[kimmydawn]

I don't have a jealous bone in my body...literally. I don't think I've ever in my life been jealous with my husband, boyfriends, etc...ever.

Me and hubby were talking. Do you think a little jealousy (not the big stuff) is a good thing in a long-term relationship?

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on the "little" jealousies (not extreme or ongoing in a detrimental way) in a relationship. Does it feel good/bad/indifferent and why?

I appreciate it.

KD

[bebop]

kimmy this is something I feel strongly about. maybe it is just my insecurities but I like a little jealousy. not alot though. to me if my hubby shows he is slightly jealous it seems to boost me. makes me feel he cares. now I could never stand for anyone to be really bad jealous. but I think a little is ok

[kimmydawn]

Thanks, bee.

Hubby used to be "bad jealous"...to the point it threatened our marriage when it escalated to my checking the minutes I was gone from home, him calling my mother when I was just visiting her, as well as other things I won't list her (wardrobe choice questions, etc.). Needless to say, it was very bad.

I finally told him that if he was going to keep making me pay the price for something I hadn't done, he'd be sorry; that I was done. I then went on to tell him that he couldn't love me...not truly...he couldn't because he obviously didn't know my "word", my character, my stated morals. He turned it COMPLETELY around. That was many years ago.

He went from a 9 to a 0, when I've always been a zero.

Well, he showed a little the other day and I was surprised that it felt good...lol. It made me wonder if I'd been doing a disservice to him by not having that feeling ever. I've always stood on, "If he can do better, let him" or "If he's going to there's not a dang thing I can do to stop it."

For whatever reasons, I've never felt or displayed jealousy.

I find it a very bad thing from my childhood and watching parents for one, but for another I find it a highly inaccurate emotion. For instance, the times my hubby was jealous of others around me or me, there was no reason, but the times he could've had cause (with his friend hitting on me even), he didn't get it...lol.

It never, ever dawned on me that a little could be a "feel-good" since I've only experienced the bad kind, and never felt it myself. I guess that little bit he displayed felt like a compliment of sorts...like he was acknowledging others would want me and that doesn't set well with him cause he does.

Thanks, bee!

KD

[youOme]

As long as it doesn't negatively affect the marriage and the other person may even be somewhat flattered that her spouse is protective over his woman..or which ever. My husband and I are never jealous but occasionally he'll say something about being jealous and I think it's cute. Every once in a while I'll bust his butt about him being the male boss in a female dominated area of his job, we both know it's for joke (the women are his mothers age..haha).

[salukigirl]

i agree. if someone is hitting on me i want my boyfriend to at least be a little mad. once it gets to the point of accusing and stuff thats too far. but i think, to me at least, it shows to me that he cares. and the same goes for him. if a guy just sat there and watched me flirt or something i would think to myself "well, he must not want me very much if he doesnt care that some guy is hitting on me". might be me being insecure but i like it sometimes.

just like sometimes i want him to sit back and let me fight my own battles but sometimes i want him to want to kick some ***. not that i actually want him to get in a fight... but i want him to want to. why are we so weird? lol. no wonder guys dont understand us.

[Ocean13]

I find that 'jealousy' is venom. It doesn't strengthen, it weakens. The person you're jealous over may feel untrusted, mad, angry, and hurt. Some people feel the need to 'hear' the jealousy to feel better about themselves but why can't positive feedback do the same thing? Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...describes the relationship and how men and women need to hear it.
I find jealousy is so hurtful. It's something to be avoided.
Good Luck
Ocean

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kimmydawn said:
I don't have a jealous bone in my body...literally. I don't think I've ever in my life been jealous with my husband, boyfriends, etc...ever.

Me and hubby were talking. Do you think a little jealousy (not the big stuff) is a good thing in a long-term relationship?

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on the "little" jealousies (not extreme or ongoing in a detrimental way) in a relationship. Does it feel good/bad/indifferent and why?

I appreciate it.

KD

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[curley]

I do not consider myself a jealous person. Jealousy is usually a trust issue. Amazing that I am not since both my ex husbands cheated on me. But I figure if I can not trust the person I am with, then it is better not to be together. As far as being a little jealous hmmm not sure about that. Example a woman talking to your husband or vise versa. No I would not be jealous, I think people may think the little jealous thing is good but basically I feel it is the jealous one saying "this person is mine dont talk to them" I dont really think jealousy little or big is good

[chaotic13]

My husband acts like he is very jealous of any friends I have. This tends to disrupt these relationships. As a result of his jealously and insecurity I end up feeling smothered and resentful. To me jealously is a BIG problem for me.

[ECHOES]

idk but I think you have to look at what is behind the jealousy.

For me there is insecurity, fear of loss, feelings of unworthiness. It isn't a mistrust of the other person so much as a mistrust in myself and a fear of losing the other person's love.

[Perna]

I think everyone gets jealous but not necessarily of mates. I think it's a regular feeling just like all the others. I don't know that I think it is good or bad, it's just information, like anger, of what might be not quite right or what one can change in one's own life if one wanted to.

I've been jealous of my nieces and nephews when my stepmother let them (her grandchildren) do things 15-20 years after not letting me or was all right with things she punished me for. It showed me what I was hanging on to that I should let go of, and how people grow and change.

I'm sure a lot of sibling rivalry is full of jealousy. It's hard to learn, especially when parents try to pretend everyone is the "same" how to be one's own self and that I don't need what someone else has, just because they have it and I don't. Children counting how many presents they get and how many presents their siblings each got is a scary sight to me. It's not actually about whether life is "fair" or not, but about trying to learn to be who one is, without reference to or expressed through what one has. The whole Cain and Abel story is interesting to me in how it plays out.

[nowheretorun]

my past girlfriends (not all, but most) would tell me unless i showed a little jealousy, i must nt love them enough, used jealousy to express their love for me...

i didnt want to be that way... jealousy wrecked my relationships when i couldnt comfort her with enough reassurance... i always wished she had more security and didnt poke holes in something that otherwise might have floated...

not to mention the great upsets and mix ups that to me, were entirely un-necessary...

i cant see any part of jealosy as healthy..

[salukigirl]

nowhere - it sounds like your exes were using jealousy solely as expression of love. were talking about just a little. i used to be jealous to that point but not so much anymore. but still... i dont want my boyfriend to go around flirting with a bunch of girls - especially because he has no clue what flirting is lol. so ill tell him "you know that girl was just fliring with you?" and he would just look at me like "youre crazy"

some guys take another guy hitting on his girlfriend as a compliment... i don't take another girl hitting on my boyfriend that way.

[nowheretorun]

when i was accused of flirting (which i wasnt) it only drove a wedge... to me, jealousy is baggage... i know im not like most guys, so i know the reality you girls have to deal with and, im not jealous...

i tried (because i was in therapy), to live by principles i learned there... one being the self is responsible to the self...

i didnt appreciate being dragged into something i wasnt responsible for...

when i attempted to explain my reasonings, i was met with 'thats wrong' ...

here i had a trained professional telling me what was 'right' and when i tried to enact that, i met resistance...

personally, i think the women just wanted what they wanted and didnt care if it was healthy or not...

i know not all women are this way...

even the 'little' expressions of jealousy turned into 'big' disagreements...

so, i felt that healing myself was detrimental because even though i heard about all this enlightenment, when out in general public, i faced old ways of thinking that are spread and encouraged by our society...

it almost made me wish i hadnt been told of more healthy ways of living... what is the point if its all some ideal i couldnt find 'out there' in my community?

[sabby]

I have only felt true jealousy once with my current husband. There were so many different reasons for feeling it and it took some time to work through. Eventually, I did work through it and I'm so very happy I did!

Some of the issues that played into me feeling jealous were the following -

1. Huge age difference between hubby and I (21 years, him being younger)

2. Not feeling comfortable yet in our relationship, still questioning our feelings towards one another and our commitment level.

3. My personal feelings of inadequacy - ie: overweight, not pretty etc.

4. His neighbor/friend/ex g/f was doing everything she could to convince Florin that she still loved him and wanted him back when she knew that he and I were a couple.

5. Florin's lack of understanding what his ex was doing. It was completely obvious to me...Florin was blind to it (go figure eh? hehehe)

Luckily for me, she made a very blantant move on Florin when I was not around. He came to me and told me what she had done and said "You were right, she tried to get me back". You have no idea how glad I was she had tried and how ecstatic I was that he told her in no uncertain terms NO!

Since Florin and I have a really good communication, we were able to talk through all my insecurities and his also. We came to a complete understanding of our love and committment towards each other and I am happy to say that there is no more jealous feelings in me. Even if we do live thousands of miles away from each other....I trust him implicitly and he trusts me (he always did).

I truly hated those jealous feelings. They overwhelmed me and made me feel a way I was completely uncomfortable with. I am very happy to live life without feeling jealous of anyone or anything. My belief is that feeling jealousy (even just a little) can be deterimental to a relationship....at least in my world it can be


sabby

[kimmydawn]

I agree, wholeheartedly, that jealously as a whole and on average is a volatile, negative emotion to portray in a relationship.

Perna, I do agree with everyone experiencing it and I have for sure in different areas of life. I was more referring to it in long-term romantic relationships.

I'm not speaking of jealousy that's shown often, or accusatory in a way that's detrimental to the relationship. In fact, in my case he barely spoke a word, it was more unspoken.

I'm more referring to what I exampled...no accusations, no consistent badgering showing distrust, no demands, no negative really relationship-wise.

I just thought it cute that, after all these years, he still had that spark. Feeling what I feel about jealousy, it confused me that I thought it cute, or a "feel-good" in any way.

I guess it's more what that emotion from him "spoke to me" and I was surprised at my own reaction.

KD

[salukigirl]

i know the reason im so jealous and im going to therapy to try and correct it. i basically hate myself and everything about myself. so in my mind, i dont deserve my boyfriend. since i dont deserve him... why wouldnt he want someone else? why wouldnt he look at other girls all the time because i think im ugly? its gotten really bad lately to the point where its effecting us big time so i made an appt with a therapist. the horrible thing is that I know why I feel jealous and I know its absurd but i just cant help myself. its like my mind takes over and all my reasoning leaves. my jealousy is unhealthy and i feel greatful that I realize it. so now when i get those feelings I say to myself "you know thats rediculous and he would never do that." but sometimes it still takes over. so in my case jealousy is not in any way shape or form "cute". but I know what you mean, kimmy. its nice to know after so long that its like "awww.... he still likes me" lol

[sabby]

((((((((( Kimmy & Hubby ))))))))))))

If what he showed you was a "feel good" moment, then it's all good!


sabby

[Perna]

I've never been jealous of boyfriends/men and the only one's that have been jealous about me were the "crazy" jealous kind. One boyfriend decided if I wasn't with him, I was obviously with some other man! He use to keep track of his ex-wife's birth control too, make sure it wasn't missing/being used except with him. If he wasn't sure, then obviously she was sleeping around.

My husband enjoys looking at other women and flirting but I'm secure in his love of me so take it as a personal attribute of his; he's a playful man and likes "beauty" and I don't have any trouble there. So he has good taste? That would include me :-) However, he's personally engaged with only me, doesn't "know" or seek to know the other women very personally. I think everyone has fantasies and I don't begrudge him his or he, mine. He doesn't notice details like I do so would probably miss my making eyes at another guy or another guy making eyes at me; I'd have to point it out to him, LOL.

[nowheretorun]

HEADLINE: NOWHERE gets his stupid head shot off eventually...

Perna, to me, those little moments of 'fun' jealousy were like little bullets in the romance.. it was like saying, well, things are going so well, and i'm bored.... lets start a fight for fun?

[Perna]

I don't think jealousy is fun, fun is fun. If my husband likes looking at good looking women (What man doesn't? That's kind of built in :-) and I catch him and look at her and admit out loud that yes, she's very attractive, that's fun for both of us. I don't have any trouble there! We're making fun of man's (male and female) animal nature together and enjoying "beauty" together. I think that's what makes the Flintstones entertaining, they're stereotypes of us back in the stone age, things that haven't changed with evolution and we can identify with them and feel close. Jealousy though is usually one-sided and anything that doesn't help "balance" a relationship can help unbalance it?

I don't think anything that makes us feel good is bad or wrong; I think it's great KD that you felt good that your husband was a bit jealous. Your feeling good at his jealousy did not hurt him if you didn't say anything, just felt it. However, if you then try to "make" him jealous, go out of your way to arrange things so you can experience his jealousy so you can feel good, that, would be different.

[nowheretorun]

yeah, hey, KD... it sounds harmless in your case... i get what you mean... a little good hearted teasing is all ok, as long as each senses the joy and forgoes the potential pain...

i guess, like everything else, i fear that some may not understand in the context described here... only witness the teasing and 'pet' jealousies and the joy that others experience...

then, at a later time, remembering the laughter and fun others have had, decide, we need a little more of that in our own relationship... only, they havent matured or arent aware of 'healthy' jealousy and re-enact only the jealousy parts...

as it spreads around (has spread around) , soon we have serious jealousy to contend with...

but i am over-conscientous and that is a problem for me...

education is always the answer it seems, but who is coming to class?

so, as a male who seeks his ideal mate, i sort through what society has created... if societies' influences are great enough (and they are) , i can expect to do a lot of sorting...

makes for a lot of unhappy Jacks , imo

[salukigirl]

so perna... you sound very secure with yourself. why is it that some people are extremely jealous and some not? why is it that you can watch your husband look at other women and not mind but someone like me goes absolutely crazy over it? i know i probably have some kind of character disorder or neurosis but im just curious as to why total opposite ends of the spectrum come about? I agree that if Kimmy doesnt take offense to it and knows that its not in attempt to control her every move, then thats fine to feel good about it. I guess Im just curious as to what makes people so totally opposite when it comes to jealousy.

[seeker1950]

Jealousy makes me ill!...literally! I have been in relationships where the person was so evasive and dishonest that I found myself having jealousy feelings, and of course, the relationship ended. My opinion, maybe naive, is that a healthy loving relationship should have no reason for jealousy.

[Perna]

I think the more comfortable one is with one's self, the more comfortable one is with other people. I don't think it can work the other way around, from the outside in, it has to work from the inside out.

When someone pisses me off, I try to stop and look at what my problem is, shut them out completely from my thinking as it's not their problem that I'm pissed off. If we're holding guns, the trigger might be the other person but it's not the other person who pulls the trigger!

If someone gets jealous, it's because they're out of whack somewhere in the "I own you, no one else can look at you that way" situation. People don't own other people, even spouses.

If a spouse flirts with someone else in one's view, that's still the spouse doing the flirting and not my business, it's their own; if my spouse has an affair, that's the spouse putting the relationship in jeopardy. However, that it is "flirting" or what it "means" is in my perception, not the person who's doing its perception. Not all conversations between a man and a woman are "flirting" and the viewer from afar has to learn how to read such things, has to know their significant other, personally, to know the "meansing" of such a conversation. Automatic, "hey, fellow don't talk to my wife" doesn't cut it with me. I'm not likely to stick around with such a boor.

[coralproper]

I think it is a little bit human nature to be this way ... even though some may not exibit the negative behavior that some show from it, does not mean that they still don't feel the same way and just control their self better, in my opinion

I thought it was cute when my wife and I first met and she wanted to stop going to where i met her because there was other chicks hangin out, and we were young so .......cute

I can understand how she felt since i would probably felt the same if I would have met her in her environmental element

after all these years together, sure we could still feel like this ...

but when the issue is trust and not human nature, maybe it is something to work on, in my opinion

by the individual lacking it, since they are in control of how much they have and no one else