I Feel Suicidal

I'm thinking of upgrading my image. I've lost weight, so now I'm thinking of going out to change my look.

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Originally Posted by cutman2000 I'm thinking of upgrading my image. I've lost weight, so now I'm thinking of going out to change my look.

Just be careful the change you do & what you consider "upgrade". Many people in a not good state of mind make changes that are basically permanent that they regret later. Be wise & always think of the kind of people you want to attract into your life. Looks do make a difference so be careful

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Originally Posted by cutman2000 I just can't believe that my life has reduced to me just wanting a GD hug. I didn't go to work today. I cleaned up the living room. I had papers, bills, and mail stacked up everywhere, 3 maybe 4 months old. But it's clean now. I talk to women on dating sites, and some I now call on a regular basis. I really don't think I'm good enough for these women. I can't stop loving my wife. I know she's not mine anymore, but I just, damn.

Good job cleaning up & organizing.

It's not about being "good enough" it is about whether any are the kind of woman you would want to really be around.

Ugh, by the time I left my now ex, I would have puked if he touched me, even a hug. From the time I was a senior in high school (1970) if a guy was not good to me there was NO LOVE for the person. It truly is a mindset, not the "heart" There are behaviors I will not tolerate in my life. Cross that boundary & any "love" is shut off. Would I help the person if necessary?.... YES, but it would be done out of kindness, not love

Out of curiosity, is there a reason you feel the need to date, or interact with women on dating sites at this point?

Especially post-trauma, I'm a big proponent of taking time to heal, and getting to know and love yourself again. Healthy relationships stem from healthy individuals coming together, so if you're looking for something serious or long term, that's best started with you being in the best possible place with yourself.

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Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108 Out of curiosity, is there a reason you feel the need to date, or interact with women on dating sites at this point? Especially post-trauma, I'm a big proponent of taking time to heal, and getting to know and love yourself again. Healthy relationships stem from healthy individuals coming together, so if you're looking for something serious or long term, that's best started with you being in the best possible place with yourself.

Great points....I found that healing myself took so much work that it left no time for anyone else & getting emotionally involved with anyone else while you are healing & finding yourself again only messes up the process. We MUST know ourself NOT based on someone else but truly KNOW who we are so that we can have a REAL relationship with someone else in the future or like me, realize I am fine with myself & not interested in any more relationships because I like being the one in total control of my life (my marriage issues were mostly his financial irresponsibility) & I don't need to deal with any possibility of that being messed up again.

Very well said.

I've heard that when someone doesn't go through the process of healing and rebuilding the foundations of themselves, they have a tendency to fall into old, familiar, comfortable patterns- in other words, they'll end up in the same type of relationship dynamic again and again. If the previous relationship wasn't great, then there's healing and work to be done.

If cutman isn't interested in a more serious relationship at this point, and just wants to date casually, find someone to go bowling with, etc, then maybe this doesn't matter quite as much?

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Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108 Very well said. I've heard that when someone doesn't go through the process of healing and rebuilding the foundations of themselves, they have a tendency to fall into old, familiar, comfortable patterns- in other words, they'll end up in the same type of relationship dynamic again and again. If the previous relationship wasn't great, then there's healing and work to be done. If cutman isn't interested in a more serious relationship at this point, and just wants to date casually, find someone to go bowling with, etc, then maybe this doesn't matter quite as much?

People who "feel" comfortable being co-dependent tend to want to jump into a new relationship so they can use the new person to redevelope thenselves on rather than taking the time to heal & rediscover who they are. That takes work & time & some people take the easy way out & leave their own life truly messed up. It took me 10 years of hard dedicated therapy with an outstanding therapist to work through all I had gone through. I wasted 13 years in therapy before that.

The problem with even casual dating is that there always tend to be demands to do things by the other person. Then just conflict in time starts to build up . Lol....I had a guy in college that was casual dating but he wanted me to commit a month ahead because he wanted everuthing planned & I was busy with college & my studies. So even casual can end up with demands we really need to dedicate time elsewhere. I go out with friends now when I feel like it. My life is on my terms & what works for me. When we establish that, then if someone comes along whose life fits with ours, then we know there is a compatibility of interests & values

Yeah, feeling like you have to plead for contact sucks.

@ArmorPlate108 really helped me see my codependent tendencies

@eskielover gave me hope for independence and peace and recreating myself.

What one person can do, another can do.

Don’t tear yourself up for not getting enough done. Congratulate and encourage yourself for accomplishing something.

On days you don’t accomplish something, congratulate yourself for getting some rest and looking after yourself

I'm getting ready to go to work today. I did a 10 min workout this morning while listening to music. Trying to think and do things that will better me feels like eating when you just don't want anything and everything is just nasty. It all feels really fake to me, like a numb feeling. I do see progress physically, but mentally I am a bowl of outdated jelly. I secretly want to hear from my wife.

How long were you separated? How long have you been divorced?
What one person can do, another can do.

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Originally Posted by cutman2000 How long were you separated? How long have you been divorced? What one person can do, another can do.

I left & moved 2100 miles away 11 years before I could finally get a divorce because of financial messes he caused with the IRS & the house. I tried to get a divorce before I left. Should have been simple but he wouldn't negotiate so I just left & he has since lost everything but still created a situation with the house we don't even own that is costing me tons of money on legal fees to clear it up. I have been legally divorced 6 1/2 years & never happier nor ever felt so much peace. Had no idea that life could ever feel this good cause even my growing up days with parents wasn't without major stress. Sometimes you don't realize how bad things are until the peace settles in after it has been finally out of your life & grow to appreciate the new life you have

My wife and I separated in the first week of January 2023.

In my post-history from that time period, you can see that a woman came into my life at that time in the early months after my separation. She was about a year out of a bad marriage herself.

I really wanted to plunge back into a relationship because I was so used to working my life around someone else, and I was used to providing care and support to someone else. I was also starved for positivity and just basic contact.

I’m happy to say, I never crossed any lines with that woman towards any kind of a romantic interaction. I was complimentary and supportive towards her, as she was to me, in conversation only. We have remained in this place. I talk to her once or twice a week. Her kids are a bit younger than mine. Maybe once a month we have coffee or lunch. I’ve seen her become better and healthier and stronger as have I. She’s a good friend and that’s all.

Another woman who came to know my story through mutual friends reached out to me in early 2023. She was a huge support with really good advice for my finances. She was still in a bad marriage and was planning her departure. After almost a year of seeing her with mutual friend gatherings I found out she was on her way out of her marriage. . She had umpteen questions for me. The thing is, she was an amazing person; smart, kind, accomplished, funny. A few times her conversations with me became something different and she asked me for a coffee date. Again, I put up boundaries. I realized she was vulnerable and thought she was seeing qualities in me she was missing in her spouse. I made suggestions to her for mental health assessments for him and Gottman marriage counseling for them. Now she credits me with helping save her marriage. Her husband changed meds and they’ve committed to long term counselling.

The things we’ve all said here…. That’s the way forward. When you need something look to yourself for kindness and compassion first. Show yourself care and concern. Put your oxygen mask on first. Once you’re healthy you can be a solid partner in a relationship

And…. In my situation, with older kids in the house who still need me, NO WAY am I going to unsettle them or unsettle the peace by bringing in someone new. I never was a one night stand person either, so hooking up…. No thanks.

If no one else has said it…. The intermittent “highs” of a toxic relationship actually change your brain circuitry. I was an addict, hooked on a high.

I beat my addiction to toxicity. I’m two years clean now.

Thanks for the insight. I'm just not sure how to fit comfortably in that space. I feel very inadequate as a single person. I have no friends here and feel awkward altogether, especially since my wife abandoned me. I do talk with a few women from dating sites.

I understand. I rely define myself as a family man and a husband. I find it hard to socialize with singles.

How does someone fit into my life now? How would I fit into theirs? I have 25 years invested in one person getting to know her. What are the odds I’ll ever have that again?

I’m not looking.

Part of what I’m facing is how alone I was when we were together. Being physically alone is just a progression of that.

It’s hard. No lie. It’s hard.

I do remember feeling really alone during the last few years with my wife. That was tough.

A good friend of mine was in a marriage where he was alone a lot.

He voiced his concerns. He requested they enter counselling. He committed to therapy and meds for depression

Two years later, things hadn’t changed.

She was surprised when he told her, “If I’m going to be alone, I’m going to do it on my own schedule and I’m going to prioritize the things that make me happy.” With that, he left.

I remember wanting to leave my wife due to feeling ostracized by her. But I just didn't/don't have anyone else. I have no real connections with my siblings, family or any real friends(I do have one longtime friend(widower) in another state back home). Outside of the few females that I talk with from the dating sites, and one long time friend(widower) that lives in the state back home I don't really talk to anyone.

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Originally Posted by cutman2000 I remember wanting to leave my wife due to feeling ostracized by her. But I just didn't/don't have anyone else. I have no real connections with my siblings, family or any real friends(I do have one longtime friend(widower) in another state back home). Outside of the few females that I talk with from the dating sites, and one long time friend(widower) that lives in the state back home I don't really talk to anyone.

The thing is, you don't need to have someone else to leave. You are better off leaving with no one else because then you have time to figure out the things that went wrong in you & your wife & learn from the bad situation so you don't just jump into another bad situation. It gives you time to get control of your own life & learn what works & doesn't work without having someone in your life controling how you act/react again.

I had a lifetime (54 years) of living with dysfunctional parents & husband that created a lot of dysfunctional behaviors in myself. Ya gotta clean up your own crap so that you know what you are willing to tolerate in life after that & not fall right back into your own dysfunctional lifestyle again & learn nothing from our past.

I only have my daughter & she lives halfway across the country. Learning to be independent & strong is a good thing because then you don't just let anyone into your life, you can be selective & you will end up a lot happier in the end.

Personally after 21 years with dysfunctional parents & 33 years in a bad marriage, these last 17 years alone starting off in a new town where I knew no one was a blessing. I could focus on therapy & healing. I now have quality friends I can choose when I want to be social or not, I am financially independent even though I only have SS to live on. I am responsible for myself & that feels really good after living around dysfunction all my life. Have never been happier than the last 17 years living alone with my animals on my little farm.

Don't limit yourself with limiting thinking. Life can be really good if you actually give it a chance.....& I say that after actually trying to end my life many times the last 13 years of my marriage. Finally when opportunity opened the door to leave....I RAN & never looked back & have never been happier even when challenges have hit

I work with a LOT of tradespeople.

Literally, hundreds.

My employer provides services to about a hundred small and large employers in my city. I'm on job sites all the time, and talk to lots, and lots of people. Some of them I have a 15 year relationship with through work.

About 90% of the people I deal with are blue collar men. A lot of these guys are lonely. A lot of the time their work isolates them, and because they work a lot of hours, the only person they have is their wife or GF.

It is SO common to see these guys have a marriage fail and then jump into another relationship.... which fails.. So then they jump into another relationship.... Which fails. So they complain there are no good women. Then they find one, and they move in quickly.... And it fails. I've known guys who were piling their ex's stuff on the front step for her to pick up, after the next one had already moved into his house.

No thanks.

And, not to poop on anyone else, but.... Who are you finding in those situations? Probably other people who aren't solid, who are hoping someone else is going to help them, support them, stabilize them, etc.

Having ONE intimate partner ex is hard. I don't want to have three. I don't want to sort out the emotional baggage of that, or deal with the finances of it.

I'm just fine waiting. After two years, I'm realizing.... A lot of the good ones AREN'T looking to date.

If you want to be partnered with someone, i really think getting to know yourself is the first step. You've been wrung inside out so many times you probably don't know what your values and interests are.

RDMercer

What you're saying here is a little scary, but I get it. Knowing who I am and what I like will help me establish boundaries. Right now, I feel like the isolated weird looking kid on the playground hoping someone will come to play with me. And by me feeling that way I will probably play with anyone that approaches me, even an adult pd file.

I reached out to her yesterday. When she was here last and wanted to have sex and I said no, well I wanted to be sure that she didn't think I was not attracted to her. I know what rejection feels like. She said she only felt that way for a sec and it was okay. I wanted her to know that I was attracted to her, and I think she said that wasn't an issue. That did bother me, her feeling rejected.
But then she started talking about the past, 30 years ago. She brought up negative things that I did, not what she did. I wasn't sure why she was doing that. So I brought up the fact that she cheated on me before we got married... I did that just to stop her and it work for a minute.
She didn't seem to want to really talk and said she's moved on. I couldn't understand why she kept coming back if the past is why she left after 30+ years.

I asked her if she would stop the non contest divorce if I filed before the 12 months period. She said she would not lie. I told her I was thinking of the Non Contest divorce to avoid her possibly losing her 401k, to scare her a little, and to mentioned it would be better than me filing for divorce due to Audltery or Abandonment.

I know I shouldn't have reached out, but it did help me with the fact that she's moved on. I'm getting my fishing rods ready for the Spring.

Don’t tear yourself up about reaching out. Letting go is very hard.

Here’s to a good spring

RD

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Originally Posted by cutman2000 I know I shouldn't have reached out, but it did help me with the fact that she's moved on. I'm getting my fishing rods ready for the Spring.

It's ok.....& sometimes it is what we need to reinforce the realization that it's over. Go with the results, not the action itself

I have to admit it still feels a little overwhelming. I have an attic full of family memories. That attic has years and years of stuff that I have to go through and throw out. I also have an ongoing storage bill at uhaul. I want to clear the storage out to get rid of that ongoing monthly bill.