Roll Call 188

Woke up, took wake med, coffee, weed, beer. I watched Netflix last night until midnight. It was OK.

I'm battling things in my mind.. I think I can do this.. to lower the Invega (Before my brain shrinks and my interesting thoughts disappear).

I'm waiting.. for a better time.. OMG yes! I am excited for my MacBook Pro M1 chip to arrive.. in a month. It will be great

I'm excited in this life... A little scared though - But that's ok.

Bought some wild berry zinger herbal tea and some peppermint tea since I'm trying to cut way back on caffeine. Peppermint tea is good, helps me focus and also deal with food cravings.

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I feel anxious

I really need to get rid of the rest of my coffee. And only drink decaf when I do drink it. The dissociation/anxiety was triggered this morning after a big cup of coffee then again tonight after a double espresso

I have a lollipop and an ice pack, trying to ground myself

I searched up an independent journalist that was featured on a comedy podcast, then found a comment about corruption and then searched about who runs the world - And it's what my brother told me about BlackRock, etc.. And the WallStreetBets - The stock market crash etc. I am pleased with what I have done today.

Very alone, want to have some sort of fun. Or a type of meaning or connection. My mom is still at work.. and then she comes home and drinks. Idk what my life is about anymore. I can't help myself or anyone - But I feel in the right place. Like calm before the storm.

There's a lot of things I complain about - And my addictions that held me back. But the trip.. It's different now. I'm very different - And the way I exist and think is interdimensional now.

I can't believe what I went through to get here. People were in this state while I was panicking, defending myself and in so much pain, brainwashed, indoctrinated and neglected, abused - with Stockholm syndrome.

I listen to music, watch shows - Everything. The news, social media - It all feels like my hallucinations or images in my mind - Because there's a lack of energy or connection. It's all controlled. And I'm not psychotic or dissociated - Those states are just types of feelings to me. There's 40+ thousand emotions. I think there's infinite

- Because everything in reality is just a bunch of geometric shapes. A circle would form with a square, then are observed to make something else - Then the divine atoms, quarks, subatomic particles or whatever and such form to make new entities like the rolling of a carpet - Or praying on said carpet - To the direction of East/whatever.. And so.. A direction - Death? Weaving strings, going in and out of water. It goes on forever and ever.

What do I do now and what is next.. It's just like everyone else now. People have their own philosophies and what works, what doesn't. No one is the same. People will continue to be in the state of mind that I was in - And I can do nothing about it.. Because of the circle.

I have a habit of self medicating when I don't need to anymore. And it confuses me when I wake up in the morning and do it right away. It doesn't help - Or does it? I don't think it matters. It's a reflex of fear. There's all basic things that humans, animals, plants.. what life needs - And it's all being sieved away from it all on Earth.

And I Googled "What is greater than evolution?" and then I think back, "Ah yes.. The God overriding evidence, and evidence changing as well.. Will I ever lose the logical ability and what I used to be? Will my insight ever be gone? Because it never was.. It's left transforming into right brain. I want 2 keep both.."

My goal is to not end up in the hospital tonight. I’m having overwhelming urges to end it and intrusive thoughts but I just need to get through it, because it will get better eventually.

Don't worry BB <3 You'll get better slowly and eventually. Don't hate yourself.. You're doing very good and are loved. I get you because I still have PTSD from the dissociation (DP/DR) and take the 10mg of olanzepine religiously every day at 5pm - I'm take it now..

I missed a couple doses of my meds over the past few days. Maybe that combined with too much caffeine today is just really messing with me. Or not. Idk. I feel like crying and have intrusive images in my mind of me hurting myself even though I don’t want that. I don’t even know why. I’m not going to do anything it’s just it sucks feeling like this tonight.

Thank you Desoxyn ❤️

Remember - Ups and downs. It does get better eventually.. I've felt those urges even this week - But not as bad as the week before. It can get better quite slowly - Or a good day can be a break so harness those for some insight - No one was given a manual for the mind/mental health or life.. Even in school.. It can be good to walk this life, challenging with occasional success/lifted mood. We've both been knocked down worse I bet in the past.

OCD intrusive thoughts can be bad but redirecting the torture is what I think of it to eventually be good..

Like Nikola Tesla

My therapist is supposed to go over some worksheet or something about coping with OCD with me next time we meet.

And I think it’s time to say farewell to caffeine once and for all. I can’t moderate my intake. I always have too much. So it has to go. I have chamomile tea, sleepy time tea, wild berry zinger herbal tea, and peppermint tea if I want something hot to drink. Or decaf coffee.

Yeah I'm gonna drink some chamomile tea this evening. My mom and her friend are drinking wine. I only drink one strong coffee in the morning and that's it.

Hugs bluebird, sorry not to comment earlier, I was working late. If you’re feeling things and seeing images but don’t want to do the thing one of the key things is realizing you’re actually ok. For me I don’t get strong visuals because I’ve banned gore from my life so my brain doesn’t have the imagery. I can’t control what comes out but I can control what goes into my brain 🧠. That being said I do get the thoughts, usually involving the garbage disposal or a car wreck or something else. I choose to see it as a protective response. My brain is showing me what will happen because it wants me to be more careful and not to do the bad thing, not the other way around.

I think I'm severely constipated

It feels like my intestines r gonna explode

Sorry I wasn't here for you last night. I hope you're ok.

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That's a terrible feeling. Last time that happened to me I bought some concoction on the corner and it blasted through me.

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Thank you! That makes sense. I do happen to watch a lot of stuff with gory content. I don’t know if I can ban those from my life because I love horror movies but I can definitely work on how I see it and see it more as a protective response. That does make sense because it’s always things I really don’t want to think/see that come into my mind, so I could make sure I’m more careful. It often seems to be an so I feel extra cautious around knifes because I’m afraid I’ll suddenly do something, and it’s definitely something I don’t want to do l, even though I do once in awhile have sui thoughts, I still don’t really truly want to hurt myself. It’s just I get scared I’ll go into the kitchen and do that impulsively so my brain makes me see it over and over again. I stay out of the kitchen when I’m feeling like that

Thank you Angelique I slept good last night so that helped a bit

I'm glad. Good reliable sleep is crucial to us being as well as possible.

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The cat bed I ordered is being delivered today. I’m basically all set. I just need a litter box which I can pick up at Walmart sometime. I can’t wait till whatever kitty I choose is old enough to come live with me. (They have to stay with their mother for awhile right after they’re born)

SP, do you have the Nintendo online App on your phone? You can get it from the App Store for free. Then connect it to your Nintendo online account. Then you can connect it to your game and use your phones keyboard in the app to type messages when playing online instead of using the Nintendo switch keyboard so it’s a lot easier

I can't get over feeling like my apartment isn't clean enough