I Feel Suicidal

Exactly. Thank you!

The level of generalisations, label-throwing or pathology-throwing (at the other partner) in this thread is frankly scary.

You know what Rive?

I think you're right. And I was a primary source of this.

There are things that this poster said that really struck a chord with me and my experiences.

When I was posting years ago, and was at my lowest, another poster jumped in and pointed out things that I hadn't seen in my partner before. It made a huge difference to me and re-framed my situation for me.

I'm identifying with my experiences here, with this poster.

RDMercer

cutman I keep checking in here because I'm worried about you.

I have felt as low as you've described. A lot of what you have described is familiar to me.

I'm just worried about you.

RDMercer

I am sorry to hear you are feeling suicidal. Please stay strong. You have your health, your life and your business. You should not let your kids’ decisions affect you because you also have a life to live. They will one day realise their wrongdoings and make things right with you.

It abounds like your wife was not committed and did not take their marriage vows seriously. You deserve better. Focus on your mental health and business for the moment. Take it one step at a time. It is impossible to tackle all these problems at once. We are here for you. Please keep strong and don’t harm yourself.

I'm scared. I'm just locked up in my house with the curtains closed and I know this is not right, but I can't stop what I'm falling into.

I have a little pet turtle(Abraham) that I found a few weeks after she left the first time(around 3 years ago). Almost a week went by before I remembered to feed him and give him water.

I really miss her. I miss my wife. She made me feel bad for fighting for our marriage, I just don't get it. For years she fought for me to love her. I just don't get it.

Thought:
The last makeup; I went to pick her up, she looked pretty bad. I demanded that she go to the hospital, and I would pick her up there. She told me she had thoughts of suicide and wanted me to pick her up and bring her home right away. I was happy but wanted her to go to the ER and I would be there. I'm a little over an hour away in another state. I met her there, she saw me and just walked out of that place, and I took my wife home. My wife. I love her. I want to take care of her.
I received a call from her sister and her sister told me that she had asked my wife(her sister) what she could do, because my wife was really depressed, but I wasn't aware of any of this. Her sister told me that my wife said to her, "Get my husband." Her sister also informed me that the whole time of her being there that she talked about me and never intended on getting a divorce. But what I'm about to say next is what remains in my head.
My wife took courses and worked 2-3 jobs while we were separated, the first time. She was pretty distant from me. Cold, short and didn't seem to care. Maybe she was hurt, idk. Well, her sister also told me before I insisted that she go to the ER and before I picked her up, that she lost her jobs.
Last:
When she was back the last time, I told her to just sit back and relax, that I would take care of her. She looked depressed, weak, and helpless. She insisted that she cleaned, she said it would help her feel better. And it did. After about a week she was smiling and happy. When I pulled in after coming home from work, she would greet me, hugs, kisses, and dinner was always ready. She said she was attracted to me and wanted to have sex. She's never said that to me. I almost cried, and I said to her how happy I was to hear those words from her. I told her that I thought it was too early for sex, that we should fix us first. And to be honest, I'm not sure if she hasn't been with another, or others. But we created a weekly schedule for us, out to the movies, bowling, dinner, flea markets, farmers markets, etc. And we talked about our future, etc.

I'm not sure I can be here without her RDMercer.

I'm so sorry you are struggling. That sounds so difficult.

Even though each of our situations is unique, there often seem to be relatable threads that run through them.

I definitely can identify with some of the things you have posted. It's a sucky place to be. Trying so hard with a spouse whose mood and mental health seems to shift unpredictably, and feeling like no matter how hard you try, you're fighting a losing battle.

RD mentioned his tendencies toward codependency. That's my main affliction. I just celebrated my third anniversary with codependents anonymous. I didn't even know what a codependent really was three years ago, so wonder if that could be something that you might relate to.

My perception of a codependent (at that time) was someone who loved and enabled an alcoholic to death. That is one way codependency manifests, but for someone like me, codependency is becoming so focused on the other person (or people) that I lost sight of who I was. For years, I nurtured my marriage, prioritized it and him (without much reciprocation), worried about his afflictions more than my own, and tried single-handedly to fix both him and our relationship. I was too "other" focused, I had stopped living my own life, and wasn't being cared for properly, not even by myself.

Relationships are 50/50 thing. The participants have to meet in the middle, and each has to give their fair share. And each has to know where that mid-line is, and not cross over it- not to be mean or selfish, but to keep the relationship healthy and balanced. I didn't even realize how far over the mid-line I was at that time. I just wanted to fix and rescue and have everything be okay again.

Do you relate to that? If so, learning about codependency might help you some.

I'm slowly rebuilding my sense of self, finding where I end and other people (like H) begin. It can be freeing, and even fun, finding yourself again.

Please take care of yourself, and post here if you just need to 'talk'.

Sending prayers and positive vibes your way.

@cutman2000, if this is working for you, I won't be talking you out of it.

What you were going through sounded so, so familiar to me. And I was just worried about you and wanted to jump in with support. That's all.

I wish you all kinds of peace and happiness.

RDMercer

Just being honest. I'm trying to figure this out.

Do They Want You? - YouTube

Once I realize this how do I get up and get going? Deep down inside I'm wanting her to come back into my life to help me stand up again. How do I get up and move forward?

Hey,

Whatever your situation is, looking after yourself matters.

- What things give YOU self-fulfillment? I like progressing in exercise and learning new things for mechanical work. I like listening to some paranormal and true crime stuff to give me the heebeejeebies. Have something you can look forward too each week and do that. You can even make yourself earn it. "Once I get this garage cleaned out, I'm going to sit and watch some Mrballen on YouTube."

- Doing this also makes it easier to be alone. I'm at a point now where I look forward to these things. I wish I had someone to share them with, but I'm not giving up my stuff to fit in with anyone again.

- Have some expectations of the people in your life. I have a ton of extended family, and I put myself out emotionally for years asking for us to get together, connect, whatever. Then, for each of them, I sent them a positive message, "I think you're really awesome and I really enjoy when we can connect." And then I stopped trying. The people who tried back, I remain in contact with. The others; maybe they're busy, maybe they have people closer to them that require their time and energy. But I started investing in people who gave me a return on my investment.

You sound like a smart, interesting guy. You sound like someone who used to have things that gave him fullfillment, like your music. Maybe start exploring that again.

YOU being healthier and more complete will make your relationships healthier.

What if cutman2000 was your best friend? What would you do to show care and concern for him? What things would you encourage him to do? Maybe thinking like you are your own best friend and will help you start making some progress.

" What if cutman2000 was your best friend? What would you do to show care and concern for him? What things would you encourage him to do? Maybe thinking like you are your own best friend and will help you start making some progress. "
Interesting. I'm going to really think about this today.

Right now, I would not want to be friends with me. I don't see a reason or any beneficial value in the friendship.

I gave so much of myself to my spouse and to my family that I lost myself. A guy at work asked, "What do you like to do outside of work?" and I couldn't answer him, because I just didn't know.

Once you start finding yourself, you'll start liking yourself more.

@ArmorPlate108 told me setting boundaries is finding the edges of yourself.

I had to start from the edges.... I had to ask myself, "What are things that I absolutely can't tolerate in my life or among the people around me?"

Then I started recognizing my values more.

Then I started recognizing the things I enjoyed more.

Does that help any?

RDMercer

"Right now, I would not want to be friends with me. I don't see a reason or any beneficial value in the friendship."

What type of music did you play? What was challenging about it? What was rewarding about it?

What about golf? Tell me something you love about golf.

Even if you don't want to be friends with yourself, is it possible to find a place of compassion for yourself? As though you were at a distance from yourself, and can see how much you've been through? Perhaps make an effort to care and nurture the person you now see- the person who's been through trauma and needs caring and support? Maybe you can give that kind of understanding and care to yourself, even for a short time? It could be a step in the right direction.

"Care" matters.

Think about how you'd care for a child.

You don't give the child whatever they want in the moment. You make sure they are challenged and nourished.

Nourish yourself. Care for yourself.

RDMercer

Are you ok?

RDMercer

No, not really

I played all styles, 50s, 60s, 70s 80s cover tunes in a band when I was younger. I once met and recorded with the late Jani Lane(Warrant).
I started going to a local music academy after my wife left the second time. I was in a classical piano class. The instructor and I were both surprised at my progress after just a few weeks. After sessions we used to talk about our lives. She had previously gone through a divorced and I was able to open up to her. She was very transparent. I miss her.

I love golf. I'm not like a pro but I like it and I'm pretty good at it on a local competitor level. I was practicing(with a swing coach) about 2-3 days a week also, and playing local courses to get my handicap established to start playing local tournaments but stopped everything when she came home.

I think I understand but I'm trying to make sure I fully understand it. How do I care and nurture myself?

I'm a little scared. Yesterday and today, I've been having bad thoughts. I just don't have a safe place anymore. There's nowhere to go, no one to call that is there for me. I feel like a burden. I started thinking I'd be doing them all a favor, if you know...
When I had a therapist, I told him I felt like a tired black bird flying on a very dark and quiet night over the ocean that has no end, nowhere to land, nowhere to rest. He said something about Freud's bird theory and that it was depression.

But since yesterday I'm a little scared. Maybe it's the holiday thing, idk.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cutman2000 I played all styles, 50s, 60s, 70s 80s cover tunes in a band when I was younger. I once met and recorded with the late Jani Lane(Warrant). I started going to a local music academy after my wife left the second time. I was in a classical piano class. The instructor and I were both surprised at my progress after just a few weeks. After sessions we used to talk about our lives. She had previously gone through a divorced and I was able to open up to her. She was very transparent. I miss her. I love golf. I'm not like a pro but I like it and I'm pretty good at it on a local competitor level. I was practicing(with a swing coach) about 2-3 days a week also, and playing local courses to get my handicap established to start playing local tournaments but stopped everything when she came home.

If you truly enjoyed these things, start doing them again. Never stop doing good healthy things you enjoy in life because of "someone else". That is when you end up losing your own identity.

I ended up finally being able to have a similar country farm life to what I had fallen in love with when I was 8 years old when I finally left my bad marriage. To busy making my new life work & enjoying it to even look back & miss him or anything I walked away from. 17 years later, I love my alone life (with my furbabies & new friends) even better than when I first moved here. It is all about mindset & knowing & BELIEVING how much better off you truly are without them.

Over the 17 years & divorce he just kept proving how much better off I am without him even from 2100 miles away

Cutman, you are obviously a selfless and thoughtful person. Your nature of being that is so much of the goodness a lot of us feel like we're missing in this world.

That light is already inside of you- but maybe no one, including yourself, is appreciating it at the moment.

You're an interesting person, and obviously quite talented. Jani Lane? That's amazing.

The sad joke is that a lot of people like you and me, and many others here at the forums, tried to put a lot of goodness out there, but some of the people who were most important to us, took advantage of that. They greedily took what we should have kept for ourselves.

To nurture yourself, just ask yourself what you want or need, and then give it to yourself. This is what we did for other people, but not for ourselves. And they didn't return the favor If you don't know what it is you need, don't worry, that's common after you've lost yourself to another's needs. Just come up with something you might like that would feel good- a walk? A bath? A nap? A sandwich? Watching a movie?

The holidays can suck. Even if they're not all bad, there are obligations and expectations, or even old memories, that can make them very stressful for anyone. Get through them one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Just focus on the length of time you can, and work to that moment --- and then do it again.

There are still days that my end goal is nothing more than getting to the end of the day and falling asleep. Some days will be better than others, but if you take care of yourself, hopefully the better ones can outweigh the others before too long.

Sending hugs and prayers your way. Know that I am out here thinking of you.

Hey cutman

The things you said about music and golf…. Honestly, wow!

You’d be someone I’d be bragging about knowing. “I know this guy who recorded with someone from Warrant, and he competes at local golf tournaments. He’s going to be our ringer at our work tournament.”

If your spouse or a friend came to you and were really hurting and needed some support, what would you offer? Would you offer them a meal, a walk, clean bed sheets, a hot shower???

Whatever it is, that’s a place you can start for you. Go for a walk, clean your room, make a meal you like.

I had days where I got through a lot of suck by promising myself a fancy Starbucks drink.

An electric piano or keyboard is pretty friendly towards having in any living space because you can silence it.

I wonder if there’s a chance for jam sessions somewhere near you.

I just can't believe that my life has reduced to me just wanting a GD hug.

I didn't go to work today. I cleaned up the living room. I had papers, bills, and mail stacked up everywhere, 3 maybe 4 months old. But it's clean now.

I talk to women on dating sites, and some I now call on a regular basis. I really don't think I'm good enough for these women. I can't stop loving my wife. I know she's not mine anymore, but I just, damn.