder and haven’t met anyone. Not that she is. Oh sure you can meet anyone anywhere but most relationship oriented people aren’t on there. But of course it doesn’t mean anything.

I am not sure over analyzing this lady does you any good.

I started Tinder four days ago. I hope that, if I get to know a few people, my stress over this situation will go down (you know, the perspective thing).

Overanalyzing is my way of dealing with anxiety. I know it does not help me but I have no alternative (therapy never helped me with that). I suppose you mean I should just let things happen and see where it goes?

You could just let things happen or you could ask her if she’d be interested in dating you and then you’d have your clarity. I don’t think assuming she is insecure or needs this or that is going to get you anywhere. If a man liked me in a romantic way, I’d like to know up front so I’d either reciprocate or put a stop to it. I’d not want someone to agonize about me or analyze me why I smiled or what I liked erc or me unknowingly leading him on.

A woman is going on dates. It means she’s open for dating.

So saying that I was very happy she asked me for this workshop and that I really enjoyed being there with her, was not such a bad move? But probably not enough?

It is not a bad move at all. It’s very friendly and appropriate interaction. But again it doesn’t mean anything romantically speaking. She’s not considering it dating you. That’s why she shared she actually had a date to go to. She has no clue you are interested in that way

But I can't just say I am in love with her, right? That is something that always scares me.

Spending lots of time hanging out with other people and on social media is not a proof of insecurity whatsoever. I’d not assume those things.

How to you know she’s lonely? Did she say that? Well yeah actually it could be she is lonely and wants a partner and that’s why she goes on dates.

Absolutely not. Plus you don’t even know her well enough to know it’s not infatuation you are feeling. I meant to let a woman know you’d like to go on a date with her, not to declare love!

I find something else interesting. You seem to assume that you fall in love first and then ask a woman out and get to know her. You are putting cart before the horse. It doesn’t work that way. If you are interested in someone, you spend time together trying to get to know them. Then if you two click, it becomes more frequent and yes you might fall in love or not. But you can’t do it in reverse. Plus what you feel for these women might not be love at all, you don’t know them enough outside of a workshop or whatever activity you engage.

I have always been curbed by anxiety on a social level. I was in a relationship of ten years that put me in complete social isolation so I am a bit cueless here. Should I actually label it as a date? Or will asking her out for something outside our normal social circle be considered as a date?

We have know each other for eight months now. We talk. She was in a relationship initially, the breakup is quite recent.
I always have a lot of anxiety when engaging in such situations. That is how I end up with the emotions I currently have before I even manage to ask somebody out. It is when this happens that I try to act upon it.

My anxiety refrains me from setting a step unless I feel it is really worth the risk. But in my current situation, the risk has become so big that I have reached a point where I a relapsing in a deep depression. Again.
And it is exactly this type of occurences that make my anxiety grow and makes it even harder to act, even in situations where no emotions are involved.
I know how these things happen and become worse. I have no solution and so far therapy has not been interested because as a student who is passing his exams, I am still functioning so they assume things can't be that bad.

This mechanism leaves me with no options in case my current endeavor fails so every time I show an interest, it is extra valuable because it might be the last I encounter.
But on the other hand, dating random people does not appear a constructive approach but if I want to 'date' without the burden of these emotions, I am probably restricted to women I will not want to build up something with for as soon as some degree of emotion kicks in, I will be paralyzed.

Isn't it completely hopeless then?

I don’t suggest you date random people but also honestly everyone is random at some point.